Dear Sars,

I have questions that I’ve never seen addressed anywhere.My family and friends
can’t answer them — they have no experience with this. Perhaps you can help.

Here’s my situation:

I’m an artist who pays the bills by designing florals in the high-end special
events industry (weddings, corporate shindigs, et cetera). This is a hectic, physically
demanding, deadline-driven creative production profession — it’s go go go all the
time. In the last seven years since I’ve moved from a small town to a large city,
every single one of my employers have had serious chemical addictions that
negatively influence the workplace. The first employer drank ten beers by noon, and
would drive the delivery vehicle all day long. After years of enduring weekly
yelling, screaming, gun-waving, and unmentionable illegal activity (from boss and
other employees) in the interest of getting my butt through college, I finally got
the break I needed.So I thought.

The next employer had a cocaine habit, using
payroll and supply funds to fuel his habit — though I only found out about the drug
use when I left after two years of working there. I seriously thought he was an
unusually energetic, stressed-out, type-A personality who couldn’t get his finances
straight and received a perverse satisfaction in undermining his own company.What
could’ve been the high point in my career (great salary, own office, being a
director with a terrific staff, high-profile clients) became the starting point of
serious depression.Since then, I’ve been working freelance and discovered every
client-employer uses cocaine or crystal meth. My current client-employer talks
openly about “bumps,” “crashing,” and “tina” and occasionally he acts unusually
irritable during setups, so I’m guessing he’s using as well.

These experiences are truly unnerving, to put it mildly, and I am worn out from
working for people with this behavior. When we work 50 hours in three days, their use
of illegal energy-enhancing drugs (cocaine) gives them an unfair advantage.
Frankly, it’s cheating.Their drug use is usually accompanied by other illegal and
unethical acts that directly affect the workplace.I’m tired of Mommie Dearest-styled abuse.

I never wanted to do this as a career, but I have a great professional reputation,
and it pays the bills until I find something else. I’m desperate to move to a
different line of creative work and I don’t want to fall into the same situation.

Admittedly, I’m naive when it comes to drugs and drinking.I don’t do either, and
I’m careful not to come across as “holier-than-thou” or socially distant,
especially after the gun-waving incident.

Is this a part of adult life that we aren’t supposed to speak about, much like the
time period when people whispered “cancer”?Is it normal for drug use and
alcoholism to be a part of working at the top of any industry or did I just run
into a bad batch of people?Is this part of “big city” living?What questions can
I legally ask future employers to determine if they have an addiction?These
people don’t look “wasted” or like the addicted people on TV, so what not-so-
obvious clues can I look for?

Thank you,
Confused creative person quickly losing hope

Dear Losing,

I don’t really know what to tell you in terms of avoiding addicts in the workplace in future; from what you’ve said, your industry is riddled with users, but you’ve also indicated that you know the signs, and this isn’t terribly helpful, but…if it’s that endemic, either you need to downshift to a different job description where you’re not exposed to this “coping” behavior, or you need to accept that this is the cost of doing business in the sector and maintain certain standards for yourself (you don’t get in a car with these people when they’re impaired, you reserve the right under contract to refuse to deal with them if they’re behaving erratically or threateningly, whatever).I don’t think you can legally ask future employers to provide notarized proof that they’re not using, but you can look for the signs and act accordingly.

I don’t think it’s a part of adult life, really; I think you probably see a higher incidence of use, and abuse, in creative fields, for various reasons, but speaking for myself in my particular field, if you keep going out every night, you don’t get much done during the day.Eventually you just don’t have the time for that lifestyle anymore if you want to be productive in any real way.Ditto “big city” living — yeah, you’ve got some people in New York who are up all night doing rails, and many of those people are perfectly functional at work and it doesn’t affect them negatively.But I wouldn’t call it a majority.

You’ve had some bad luck, and you’ve wound up in a job where this kind of thing is more the rule than the exception — and I hear you that it isn’t necessarily fair, but fair or not, it is what it is, and for your own mental health, it’s probably time to circle the wagons and look at other options that are financially feasible and a little easier on your stress level.To put it another way: you can live in Arizona when you hate the heat, and you can be miserable in the heat, or you can move to San Francisco where the weather’s more to your liking, but…Arizona is hot and that’s that.

Probably time to move.

Sarah,

A little over a year ago my boyfriend (whom I’d been friends with for two years prior to us dating) and I broke up, fairly amicably.A matter of days after the break-up I found out I was pregnant.I do not and have never wanted children, so I knew what my decision was as soon as I heard the devastating news.My boyfriend was VERY aware of my stand on this issue — it’s one thing I make clear to anyone I’m in a relationship with.

I told him the news, as I felt it was his right to know and I was hoping for some support from him (mainly emotionally, but financially as well). He made many a statement about being “there” for me in any way I needed him to.In the next breath and several breaths and days after, he commenced with trying to talk me out of my decision, using every tactic and rationale he could think of.Yet he continued to say he’d be there for me…needless to say, he wasn’t there for me at all.

I terminated the pregnancy…he was nowhere around and offered no emotional support, no financial support, nothing.The guy didn’t even call me afterwards to check on me even though he knew I went to the appointment alone.All of this had me (and still has me) in a state of extreme stress, anger, depression, et cetera.Since then I feel like my life has been completely off track.I’ve been fired from two jobs, my finances are a mess, my emotions are ridiculously volatile, I’m not sleeping well or eating right and have absolutely no motivation.I’ve seen therapists, am on antidepressants and nothing seems to help me get back on track.

I’m still extremely angry with this person and I can’t seem to make that go away, even after sending him a letter venting everything I feel and think about the situation.To make matters worse, he’s a part of my group of friends and it’s causing a strain because I don’t feel capable of seeing him in a social setting without going ballistic on him.A mutual friend is one of my best friends and I can’t even discuss this with her because it started causing a rift between us…

Any ideas on how to get over, past, through and beyond this so I can get my life back the way it was before he came into the inner sanctum of it?

This Train Wreck Ain’t Waiting, It’s Already Happened

Dear Wreck,

Okay, a couple of things jump out at me here, and they kind of form a theme.First of all, you talk about how you have to bottle up your feelings about your ex because you still see him all the time and can’t discuss this with your “mutual friend.”The second thing is that you went to the appointment by yourself.Do you see what I’m getting at here?

Taken together, these things suggest to me that you’re really unwilling to get genuinely angry at people because it might make them uncomfortable — and I hear that, but that’s what anger is.That’s what anger does.The guy didn’t agree with your decision to terminate the pregnancy, which is his right and his opinion, but that being said, I’m really not clear on why the two of you continue to socialize together when you had a profound disagreement over a life-changing issue; he bailed on you because of it; and he is your ex.Amicable, shmamicable — those days are over.

And where were your other friends when all this went down?Did they bail on you too?Or did you just not ask them for help because you didn’t want to bother them, or put them in the position of choosing sides?Because that’s an admirable instinct, I guess, but sometimes, you have to ask for what you need and expect to get it, and deserve it.Bottom line, a termination is a medical procedure and you really aren’t supposed to walk out of the office by yourself.You couldn’t find one friend who would get your back on that?

Understand: I am not criticizing you and I am not criticizing your friends.I am trying to get you to see that there’s a pattern here — that you don’t value your own feelings and you don’t trust your instincts, so you just kind of swallow everything and suffer with it, and…that’s clearly not working.You’re not dealing with your anger and hurt and pain at being abandoned.Terminating a pregnancy is not something anyone does lightly, and you’re not dealing with your issues with that, either, I don’t think, because I suspect that you think you “shouldn’t” have any because you don’t want kids, but…it’s not that easy, I don’t think.It’s a difficult choice and you had to live with it all by yourself.

So, what to do?Well, keep going to therapy, but start believing in it.Start getting in touch with how furious you are at these people.And do not spend time with your ex anymore, and who cares how other people feel about it.It’s a complicated situation, they’re grown-ups, and they can see you separately and deal with it, not your problem.If your mutual “friend” doesn’t want to hear about it anymore, fine; downgrade her to acquaintance status until you’ve worked through your own shit.Not everyone is going to stay friends.Not everyone is going to get along all the time.It’s a part of life, it’s perfectly okay, but for your own peace of mind and in order to start addressing these emotions you’re having productively and move on?You need to take some time for yourself, you need to do what you have to to feel comfortable for yourself, and that means cutting this guy loose and not bending over backwards anymore to make this friend comfortable.

You’ve got a lot on your plate.You’re doing the best you can.But you’re not giving yourself any credit for that, and I think you’re a little too concerned with everyone getting along to get right with yourself.Put that job first for a while and see how things go, and if your friends can’t hang with that, they can’t, but it doesn’t change the fact that the job needs doing.You’ll be fine; commit to making that happen.

Hi Sars!

I don’t think you’ve heard this one before, and I’m dying for some advice!
Normally I would ask my sister, but for reasons that will be obvious in a
minute, that might be a little awkward. Here’s the story:

I am currently a freshman in college. I went to school with a guy named Ben
for years, and since we ran in the same social circle, we were always
friendly. Senior year we became much closer. For months I thought we had a
flirty vibe between us, and I even thought that we might be dating before
long. It might be helpful to say here that while I was well-liked in school
(prom queen et cetera) I have never dated. Ben had had one brief relationship that I
am aware of, but is also pretty romantically inexperienced. I chalked up the
delay between flirting and dating to both of us not being sure how to go about
mkaing a move.

My sister is three years younger than me and very attractive. She has dated
several boys and is very self-confident. We are best friends, and I of course
told her about my feelings for Ben. She wasn’t crazy about him, but since her
opinion is so important to me, I made a real effort to get her and Ben to be
friendlier. I told Ben that she thought he was kind of quiet, so he made a big
deal out of trying to make her like him — waving at her in the halls, chatting
in the cafeteria, and so on.

After a while, I started to feel a little jealous
of all the attention he was giving her (I already have some inferiority issues
going on here, I’ll admit it). Ben picked up on it and started joking about how
he liked my sister better than me to get me mad, and all our mutual male
friends joined in. At first it really was funny, but after a while his
constant attention toward her caused her to develop a crush on him, too. She
flirted pretty aggressively, and I started to feel like he was non-jokingly
reciprocating. I told Ben repeatedly that I hated him joking about his
preference for her, but I was too embarrassed to do it in anything but a sort
of light tone. My sister’s flirtatiousness started to be a real issue for me,
and I resented that she would try to take a boy away from me. She, on the
other hand, didn’t think it was fair for me to call “dibs” on a guy I wasn’t
even dating.

Towards the end of the year, my sister told him how she felt. He answered
that he was flattered but not into her. My sister was crushed, and I was
annoyed with him for, I felt, leading her on and hurting my feelings in the
process. I chewed him out over it, and he said he was sorry. I didn’t,
however, directly tell him that I had had a crush on him too. Before long, we
were friends again. He was headed to a prestigous and rigorous college in another state, and I wrote him a couple letters then.
Once he got computer access he sent
me a few very short, friendly, and maybe a little flirtatious (?) emails. One
included his cell phone number, but I haven’t used it. I gave him mine in
return and he hasn’t called, although to be fair, his free time is very
limited. My sister has since started dating a new guy, but she had a tough time
getting over Ben. She has urged me to find a new guy here, but I just can’t
seem to find anyone I feel the same about.

So here’s my questions. I really like this guy, but I can’t read him. Is it
possible he was just clueless that he was hurting my feelings and my sister’s?
Am I making a fool out of myself here?Should I try to see him when we are
both home over break, or let him take the initiative? I thought he might be
into me, but I am so bad at reading guys. Advice would be so appreciated!

Sister Snafu in Chicago

Dear Snafu,

Okay, so…you don’t tell Ben you like him; you basically order him to make an effort with your sister; when that effort pays off, you get mad, but don’t tell him the truth about why, and you also get mad at your sister when she’s the reason you asked him to do this in the first place; then you get mad at him for “leading her on” when, again, you requested that he make the effort in her direction; you still don’t tell him how you feel; he’s caused a rift between you and your sister; he’s moved away and effectively put an end to the problem; and you still want to stick your hand in the Ben?

Look: no.It’s very scary to tell people how you feel, I get that, but because you didn’t do that, this entire situation blew up in your face, and I think revisiting any part of it right now is a mistake.Until you can speak frankly to Ben (or any other guy) about your feelings, and until you can get out from under comparing yourself to your sister, this is not shit you need.Again, I understand that it’s hard and that fear of rejection is very real, but…that’s just a part of relationships, putting yourself out there and hoping for the best, and if you don’t do that, it’s understandable, but you kind of have to live with it if you don’t get what you want because you didn’t ask.

This will get somewhat easier with time, generally speaking, but as far as Ben specifically…done.Over.Even if you’re finally prepared to put your cards on the table, it’s just too complicated at this point.Direct your efforts elsewhere.

Hi Sars,

My problem is in regards to a friend. I am old enough to completely concur
with you about many friendships having an end date. I have experienced this
myself and usually know how to handle it. My problem is that I have been
thrown a curveball with an old, close friendship that has reached its
expiry date unexpectedly and, honestly, I am little flummoxed.

We met years ago and I’m a couple of years older than her. In the beginning
I think she saw me as an older sister type, someone she would go to for
advice, help sort out her problems et cetera. I was seen as “strong” and always
sure of myself et cetera. As we both got older, I had thought, her having seen that I
struggle as much as the next human, learn from mistakes, grow, am not
infallible, that we had a friendship based upon equality. We saw each other
at our best and worst, so, good all around, you know?

My friend and her husband moved overseas three years ago. It was a lifelong
dream, so of course, she had my complete support. Since the move, we have
kept in frequent contact, emails a couple of times a week and phone calls. In
fact, I would say that compared to some of my friends who are here in the
city I live, I speak to her more regularly. The move for her ended up being
harder than I think she anticipated and I’ve had to do a lot of emotional
support long distance but over the past few months I thought she was
settled.

For me, the past year has been a very difficult one for me. I was diagnosed
with cancer last year and have been in and out of hospital as they try to
treat it. I have not been able to work as a result of it so am pretty poor,
living back at home (although that has actually been good because it has
strengthened the relationships with my immediate family). To make things
worse, my granny suddenly became very sick and then passed away two months
ago. We were close and I don’t think I have begun really grieving yet. It is
still too raw. I believe her death has also made me start to confront my own
ill health and the long battle I have ahead.

So, after all this, my friend overseas surprised me with a ticket to go over
and visit her for a week. Offered as a break from all of this. I was stunned
by the generosity of it, taken aback as there is no way I could pay her back
any time soon et cetera. But I was told to see it as a gift to her, that she
missed me. She has been very worried about me and would like to look after
me a bit. She told me about the room she has prepared for me so I thought
why not? I really wanted to see her and wanted to see the country she was
living in. Worth the long journey literally to the other side of the world. The
break sounded inspired.

As soon as I got there, though, it was obvious things were not as they
seemed. The room set up for me was in fact me sleeping on the couch. And
their apartment was tiny. Not an exaggeration — tiny (in terms of three people
living in it). The couch was literally seven feet away from the kitchen sink. It
was explained to me that I was not offered their bedroom because of my
friend’s husband’s shift work.
At this point, I felt trapped. I was halfway across the world, not enough
money to book myself a hotel without having to involve other people…and I
thought, “Oh, it’s a week — it’ll be okay…remember college?”

It only got worse. She (in my opinion) is not in a happy place. She was
needy, clingy, and didn’t want to go anywhere. I discover that until a month
ago, she hadn’t left her apartment on her own, even to do grocery shoppoing.
Anything I expressed an interest in doing or seeing she complained about.
Everything was “too far away, we don’t go there” or “too fancy” or “snobby.”
When I cajoled her into doing it with me, her and her husband had a
fabulous time and would be on a high afterwards. But she needed me to be her
constant pep squad. Then there was the constant onslaught about her
problems, her insecurities. Her trying to break into her dream job and
basically trying to get me to sort out what she needed to do. My feelings
(like feeling cold, tired) fell on deaf ears.

By mid-week I had enough. I was very confused and very tired. On one hand
she wanted me to mother her and the other she was almost attacking me for
things that are just me. The qualities that she wants to use or be like in a
way. Whatever was going on, I clearly wasn’t making her happy. The question
that was floating in my brain was, “Why did you BOTHER bringing me over
here?” I ended up having a frank talk, expressing my confusion and that
question. Also adding that she had put me in an unfair situation, as my
problems just now really didn’t leave me with any energy to deal with anyone
else’s. Not because I didn’t want too but because I just can’t. Tears
followed and an honest admission that she bought the ticket for me so there
was no way I could refuse to come. That she needed me and that she knew that
if I had known what was really going on with her, I wouldn’t have come (she
was right). Long talk, apologies, feeling mortified that she was so selfish,
suggestion from me for her to seek some help because she was clearly
struggling, hugs and a commitment that the rest of my trip will be a
nice break.

Wrong. Thought she was fine the following day but upon my return to their
apartment that night, she was distant. From then on, left me to do my own
thing entirely (didn’t come anywhere with me at all but actually, that was a
bit of a relief) and showed very perfunctory interest at best. Her husband
as the week wore on just looked like he wanted me out of there because he
needed his space. I ended up spending all day and much of the night out of
the apartment and was glad that departure day arrived. That day we had
organised to spend to together and she would take me to the airport. This
occurred, was actually the one pleasant day we had. Until we get midway to
the airport (going via train) and she decides she cannot go all the way with
me. She gets off at a station midway and heads back home! I end up making
it there on my own, literally relying on the kindness of strangers (!!) to
help me with my luggage (believe it or not, there is such a thing in big
cities…that was a nice discovery).

I was not happy to say the least. I feel used and my trust betrayed. Also a
good portion of that anger was directed towards myself for not booking into
a hotel as soon as I saw what I walked into. When arriving back home I
realised that not once during my stay did she ask me anything about the past
year. Not ONE thing.

So…I knew, I had to deal with it. I thought I would
give myself a week to clear my head, recover from jet lag and see where I was
at. I was too angry to make a decision. So, now it is a week later, I got to
my inbox and I see an email from her. And in it was how she had been
thinking about her behaviour during my stay. And it was caused because I was
“dredging up the past” and how my asking about people and things “she has
moved on from” just put her in a place she didn’t appreciate. (All I can
remember is when asking about her family or other friends, she tells me she
is not in contact with most of them…I didn’t know until I got there! She
told me differently via the phone and email for three years…) How I
continually “made her feel small” and how she moved to where she is to
“pursue her dreams” and that she felt that I had tried to ruin them for her.
That she had put me on a pedestal and that she was sorry for that but now
she sees that we are equals. That I spoke to her like I was her mother (I
know about that relationship, not good, so that was particularly insulting).
That she thought I should know how I made her feel and that by being honest,
this will only strengthen our friendship. That she knows I didn’t mean to
make her feel this way, but I did. That we have both changed, that’s okay,
friendships do that. We hit a bump but it will be fine.

I am going to spare you the string of expletives that followed reading all
of this.

Don’t worry, I know that girl is clearly crazy. I do not want to partake in
craziness and not asking you to help me to do this. One good thing about
being so ill is that it seems to weed this shit out — “you know who your real
friends are” or rather “you know crazy when it walks through the door and
how to run a mile.”I have never dealt with this sort of “ending” before
and certainly not from a friend as old, as well as previously close,
before. I can’t believe I have been SO SO fooled but I suppose it is easier
to disguise things when you aren’t seeing someone face-to-face. To me it
feels like she has lost grip on reality and currently I know my decision
making skills are a little “off” from feeling so angry and so confused (about where on earth did this all come from?!). What I would like to ask
you is how would you respond from here? Would you even bother responding to
this or just cut her out immediately without any word?

The sooner I
deal with this the better. A part of me feels very selfish about all of this
but it does come down to me knowing I don’t need the aggravation or stress.
It is not good for me and I know that once I can make a decision about what
to do (or not to do), I can move forward.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I look forward to your insights.

Yours,
Not THAT confused to want to keep Crazy

Dear Not,

This is a pretty long letter for a decision that basically comes down to: 1) cut her dead or 2) rip a strip off her and then cut her dead.

My instinct is to tell you to go with 2), because she doesn’t get it, but…she won’t get it, probably.I mean, this is an individual who moved overseas three years ago and, it appears, cannot leave her apartment unaccompanied, either because she’s suffering from some sort of mood disorder like agoraphobia or because she’s a big old spoiled baby who wants to be done for instead of doing for herself.So either she’s ill, or she just sucks, but even if you explain to her that you felt abandoned and manipulated by the entire situation, she’s not going to hear that in any meaningful way.She’s just going to read that as you condescending to her.

Still, for your own sake, I think it’s worth laying it out for her: she’s a drama queen, she’s a wretched host, you don’t appreciate her lying to you and manipulating you, you certainly don’t appreciate these specious accusations, and you’re sorry the friendship has to end like this, but you can’t expose yourself to this kind of emotional toxicity at this point in your medical life, so buh-bye, we’re done here.Frankly, I think she’s unwell, but it’s possible to have a few problems in your life and still manage not treat people like crap; buying you a plane ticket (under, at best, incomplete pretenses) doesn’t take her off the hook for that.Nor does it require you to act as her full-time therapist, which from the sounds of it you’ve been doing for some time, and that’s really not a job you should be taking on, for a number of reasons.

Tell her off, wish her luck, done.This isn’t about friendships having a lifespan.This is about you not having an MD in psychiatry.

Hi Sars,

I have a daughter in second grade who attends a Catholic school. This year
she will be having her First Communion, but before she can do that, she has
to go to her First Reconciliation, a.k.a. Confession.My problem is that the
Church wants the parents of the kids to go to Confession on the day the kids
are going to their First Reconciliation, to set an example.

I pretty much rejected being a “good” Catholic a long time ago.She goes to
Catholic school because the public schools where I live suck. (Yeah, I know
I should support the schools, but I want her to be able to read, and I do
pay my property taxes on time.) I haven’t been to Confession for probably 15
years.I have had two abortions in that time, and I feel pretty guilty and
horrible about doing it.

I really, really feel like getting it off my chest before going and setting
the “example” for my daughter.This is going to sound really crazy, I know. I should probably seek professional help.I was thinking about going to
another church in the our city and doing confession with a priest there,
since he wouldn’t know me from Adam (or Eve, heh, heh).I really don’t want
the priest at my daughter’s school/church knowing this about my personal
life.Or should I quite being such a self-loathing bad person and go to the
priest where she goes to school? Or should I just keep it to myself like I
have for all these years and not freaking worry about it so much?

Mother of a Catholic-school girl

Dear Mother,

Well, what “example” are you setting, exactly?The example of going to Confession “properly”?Or the example that you yourself do not have much use for the Catholic Church?Because, frankly, if you aren’t observant, your daughter has already picked that up, so I don’t think I see a need to put on a big act to the contrary for her benefit, particularly when it makes you uncomfortable.I mean, sure, go to Confession a couple of towns over; make the gesture, go along to get along.Is this the spirit of Confession as I understand it?No, probably not.(Keeping in mind that I was raised in a UCC/Baptist church and we just asked for forgiveness on our own time.)But I don’t think faking an observance you don’t really feel is a great example either.

Do whatever supports your daughter but doesn’t make your skin crawl.I think it’s perfectly reasonable to visit a different church and go into the booth there instead; this is more than you’d ordinarily do, so I think that’s your due diligence as far as setting an example with Confession goes.As far as setting an example more generally goes, with spiritual practice, maybe it’s a good opportunity to talk with your daughter about how people believe different things and express that in different ways and so on.

Maybe it’s also a good opportunity just to get the “sins” off your chest and have that done with, too.That’s up to you.But I don’t think you need to involve a priest at her school if you don’t want to.Strike the best balance you can and try not to give yourself so much guilt about it.

[11/29/05]

Share!