Hey Sars,

I’m a junior in college and I have a great, busy life. I’ve been dating this wonderful guy, Tim, for several months now and we’re very happy. Tim’s my first “real” boyfriend and the only person I’ve had sex with (same goes for him). So far, so good.

My mom, whom I’m very close to, is coming to visit me at school soon. It’s the first time she’ll ever set foot on campus; my family lives really far away, so visits haven’t been financially possible. In fact, I moved in by myself and no one in my family has ever seen my school. I’ve only gone home twice since I started college.But now my mom is coming, which I’m very excited about, even if the reasons why she decided to take the trip aren’t that great. She was diagnosed with an eating disorder earlier this year and has been going through a really tough time. Among the issues she’s dealing with is how her 30-plus-year struggle with eating/body image might have affected my sisters and me. Having me so far away for over two years has been difficult for her, because she feels that she needs to “repair” whatever damage she might have done. So, she saved up and is flying up here to spend some quality time with me.

I tell my mom pretty much everything about my life. But I haven’t told her about Tim and me having sex. She’s very against premarital sex, which I don’t understand but do respect. It feels weird not to tell her, especially since my relationship with Tim is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. But, then again, I know that she would be upset by the news, because she’s so morally opposed to it. And, since she’s in a very fragile emotional state right now, I don’t know how badly she would take it. Not to mention whether that would ruin her visit, which we’re both looking forward to. Or, God forbid, that she’d start blaming herself — which she tends to do — for my living in sin.

Should I keep her in the dark about my non-virgin ways? I mean, she doesn’t need to know, but I can’t help but feel like I’m hiding something from her, since I’m so used to sharing everything with her. It just doesn’t feel right to keep it to myself. Any advice?

Cheers,
At Least I’m Not Rory Gilmore

Dear Not Rory,

Whether or not you’re having sex really isn’t your mom’s business.She can have an opinion about premarital sex; you guys can be very close; neither of these things means you have an obligation to tell her.I mean, you are hiding something from her, but that’s not necessarily wrong or inappropriate.Parents do not need to know everything about their of-age children’s lives; it’s important to have boundaries, and particularly in your mother’s case, where she has a disease that’s almost entirely about control…I mean, this is not up to her to decide, or to make about herself.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t tell her, or that you should lie if it comes up…or that you shouldn’t lie.You should do what feels right in the situation.But 1) this is not aggro she needs right now; 2) this is not aggro you want clouding her visit; and 3) you are a voting adult who does not need parental approval of her decisions.Sometimes you just have to live with your parents’ discomfort and trust yourself.

Sars:

I’m a college sophomore.This year, I live in a six-person
suite (two guys, four girls) with five very good friends.Now, I
was worried because everyone always says that living
together kills friendships.Mostly, we’ve all been fine
(although it has only been a little over a month).No one
hates me, so I’m all good.

The problem: Two of the people in the suite (I shall call them Sarah and
Matt) started dating last November, a little after they met.
I was friends with Matt, but since he and Sarah were
together I got to know Sarah really well and at this point
we’re closer than Matt and I ever were.The issue is,
halfway through last year, Matt dumped Sarah.Said that
they didn’t have communication, there wasn’t much they had
in common and ended it.Everyone (and by everyone I mean my
circle of friends) was pretty shocked, as they’d seemed to be
getting along fine.Also the general consensus was that
Sarah is gorgeous and could do way better than Matt.

A few
days later, Matt seemed to come to this conclusion, too, and
begged her to give him a second chance.She held out for
about a week and then they got back together.Then, in
April, Matt said to Sarah that he didn’t do long-distance
and he thought they should break up for the summer and then
get back together in the fall.At this point, we’d all
already made the commitment to live together.Sarah,
shocked and hurt, asked a bunch of people if she was crazy
in thinking that this was a dumb idea.We all agreed with
her.She intended to confront Matt about this but never
did, as he took back his suggestion (the thing about Matt is
that he tends to say things without thinking them through).

Anyway, this summer, they broke up again.They both told me
it was mutual.After being back at school for a while, I
found out from another suitemate that they broke up because
Matt said he didn’t see the relationship going anywhere, he
wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, and he just
wanted to have fun.This was not okay with Sarah, who’d been
with him for months.So they broke up, and Sarah said that
it was over for good this time.

A little after this,
another suitemate, Lewis, told Sarah that he had feelings
for her.Now, I spent time with Sarah, Matt, and Lewis over
the summer, and I must say, Lewis and Sarah have more
chemistry and more fun together than Matt and Sarah ever
did.I told Sarah (when she told me about Lewis) that I
could see her with Lewis.Sarah told Lewis, though, that
she needed some time to be single and that dating someone in
the suite would be awkward.Since she told me the exact
same thing, I believe she was being honest.HOWEVER, a week
after being back at school, she and Matt were very
affectionate.Sarah still said it wouldn’t happen because
he’d had his second chance.A few days later…yup, back
together.

I won’t lie, I was annoyed by this (as were many
of my friends), because Sarah had insisted it wouldn’t
happen and this seems to be a weird cycle.Add to this that
Matt has been getting on many people’s nerves lately
(sometimes I can’t remember why I’m friends with him) and
that it always seems like Matt and Sarah are arguing.When
Matt does something that upsets Sarah, she says things like,
“Why am I with him?” and never answers them.So we all
think the relationship is a horrible one, but no one wants
to say anything.

The main problem here is that Lewis still
has feelings for Sarah, in a big way.Whenever a group of
people are hanging out without the Dynamic Duo (as we’ve
taken to calling them), Lewis will ask us what he should do.
He’s got it bad, Sars.His strategy was just to be a great
guy and show Sarah that he would be so good to her.This
was working fine, but eventually Matt realized that Lewis
has feelings for his girlfriend and has started being even
more affectionate towards Sarah around Lewis.However,
whenever Lewis isn’t around?They’re fighting again.So
I’m annoyed because it pisses me off that they would flaunt
their relationship in front of Lewis like that, and that
Sarah didn’t stop herself from getting back together with
Matt (and never gives anyone a reason why she’s with him
when he seems to always be getting on her nerves).Mostly,
though, I want to know what I should do when Lewis asks for
advice.Because, honestly, I wish he and Sarah could be
together, I really think they’d be happy, and I feel bad for
Lewis when he has to deal with Matt and Sarah all over each
other.

So, what do I do?Do I confront Sarah and tell her to tell
Lewis that he has no chance or to break up with Matt?Do I
try and stay out of it (even though I’d feel like a shitty
friend to Lewis if he asked me for advice and I just said
“Not my problem!”)?I could use some outside advice here,
as pretty much all my other close friends are in my boat.

Signed,
And I was worried about someone using all the hot water

Dear Water,

Actually, this…really isn’t your problem, and I think declining to deal with it is the smart play here.I don’t mean that you have to clap your hands over your ears all “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU” every time Sarah, or Lewis, brings it up; listening and offering your opinion is fine.But it isn’t really for you to confront anyone or tell anyone what to do — primarily because it won’t work.Sarah can’t seem to get that Matt treats her like that because he can, because she’s shown him every time that she’ll just take his shit and come back when he whines.Lewis doesn’t seem to get that Sarah is more about a fucked-up challenge than she is about him and that even if they do get together, she’s just going to use him to make herself feel better.

And you don’t seem to get that you aren’t required to find this interesting.Because, really, it isn’t, is it?I mean, you love these people, but you’re tired of it, aren’t you?Tired of having to deal with this issue over and over?Tired of living in the middle of it?So how about you just say so?”Sarah, I’m sorry, but you know I think Matt treats you badly and there’s only so many times I can hear you complain about him.””Lewis, if you want to get with Sarah, go plead your case, to her; I have a French test tomorrow.”

Look, I have been the Lewis (and the Sarah…heh), and it takes time for things to sink in sometimes; I’m not trying to bust on them for caring about stuff that’s trivial.It isn’t trivial, certainly not to them.But I think we can all agree that, when it comes to self-generated romantic melodrama of this nature, there is a statute of limitations on how long you can expect your friends to drop everything to support you, and to listen to hours of ambivalent cuticle-chewing about the situation.Like, you’ve got three make-up-break-up cycles, but after that, we’ve just really got nothing left.We’ve talked it to death with you, nothing’s changed…you need to start handling it on your own, or take steps to get out of it, or whatever, but “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” is a famous story for a reason.

I think it’s time for you to recuse yourself from dealing with this agita, at least for right now.It is possible to be compassionate and supportive without kind of enabling The Theater Of The Lovelorn, so everyone gets ten minutes to vent and then you’re going to the movies — or whatever limits work for you, but seriously, set some limits.Don’t let them make their problems, which have clear solutions, your problems.

My dearest Sars,

I have been reading over your archives as of late and I have come to realize that I love your advice even more than I thought possible. Thank you for continuing this service over the years.

Here is my dilemma: Over a year ago, I was “set up” with a guy through friends. Even though I was skeptical, he won me over. I fell completely in love. We have our issues, but I have a level of trust and comfort with him I have never felt in previous relationships. Without gushing too much, I want to convey that our relationship means more to me than I ever thought was possible. We have been living together for the past eight months. He proposed three months ago and I accepted. Just as more background, he has a nine-year-old son from a previous relationship that I have built a great relationship with and adore. I have an established relationship with his ex and we have all gotten over the potential awkwardness and we all work to keep everything peachy-keen. Sarah, I am happy to come home from work at night and have him to talk to.

The reason I am writing you is…I am still scared of getting married. I honestly, though only being 26, never thought I would get married. I always thought of myself as the girl that would be the last singleton. I had grand plans to adopt at 35. I have had long-term relationships and I love kids but I never really figured them into my long-term plans. Not that I thought of myself as a suave cosmopolitan girl (lord I sound like my grandmother) but I just didn’t see it in the cards.And then I met him and it has felt natural and right since the beginning.

And I am ecstatic, I really am. I love him. I find that rare and amazing. But I feel like I find myself thinking of our marriage as an “if and when.” I can’t see myself growing old with him but I can’t see myself growing old with anyone. I think about our time together once we get married and I know I will be happy and I picture us having more babies together and then…nothing. No long term. I feel like sometimes I think in terms of “well this will be great and then when we get divorced…” There is nothing to lead me to
this being an ultimate result, just the fact that I feel it could happen. I wonder sometimes if I have been force-fed the “50% of marriages end in divorce” theory too much and am reacting poorly.

Is this because my parents split up when I was young? They are friendly to one another and I was raised with both around being supportive. Is this underlying problems in our relationship I do not see or realize? Just normal cold feet? I guess I feel like is the guy I am going to MARRY, not a so-so relationship, high school sweetheart or lame crush. Should I have no hesitation?

Help! I cannot imagine leaving but I do not want to make a long-term mistake.

Much respect,
Please tell me I am overreacting, I feel like a bad chick lit novel

Dear You’re Overreacting,

You’re not going to get married and then sit around all Pointedly Being Married every minute — you love him, you already live together, and it’s the logical next step.

It’s faintly absurd for me to tell you not to overthink getting married — it is, after all, one of the biggest transitions you face as an adult — and it’s certainly a big deal, but the fact is that nothing is written in stone: not the timeline of when you “should” get married or how old is “old enough,” not whether you have a grand plan for your old age (which…seriously, only people in Charles Schwab commercials talk this way), not even whether you stay married.Nobody wants to get divorced, and when it happens, it’s a sad thing, but when you strip away all the societal crap and everyone else’s expectations, marriage is about joining yourself to another person, and you’ve already done that in your heart.The hard part, trusting someone else to make your life better, that’s already done.Now you just have to trust yourself.

If you’re not ready, you shouldn’t go ahead with it, of course, but I think you’re readier than you think.Don’t talk yourself out of it.

My parents got divorced when I was about seven years old, and I only saw my father maybe once every two years. My mom remarried when I was eight years old, to an absolutely wonderful man, who adopted me when I was nine. He has been there for me every day for the past eight years — he’s gone to every parent-teacher conference; driven me to orchestra practice every week; cheered me on at every single one of my swim meets; taken me to look at colleges and was there to hug me and reassure me every time I’ve cried or been afraid. In every way that counts, he is my dad.

My mom died six months ago. My father, out of guilt, or something, has now started calling me every week, and now takes me out to lunch once a month. He’s trying to make up for lost time, which I appreciate, but he’s never going to be as close to me as my stepdad. My father gives me a hug and a kiss after lunch every month, and I flinch every time. He keeps trying to force this “father-daughter” level of intimacy on me, and I’m just freaked out by the whole thing. Before my mom died, I’d spent maybe five days with him in nine years. He is a complete stranger to me, and he doesn’t seem to understand that. I’m open to renewing our relationship, but I need to do it on my terms — we can keep going to lunch together each month, he can keep calling each week, but I don’t want to spend the night at his house, I don’t want him to yell at me for not being automatically comfy with him, I don’t want him to meet my friends or my boyfriends, I don’t want him to pick me up after school and I don’t want him to hug me until I say it’s okay.

Now, my father tells me he’s going to talk to my stepdad and then get a lawyer so he can try and get some kind of custody arrangement — like me spending every second weekend at his house, or something. I really don’t want this. At all. How do I tell my father this, without hurting his feelings? For that matter, how do I tell him to back off, and let me decide what I’m comfortable with? I’ve tried before, but he always gets really mad at me and won’t listen. Last time, for example, when I tried to broach the subject, he said (or rather, yelled), “I’m your fucking father! [Stepdad] is just some guy your mom married, and now she’s gone, I’m the only family you got left and I’d appreciate it if you started acting like it!”

Sars, what do I do? I want my father to back off and stop forcing it, but I want to keep working on our relationship — and I’m scared if I say something wrong he’ll just walk out of my life like he did when I was seven, and I’ll never see him again. What do I do?

Thanks for your help,
Angsty Teenager With Daddy Issues

Dear Angst,

I think you need to print this letter out and show it to your dad.He needs to get that this kind of relationship does not just spring up overnight, and you hope that you can be close someday, but his forcing it is making you uncomfortable and you’re not going to pretend otherwise.

I also think you should speak frankly to your stepdad about the fact that your bio-dad is grossing you out a little with how he’s rushing things.Get his advice; discuss it.And if your bio-dad doesn’t currently have a custody arrangement — by which I mean that you and your stepdad are not legally required to let him see you — it might be wise to just not see him for a while.If he wants to get a lawyer and compel you to spend time with him, well, then he’s kind of a dick who’s more concerned with “winning” than he is with your feelings.

And if he reacts poorly and walks out of your life again?See above.That kind of rejection isn’t something you want to deal with, but keep in mind, this guy checked out of your life when your parents got divorced, and when he showed up again, he wasn’t really interested in you or how you felt about it; he’s doing this for himself.Do you need that in your life, really?I know you’ve lost your mom, and you might want to gather as many people around you as possible right now because of that, but shouldn’t those people be supporting you, and not some idea of paternal duty?

Your stepdad is your “real” dad in every way that counts.Get his opinion; ask for his help; set some boundaries with your other dad.He’s pushing you away by being so insistent, and he needs to hear that, pronto.

Hi, Sars!

I am concerned about a friend and could use some outside input.I’ve
been friends with J since we were 12 (we are now 23).We both
graduated from our respective colleges a year and half ago, and moved
back home somewhat reluctantly with the idea of being near our
families (at least until younger siblings graduate and come home) and
saving some money by living at home (yes, by now we have each moved
out).Neither J nor I are particularly happy in our home state, and
we each have our plans to move on in the next year or so.

Here’s the thing.I know J is unhappy and frustrated, and we all have
different ways of dealing with unhappiness and frustration.J is, and
always has been, much more of a “wild child” than I.She is much more
comfortable with heavy drinking and casual sex than I am, and we have
always respected each other’s differences without much thought.
Recently, however, she had a roommate move in and then out again in
one month.The roommate wasn’t being a total flake: she had a calm
talk with J about her lifestyle and habits, and how they concerned
her, and that she felt the best thing for their friendship was to
remove herself from the situation.

J recounted this to me, telling me that the roommate seemed to think
she was an alcoholic slut.I assured her that I did not think she
was an alcoholic, and that I would say something if I thought she was,
but that she is drinking a lot more lately than she used to do, and
that I had been assuming it was boredom and frustration and she would
naturally cut back eventually.She agreed, and we moved on.

Now, however, I am having some doubts.I told her I’d tell her if I
was concerned, but I really don’t know whether my concern is justified
enough to bring up.She doesn’t drink like my parents (who are in
fact alcoholics, and the reason I am such a moderate drinker myself)
but she does seem to be drinking to the point of blacking out one or
twice a month, and last week she told me she was pretty sure she had
had sex with the friend of the boy she likes — a boy she knows has a
girlfriend and wouldn’t have slept with sober.She is having a lot of
drama with the boy she has a crush on, and she isn’t really a very
melodramatic person, so I think she might just be having trouble
dealing with it.She really only gets that drunk when he is around.

I care about this girl, and I wouldn’t want to stand by and watch her
get herself into trouble, but I don’t want to be a nag or a worrywart
either, and I am worried she will only think I am being judgmental,
given our different basic attitudes toward drinking and sex.Also, it
isn’t really my business, except that she is my friend and I care
about her.So what do you think?Just a phase/bad reaction to a
crush/any kind of temporary issue?Or a bigger problem?Should I say
anything to her?

Cautiously concerned in North Dakota

Dear ND,

You did say something to her already.If her behavior has you worried about her safety, you should say something about that, too, but I would avoid psychoanalyzing her to her; just tell her you’re concerned that she’s going to put herself in a dangerous situation, and leave it at that.

I don’t know what the deal was with the roommate, but that, coupled with the fact that you’ve expressed your concern to her, might prompt her to examine what’s going on with her.It might not, too, but she’s a big girl; you don’t need to mother her.She’s your friend.

[11/30/05]

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