Hey Sars,

How far can you allow a friend to make “stupid” decisions?

I’m sure we’ve all had the classic scenario, where a friend/sibling/parent dates someone who is “wrong” for them, at least in our eyes,
but at what point do we intervene or make our opinions known (when
they are not even asked)?

One of my friends is dating a guy for almost a year with one break-
up, which nearly devastated her. It was after two months of dating. She
was “in love” with him, and he felt that she was suffocating him.

The problem now is…that she is about to make a life-changing career
decision. She is going to pass up a huge promotion at another
location because she wants to stay with him. But in fact, not too
long ago he was going to leave her for another job, except the job
fell through, and it was not their relationship that made him decide
to stay. So he is obviously not as committed. Yet, she’s hoping there
is a future for them…

So what do we do? Do we allow her to make a big mistake? This is a
huge promotion, one that won’t come twice. He is without a doubt the
only thing keeping her from taking it. We don’t know the entire facts
of their relationship because she is very tight-lipped about it…

How should we bring any of this up with her? Should we? Or should we
just butt out?

Blabbering

Dear Blab,

I don’t always ask for my friends’ opinions about my decisions; doesn’t mean they don’t give them, freely and, at times, sans sugary coating.I don’t always like it, and I don’t usually heed their advice, because you can’t tell people anything; everyone has to learn shit for herself.But I appreciate it, because it means they care.

So…yeah.Should you broach the topic?Yes, I think so, but keep two things in mind: 1) you should not make this about the boyfriend, but about the job.Ask if she’s sure she wants to pass on this promotion; ask what other opportunities she’ll pursue instead.Keep the focus on the career aspect and don’t make it a referendum on the guy.

2), of course, is the fact that she’s going to defend her position, most likely, and not really be trying to hear that choosing him over the promotion is not a decision you agree with.She thinks this is best; she’s doing it regardless; understand going into the conversation that she’s probably not going to have a “you know, maybe you’re right” moment and put the guy’s behavior in perspective.

You can make it clear that you support her no matter what; you’re just curious about the next steps for her, job-wise.If she gets defensive, well, she’ll get over it.I think expressing concerns is a cornerstone of good friendships; expecting your friends to actually act on on those concerns, on the other hand, isn’t realistic.Say what you feel comfortable saying, but if it doesn’t have the desired effect — and I’m pretty sure it won’t — don’t feel like you’ve failed her.

Dearest Sars,

I’m 24 years old and I recently broke my ankle (as in, it’s still in a cast).I was working a temp job when it happened, and I didn’t have health insurance.My parents told me they wouldn’t pay for the surgery and that I needed to find my own means, but that if it came down to the wire they wouldn’t allow me to NOT have the surgery.Since I was employed at the time of the surgery I wasn’t eligible for Medicaid.My credit is not tip-top so I couldn’t get a loan or credit card.The deal my parents struck with me is that they would pay, but I would have to hand over my paychecks and get an allowance until everything was paid up.I protested at first but I can understand where they’re coming from; they have loaned me money before and I don’t have the greatest repayment history.

Since my parents and I live in the same town, they really came to the rescue and are continuing to do so.My mom drove me to and from work until I got laid off.She has taken me to doctor’s appointments, done my laundry, and brought groceries over to my apartment.She drove me to the unemployment office and she bought me a fancy-pants shower stool to make my life easier.

Today my mom called and we somehow got onto the topic that she thinks I need counseling.She and my father think I am immature and don’t realize the value of putting off gratification until my responsibilities are handled.She also thinks I sleep with “complete strangers” (I do not sleep with complete strangers, but I have definitely slept with more people than my mom has) to make myself feel better, and I am going to keep being unhappy my entire life until I get some things figured out.She says my father blames himself for this.She said they watch A&E’s Intervention and he cries because on the show it’s always the dad’s fault, and he wants to know where he went wrong with me.

I agree my credit history, both with “real” bills and money borrowed from my parents, shows that I am immature with my financial responsibilities.If it weren’t for my parents stepping in, I really wouldn’t have been able to have surgery.But I think the sleeping-with-strangers thing is a completely separate issue.I do seek the attention/affection of people that are not related to me but I don’t think it’s my dad’s fault, and I don’t think I need to go to counseling for it.I would like to be free to make some mistakes without my parents wringing their hands and crying about it.Granted, 24 is not 18 and I should maybe be done with stumbling over adult responsibilities, but I’m not some miserable failure either.Until my contract ended I had a decent job that I got rave reviews at.I have my own apartment and pay my rent/utilities on time every single month.I have successfully bought and paid off three cars on my own.Other than the surgery, I haven’t needed or requested financial help from my parents in a long time.

The conversation I just had with my mom didn’t end well.Originally she was going to come pick me up so that I could stay at their house until the weekend.I have a doctor’s appointment coming up and will probably have a couple interviews that I’ll need a ride to.I was protesting the idea of counseling, especially because she was offering to pay for it.I don’t want the financial burden to be put on them, and I definitely don’t want them bugging me about it and feeling entitled since they’re paying.I would like to take a break from seeing my parents all the time but since I can’t drive for at least three more weeks that seems unlikely.I know I need to stop depending on them for so much, but when I go a few days without calling they accuse me of avoiding them.

I am just at a loss as to how to proceed.My parents are important to me and I would like to maintain a close relationship with them.But I also want them to quit blaming themselves for everything, and to quit acting like just because my checking account is overdrawn I need to go on Intervention.I don’t have a drug problem, I don’t have maxed-out credit cards, I have safe sex, and I like to think in general I am a decent person.Am I just in denial?Will counseling make me more financially responsible?Is there a way to maintain a close relationship with my parents while keeping them out of my business?I know you cut through the bullshit with a quickness and I normally don’t do so well with brutal honesty, but it’s definitely time for a change.Your advice will be much appreciated!

Signed,

I swear I used to be mature for my age — what happened?

Dear Hap,

Your parents need to get down off the crosses, because we need the wood.Seriously.Everything you’ve just told me, they do to infantilize you because they aren’t comfortable with the fact that you’re an adult who makes mistakes.When you run into a health problem, they start out refusing to help…and then give in and save your butt…and then sigh and complain about how your butt needed saving.When you need money, they give it to you…and then you don’t repay it…and then they whine and moan about how you aren’t financially responsible.

I’m not saying they shouldn’t ever help you; I’m saying they do it because it puts them back in the parental power role, criticizing your lifestyle and controlling your transportation and so on.Yeah, they bitch about it, but they love it, or they wouldn’t do it.If they really wanted you to learn, finally, once and for all, that you have to bail yourself out of your own problems, they would…let you do that.Because you’re perfectly capable of doing it; they just like it better when they can tell themselves you aren’t.

I don’t think you need counseling so much as closer relationships with Dr. To-Do List and Dr. Loan Agreement, but therapy seldom hurts, so you could try a few sessions if it will get them off your back — but what you actually need to do is separate from them more.Every gift has its price, and when you ask for their help, this is the cost; in the future, I think you have to be very aware of that, and to cultivate a network of close friends — and, more importantly, your own independence — in order to avoid getting entangled with their issues.

For the record, there is nothing wrong with adult children needing an assist from the ‘rents from time to time, or with the ‘rents giving it.It’s what family is about.But when it comes with a marionette’s worth of strings attached like this?It’s not about assisting you, for them, quite.It’s about their need to control you still, kind of, and on that basis, it’s really not worth it.Once you’re back on your feet, literally, start actively avoiding situations like this where you have to rely on them.

Hi Sars,

I want to arrange an end-of-year pub gathering with my work colleagues at my part-time job. We’re all students at the same uni and all female and our exams are finishing up soon.

I’m not sure whether I should be inviting our boss, though. He’s a middle-aged guy and I wouldn’t be wondering about this except that he’s pretty much our only boss. As in, without us he’d be a one-man operation. So if we were to all get together and not invite him, he’d be the only one from work not there.

Is it rude to not invite him? I don’t think he’d want to hang around with us anyway and, frankly, we’d be more comfortable without him there but is there some kind of general rule for this? Am I overthinking it? Just don’t want to step on any toes.

Thanks,
If I lived in New York I’d come over and thank you myself

Dear Just Send A Card,

I’d invite him.He’s probably aware of the dynamic, would understand that you invited him for politeness’s sake, and wouldn’t stay very long — and even if he does hang out the whole night, I think that discomfort is preferable to the discomfort you might cause by excluding him.

[11/30/06]

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