The Vine: November 30, 2011
The holiday season is looming and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with a situation before it becomes a Situation. (Could be worse. Could be The Situation…) Brief background: we’re thirtysomethings who live in a very small space, and we’ve recently had our first child, who is about eighteen months old. Like most people, we have some definite ideas about how Child should be raised, ideas that aren’t way out there, but just rather different from some of our family. We’re not Luddites, but we just want to encourage reading, physical activity, and imagination.
Maybe we’re tilting at windmills, but I’m not interested in raising some child version of the people in WALL-E, and we’re new enough at this to still be hopeful. So, while we both realize that we can’t give Child our childhoods and that grandparents and extended family have, to a certain extent, the right to love and “spoil” Child to their hearts’ content, we also do not want any of the following: a child with more crap than imagination, a house overflowing with plastic objects that have obliterated all public spaces, strained family relationships.
Neither of us ever had this problem as kids, but with so much cheap stuff, it’s amazing (appalling?) the volume of toys that seems to appear for our nieces and nephews at the holidays. (Lest it appear that I’m just a stick-in-the-mud control freak, I should say that one four-person family with a van actually had to rent a small U-Haul trailer to get home with gifts and that was just at ONE holiday stop…) We already do a large annual pre-holiday purge for donating that we plan to continue doing as a family and I don’t mean to “borrow trouble,” but this is coming — we both know it is, and we want to have a reasonable, cohesive plan in place so that we can just deal with it smoothly and move on.
What I need is two-fold — a.) ways to clearly articulate some limits without being “no fun” or going on at length and b.) a way to deal with transgressors. Ideally, the first part’s not so bad. I can just create an Amazon wishlist and say, “No more than x dollars, no larger than a mid-sized dog, and nothing that requires a screen, please.” Alternatively, as I’m sometimes afraid we’ll still be paying for our student loans when it’s Child’s turn to go to college, I’m okay with just suggesting some books and a college fund donation. (“But that’s not fun!” they say. Neither is paying for a graduate degree for twenty years…)
But the second part is the trick. I’m really not sure everyone will listen to the message (or they’ll listen to the message, but they won’t hear the message) and that’s when I get really stumped. Partner and I are afraid that if we don’t nip this in the bud, it will only get worse as Child gets bigger and more engaged, or if we have Child 2. Letting it go doesn’t seem to be an option, so then what? At this stage, I can just deal with it myself — quietly put aside anything that we don’t feel good about and exchange it later, but if I do that now, what do I do when Child is older and unwraps something that has been marketed like mad and that we don’t want Child to have? Take it from a crying kid and say, “Gee, sorry, but you can’t have that,” thereby upsetting the giver and the recipient, or wait until later and try to have a more “reasonable” talk with a seven-year-old who just really, really wants to keep the Nintendo DS?
I really, truly don’t want to kill the joy and fun of getting kids something they’re excited about, and I don’t want to create a huge list of what is or is not acceptable item by item. I’m even willing to give up (most) of the fun giving myself so that our families can have that joy, but I have to find some way to rein these people in before they undermine what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m glad Child has loving extended family that gets along and wants to be generous with one another, but I need to have some respect for my wishes as a parent, so I’m hoping you and the readers have some insight and suggestions, because we can’t be the only people with overzealous grandparents.
Cindy Lou Who
Dear Cindy,
Okay, the first thing I’m going to point out is that I’m not a parent, and there are a lot of reasons for that, all of them sound, but the number of emotional and politico-familial minefields y’all have to tiptoe through every birthday and Chrismukkah, and every other holiday, and every other day, forever…that is some taxing shit. Just putting myself in your collective shoes to answer Vine letters, I need to lie down, never mind negotiating these situations and diaper changes and orthodonture and so on. So the first thing I’m pointing out is that it is hard, and everyone is doing the best they can, and you will never please everyone, and that is very annoying, so take a minute with that.
…Okay! Ambitious parenting: awesome. Go for it. Ambitious trying to control behavior and actions of other adults, especially during month of December: folly. Do not attempt. I mean, I get it, but you’re getting ahead of yourself with some of this, I think. And I know that some people will not hear it, or will misunderstand it (sometimes on purpose), or will get offended by something else you didn’t even think of. It happens, it’s not the end of the world, and even if it were, there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it usually, so don’t waste your time trying.
So, make the wish list. Make it broad-ranging, and limit your additional comments, because the more rules you lay down for gift-givers, the more work it makes for you, both interpersonally and in terms of spending time and mental energy enforcing them. Phrase guidelines as positively as you can. “Child is really into ladybugs, robots, and stuff that folds up really cleverly and tinily!” is helpful. “Absolutely NO pricey things, plastic, videogames, blue toys, or [item someone will feel judged when you reject]” works less well. Include a few large or ambitiously priced items to let grandparents feel like they’ve really contributed. Mention that you welcome questions or ideas.
Then, once the list is made, you’ve done what you can do, so let it go. You should absolutely stick to your guns about the environment you want to provide for your child, and if a gift comes in that doesn’t fit into that, do what you need to do. But they are in fact your guns, not anyone else’s, and people do not want to have to read a manual before buying your kid a gift, because they…just don’t. These rules aren’t as important to anyone else as they are to you and your partner; it doesn’t make anyone “wrong.” It just is.
Draw up the list, and discuss with your partner how you’ll deal with presents that don’t fly, but don’t get years ahead of yourselves with it. If you have another kid and they double-team Nana for an Xbox in 2018, you’ll have that discussion in 2018 — or not. Maybe you’ll feel differently about it by then. Regardless, you don’t need to figure out a comprehensive policy that covers one to three further children and lasts until college right now.
And as far as dealing with “transgressors”? For starters, avoid adversarial language like that, that gets you fired up before anything even happens. They mean well, most of them, so go with that. You accept the gifts with cheery gratitude, you donate the ones you can’t work with, and in the interests of diplomacy and your blood pressure, that is all you do. The “in future, we’d appreciate” speech you’ve got rehearsed is going to blow up in your face no matter how you deliver it. Ixnay. Sincere thanks, donation, next.
I think there are a few areas in the larger situation here where you can make less work and aggro for yourself, without relaxing your principles. If you can’t control it, try not to let it control you by getting anxious about it.
Tags: etiquette happy hellidays kids the fam
Just want to point out that “plastic crap” doesn’t stifle imagination by merely existing. My son once got a dollar-store weird he-man-like knockoff from a playgroup he attended (which I might have considered chucking into a to-donate box, but didn’t). I came up on him making it dance and say “I want to be a ballerina! I want to be a ballerina!” Use the books, art materials, and musical instruments *with* the kid, rotate the “crap” you have to keep so it doesn’t become wallpaper, and the imagination will grow.
One thing that we’ve found helpful without being judgmental is to emphasize how small our house is (especially with the 70-pound mutt in addition to the toddler tornado). It’s something that people then take into consideration. Even those most aware of your preferences, however, will sometimes get that talking Elmo doll or the 4 x 6 playhouse (for inside). Then, as above, be gracious and move on (luckily, kids have a very short attention span at this age, so…). Also, as a parent, you’re going to have to be flexible on some things, and this is probably going to be one of them.
As the mom of a 5- and 3-year-old, I have been in Cindy Lou’s shoes and I think Sars’ advice is spot on. I used to get so worked up about what my kids’ received as gifts that I felt were inappropriate. In particular, they have one compulsive shopper grandma who has been known to duplicate gifts she has already given because the sheer volume is such that even she can’t keep track of everything. I’ve finally gotten to the place where I do what I can to guide the gift giving and then let it go and enjoy the birthday or the holiday.
I send out a wish list that starts with a reminder that college funds and books are always welcome and then I list some items the kids have picked out themselves and some generally size and interest guidelines. I wrap up with a quick reminder that gift receipts are always helpful in case of duplicates or necessary size adjustments. Then I’m done worrying about it. After the holiday, anything inappropriate or in excess gets tucked away in the basement and donated to Toys for Tots the next year.
One more thing to remember is that besides being unable to control gift-givers, there is also going to come a point in the very near future when you aren’t going to be able to control every influence in your child’s life. She will go off to kindergarten and come home knowing all sorts of unsavory things. Do what you can to model your values at home, but part of kids’ growing up is testing boundaries and learning what’s important to them.
My family somehow (I don’t recall exactly how) drilled it into me pretty young that I could only own a finite amount of stuff, and that if I had too much stuff, my mom and I would go through and choose which things we’d donate to kids who didn’t have fun toys and cute clothes. (My mom always played up how much they’d appreciate my gently-used stuff.) On a few post-holiday occasions, I was explicitly given choices like, “No little girl needs more than three dolls at a time, so let’s pick one of these dolls–it can be the new one or one of the old ones–to give to some little girl who might not have any dolls at all.” These conversations helped me develop generosity, minimalist tendencies, and (much later) a great appreciation for how smart my mother was. Also, she made it known to me and to all the relatives that one thing I could have as many of as I wanted was books. I recall her being pretty matter-of-fact about it: “We don’t have a lot of space for toys, so we donate a lot of them to other kids and just keep a few that are Clover’s favorites. She loves books, though, and we have plenty of space on the bookshelf.” Another lesson from Mom: When someone gives you a gift, the only thing you have to do is send a thank-you note. You don’t have to like it, play with it, or keep it.
Cindy: I feel like we kind of covered this in the 11/23 Vine, so comments from there might help. I am a parent, and I deal with this. First? RELAX. Please. I get wanting to plan ahead, but Sars is right, you cannot control other people’s behavior, so don’t try. People are going to buy your kids a bunch of plastic shit you’ll have to give away. Accept it.
The good news is that giving it away is not as hard as you think. While your kid is less than five, she might go apeshit over a certain awful present, but she’s five, and she’ll forget about it as soon as new Shiny Thing comes her way. You stow the awful toy when she’s distracted, put in a non-transparent closed bag during nap time, and donate it.
And this is a great learning opportunity, too. Once she’s older than five, you can still do the above with certain things; AND you get to teach her about generosity and graciousness through your actions when she sees you weeding out the stuff. She’ll see you practice your values of non-consumerism (unconsumerism? hm) in donating what you don’t need, the type of stuff you decide isn’t valuable (i.e. things that just make noise instead of toys that teach or promote creativity), the value of donating itself (“Hey! There are other kids in the world who don’t have tons of stuff! Wow.”), and how to handle self-centered dingbats graciously. From that perspective, you really can’t lose.
But you can’t control all of your daughter’s behavior either. She WILL throw a tantrum over not being able to keep Shiny New Thing at some point. You will not be able to prevent it; and yes, there will be dickheads around when it happens who will tsk and sput and say it’s because you’re not a good parent. Fuck them; you are; your kid is normal; the tantrum is maybe half an hour of your life, as hard as it is to get through at the time; shit happens; your kid loves you like crazy; you will forget all about it as life goes on. I know it can be hard. What helps me is a sort of eyes-on-the-prize thing: get your head out of the moment and think ahead toward two hours from now, when we’ll be back at the nice quiet hotel; two days from now, when Daughter is sleeping and we can pack all that shit up for the Salvation Army; a month from now, when we’re back in the swing of work/daycare/what have you. It doesn’t always work, but it’s at least one strategy.
Cindy, I just want to send to you a warm virtual hug. I quit Christmas 6 years ago, to the dismay of my family and for reasons similar to what you are describing here plus “coming out” to my family as an atheist. I’m currently trying to get pregnant and I know this is going to make Christmas even more complicated.
My parents had definite ideas about good presents. And we had relatives who also had definite, but different ideas about presents (I’m looking at you, uncle who gave me a hamster for Christmas! And pierced earrings before my ears were pierced!) We got to keep the gifts, because: gifts. And I got my ears pierced early due to an excellent argument about how RUDE it would be not to use a GIFT for YEARS. I do think mom had a conversation about live gifts after the hamster, but mostly she just cringed when their box showed up and crossed her fingers that whatever was inside wasn’t too offensive. Other people will have different ideas about appropriate gifts. There’s not much you can do about it, and its better to accept it gracefully than to teach the kiddos that you get to dictate what other people give as gifts.
Enlist a third party as a go-between! Surely there is SOMEONE that can talk to the grandparents, even if it’s your sister, all “Cindy is awfully choosy, no? I’m going to get Kid these blocks that were hand-painted with unicorn tears by free-range fair-trade gnomes! What are you planning to get?”
Seriously – have someone else be the go-between and paint you as [eyeroll] “that mom” and your work is done. They’re probably going to think you’re some kind of hippie anyway, so lay that groundwork and you are more likely to get the sorts of things you want Kid to have.
Unless you’re in MY family, which means you have the best hand-made Waldorf hippie ideals in mind and Grandma shows up with… a Bratz doll. Which “mysteriously” disappeared one day during naptime!
When Kid is wee, he/she won’t have the faintest idea where things disappear to, and you can even hide some of the Xmas haul and dole it out later on. My own Kid is now 5 and things are getting tougher but it’s manageable. I have a very active Freecycle list, which helps.
Holidays are crazy times. Don’t make them worse.
Some of this (much of this?) will wind up being in the parenting. We are somewhat as ambitious as you (we have a son who loves toys – the bleepier and lighting-uppier the better, so we have more than we perhaps would prefer on that score, alongside the squillion imaginative-play/wooden/organic whathaveyous that he does not prefer, not by a long shot) – we keep any marketed/marketing-style toys to a bare minimum (no Cars 2 toys, no tv toys) and his screen time is extremely limited. We also have at least one family member who likes to stop at Wal-Mart on the way to visit us and buy whatever tickles his fancy (examples: guns, for the two-year-old, toy video game.) We are not going to change him. It has been tried. So, our tactic is to be very honest with our son. He’s going to see this stuff. He already does see it – he’s four, and in a Montessori school that forbids “characters” on clothing or equipment, and he still sees it. So we tell him the truth. We tell him we don’t like guns (“shooters”) because they are for hurting and killing (three-year-olds and four-year-olds are both very curious about and somewhat baffled by the concept of death, and we discuss it – we’re a very frank family.) We took the video game away from him shortly after the Family Member visited and told our son that it was because he became a zombie when he was playing it (true.) We tell him that too much television is bad for his brains and thinking parts.
My point is – it’s better to develop ideas and strategies about how you’re going to parent AROUND and THROUGH this morass of garbage, rather than how you’re going to parent AWAY from it, or parent other people away from it.
And yup, Amazon wishlists work wonders. I have a few family members that can’t quite stand the idea that they have to choose from a general list that EVERYBODY has to pick from – for one, I create a special list with special things on it that only she has access to, and for the other, I give her specific categories and ideas but leave it up to her. Mostly this works out great.
An additional note vis-a-vis holding the line with future/more kids: my parents had a lot of ambitious, strict rules for me that, once Mr. S hit pre-K, got chucked. My TV was limited; his wasn’t. I lived through the “frozen fruit juice is as good as ice cream” era; he didn’t. It isn’t inevitable, but it does happen, and the “inconsistency” isn’t that big a deal in the grand scheme, I don’t think, because the fact is, siblings — even twins — aren’t different-sized replicae of one another. Be willing to call an audible and feel good about it, I would say.
@Andrea: Heh. I still think my mother only let me get my ears pierced when she did because my grandmother thought it was trashy.
If you really don’t want strained family relations, let it go. In my kids’ early years we quietly disappeared the toys we didn’t like, but after the age of 3 or so, even that battle was lost because the kids remembered all the toys they’d gotten. Over the years my kids have gotten toys I never would have bought for them and they have LOVED them. It was an eye-opening experience, actually, as was what happened when they started preschool and then elementary school. It made me realize you can’t raise your children in a bubble. They will be exposed to tons of influences you can’t control, so focus on what you can control and let the rest of it go.
Keep in mind that there are two sides to gift-giving, the giving and receiving. (Don’t worry, this isn’t some warm-hearted Christmas PSA.) I don’t have kids, but I have seven nieces and nephews with a player to be named later. I love shopping for their birthdays and Christmas because I love trying to find things I think they’ll really enjoy. The people giving your child presents, no matter how “inappropriate” you think those presents are, are trying to do something nice. Part of the fun of having kids in the family is getting to spoil them a little. I mean, I’m not going to buy my nieces and nephews iPads (no matter how much my brother insists his 15-month-old wants one), but I’m going to put some thought into their gifts. And if I found out their parents thought the presents were “inappropriate,” I’d feel hurt.
I empathize with you! The children I nanny have a playroom, and each wall it lined with baskets, tables, and toyboxes that are all full to brimming. A good portion of it IS for imaginative play, but they prefer the toys that make loud noises for them, or that do stuff on their own rather than having the child control the action. The oldest is 5, the youngest 3, and they each have their own handheld game system. They play Wii games like pros and they know how to use their dad’s tablet better than I do. These kids don’t know how to PLAY,though. They have this room full of toys, but if something requires thought or imagination, they don’t know what to do! Their mom bought the 5 year old an ipad for christmas, and I know kiddo’s just going to be glued to it
I feel Cindy’s pain. My daughter is lucky enough to be the only grandchild on one side, has a passel of aunts on the other side, and three sets of grandparents. One year, one set of grandparents sent so many presents that we ended up setting aside a lot of what we’d picked out for her to wait until her birthday. So, you know, that’s one option right there.
Especially at a young age, they don’t notice much if things disappear, and choosing things to give away can provide good life lessons.
I would say that if there is anything that is given that you just object to on principle, you can pull the giver aside and politely explain how, though you appreciate their generosity, you and partner have decided not to do x,y,z with child. But you *must* pick your battles here and decide what is worth a potential rift, and if it’s ‘everything plastic’, you’re begging for trouble.
I just piped up about this on the 11/23 Vine, but I do have more to add. Our toddler son gets “spoiled” by our parents and siblings (he’s currently the only grandchild/nephew/member of his generation). So much so that my husband and I can count on two hands toys and clothes we’ve actually bought him ourselves (two outfits, five toys, in case you were wondering). As I mentioned in the 11/23 Vine, the family’s day-to-day impulse control with our son sucks. If they’re with him and he sees something he wants, they get it for him. It doesn’t matter how off-limits or inappropriate that particular item might be, they buy it. And, as I mentioned, my husband and I then have the unenviable task of making said items vanish during the next nap.
That said, when it comes to holidays, the family is actually pretty great about thinking ahead, respecting our wishes, respecting our limited space, and coordinating to make sure there is no overlap. At their request, we do an Amazon wishlist every year, with comments explaining that it doesn’t have to be these specific items, but something along these guidelines. This year, I did a “favorite sellers” on Etsy, too. We also include his sizes, and stress what clothing items he needs (in a family full of fashionista-wannabes, clothes are considered a “fun” gift at any age).
It’s not perfect. Last year, in addition to some lovely wooden blocks, my brother also felt the need to get his 18 month-old nephew a toy replica of Thor’s hammer. Yes, from the movie. No, the 18 month-old didn’t know who Thor was. It’s currently sitting on a shelf in his closet.
So you can’t win ’em all, but you can make it manageable. Good luck!
As a long-time nanny, aunt, and gift-giver to children, here’s what I’ve learned:
1 – The cheap junk often breaks fast and you can just throw it out when the kid’s not looking.
2 – Your child will get bored with things eventually and you can get rid of those things, especially when the new wave of things comes in.
3 – Cut your family some slack. If you emphasize reading, creativity, and imagination on a full-time basis, some well-meaning person who gives your kid a Wii is not going to completely undermine that.
4 – Have rules for toys that you believe are outside your scope of “acceptability.” IE, if someone gives your child a Wii, emphasize games that feature fun activities you can all enjoy; schedule time to play those games, and use them as a reward for things like doing homework, getting chores done, etc. It can be a fun activity, but it’s addictive and shouldn’t be the focus of their activities.
5 – There’s nothing wrong with emphasizing (gently) that you’d prefer things on your gift list (educational toys, books, art supplies, or even college fund donations). I have a friend who actually says straight out, “We’re saving for our daughter’s college fund! She doesn’t need toys – she needs to go to college!”
6 – Don’t overthink it. You’ll make yourself crazy. People give things to your child because they love you and your child. Enjoy the love behind it and worry about what to do with it later.
You’re so fortunate to have “too much”! There are just so many people who don’t have enough out there, especially in this economy. You can always donate some of that “too much” to them in the end!
As the mom of 5-month-old twins flying home to see my family and friends for the first time since the boys were born, I appreciate all of this great advice. Flying makes a big difference,because there is only so much baggage allowance and we will be using practically all of it on just the necessary day-to-day stuff, nevermind gifts. People seem to get this. I have been trying to convince my parents that I would rather they save the money to use on airfare to come visit more often, but my father won’t hear of it. Sigh.
My brother and sister-in-law casually mentioned in early November that they were getting my 18-month old niece a book, a toy, and an article of clothing for Christmas and we got the hint. (Granted, I cheated and bought an outfit instead of a single piece of clothing – but I think that is reasonable since as an only child with no cousins in the same age range she can’t keep clothing for more than a season really)
I don’t know if it is an option, but could some of the items that you don’t prefer be left at the grandparents house? If grandma gives the Nintendo DS, could it be a toy that Child gets to use only at grandma’s? (My 66 year old mother loves her DS, she does puzzle games and word searches). As other commentors have noted, you won’t be raising your child in a bubble, but this way you can limit the exposure to non-preferred play things rather than exhausting yourself trying to completely avoid them.
A note about books: my family LOVES books. All my nieces and nephews and my kids LOVE books. No one ever gifts books to the kids, though, not since they were little bitty and we knew the bookcases were fairly empty.
Why? Because between the bookshelves, the libraries, the hand-me-downs, no one ever knows what books the kids already have / love / don’t love.
So people, please, if you want your child to get lots of books (and why wouldn’t you?), put SPECIFIC titles on your wish lists! It helps enormously.
Cindy – a wishlist full of non-electronic, non-plastic, non-natural fiber toys & clothes, etc., will get the idea across to a lot of people. And maybe even influence others. My now-19 year old niece (happy birthday to her!) was the trendsetter for a whole host of cousins-to-come who wore only cotton clothes and played with only wooden puzzles.
Another thing that helped was seeing sis-in-law arrive for holiday visits with us after seeing her side of the family, and driving her to Goodwill to donate a bunch of the plastic crap her kid had just received. Didn’t hurt my feelings personally, but made me super-aware of what kinds of things (hint: NOT Barbie!) her 2 year old would be keeping to play with. So maybe a little subterfuge of that type can be useful to you.
Two important things I’ve learned that I can often be heard muttering to myself:
You don’t have to decide the rest of your life right this second. (my shrink)
You can’t change other people’s behaviour, you can only change your response to it. (Sars – thanks Sars!)
I really like Amanda’s wishlist suggestions and Clover’s family’s approach, and I think those might be good tactics to try. By combining them, you’ll be able to let people know what kind of gifts you’d like them to give AND be able to turn ‘undesirable’ gifts – and the giving up thereof – into a positive experience for you and your child, rather than something that’s going to inevitably make smoke come out of your ears every birthday and holiday. Because remember, even if you do manage to make your family fall into line, god help you when your child starts having birthday parties with friends. There’s no graceful way to tell the friends’ parents, many of whom you might not know, that you have an extensive list of gift requirements. And this is where the ‘not having to decide the rest of your life right this second’ comes in: there are times when it’s okay (and sometimes necessary) to change the rules to suit the situation.
Clover’s mom’s method also taught her to show gratitude, which I reckon is a critical piece of this puzzle: when someone gives you a gift with good feelings behind it, you need to recognise those good feelings. Yeah, you’ve done the work to make your guidelines clear, and that can be frustrating in the ‘Why won’t they bloody well listen?!’ way. But maybe try stepping back, taking a deep breath and remembering that givers get excited about the gifts too, and that’s because they care about you and your family, even if they don’t show it in the way you’d most like. From there, you can turn it into a great opportunity to teach your child that it’s the thought that counts, and then about sharing those gifts with other, less-fortunate children.
Good luck in the holiday scrum! :)
“I’m going to get Kid these blocks that were hand-painted with unicorn tears by free-range fair-trade gnomes! What are you planning to get?”
OMG – funniest thing I have read in ages.
I hope Cindy Lou is picking up on the common threads here, which are “let it go” and “let it go”. Seriously, it’s great to want to be a responsible parent, and there’s a lot of tacky stuff out there that you wish just didn’t even exist. But: you can’t control the world; and you can’t control your kids. Well, you can stop them from playing in the street, duh, but you can’t control what they will like, and to a great degree, once they’re in school, what they will be exposed to.
Model (and talk about) your values, make sure they have access to the “good” toys even if you’re the one who has to buy them, and quietly “disappear” the stuff you hate – BUT – if your kid loves it, make some exceptions. Like others have mentioned, my kids developed bizarre attachments to toys I would have put straight in the donation box, and those toys got played with A LOT – in ways that were probably not intended. Heh.
I’ll echo a previous comment. When I buy presents, I really am trying to get something the kid and the family will love. I am guessing your family is doing the same thing. I would be slightly irritated if I was handed an Amazon wishlist for anyone. What I do (and I am guessing your family does) is put gift receipts on anything and don’t care if they are exchanged.
Don’t overthink any of this. Accept the platic crap with a sincere thanks and then either get rid of it or keep it. This isn’t rocket science.
For her son’s first birthday, a friend of mine stated on the invitations that “gifts aren’t necessary, but if you wish to make a donation to Toys for Tots, we’ll collect at the party”. Those closer to her son (grandparents, etc) still got him presents, but most people brought gifts to be donated. This obviously won’t work for all occasions and instances, but I thought it was a clever way to deal with a first birthday party.
@Mel – my sister-in-law uses Library Thing (http://www.librarything.com/) to let family/friends know what books my niece already has.
The thing that leapt out at me from the letter was all the fretting about decades from now. Cindy, by the time Child is in college, there will be brain implants to plug toys into! In other words, there’s plenty of time to be miserable when misery actually befalls; there’s no point in wasting time being miserable beforehand.
Miss Manners had a column the other day that emphasized “the presumption of good will”, which I think is lovely. Presume the givers all mean well (even if you’re sure they don’t, heh) and move on.
As a fellow mother entering the Christmas season with an eighteen month old, tons of family, and a similar idea about child-rearing, I too appreciate both your question and all the comments. I completely agree with everybody who has said you just have to parent THROUGH it more than anything.
The only suggestion I wanted to add was something you can ask for that isn’t going to fill up your house but is also more fun than a college fund: Memberships and tickets. A membership to the zoo, the Children’s Museum, whatever’s in your area: fun, functional, educational, non-consumerist, and in the right price range for a lot of family gift-givers. It’s what I’m “putting out there” this year…
I gotta say that I totally disagree with the folks who say “let it go.” What this mom is trying to accomplish is to raise a non-consumerist child in a completely consumer-oriented society. Man, I WISH I had stuck to my guns when my daughter was little. It is way easier to redirect them when they are small than it is once they can walk and talk and go to friends’ houses. If you don’t establish the foundation before you build the house, anything that you try later is going to have a hard time staying solid. I’ve learned that the hard way and will always be a bit sad that my kid won’t ever look at a set of wooden blocks that her great grandfather made with the same sense of wonder and ideas that me and my siblings did. That’s a goal worth sticking to! Good for Cindy Lou Who!
@Mel
“Why? Because between the bookshelves, the libraries, the hand-me-downs, no one ever knows what books the kids already have / love / don’t love.”
I agree with this but just want to add that in this day and age books that I may find appropriate may not be appropriate in the parents eyes. I mean I was reading IT when I was in fifth or sixth grade but most parents would probably freak out about it if I gave it to their kid. The same applies to younger age books like Harry Potter. I think that’s another one of the reasons that people stopped giving books.
(Oh, and I also highly second the leaving-some-things-at-Grandma’s if that’s an option. My sister in law has a six year old who is, despite their very best efforts, completely obsessed with anything electronic. The child will sit for hours in the corner with an old cellphone just changing menus and adding contacts if allowed. They don’t want him disappearing completely into technologyland, so: Grandma’s. It helps naturally limit him, but he does get to have some of his most-beloved activity. Works out pretty well for everyone.)
Sorry, I can’t stop talking, apparently. I ALSO want to heartily agree with whoever commented that if your child’s life is filled with healthy, engaging, creative activities, there’s no way that a little exposure to plastic crap from China and even video games is going to “ruin” that. It’s the lack of balance and limits that creates the monsters, not the crap and games themselves.
Thanks all! I’d sent my letter awhile back and was surprised to see it today since we did cover this pretty well last week. I appreciate the suggestions and the support. It IS daunting and so easy to get ahead of one’s self. I’m especially grateful for the reminder that what I model is what is important and that parenting “through” vs. “against” is the skill I’m working on. Since I wrote this, we decided on the three basic suggestions I’d mentioned and a link to the Amazon wish list (which is full of books).
I’ve also had some time to think. It’s a smaller issue than it felt like post-birthday, but there’s a bit of “Oh, your mom’s so mean – I bet you never get Bratz dolls!” going on with one particular relative who is ready, seriously, to buy this child her first Coach bag, and in reality, I think I’m less fearful of her not picking up the joys of reading and imagination and more fearful of “She’s a girl, so she must live at the mall dressed in clothing that has ‘Princess’ on it in rhinestones.”
It’s just a scary undertaking, especially, maybe, with a daughter, and I want SO badly to do a good job – to be fair, to let her be loved by as many people as possible as much as possible, to impart at least a little sense of social responsibility, and to let her kind of figure out who she is on her own. Suppose learning to listen to your own voice is part of growing up – hope it doesn’t take her as long as it took me! Thank you all again!
What Leigh said. As an adult, I’ve made it generally known that what I really love are perishable gifts (and that non-perishables are likely to be cheerfully re-gifted once the thank-you notes are in the mail). Gifts I can watch, attend, learn from, eat, drink, etc., are the best kind. I’m trying to give perishable gifts to my stepkids, too. Lessons, experiences, and special outings are what they generally get from me for holidays. They think it’s weird, but I’m trying to raise them to be the kind of people who will understand when they’re older. (One material gift I gave them is a wall map of the world with pins to stick in the places they’ve been. That way, when we travel somewhere new, I’m “giving” them a new pin for the map, which they like.)
If you don’t establish the foundation before you build the house, anything that you try later is going to have a hard time staying solid.
That’s a fair point — but I also think that approaching these situations too rigidly sets parents up for failure, and makes everyone feel deprived or wimpy or otherwise like they’re Doing It Wrong. If you don’t let “it” go entirely, but let a few things go along the way, I think it saves everyone a lot of misery.
Remember, too, you’re raising the child IN the consumer-oriented society. Unless you want to subtract your entire family from the culture the way most of the rest of it experience it — and that’s a point of view, I guess — you have to acknowledge that it’s out there and that it wants in. Not that it should get in; you just can’t be naive about, say, how your no-TV-allowed kid is going to deal socially with not getting to watch Mork & Mindy like EVERYONE ELSE IN HER CLASS. (My parents bent on that one in the end.)
Ideals are great, and important. Perfection, however, is not realistic.
Ok, so we are, to an extent, similar in our choices of child-rearing. I have resolved some of it by making a lengthy list of lovely 10% toys (90% imagination/learning and 10% toy) and books. We are lucky to have family members that are mostly supportive of the decision and interested in hearing what we thing little one will like.
However, we are also interested in instilling in little one that grandmas (nanas, nonnies, etc.) and the like are special and give special gifts that they don’t get anywhere else. And special gifts have special limits to how and when they can be used. Also, the above are correct when they say they lose interest fast. Once interest seems on the wane, ship it out!
My family had a similar approach to Clover’s. A few times a year, or when my room got too messy, my mom would sit down with me and (shifting more of the responsibility and decision-making onto me as I got older) separate my toys, clothes, and other junk into “throw away, give away, keep.” That others would appreciate the things I gave away was emphasized. Not having the things you want is something a child raised in a consumerist culture can definitely understand! I feel like it was good for me to learn early that (1) small sacrifices on my part can make a big difference for others and (2) reducing the amount of stuff you have can ultimately feel good, because you have a nice, clean room full of things you really care about instead of an undifferentiated morass of crap.
That said, I was way into stuff and I loved presents, and I definitely would have noticed if toys “disappeared” once I was about four. My mom had specific rules, which I knew, about what my parents would get for me (no guns, nothing with licensed characters, etc.), but I could choose to keep anything I got as a present or bought with my own money (once I had an allowance). I remember my mom disapproving of toys that I’d saved up for, but she didn’t stop me. I guess she figured saving up for a goal and then achieving it was lesson enough, and I have a very specific memory of being disappointed with a toy because it turned out not to be worth the money I’d spent. A lesson I would not have learned had my mother insisted I only buy worthwhile stuff. :)
I loved playing with toy guns and swords, though, most of which had been gifted to my brother. You can’t win ’em all.
Ahhh, parenting. So glad I avoided you.
But my sister didn’t, she’s got three, and she’s admirably clear (due to having three, which will wrench your eyes open like nothing else) that kids like what they like, and while you are in charge of what’s dangerous/wrong/hurtful, there’s no point in pretending that they like what they don’t like.
Her oldest is a girly girl who’s into purple, pink, ballerinas and Barbies. There’s no use pretending she wants Legos and clay, she doesn’t. She’ll play with them during supervised playtime, but those things are not what she reaches for spontaneously, and Sis accepts that. When I call her to ask “So, what can you bear to have in your house until the next purge?” she’s on the right page. Last year I got her a little washable-silk reversable pink/purple ballerina tutu thingy and apparently she hasn’t taken it off since unwrapping it (COOL AUNT SCORE! BOOYAH!)
So, yes, you’re in charge of what goes in and out, but not of your kid’s personality. She’ll grow, change, have favorites and crazes, and one old ratty stuffed animal that will stay by her side through college and beyond, but you’re no in charge of those parts, so don’t try to take that job and make yourself nuts. Exert authority where appropriate and necessary in your home, do your duty as gatekeeper, and enjoy the person forming under your care.
Cindy — your comment made me realize another thing: your daughter will pick up more on your opinions than the relatives’, I think. At least, that’s my experience. I’m willing to bet into three figures that you will get to relish the same joy I did last week when my eight-year-old-son reacted to a Bratz commercial by yelling “BRATZ DOLLS SUCK!!”
{The coda to that, of course, being: “Now, we do not use that word in our house. You should say that it “eats a bowl of bees” instead.” “OKAY, MOMMY!”}
Oh, Sars. You have no idea how your legacy will live on…..
Setting the anxiety over the Christmas bounty aside for a moment, we will be celebrating my son’s first birthday shortly after the holidays, and I have a related question to pose. I’ve informally polled my friends and the reaction is mixed — is it OK to write “no gifts please” on the invitation to his party? We really want to have a party to celebrate with our friends/family his first year of life and our first year as parents, feed people some beer and wine and yummy snacks, and call it a day. I wouldn’t really want a gaggle of gifts in any circumstance, due mainly to the aforementioned space/clutter/etc. concerns, but ESPECIALLY coming right on the heels of Christmas. But I worry about how the ‘no gifts’ instruction, in black and white, comes off. I personally have seen it many times on housewarming/kids birthdays/etc. invitations, and I never think anything of it, other than a mental note to bring some small (consumable) hostess gift instead, but I don’t want to offend. Thoughts please!!??
I’ve got two kids, 9 and 5. They have a Wii, a DS, and love to play with my iPad. They also spend hours on games that come purely from their imaginations; no screen or any other toy necessary. They get ideas from everywhere–the books they read, the shows they watch, and the stupid plastic toys.
It’s a balance, like anything else. And believe me, I have stewed over gifts they’ve both received, hidden things away, given stuff away. The values you give your kid about curiosity and engagement are the key here–not exactly what the plaything is that they’re interacting with.
Final thought–it feels so much better and more relaxed to be able to let some things slide.
@Cora: [snif!] I have to say, now that The Dread Lord Swear Jar is in full effect downstairs, various bee configurations have come in REALLY handy as swear replacements.
…but there’s a bit of “Oh, your mom’s so mean – I bet you never get Bratz dolls!” going on with one particular relative
Ouch. Pick the hill you want to die on, but if this were happening with me/my kid, I’d strongly consider taking said family member aside for a bit of a “please don’t tear me down to my son” talk. I know people say stuff like that off the cuff and don’t (necessarily) mean anything by it, but it’s just shitty to badmouth parents to their kids.
My son is still very small, and we’re heading into his first Christmas/Chanukah, so I have zero practical insight on holiday gifts to offer here. I anticipate a pretty crazy onslaught of toys from parts of our family, and my plan was to pick out a few things to play with now and put the rest away so that we can swap out new toys in a few weeks/months as he gets bored with the current stuff.
Re: social responsibility – a friend of mine who has three kids (ages 5-13ish) came up with a really lovely idea for this. Every Christmas, each kid’s stocking includes a small amount of money to be donated to a charity of the kid’s choosing (I think it’s somewhere between $10 and $25). The parents help each kid look for an organization/charity that does something that appeals to the kid and they donate the money in the kid’s name. All three kids are developing a love of charitable giving, and their parents get a kick out of seeing what issues appeal to each child.
As the aunt to two recent arrivals, and cousin/aunt to others, here’s the thing that kills me about the proscribed lists/desires. I was informed (via my mom) as to the specific stated desired types of clothes and gifts for the twins. We stuck to them, and sent thing that we thought were appropriate and desired, and would fit into a small space. Believe me, we put some thought into them as well (not quite hand-painted or -spun by magical elves, but things we thought were practical, useful, pretty and/or warm and in some cases made or embellished ourselves. To see them in photos now wearing and using the items that we were informed were off the list (primarily plastic and large) is even more infuriating, esp. when told that x just loves it. Awesome. The lack of thanks from the gifts we sent are likewise infuriating, but that’s a rant for another time.
I agree wholehearedly with the idea that the things that you buy for your child can be within the guidelines that you set for yourself and the child. To inform others of them, to an extent is fine too, but not everyone will get it or want to participate in that way. So fully agreeing with the gritting teeth and donating/re-gifting of objects if you don’t want them. Possibly also the discreet lose of batteries for items that make noise. Hell, I do that now as an adult with the duplicate books or non-fitting items. A polite thank-you note, and you’re done.
“Ideals are great, and important. Perfection, however, is not realistic.”
Amen. There’s a balancing act that every parent negotiates between instilling your values and allowing your child to function as a member of his/her society–which is not the same as yours. You do you best to give your children the chance for creative, non-technological play, and then you sigh and let it go when they have an occasional Wii marathon with their buddies. As long as you’ve “raised ’em right” you have to trust that they’ll do the right thing. Most of the time, anyway.
And as for the rhinestones, don’t worry too much. When my first daughter was born, my girl-deprived mother-in-law went a little bonkers on the pink for a while. As your girl grows and develops her own personality, she’ll either embrace the shiny or reject it. (This coming from a crunchy-granola, cloth-diaper-using mama who personally can’t resist a sparkly!)
@Leigh–memberships to museums and zoos are our hands-down favorite gifts. And the gifter can use it to take out the giftee for some one-on-one time, too. Everyone wins!
If I may present a slightly different point of view with total respect to Cindy Lou’s choices? I promise, hear me out, I have a point!
My brother and I were TOTAL Wall-E children growing up – Nintendo games, TV, and video tapes were our bread and butter. Today my brother is out of med school and landed a residency at the Mayo Clinic after being told over and over again by professors that med students who reported playing video games as kids are handling all the computerized robotic surgical equipment with amazing dexterity compared to ones who didn’t. (My brother gleefully reports that giving a colonoscopy is “exactly” like playing a video game. I will take his word for it.) And I’m a successful writer and editor who was fascinated as a child by the stories I saw being told on the screen.
So since you’re concerned about the negative impact of consumerism, laziness, and plastic crap on your kids, I think we’re living proof that for the most part, the toys themselves don’t matter. What matters is that you as the parent foster creativity, critical thinking, and cooperativeness in your kid *regardless* of what they’re playing with (Dad used to get on the floor and play Mario with us; Mom would ask me what happened in my TV shows and we’d make up new episodes). Grandma hands the kids a Nintendo DS and you cringe? Consider saying, “That’s cool, what are you playing? Tell me about it. What do you have to do next?” They don’t turn into slack-jawed droolers unless you throw up your hands and walk away, and it doesn’t sound like you intend to do that.
And then remind yourself that the guy performing your next colonoscopy probably had a Game Boy too. ;)
Hee hee–a link on kottke.org today seems appropriate:
Oops! I screwed up the tags. Here’s the link–The 5 Best Toys of All Time: http://www.wired.com/geekdad/2011/01/the-5-best-toys-of-all-time/all/1
Cindy, I think you’re probably my favourite Vine letter-writer of all time. You sound like exactly the kind of person I would hope to see raising the next generation: thoughtful, rational, all that good stuff.
I don’t have kids of my own yet, but one thing I’ve seen from my screeds of friends and family who are parents is this: you can ‘ban’ TV, computer games, etc in a low-key way – it doesn’t have to be a big Political Statement. In other words, if one of the grandparents buy Child a Wii in the future, and you’ve taught Child how to enjoy and appreciate reading, playing in the garden, making potato prints, recruiting the cat to play Prince Charming in a new version of Sleeping Beauty, etc, then Child isn’t going to want to abandon all that and sit in front of a screen 24/7. And you can incorporate the occasional hour of playing on a Wii or whatever into their life, without their brains turning into mush.
I reckon that the absolute best way to prevent kids from turning into consumerist monsters is to do what my parents (and, I bet, most of my generations’ parents) did on a regular basis: say “no, you can’t have it: we can’t afford it/it’s a piece of rubbish/it’s a waste of money/you already have a teddy bear and don’t need another one”.
Since a Nintendo DS was specificly mentioned in the letter, I just want to point out something…video games, TVs, IPads, and other electronics are not inherently evil. Video games teach motor skills and hand/eye coordination. Since I was an uncoordinated, earth bound, 98 pound weakling who couldn’t have caught a ball if it had Elmer’s glue on it, my gym teacher ENCOURAGED my parents to get me a video game system. (Not that they listened, Cheapskates McBad Parents). There are many, many fine educational computer games and apps for children of almost any age, and I believe in today’s society kids can’t become familiar with a computer too early.
The key is to be the parent and set reasonable limits on content and time spent playing with the electronics, and make sure they also spend time reading, playing outside, and all that good stuff too. I believe there are relatively few toys that are inherently bad (though I cannot defend Bratz dolls).
As a proud real/fake aunt to 8 kids ranging in ages from 13 – 18 months, I have to say, it can be REALLY hard to find affordable “appropriate” things that match up with each of my friends personal parenting philosophy. My own personal philosophy is that I don’t like toys that make noise because kids make enough noise on their own. Even for my 18 month old nephew, it is INCREDIBLY difficult to find a fire truck or telephone or whatever that doesn’t come with its own sounds. I also don’t buy branded (Disney, Pixar, etc) merch, except for the San Francisco Giants.
Luckily, my friends have been very good about providing “buy this one toy and Child will love you” lists for Christmas. Everyone gets clothes for their birthday. That way I’m only adding to the toy/crap pile once a year and that gives my friends plenty of time to create their Aunt Jenn list to send me. I send gifts for these kids because I love them and I want them to be happy. I don’t have the privilege of seeing them very often and hope that my small token reminds them that “Aunt Jenn loves you and misses you!”
I realize that not everyone is like me and perhaps there are grandparents and aunts and uncles determined to clear out the Cars 2 shelf at Target, but their hearts are in the right place. We all just love your kid.
I’m going through something similar as we have 2-month old twins, and I’m of a similar mindset about “plastic crap”. My feeling is that you can set the rules around the stuff you really don’t care for: the loud plastic noisemaker doesn’t HAVE to get batteries in it, the DS can only be played after dinner/before bedtime, only as many toys as fit in the toybox, etc etc. You’re going to get things you don’t like eventually, but it’s not an affront to you or your parenting, just generosity on the part of the giver. I say, work around it.
@slices – You can put “no gifts” on the invitations, but be prepared to probably get some anyway. My SIL has taken to putting that on invitations for my nieces’ birthday parties, since they already have more than enough toys and clothes, but I hate going to a child’s party empty-handed. Usually I’ll get them stickers or bubbles or something small like that.