Okay, Girl meets Boy.Much happiness.Girl and Boy
cohabitate for years and years and years, eventually
going back to school to get their masters together.
(Awww.)They have some problems, but they get past
them eventually, with more happiness following.

One night, Boy doesn’t come home.Girl assumes Boy is
working late at College Computerlab, as Boy has a
paper due, and does not worry.Much time later, Girl
worries, because Computerlab isn’t open THAT late.
8:15 next morning after one hella sleepless night, and
Girl is trying to get ready for class while trying not
to stick an eyeliner in her eye out of panicked
nerves, and Boy calls.Boy tells Girl he was arrested
for getting into a fistfight with a transient.Boy
says he tried to call Girl, but as a collect call
wouldn’t go through to their phone, he was unable to.
Boy WAS able to call Lawyer in the morning, and Lawyer
sprung him.

Girl thinks the story is very suspicious.Girl can’t
shake the idea that she’s being lied to.One day
later Girl calls the jail that Boy said he was held
in.The jail has no record of Boy being there.Girl
checks very carefully. Nobody in the area has a record
of Boy being held there on that night.

Girl decides to ask Boy about it while things are calm
and pleasant. Boy is horrified that Girl would check
his story, but says he’s unsurprised.Boy says Girl
lives in the past, and cannot trust him the way he
trusts her.Boy says if anything ever destroys their
relationship, it will be Girl’s inability to get past
certain indiscretions he has made and trust him once
again.

Boy says the police must have misspelled his name.
End of discussion.

Quick question: Boy has another Girl on the side,
right?

Girl

Dear Girl,

Boy has, at the very least, problems with impulse control and taking responsibility for his actions.If Boy’s story isn’t true, he’s trying to turn that around on you; if it is true…hello, he beat up a transient.The fuck?

I infer from the phrase “get past certain indiscretions” that Boy has cheated on you before.I also infer that you had reason not to believe him over and above any past infidelities — he didn’t have any defense bruises or cuts on his knuckles, he didn’t smell like institutional air freshener, he never gets into fights and wouldn’t win them if he did, he gave juuuust a little too much supporting detail, et cetera.In any case, the story smells like bullshit to me, too, and if he’s not comfortable with you catching the same whiff, there’s probably a reason for that.

I’ve got a quickie grammar question about a letter in the September 10 Vine.

In your response to Saving For That Down Payment, you seem
to use the abbreviation “i.e.” to mean “for example.”I
thought i.e. meant “that is,” and a construction like yours
would instead use “e.g.”

On most sites I’d just consider it a mistake, but now I’m
doubting myself, since your grammar tends to be better than
mine.Have I really had this backward since high school,
or is it just a typo?

Brian

Dear Brian,

Dunno.I tend to use them interchangeably, although I sense that that’s incorrect (and, to tell you the truth, because I don’t know for sure how to punctuate “e.g.” properly.)Let’s find out, shall we?

The 11C has “i.e.” as “that is” (from the Latin id est), and “e.g.” as “for example” (exempli gratia), so it appears you’ve got it right.I guess, in the example you cite, that it’s not exactly incorrect for me to have used “that is” to introduce an example…but “e.g.” is more correct.

So, let me look up the correct punctuation for “e.g.” so that I can employ it properly in the future…okay.It takes a comma.Interestingly, according to Garner, so does “i.e.”It’s always looked weird and fussy to me, so I’ve never liked using “e.g.” for that reason, but since they both take commas…the hell with it.

You’re right, I’m wrong.Mark the time.Heh.

Dear Sars —

I’ve been reading for all of about three days now, love the site. I was ecstatic to hear you have an advice column, for I have a question that Dan Savage (local sex advice columnist down here) refuses to touch. Okay, here goes.

I am nineteen years old, and live in Baltimore. Every morning I wake up, and go out and jog for about an hour (bike courier, important to keep in shape), and when I come back I hop in the shower and get ready for my day. My girlfriend is usually up by this point, and will walk into the shower with me. Here’s where it starts to get sticky: most times, after my morning jog, either one of my balls hangs down a good inch or so from the other. This causes my dick to either curve to the left or the right. This doesn’t bother me, it’s been happening since puberty, and after a warm shower and a few hours I’m back to running the straight and narrow.

However, my girlfriend has made it a game of guessing, and even betting on which way it leans. She’ll come in and coo, “Ooh, which way today, Max?” or something like that, I can’t think of an exact quote now, but she really blows it way out of proportion. And it is starting to annoy me. It’s like all she talks about for about an hour every morning.

Is there something I can do to one of her breasts while she’s sleeping (besides putting a vacuum to it, tried that) that will make one of them sag further than the other? Y’know, maybe so she’d lighten up if I could put the shoe on the other foot? I’d really appreciate any advice you had on the situation.

Thanks,
Max

Dear Max,

Tell her it makes you self-conscious, and you wish she’d stop drawing attention to it because it’s annoying.

Dear Sars,

I’m having a bit of a problem and thought I’d turn to you, since you
always seem to be able to get to the heart of the issue when your fans
have troubles.

So I recently (at the beginning of this semester) got a part-time job
working in a research laboratory at my university. I’m an undergraduate
lab assistant, which basically means I do a lot of the little crappy
things that none of the grad students and researchers have time for.
It’s not glamorous, but I love the job anyway, and it will look great on
my résumé, so I’m not eager to make waves over something that might not
be worth mentioning to anyone.

Anyway, the problem is with my
sort-of-boss, who I will call “Mike.” Mike is basically just one or two
steps above me on the lab food chain — he helps out with a lot of the
same stuff that I do, but he has more responsibilities, one of which is
telling the undergrads what to do. Anyway, when I was hired (by the
professor in charge of the lab, not by Mike, he doesn’t have that kind
of power), Mike trained me to do my job, and now every day when I come
in for work he tells me what needs to be done that afternoon, and
sometimes he helps me do it. Because of this interaction, he was one of
the first people I got to know at work, and I made a serious effort to
be friendly with him and make a good impression. Well, apparently I did
make a good impression, because he feels comfortable enough around me to
make some fairly sketchy comments (some sexual innuendo, calling me
“honey” and “baby”, that sort of thing).

Now, before you just cry sexual harassment and send me to his
supervisor, hear me out. If we were just friends (and honestly, Mike is
a nice enough guy, I could see us being casual friends outside of work),
these sorts of things wouldn’t bother me at all. I joke around a lot
with people, male and female, about pretty much everything, and I’m
really hard to offend. And once after a particularly fresh remark, Mike
did ask if I was bothered by him saying stuff like that, and I said no.
I don’t feel like he’s harassing me. Also, we work in a really casual
environment — profanity in the workplace is tolerated, creative
profanity is encouraged, people tease each other a lot. Maybe Mike has
just been going with the flow of the work environment for a long time.

Though I don’t mind being called “baby” or whatever when I’m sure he’s
kidding and I did say as much to him, I wonder if I should say something
to Mike about these comments, for several reasons. One, I’ve never heard
him say this stuff to anyone else. I’m not sure if this is because I’m
cool with it and they’re not, or if it’s because I rarely see the two or
three other women in the lab and he doesn’t say flirty stuff to men, or
if his comments should actually be interpreted as him macking on me.
Two, if we do ever get more girls in the lab, I wouldn’t want him
to offend them by acting the same way around them, and I’m not sure if
he knows that his behavior is really on the sketchy side. I mean, he
started making his comments when I had just started to work with him,
and even now I don’t feel like I know him well enough to say much back
to him without it being rude. He sort of seems to lack social skills. I
think my other coworkers have noticed this, too.

Even if the skeeviest possible reason for his behavior was true (i.e.,
him macking on me) I wouldn’t be too freaked out. I wouldn’t date him
(we’re in the same age group and he’s not unattractive, but just dating
a coworker would give me the wig), but I wouldn’t run screaming from my
job just because he asked me out. But at the same time I feel the urge
to Say Something To Somebody, because honestly, shouldn’t he know better
than to pull weird crap like that right off the bat? Like, his jokes are
okay with me, but I’m irked that he just assumed that they would be.

What Would Sars Do?

Thanks for being so awesome,
Troubled in Test Tube Land

Dear Tube,

Mike has worked there longer than you have; presumably he’s always acted more or less the same way, and nobody has spoken to him about it or considered it a problem that you know of.You yourself don’t consider it a problem.So, it isn’t a problem — or, more to the point, it isn’t your problem.

It isn’t your job to protect Mike from himself.If a woman who works in the lab in the future finds his comments offensive, she’s capable of taking the appropriate action if she feels the need.

Sars,

Okay, three basic and somewhat related questions on not-dating (who knew I’d ever need advice on turning guys down):

First, I have a lot of guy friends, always have. It’s not so much the “I’m hot so guys flock to me and I can’t choose just one” situation as it is the “I’m athletic and chill and like to play pool and drink beer” set-up. And I guess my guy friends multiply off each other.

Anyways. It’s not unusual for me to hang out with just one of these guy friends at a time. My roommate’s a guy, he and I hang out just-the-two-of-us all the time. Unfortunately, on more than one occasion, a guy-pal will develop a little romantic interest when I’m not feeling him that way. I draw this line pretty clear in my head: we can hang out all the time, but I’m not going to accidentally slip and stick my tongue down his throat, so I feel pretty strongly that 1) there’s a big ol’ walled border between friendship and romance that I’m not going to cross even accidentally; and 2) I’m not giving any hints to the otherwise.

However, the crush-guys don’t always get this, and seem to think that since we spend so much time together, it’s “going somewhere.” And I guess it’s okay for them to think that, if they’re not taking the hints, but I feel like Queen Bitch when we hang out as friends and all of a sudden he insists on paying for stuff, and I know for certain that there’s no romantic chance. Any suggestions on how to perform a preemptive break-up without looking horribly presumptuous? “Yeah, I just wanted to tell you that there’s no chance for smooches here, just in case you were wondering.” Ick.

Second. I do the internet personals thing, with little success. Three or four emails usually don’t reveal horrible conflicts in chemistry, but by that point I’ve already said, “Hey, you seem interesting enough.” A phone call or two, a first date, and I’m usually convinced that this guy is not the guy for me. Again, what’s the protocol? “Yeah, I’ve decided you’re not interesting enough.” I tend to do the brush-off, but that feels icky, too, especially when there’s an established email conversation before anything else. “I’ve decided we should just be email-friends”? I’m not really an internet conversationalist, so the whole online relationship isn’t going to fly, anyway. And what if I do really just want to be friends, when the whole personals set-up implies dating? What to say then?

This all leads me to my last question: *Sigh* I met a specific internet personals guy a few weeks ago and, as usual, I’d figured after telephone conversations (and after he called me four times in two days) that he wasn’t my thing. Still, I couldn’t think of a good reason why I shouldn’t just meet him for some pool and beer (that’s a problem right there). Of course, he wasn’t my thing, I was decidedly not attracted to him, but he was nice enough and we got along pretty well, and I did have a good time. And he insisted on paying (I do offer, by the way, but I get shut down). I appreciated it; I did have fun.

The next day, he emailed me and apologized for just shaking my hand; he was nervous and didn’t know what to do. Well, the handshake was very much in accordance with my plans, so whatever. I also got an email from his ROOMMATE saying it was awfully nice of me to give the guy a chance. Two weeks ago — Date Guy took me to a quick dinner (let me pay for the tip, at least), and I gave him another handshake good night. At that point he had started to grate on me a tad (plus I again felt guilty over the whole money thing), so I didn’t mind that I didn’t hear from him for two weeks. But last night? Got another email from the Roommate saying that Date Guy seemed bummed and didn’t understand why I shook his hand. They both thought that we had a lot in common, so why weren’t things “working out”?

I’m at a loss here, and I ask again: Am I being unclear in my not making out? Does hanging out actually imply attraction? Do I have to throw money at a guy so he doesn’t assume I’m putting out in exchange for dinner? Do four emails, a phone call, and a first date require a break-up? I’m totally not used to having to ward off suitors. Help!

Signed,
Coupling-Confused Karma

Dear CC,

If a guy wants to assume or infer or whatever from the fact that the two of you hang out…it’s kind of his problem.Assume…”ass”…”U and ME”…yeah.Not that I don’t feel for folks in that situation, but I don’t think you have a responsibility to pre-empt a guy from crushing on you.

You do have to show compassion for people, though, and if you think the guy in question is getting bigger ideas that you don’t share, you might consider sitting him down and explaining that, hey, maybe you misinterpreted his behavior, but you get the feeling he’s starting to think of you That Way, and you like him a lot, but it’s going to stay Just Friends between you and it’s not negotiable and you hope he’s okay with that.

Same goes for the internet dates.I had to tell a couple of guys that I liked them, but only in a friendly way — and if they wanted to hang out again, as friends, great, but I would understand if that didn’t fit with the way they used the internet personals, no hard feelings.You don’t have to say it rudely, but if the guy is still calling and you know there’s no hope, he needs to hear that.He should hear it pleasantly and concisely — don’t make up a bunch of excuses; it’s patronizing — but he should hear it.

He should also do his own heavy lifting and not conscript his damn roommates into matchmaking for him, and you should feel free to point that out to his roommate, who needs to butt the hell out.What is this, the sixth grade?If he’s bummed, he can say so himself.It’s called “a phone.”Pick one up and find out what’s going on for yourself, Casanova.God.

[11/5/03]

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