Dear Sars:

Can you help me find a couple of programs to which I can donate some books?
They’re in good condition, but eclectic in topic, to say the least. Most of
the programs I’ve seen want you to donate money so that they can buy books.
I have no problem with that, but what I really want to do is get rid of
some of my stuff in a way that might benefit someone else.

Thanks for any assistance you can give —
Pack Rat

Dear Pack,

Googling “donate used books” should turn up an organization in your area; I found ton of different resources with that search, including organizations accepting children’s books, textbooks only, and so on.So, try that.

You might also phone up your local schools and see if their libraries could use any of your texts.Books in good condition would make a great donation to a public school, or to a hospital waiting room, so call around and see who could use some books.

And while I’m up…folks, Pamie’s book drive inspired the TN contest by kicking several acres of ass, and it might behoove you to phone up the free public library where you are, or your kids’ school, and ask the librarian to start an Amazon.com wishlist if they haven’t already got one.

Also: bookcrossing.com is a fun sociological/reading experiment; try that.

Dear Sars,

I was reading your reply to J [Nov. 3] about how to get involved. My question is, what do you do when you’ve tried to get involved but have been beaten down?

For example, remember when the 9th Circuit Court banned the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools because of the phrase “under God” and several congresspeople (spearheaded by none other than my own state’s Dick Lugar) drafted a resolution to mandate “under God” in the pledge? Well, I felt strongly about it (still do, in fact) and called each of my state reps, emailed, and even sent letters to them expressing my concern about the resolution, offering a different solution (akin to making the pledge voluntary and prior to official school hours — as they do with school prayer), and basically letting them know that as their constituent, I was unhappy.

When I phoned, I was told to leave a voicemail message to the “Voter’s Concern” voicemail of each of my state reps (the hell?). When I attempted to reach a human, I was passed along from one assistant to another to a page to finally, you guessed it, the voicemail. How exactly do you people actually get to TALK to your reps, anyway? The emails garnered no reply at all. But the letters, ah, the letters. For each letter I sent, I got one in reply. Each reply letter said this, “Thank you for your support on this issue. I, like you, believe very strongly that prayer in schools should be allowed and that the phrase ‘under God’ is key to this nation’s religious, spiritual, and moral background.” It went on to talk about how they know that my voice matters and they will do everything in their power to get this resolution passed especially knowing they have my support.

Okay, look, after receiving the runaround on the phone and not even a standard reply via email, I guess I wasn’t expecting much, but it is too much to ask that when my letter comes in they at least vet it to a “pro” or “con” pile??? I get sick to my stomach thinking about Dick Lugar standing on the floor holding my letter saying, “Look! Look how many people support me on this!”

So, Sars, what do I do about that? I think that was when I started to truly feel despair about the way my country is going. I keep trying to have faith, but it’s getting harder and harder. And when the old chestnut “write your congressman” fails…is there any other hope?

V.E.

Dear V.,

Damn Hoosiers.

Just kidding (I’m part Hoosier myself).Indiana looked pretty red to me on the electoral map, but maybe you need to start closer to the ground and work up, if Dick “Hock A” Lugar isn’t listening to you.Do you know your local reps?I mean, not “do you know them personally,” but do you know who they are?Can you Google them and find out who’s representing your district/ward in Congress and at the state level?

I think your best bet is to read up on your state reps, see who’s voted for what legislation, figure out who’s going to be receptive, and write to them instead — and if that doesn’t work, identify some of the other Senators that could maybe help you out.Forward a Democratic rep in another state your story and just sort of say, you gotta help us out over here, Lugar doesn’t get it, send reinforcements.

Either way, you might consider telling all this to your local ACLU chapter, or Googling to find an organization that advocates for the separation of church and state.Some of those outfits can get kind of wild-eyed about the issue; stick to the ones that have constitutional-law scholars on their boards and know how to spell.

Hey Sars,

Nice column. This is a short one. I’m 25 and I started learning how to drum
a little over six months ago. Now I’m not only hooked on the djembé, but
also hooked on my drum teacher. It does seem that he’s flirting back with
me, and he told me that he’d move a group class because I was chronically
late (!!!). So it doesn’t seem like just friendly teacher/student banter.

What’s the etiquette on adults asking out teachers that hold no academic
power over them anyway? And is it a bad idea because of the whole power
dynamic?

Thanks,
Little Drummer Girl

Dear Girl,

I think the etiquette is that, as long as it’s not going to interfere with either 1) your enjoyment of drum lessons or 2) the teacher’s ability to make a living teaching the drums, it’s fine.So, as long as it’s not going to make him look like a sleaze, or force you to move to another class (or give up the lessons) if it doesn’t work out, I’d go for it.

“Empathetic”?”Empathic”?

Thoughts?

Xander

Dear Xan Xan Language Man,

I believe that “empathetic” is used to mean “capable of understanding thoughts and feelings of others that you yourself have experienced,” whereas “empathic” has a more telepathic connotation.But maybe I’ve just absorbed too much StarTrek: The Next Generation-iana.Let’s hit the books.

Okay, it’s the latter.Sigh.The 11C lists them as straight synonyms.Garner agrees, but, because “empathetic” is “nearly four times as common in print sources,” he considers “empathic” a needless variant — i.e. it means the same thing, so there’s no need for it.

If you’re super-keen to save yourself two keystrokes, I don’t think “empathic” is wrong, but it does sound a little pretentious; I’d go with “empathetic.”

In reading your advice to “Lonely with Kittens,” I can’t help but wonder
how to do as you suggest so often to those in shitty relationships, that
is, end the bad relationship and move on.How do you move on if you still
love someone?What if there are children involved and you must continue to
interact with that someone?How does one learn to stop loving another?

You seem so self-assured and confident when you issue this type of
advice.Can it really be done and if so, how?I always wonder that when I
read your advice to people and figured I’d ask if there are surefire
pointers that work or if one is just left to muddle through the pain,
heartbreak, or depression that might accompany the breakup until one day,
possibly years down the road, one wakes up and the sky looks a little
brighter and the pain hurts a little less?

Curious M

Dear M,

Well, that’s the rub, isn’t it?That sometimes, love isn’t enough.And it’s hard to see that when you’re in the situation, because you think it should be enough, and you’ve invested so much time and emotion into the thing, you can’t just give up, on and on…but sometimes, you just have to ask yourself if you’re happy and if you can be happy, realistically, and if the answer is no, you have to get out.

Look, I don’t know any more than anyone else about these things, not really, but I do know how many times I’ve stayed too long, hoping I could turn things around, making myself miserable, instead of just cutting ties and starting the process of moving on.I know how hard it is, believe me, but I’m coming to that advice most of the time from the perspective of also knowing that cutting your losses is sometimes the only way.

Everyone gets through it in different ways.It’s harder with kids and shared real estate, of course, when you can’t just tell them to stay away from you, when you have to keep having the scab ripped off.But it’s doable, and if things aren’t working out, of course you should try to fix them…but if they aren’t fixable, you have to have a little faith in yourself and your instincts, and you have to do what needs to be done to be happy long-term, even if it means that you’re unhappy first.

All this sounds kind of whiffy, but…it’s not easy.It’s not easy for me, it’s not easy for anyone.It sucks.I don’t have kids, I haven’t been married, I can’t speak to those complications, but I know what it’s like to leave something behind that way and walk away from it sobbing, so, when I give that advice, understand that I know what it means and what it costs.

[11/5/04]

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