Dear Sars,

I graduated from college last year.In school I had this really tight-knit group of friends.We’re all really different people, but things just clicked with us.Since graduation in May, we’ve scattered all over the globe pursuing our own lives and dreams.Ever since then one of my friends, “Sally,” has been acting quite differently.After graduation, she moved to New York, started hanging out with a very jet-set type of crowd, and has become someone I barely recognize.Which is fine, because it is, after all, her life.

But on top of changing her style of dress and her calibre of company, she has started to treat me and the rest of our group of friends like shit.She’s mean and bitchy and judgmental.When one of our friends, “June,” called her on her new attitude, she flipped out and stopped talking to June.Then, Sally proceeded to essentially cut every one of our friends out of her life when they sided with June, saying that they too saw some problems with Sally’s new behavior towards them.

Sally just doesn’t get it, though.She thinks that all of this criticism is coming from nowhere, and feels hurt and wronged by everyone else.Since I am virtually the only one left in our old group of friends that she is still talking to, I get saddled with the burden of dealing with Sally.She’s constantly asking me if I’ve talked to June or any of the others, and if I have, she gets upset because they don’t call her; according to her, “They hate [her].”I want to be there for Sally so that she doesn’t feel quite so alone in all of this…but she’s always asking me to take sides with her against our other friends, and I’ve told her repeatedly that I can’t do that because I don’t agree with her.The fact of the matter is that Sally was out of line.And when she was called on it, she couldn’t handle it.

Sally is a great person to hang out with, but we really have nothing in common.I’m constantly getting into moral and political arguments with her in which we’ll never see eye-to-eye.I’ve never had a problem with that before, though, because there was always the redeeming fact that Sally is a really fun person to hang out with and she’s constantly challenging my beliefs — making me really examine the things I would otherwise take for granted as truths.However, lately, all we’ve been doing is talking about this mess with June and the others.Sally’s in constant need of validation, and it’s wearing me out.When I tell her that I don’t want to talk about it anymore, she starts crying and saying that she’s all alone in this and that I don’t understand how hard it is for her.I’m starting to think that this relationship may be more trouble than it’s worth.

Should I stick it out and be supportive of Sally in her time of need?Should I learn to force Sally to separate her problems with the others from our relationship so that we’re not constantly talking about it?And if Sally doesn’t agree to do that, should I just cut my losses and drop Sally like the proverbial bad habit?

Help!

Fiendish Friend

Dear Fiendish,

From the top: yes, up to a point; yes; and yes.

Tell Sally again that you don’t want to hear about the falling-out with June anymore.Make it clear that it’s the last time you will touch the subject; you feel for her, and you like her as a person, but you can’t hang out with her anymore if she can’t find something else to talk about.If she starts crying again, point out as gently as you can that she made a mistake, as we all do, but that it’s time for her to suck it up.

She harangues you about it because you let her.I understand that you don’t want to leave her friendless, but if she insists on putting you in the middle, then it’s her own fault.If she starts in, put a stop to it — change the subject, leave the bar, hang up on her, whatever it takes.It’s not about teaching her a lesson, because it’s not one she’s going to learn in the first place.It’s about setting limits and enforcing them.

Dear Sars,

There was this guy I dated in high school for three years.We broke up during my freshman year of college. It was mutual — we had just drifted apart.

Well, now it is ten years later and I am living with my fiancé. We went out to eat with my parents. My father (who is normally normal) mentioned in front of my fiancé that this boyfriend called for me at their house last week. My stepmom had the brains to just take his number and not to give mine out. Now the question is — should I return the call?

Frankly, I really don’t want to, but I am afraid it may be important. He had a heart condition, and if he is calling from his deathbed, I would feel horrible not to return his call. If he joined AA and needed to apologize as one of his steps, I wouldn’t feel as bad. And if he was calling because he just fought with his wife and was hoping for some “sympathy,” I could care less. I discussed this with my fiancé and he is not happy with the situation. He realizes it is up to me to call or not, and he won’t get mad if I do. So what do you think?

On the fence and holding the phone

Dear Fence,

I can’t help thinking that your life must have enough naturally occurring drama without creating more around a phone call from a long-ago ex.I mean, your fiancé is fine with you calling.What’s the problem?

I doubt that the guy is on his deathbed — it seems like the kind of thing he’d mention when he left the message, if that’s actually why he wanted to reach you — but you might as well go ahead and call him back.If it turns out that he’s in perfect health and just wants to shoot the shit, you can make your excuses and get off the call quickly if you don’t feel comfortable.

Dear Sarah,

I’m 21 years old, and for the past few months I’ve been involved with a
woman who’s a little older than I am — about thirty years older.
Now, the occasional disagreement about our tastes in music aside, we’re
pretty happy together.

The problem is, my friends tend to be less happy — and to a certain
extent, so do hers. I don’t know how to get them just to deal with this,
and accept it. I don’t rub their faces in it — we don’t go in for public
displays of affection, and she doesn’t often come along to our social
events, because she doesn’t feel she fits in with the university-crowd
parties.But they still get weirded out by the whole thing, and make comments
about it, and I’m tired of it.

Do you have any ideas for how I can settle this? I love my girlfriend
and I love my friends, and I’d hate to have to pick between them, but I
can’t seem to involve my girlfriend in a large chunk of my life;
it’s awkward, and places a strain in both directions.

Caught in the middle

Dear Caught,

Tell your friends what you just told me — you don’t appreciate the comments about your girlfriend, they put you in an awkward position by making them, and you’d really like them to cut it out with that.

Beyond that, though, there’s not much you can do, except to divide your time between them as best you can.You can’t force your friends to accept your girlfriend; you can’t force her friends to accept you.You can only ask your friends to respect your relationship, hope that your girlfriend asks the same of her friends, and give both groups time to adjust.Don’t press the point; don’t take it too personally if they don’t have much to say to each other.Not everyone in your life is going to get along all the time.

It’s nice to think that a big age difference doesn’t matter, but the fact is that it often does.A twenty-year-old and a fifty-year-old will usually have markedly different perspectives and priorities.That’s not to say that your relationship won’t work, obviously, or that your friends and your girlfriend will never get along, but to expect these two parties to mesh seamlessly after only a few months is a little naive.

[11/6/02]

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