Hey Sars,

I’ve got this friend, we’ll call him…”Richard,” anyways, we’ve been good friends for several months now, and we’ve been through quite a lot, including me being with him through a very nasty “break-up” (?) with his now ex-best friend, who he likes to refer to as “Whoreface” (she actually has nothing to do with this)…

Maybe I should give you some background on me first…I’m an 18-year-old guy (gay) and live in PEI, Canada, and Richard is 21 (and who knows?).

Well, I love spending time with Richard, and we are really close, but I want more than that, but I also don’t know if he is gay, or bi, or straight. Everyone “thinks” he is gay, and we have had people ask us before if we are dating. We’ve never really had any discussion on it, but I do know that he doesn’t like the idea of relationships for some reason. What I wanted to ask is, should I try to pursue him romantically? Or should I forget it and just be happy with that I’ve got?

Hoping for a reply,
Questioning in Canada

Dear Quest,

Forget it, I think — and not because he’s possibly straight or whatever, but because you yourself say that he “doesn’t like the idea of relationships for some reason.”That attitude might make him attractive in a hard-to-get kind of way, but it’s a power of ten’s more trouble than it’s worth to get attached to a guy like that.Truuuuust me.

Keep it to “just friends” with Richard, and keep an eye out for a guy who’s not quite so obviously a bad fit for you.

Sars,

I find myself writing to you for advice for what is
probably a minor and trivial problem to many people. I
also find myself quivering in fear that you will find
fault with my grammar, which is another issue
altogether. Go easy on me, please.

My problem: my husband and I have a beautiful daughter
who recently turned one year old. She is the apple of
both sets of grandparents’ eyes, and we are very lucky
that we live close to both our parents and that they
are able to spend quite a bit of time with her.

We had
made it very clear, or thought we had, before we had
her that we do not approve of certain things that are
mass-marketed to parents of children, for example
disposable diapers, disposable bibs, basically any
disposable baby item, walkers, certain toys, et cetera.
However, we keep receiving these items as gifts from
our families. While I really appreciate gifts, because
who doesn’t like free baby stuff, I feel like they
have no respect for the way we want to raise our
child. They are also known to make derisive comments
about our eating organic, buying recycled, and the
other things we do and believe in. I don’t want our
daughter to feel ridiculed for our, and hopefully in
the future, her beliefs. These are small issues now
but I can see it escalating.

So, short of not accepting these gifts, do you have
any suggestions as to how to tactfully remind them of
the things we don’t want. And would it be extremely
rude for me to ask them (again!) to please try to
respect our wishes or at least keep their opinions to
themselves. I’d really appreciate your input.

Signed,
Tired of throwing it all away

Dear Tired,

I’ll take the comments first — you should respond to those by pointing out that you don’t make persnickety comments about the wasteful habits of others (and for that to work, you’d kind of better not do that, because it’s rude), so, while you don’t ask them to understand, you do ask them to respect your beliefs by not snarking on them.

As for the stuff, well, if they make remarks about what you want, they already know how you feel about the things they give you.They just keep giving you what they want to give you, presumably because they think you’ll wind up using it out of guilt, or because it’s free, or whatever.So, I think the thing to do here is to thank them for the thought, and then find an organization in your area that accepts donations of baby things — a family shelter, a pediatric hospice, a food drive if they’ve given you a case of Gerber — and give that organization the things you’re opposed to using.That way, you don’t have to compromise your beliefs, and at least someone gets some good out of the stuff.

Now, if your family finds out that you gave away an expensive stroller or whatever, it’s going to become An Issue, at which time you patiently explain that you’d made your feelings on these products clear, and you certainly appreciate their generosity — but your daughter can’t use the stroller, so another child is using it instead.And they’ll probably stop giving you baby stuff altogether at that point, which is their right, but which also solves the problem rather neatly.

The other option is to refuse the gifts at the time you receive them, but I think this way is more gracious — and more effective.

Dear Sars,

Though this may not seem like a big deal, certain things have begun to
have an impact upon my life in very negative ways.

In the start of the last school year, I went from public school, where
I hadn’t been doing much, to a new private (and very exclusive) school,
The Q School. I had carved out a niche for myself at public school in the
social scene, and resented being taken out of my comfort zone — even
though I was bored throughout classes. The class at Q had all known each
other for two years prior to my entering, and they all came from a very
wealthy New England background (my family lives comfortably, but some kids
had their chauffeur take them to school each day).

For a number of reasons that would take a long time to rehash, I left Q
and went on to V Academy, another school in my area, for the next year.
I left behind a few pretty good friends. At first, I was very nervous —
unlike Q, V is a boarding and day school, so kids come from all over the
world. I am a day student, so of course I miss out on all the extra bits
of private-school life that go on after hours.

I guess my question is this: What the hell is wrong with me? I entered
into the school and basically kept to myself, which is my first instinct
whenever I’m nervous. I’m naturally introverted, so it’s easy for me to
retreat into myself — to a point. After a while, I began to get really
lonely, and I needed something to balance out my hours of homework. I
gravitated more towards the girls — I really relate more to girls in some
ways because I’ve never been into the whole sports scene. I have a few
good boy friends, but really (and I don’t want to categorize here, but…)
no one I am close enough to to hang out with outside school. I’ve tried
being myself, but I always just end up feeling inadequate, and when I try
to be someone else, people see right through me. I feel just dispensable —
I’m an acquaintance to many, but a best friend to few, and I hate that
feeling.

My parents are really wonderful, but they don’t really understand these
stories, for they remember the days of public school, when I had my group
of best friends from first grade (who, it’s worth noting, I rarely get to
see any more — I guess neither side makes the effort. I don’t have time to
read books for fun anymore; the most substantive literature I’ve read in
months is Entertainment Weekly — shudder). I wish I could see a
psychiatrist, but my parents tell me that there’s nothing wrong with my
mind, and I suppose I’m inclined to agree. I’m not crazy — I just can’t
step outside myself and make friends. I just wish there were some way I
could step outside myself and enter into those groups that are so tightly
bound. How can I make them want to be my friend?

Thanks for putting up with this decidedly weird and rambling letter,
Feeling Lonely

Dear Lonely,

You can’t “make” anyone want to be your friend.It doesn’t work that way.Friendships are made, I guess, in the vernacular, but really, they’re recognized — accumulated, built on time spent together and common interests.

I felt the same way you felt a lot of the time in high school, especially towards the end — I was universally liked and respected, pretty much, but I also felt like the girls I considered my best friends considered other girls their best friends, which is a lonely way to feel when you’ve gone to the same school for twelve years.

But high school is like that.Nobody really “chooses” to go to a particular school; it’s more like you have to go to a school, and your parents usually pick it out, and regardless, you have to go until you turn eighteen, blah, so it’s harder to forge connections.Plus it’s an age where people are still trying on personae and trying to figure out where they belong in the world.

My point here is that it isn’t really a you issue so much as an environmental issue.You are obviously capable of making friends (in public school), and in getting along with a variety of people (you have lots of acquaintances, I assume friendly in nature).But a lot of people don’t form really tight bonds with other people until college, simply because they’re thrown together with people during high school that they can’t really click with, and it’s lonely, but chances are, it’s not going to be a life-long problem.

In the meantime, give it time.Hang out with your acquaintances and try to enjoy that for what it is; keep your eyes open for people who like the same things you do, who seem to “get” you, but if you don’t spot anyone at your current school, don’t lose hope.

Dear Wise and Wonderful Sars,

A while back, I had what I thought was going to be a one-night stand with a
guy, J.We hit it off and the sex was great, and we ended up seeing a lot
more of each other.We both understood that it wasn’t going to be a big,
lovey-dovey relationship-type thing, and that was cool.

What wasn’t cool
was his ex-girlfriend, C, spinning out about it.My problem is that C is a
tenant in the same house as one of my best friends, R.Things between J
and I ended, and he’s now back with C.C, apparently, is not a mature human
being, and she’s been bitching about me and J to R, who is very timid.R
tends to tell me when C has been making a fuss, but not any details, unless
I ask.I do ask for details, because I like to know what’s being said about
me and because whenever I go to visit R, C is there, and I want to avoid
saying or doing anything that may set her off.C’s unpredictability is
bugging me — for example, I was recently at a party at R’s house that C and
J were both attending also.I had a long, interesting, and purely platonic
conversation with J, and when I saw C she was civil, even friendly.Now I’m
told that R was, yet again, the dumping ground for all C’s bitchiness after
I left.

J and I have no problems with each other.No residual attraction, no hard
feelings.J and R get along fine.But C’s refusal to just let go and the
fact that she whines to R, who’s too much of a pushover to tell her to stop,
is really pissing me off.I’d understand her being a bit tetchy if I was
seeing a lot of J, but I’m really, really not.The last time I tried the
tactic of refusing to listen to R trying to tell me what had been said, I
unknowingly made a comment in front of C that set her off yet again, causing
unpleasantness for both R and J, not to mention me!I realize that R’s
getting herself into the mess by not telling C to shut up and shove off, but
that’s made difficult by their living situation.And hey, this is my
business too; it’s ME that C is talking trash about.I don’t know if this
makes a difference, but it was C who jilted J, so it’s not like she’s bitter
because he dumped her in order to sleep around.

My question is, would I be WAY out of line if I went directly to C and asked
her to talk to me about any issues she had rather than dumping all her shit
onto R?And if it would be out of line, what on earth can I say to R make
her realize what I’ve been telling her ever since the first C-spewing-bile
episode — that I don’t really give a damn what C thinks of me?

Thanks,
The Whore of Babylon

Dear Babs,

It seems like “R, I don’t really give a damn what C thinks of me” would probably get the job done.

Not that it’s the truth — if you really didn’t care, I wouldn’t have gotten this letter — but seriously?Enough already.Tell R you don’t want to hear any more of C’s crabbing, secondhand or otherwise.If R is sick of hearing it, it is her responsibility to say so to C.If C has a problem with you, it is her responsibility either to suck it up and get over it, or to confront you directly; for you to download info from R for the express purpose of tiptoeing around C is ridiculous, and only allows C to continue acting like a two-year-old.

Take the subject of C off the table, and the next time you say something inadvertently that upsets her, shrug an apology and get on with your day.Better yet, tell her to get a grip.Someone should, God knows.

I am having an issue with my younger sister. Her husband, Jackass, left her
a few months ago. I’m not going to go into details, but it’s for the best. My
sister is currently unemployed and going to school part-time, and Jackass has
supported her financially for the last couple of months, even though they
live apart.

After he left her, I told her she could come live with me, rent-free, except for one third of the utilities, until she finished school, but I wanted her
to have a part-time job and she had to help around the house. I wanted to
help her separate herself from the Jackass. She said she wanted to wait
until her lease was up this month. I said okay, because she had just started a new
part-time job.

I should have known better, because she hasn’t held a job for any substantial
amount of time in years. Two weeks later, she quits the job (she doesn’t
tell me, I have to ask her). She tells me that she is going to look for
another one. Then two weeks after that, she tells me that she still wants to move
in with me, but she doesn’t want to get a job because she will be finished
with school four weeks after she moves in with me and then she has to do a four-week internship, which is 40 hours a week, and then she will be starting a
new job in her new profession (dental assisting) and Jackass will continue
to support her while she is living with me, and that even if she had a
part-time job he would have to give money because her bills are so much.

I was pissed. This was not our original deal. But she didn’t have anyplace
else to go. We have no family in the area except each other and she has no
friends. So, I caved. I can’t control her life, right? But I can’t let her
live on the streets. We moved her in this weekend and today, when I left for
work (we should both leave at the same time), she was still in bed. And she
missed three days of school last week. This is the only fucking thing she does
and she still messes it up!

We have vaguely discussed ground rules, but nothing in writing. But I am
seriously considering having her sign a “contract” with time limits and
whatnot. But I am not sure what it should cover. We originally stated that
she would have four weeks after she started her new job to find a new place, and
if she didn’t she would have to start paying rent. But now I want her out
after four weeks. And this means that she has to keep up with the other steps,
like finishing school and her internship on time.

And to top it all off, the
girl is a bitch. I had forgotten since I hadn’t lived with her for so long,
but hell, I don’t really blame the Jackass for leaving. Anything I present
to her is going to throw her into a royal fit — she is weirdly paranoid and
defensive. I want her stay with me to be as short as possible. What kind of
rules should I make? And she is so unreliable — should I check up and make
sure she is going to school or something like that? I actually thought about
telling her she has to bring me a signed attendance log from the school or
something of that nature — is that too much? Or should I just tell her to
go? (My mom, who lives 10 hours away and doesn’t have to deal with her
bullshit, says that I should be supportive of my sister because she is going
through such a hard time — but is this too supportive?) I know I have thrown
a lot at you. Any help would be appreciated.

Sincerely,
What Have I Done?

Dear Done,

Present her with a contract that says she has to find a new place in four weeks.She’s going to ask about the staying-longer-and-paying-rent thing; tell her it’s off the table, because you don’t feel she’s reliable what with all the flux in her life right now.Then put in a pair of earplugs.In three…two…one…the bitching, the screaming, the stomping off to call your mom and complain about you.

You had good intentions, but your sister is an adult, and if she has bills and if Jackass is supporting her, at least in part…she’ll manage.A month is an appropriate amount of time for you to offer housing help, but after that, she can — and should, and will have to — shift for herself.

Don’t get into it with her about her flaking or about whether she’s going to classes; that stuff isn’t your problem.Focus on the real issue here, which is that you can’t count on her to come up with the rent, and more importantly that you don’t want her to, because you don’t think the two of you should live together.You love her and you want the best for her, but she’s not in any mortal danger and she needs to get it together on her own at the end of four weeks.

It’s not going to win any popularity awards, that move, but I think it’s the best thing.Tell her she’s out after four weeks.Tell her not to put you in the position of changing the locks.Do not open it for debate; just present her with the contract and offer whatever help she needs in finding a new place, but if she won’t sign it…well, now it’s down to two weeks, and good luck to her.

I know it sounds harsh, but I suspect that she’ll take advantage of you as long as you allow it, so stop allowing it now before it gets really bad.

[11/6/03]

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