Hiya Sars.

I am in need of one of your patented nuggets of witty yet insightful wisdom — I hope you can help me out.

Me: 26, smart, funny, a little on the shy and reserved side but knows how to have a good time.Not exactly Don Juan, but I’ve been around the block a few times and know what’s what.She: 26, achingly beautiful.Funny. Smarter than me (which is a major turn-on).Everything I’d been looking for, in short.We went to the same university, lived in the same residence, and worked at the same department store for a while without ever meeting. Time passed, and last year we finally met through a common friend and hit it off immediately.The attraction was powerful and immediate, from both sides, and it seemed like fate had finally brought us together.The past year has been the best of my life.Things between us were better than anything I’d ever known and I thought it might be — gasp — True Love.

Until about a month ago, when she called it off.She felt like she was losing her friends, her family, and a part of herself by spending so much time in my world and not enough time in hers — which was true, to some extent.There was no big fight, and there was no attempt to work through things together — she just ended it.I was shocked and heartbroken, and wanted to try to fix things, but she didn’t think it was possible.And that was that.We talked, cried, talked some more, and then walked away from each other. The next week was the worst of my life.Things were rough, and I did a lot of thinking about life, the universe, et cetera.After much soul searching, I decided that even if she didn’t want to be my girlfriend anymore, she was too special a person to cut out of my life completely, so if we were just friends, well, it could be worse.We got together after a week apart to go for a drink, and I told her that.She agreed, and it looked like the beginning of a friendship.

Then we went back to my place and made out for a while.I thought it was maybe something we just had to get out of our systems, but that sort of thing has been going on a for a few weeks now.Get together for dinner, or a drink, and we can’t keep our hands off each other.No sex, though she did invite me to sleep with her one night.I didn’t know if this was the death throes of our previous relationship or the start of something new.We talked about it last week, and we agreed we were moving in a positive direction and not just getting a last fling out of our systems — it felt almost like we were dating again.Which I thought was a good thing.

Then last night she says she wants to spend time apart.She still feels unsure about what she wants, and thinks that time apart will help her get her feelings sorted out.She doesn’t want to cut out email and phone contact, just physically seeing each other for now.I asked her point-blank if this was some way of letting me down gently in order to dump me again, but she said no, and I believe her.

Sigh…I feel like a boxer who keeps getting up off the canvas, only to be knocked down again, and my corner’s ready to throw in the towel before I get permanently brain damaged.I’m not the needy and clingy type — if this were any other woman, my self-esteem and I would have taken the last train outta here, but she’s honestly worth everything I’ve had to go through and more.I think the problems in our relationship can be fixed, but I can’t do that on my own — it takes two people to fix a relationship, and she hasn’t been willing to commit to doing that yet.I really believe she doesn’t know what she wants right now, because she’s had plenty of opportunity to just walk away if that’s what she truly wanted — she’s an independent woman who doesn’t need a man in her life to be happy, so I know she’s not just keeping me around as a backup until something better comes along.She’s been thoughtful and caring and understanding and honest throughout this whole thing, and I want to be the same way for her, but I also don’t want stand by and watch her slip away. Any advice?Should I be Understanding Guy and do nothing while I leave her alone to let her think about things for a while, or should I be Take-Charge Guy and actively woo her and start pressuring her to come back to me, or should I be Rational Guy and cut my losses and walk away?None of those options feels right.Is there another course of action I’m not seeing? Help!

Lost and Delirious

Dear Lost,

You didn’t give yourself enough time initially to make a level-headed decision now; neither of you did.You only took a week off from each other, and that’s not enough time to figure out what’s going on.Now you live in this limbo with the fooling around and the operatic angst and both of you with the come-here-go-away routine — enough already.

Don’t decide anything now — except to cut her off, completely, for a month.You have to.You have to take one month to get your head on straight without seeing her, talking to her, emailing her, or fooling around with her.It might seem counterintuitive to make a decision about her by removing her from the equation, but there’s really no other way.Think of it as a scientific study; the month apart is your control.You have to take everything else out of the experiment so that the test group (i.e. you sorting out what you want — and that means “you,” not “her”) doesn’t get polluted with bad data.Or wherever that metaphor is going.Give me a break; I’ve got a cold.

Anyway.She might not mean to hurt and confuse you, but regardless, that’s what she’s doing.You owe it to yourself to get some distance from her, and she’s not capable of doing that for you for whatever reason.Do it yourself.Give yourself room to think.

Hi Sarah,

Long-time reader, first-time writer…I need help.

My husband and I have been married for five years and together two years previous to our nuptials.Using all of my fingers and some toes, I can count the instances we’ve had sex in the time since we married. Number of times he’s initiated it — one.

Am I wrong to think this sucks?I have tried just about every method to get my husband interested in having sex — weekend getaways, “dates,” going to bed at the same time (I am a night-owl), alcohol, even the dreaded lingerie angle (so girlie and so NOT me).I occasionally pepper conversation with references, talk dirty, et cetera.I have just plain said, “Hey, let’s make love/have sex/get busy” countless times.I don’t make this a nonstop assault, but try to maintain the idea that yes, I love him and yes, I want to have sex with him.I am generous with my compliments, telling him how great his body is (it is, the little bastard — he jogs and works out, and his frame is hot!).I’ve tried lots of non-sexual touching so as not to pressure him, but just to maintain contact and let him know I care.I’ve also tried laying off for long periods of time and just enjoying each other’s company with no expectation of sex.Really.I have been keeping myself in pretty good shape — after three kids, it’s getting more difficult, but I work my ass off four or five times a week to stay reasonably trim.

Have we talked about this problem?Yes.Counselling?Yes, we’ve tried that too. Twice.Possible (timely) causes were identified each time — new baby, long days at work, whatever, but as each cause dissipated, our sex life remained stagnant.In each session, it was determined that I expected too much of my husband, and I should respect his exhausted state and not try to force the issue.Sars, I really and truly do all the work in our house.He takes the garbage out once a week, and that is his only responsibility in the home.I cook, clean, take care of all child-related concerns, and work full-time.Honestly, the imbalance of household chores does not bother me, not if it helps him relax and find energy for our relationship.But it’s not working, obviously.

I am a healthy, energetic woman, with what I consider a normal libido. (I’m willing to accept the occasional dry spell, and would acquiesce to a twice-
weekly occurrence.) This is the only exception in an otherwise very good relationship.One of the reasons I married this man was so I could have sex with my best friend for the rest of my life.But I’m getting so angry and frustrated, I feel betrayed.And stupid for letting this problem drag on and on.And I’m thinking of leaving him.

Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks.
A grateful reader

Dear Grateful,

Your husband is auditing your marriage.You’ve let him get away with it long enough.It’s time to start grading him — and to let him know that, should he fail, there will be consequences.

Stop pulling all of the weight around the house and in the bedroom.Stop enabling him.Stop letting him think you don’t deserve better.Tell him you’ve stopped.He can either pitch in and help with his share the household chores and start showing an interest in you sexually, or he can give you a good, real, true reason why so that the two of you can work out a solution — or you will leave.Don’t let him get away with the “it’s really rough at work right now” or the “I just have a lot on my mind,” because what has he got on his mind?It’s not the laundry, that’s for damn sure.

Make him show up in this marriage and participate in it in all ways, or at least try to, because he’s not trying — because you let him not try.

If he won’t do it, get out.I know you have kids and I know he’s your best friend, but you can do better than all work, no nookie — and you’d better do better, and soon, or you’ll wind up bitter and angry and stuck, and nice body or no, he’s not worth that.

[11/7/01]

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