Dear Sars,

I know that you care about this subject, so I am hoping you can give me some really good advice.

How do I handle the subject of people’s not voting? I get really mad when my friends don’t vote, especially other women, since we have not always had the right. Do I keep my mouth shut? Is it rude to say anything? I am not talking about running up to people I barely know and yelling at them. I’m talking about my friends, and whether it is my place to say anything about the matter.

Right now, I am really infuriated by my best friend’s attitude towards the whole thing. I tried to be lighthearted, and quoted what you wrote on Tomato Nation about not being allowed to complain when you don’t vote. She basically said, “Oh, I don’t ever talk about politics, or complain about them.” But Sars, I know that she certainly cares about SOME stuff! And does complain about it!

I am hoping you can give me perspective with your sage advice.

Angry at Apathy

Dear Angry,

Well, it’s her vote.If she doesn’t want to use it, that’s up to her — a lot of people don’t feel like voting does much good, and while you can argue the point endlessly, it’s her decision in the end.

The next time she complains about a political issue, point out mildly that she ought to vote if she feels that strongly, and change the subject.

Sarah,

This is long; very long. Brace yourself. Ready?

My best friend (“S”) and I always go to the mall and Starbucks together. We have a habit of finding workers that are either hot or really rude or have some distinctive characteristic, and then we watch them and stuff whenever we go there. For example, we saw this adorable Starbucks worker who had suddenly shown up at the mall, so we followed him around. I’ll admit that this is no normal teenage hobby, but it’s our hobby. Everyone in our group knows we do this. Some laugh, some roll their eyes, some respond with “y’all are crazy.”

Fast forward to last night. I, S, and three of our other best friends (“E,” “R,” and “T”) went to dinner; it was Homecoming night and none of us felt like going to the dance, so we decided to just go to the mall, a movie, and a restaurant. E and I were spending the night at S’s house, and R knew this, since she saw us take our overnight bags inside. She knows perfectly well that E and I spend the night at S’s house all the time, and S has never even been to E’s house! It was also explained that S could only have two people over. The mall and movies was only me, S, E, and R, because T is a guy and didn’t want to go.

Anyway, at the mall we did our customary rounds, scoping out workers in the food court, using the store windows as mirrors to reflect guys that were checking us out, as we usually do. E and R laughed along with us and acted like they were having a good time. We bought a couple things, then went to the movie. After that, we went to dinner, where we met up with T, who was already in a bad mood for some reason or another. We got a table, sat down, ordered food, and began talking. Throughout the night, R and T were sort of having their own conversation; several times I attempted to talk to them, but they were talking about church things that I had no clue about. S, E, and I were talking about the food, the waiter, nothing important — I barely even remember any of it. It was just dinner small talk. We all talked to T and R as well, so it’s not like we ignored them the whole time; T was laughing at most of our jokes! In the final few minutes, there was a little confusion as always about paying the bill, but we got that figured out and then R and T left hurriedly. So far, so good.

Then we went to S’s house, got online, and began talking to R, asking her how she enjoyed dinner. All hell breaks loose. She says “I enjoyed it, mostly” and we ask why, and we end up finding out that she felt all left out, and we shouldn’t have “talked about doing things together if she wasn’t going to be included” (just spending the night? We have included her in so many things! And we did NOT talk about anything else!), et cetera. She finally left without really explaining what she wanted us to do or what was actually bothering her, specifically. We explain stuff to her, and when we’re talking about someone/-thing she doesn’t know, we tell her about it, but she just rolls her eyes and mocks us and says it’s stupid, so why should we bother? Why does she feel left out if she doesn’t want to hear about it in the first place?

Then the next day T said that he didn’t enjoy dinner because “we were annoying.” I should really explain that he is CONSTANTLY inviting himself places with us and he knows EXACTLY what we’re like, so why did he come if he knew he wasn’t gonna enjoy himself? He’s been to dinner with us on several occasions, and we acted no differently than we usually do. He said he was forced to come, which is silly, because we would’ve had just as good a time with or without him — we invited him, and he wanted to come. We didn’t drag him there on a leash.

We are completely confused. I don’t understand any of this. R has lots of other friends whom she does things with and whom she has inside jokes with that I don’t know about, and I don’t act all hurt or left out because she’s known them longer. Many times when we’re talking online, she’s saying “V is over” or “I’m going to V’s house” or “V and I did so-and-so last night,” so shouldn’t she realize it’s the exact same thing? Her problem might also have something to do with V making plans for Homecoming night and not inviting her…might she be taking out some of her V anger on us? Every time I read her AIM profile, it’s full of inside jokes that I have no clue about.

So why is she so upset? Is it our fault? What can we do here? S and I both want to be friends with T and R, but we don’t know how to go about it since we don’t know what their problem is. The only one unaffected (or rather neutral) on the issue is E. She doesn’t hang out with us as much as S and I do with each other, and yet she wasn’t hurt or left out. This makes me hope there is some bit of sanity left in the world. I am beyond figuring this out on my own and need as much help as I can get. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed,

First of all — you know that R puts down the stuff you talk about because she feels left out, right?

That notwithstanding, you can’t really do anything.You might try telling her what you just told me (albeit in a less exasperated tone), explaining that you certainly don’t mean to exclude her, but that she shouldn’t get so bent out of shape because you and S both like her and like hanging out with her.That might defuse future hurt feelings.

But, really…whatever.Just act friendly like you always do, and if T and R want to make a federal case out of the fact that they don’t get and/or find funny every single joke that passes between you and S, let them.

Howdy, Sars —

Over the past year, due to medication…AND
complete laziness…I have gained about 30 pounds.
When spring rolled (hee — “rolled”) around, I decided
to take steps to get back in shape. Nothing drastic or
unhealthy: I started a basic exercise program, cut out
soda and drank more water, ate less pizza and more
fruit and veggies, et cetera. I am not looking to reach a
magic number or “perfect” weight. I don’t want to look
like Gwyneth Paltrow or anything. Quick fixes aren’t
the answer; I don’t want to go on some sort of crash
diet. I just want to feel better
physically, and I know it will be a gradual process,
no matter HOW fast I want it to happen. Dammit.

ANY-way, about two weeks ago, I was talking about
work — oddly enough — with a woman from my department.
Another woman approached us and said to me, with no
introduction or explanation: “I know you’re not supposed to say this to a lady, but
you’ve been putting on weight.”

WHAT THE? As I tend to diffuse uncomfortable moments
with humor, I said to her, “First of all, [Rude-Ass
Coworker’s name], I’m NOT a lady. Second, it’s not
exactly news.” Then the three of us went on to discuss
workout “buddies” and general health issues blah blah
blah before I returned to my cubicle.

I must admit, I was taken aback. It was just so
out-of-the-blue! Rude-Ass Coworker is also in my
department, but I rarely see her outside of our
monthly meetings. I didn’t really dwell on how I
handled RAC’s remarks, because obviously she has no
social skills and what she thinks about my physical
appearance isn’t exactly one of my priorities. I guess
I’m just wondering if there was a “correct” way to
handle the situation (aside from calling her a name or
smacking her in the gob, neither of which is a
constructive option). I’ve seen her in the hallways
since then, and while I used to smile and greet her by
name, now I either just nod or ignore her. Any
thoughts?

Carrying All That Weight

Dear Weight,

You handled it just fine.You had the grace to play it off, and if someone’s that obtusely rude, there’s not much else you can do.A flat “gosh — well, thank you for letting me know” also works pretty well in these situations.

Nodding and ignoring her works, too, I think.She apparently suffers from some sort of conversational autism, and if you don’t want to deal with her and you don’t have to, don’t.

[11/7/02]

Share!