Dear Sars,

I love your website!I don’t usually ask complete strangers for advice, but
I’d actually really like some advice from someone not embroiled in this
situation.I’m graduating from graduate school soon (somehow that sounds
redundant).(Okay, completely unrelated question — in the previous sentence,
where should the period go?I’m never sure what to do when a sentence ends
with a parentheses.)

Anyway, I’m graduating.My masters will not be a
particularly useful masters out in the job market, but that’s okay.What’s
freaking me out is the job hunt.I applied (sort of by chance) to this really
cool-sounding job before I realized that it was located three hours away from
Boston (where I live).They asked me for a phone interview, and now I’ve been
called back to ask for the second round of interviews.This is all making me
really anxious!On the one hand, the job sounds really interesting and the
pay is probably going to be more than the average for jobs I’m looking at.On
the other hand, and now we come to the crux of the problem, my boyfriend and
my whole social life are here in Boston.

I really like Boston, and I have tons of friends in the area, and most
importantly, my wonderful boyfriend lives in Boston.Part of me is kicking
myself for letting that be a consideration, but I’m really happy with him and
I don’t really want to have a commuter relationship, where we can only see
each other on weekends.We essentially live together, and I’d really miss
that.On the other hand, for a year or two, a really cool job might be worth
it.I’m in a complete tizzy about this.And I haven’t even been offered the
job!Part of me is saying that if I can jump-start my career I should do so
and shouldn’t let some guy get in the way; on the other hand this relationship
means a whole lot to me and I don’t want to put the strain of long distance on
it.Granted, three hours away isn’t the ends of the earth, but it’d be very
definitely separate households…argh.Help?Please?Any ideas on what I
should do, or if I’m being really silly by worrying about this?

Stressed out already

Dear Stressed,

You punctuated the sentence correctly.If the entire sentence is in parentheses, the period goes inside; if it’s a parenthetical comment within a sentence, the period goes outside (otherwise the sentence doesn’t end).

You know, people like to say that they “know it’s dumb” to want to stay, or move, somewhere “for some guy,” but 1) it isn’t, really, or at least no dumber than any other reason, unless the some guy in question is a schmuck, and 2) see 1).He isn’t a schmuck; he isn’t just “some guy.”He’s your boyfriend, and to include him in your decision-making process is appropriate.

But you should include him, then — discuss the decision with him and see what he thinks.It’s an unfortunate fact of life that, early in any career, the career usually has to come first if you want to get anywhere in it, and you have to make sacrifices in the social and emotional areas of your life.

Not every sacrifice is worth it, though, and if it’s a sweet job, but it would require you to leave everything else that’s sweet in your life behind, you might want to reconsider taking it.Then again, the economy is harsh right now, and you might not have that luxury; I can’t really tell you which way the scales should tip here.

You can go ahead and put your boyfriend on the scales, though.Make him a factor.I mean, you’ll spend enough time working in your life that you shouldn’t have to feel miserable the rest of the time as a result, if that makes any sense.

I’m in a bit of a pickle.My brother is in a serious relationship with a good friend of mine.I introduced them, and the relationship has been nothing but wonderful for them and for me for a few years now.They’re talking about getting married and I couldn’t be happier for them.

The problem is she has the same first name as me.It hasn’t really been an issue so far, because when people in the family refer to my brother and his gal, everyone’s aware that it’s a different match-up than my brother and his sister.BUT they’re almost certainly going to get married within the next 18 months or so, and then my name will be exactly the same as the name of my brother’s wife.She and I have laughingly discussed this, and she has also expressed genuine concern about “stealing my identity” and how important my input is to her, but she is pretty set on taking her husband’s name and a hyphenation would sound pretty lame in this case.I don’t really feel entitled to any input in a matter like this, and wouldn’t feel comfortable suggesting policy on my brother and my friend’s personal choices.

To further complicate matters, she and I work together in different departments of the same small-ish company and her personality is so great that she has overshadowed me occasionally when we have worked together, although this hasn’t been a problem in our personal relationship and I don’t see us both being with the company forever.

Now, I’m happily in a position myself where there’s a chance I could be married within a few years, but I’ve always been sort of bewildered by marriage and its traditions so I had never thought of taking my husband’s name.Then again, the fact that I’m putting it in writing that I’m considering marriage is an enormous step, so maybe I could be swayed.Since marital and wedding traditions have no strong meaning for me, I sort of wanted to develop my own meaningful traditions with my partner…ones that make sense to me, instead of wearing certain outfits, shoving cake into each other’s mouths for photographers and arbitrarily having one partner change their name.

So I guess my question is, am I weak if I just take my proposed husband’s name for the sake of convenience so as not to be confused with my sister-in-law?My fella would like me to do whatever makes me happy and comfortable.I’m not trying to be difficult, but changing my name had never really occurred to me until my “identity” became threatened.I really like my own name and his (extremely common) last name is not one I would choose for myself, but there’s nothing wrong with it.Hyphenation is not a viable option for me either because all the last names in this situation are short, blunt, one-syllable names that wouldn’t sound good together.Also, my relationship is more in the phase of tentative talks about marriage, whereas my brother is actually in the planning stages, so there will be a time, perhaps the rest of my life, when my full name is shared with a family member, close friend and co-worker.This is not keeping me up nights, but I’m curious whether there’s a simple solution I’m just missing.

Thanks for your help,
Blankety Blank-Blank

Dear Blank,

Please tell me you don’t have the same middle initial.No?Okay, good.There you go.You’re “Blankety P. Blank-Blank.”She’s “Blankety A. Blank-Blank.”Problem solved.

I kind of feel your pain; when I look back at all the different cohorts I’ve belonged to in my life, maybe one or two of them has known me as just “Sarah.”The rest of the time, it’s “Sarah B.” or “Sarah D.” (my middle initial) or “Bunting” or “Rah” (don’t ask).As I’ve said before, in any group of a hundred women — or, if they’re close to my age, ten women — the likelihood that I’m the only Sara/h is pretty slim.So, people find workarounds.

I think that’s probably the solution here — let the people who share your lives figure out how they want to distinguish between two of you with the same name, and then just go with the flow.Well, unless they decide to call you “Stinkypants”; then you might want to suggest an alternative of your own.

Dear Sars,

I’ve read all of the Vines, and you’re just about the only person I can
think of who might be able to come up with a satisfactory solution to my
beard problem.Well, it’s my problem, but it’s my husband’s beard.Let me
back-track a little bit.

When I met “Dan” eight years ago, he kept his face clean-shaven.I thought
he was pretty damn hot, and acted on it.Four years ago, we went to London
for two weeks.He took the opportunity to stop shaving, figuring that no
one there but me would care that his face was all scruffy, and that I loved
him enough to deal with it.After two scruffy weeks, his beard actually
came in pretty well.It’s not the fullest beard in the world, but neither
is it the scraggliest.

Before he grew the beard, he felt that he looked far younger than his age,
and that as a consequence, his colleagues didn’t take him as seriously as
they would if he looked his age.After he came home from vacation with the
beard, he decided that people were indeed taking him more seriously at work.
Maybe the people he worked with did subconsciously react differently to him;
I have no way of really knowing.I didn’t think he looked quite as young as
he thought he looked to begin with, and now, of course, he’s four years
older, and probably looks plenty mature without the beard.

Anyway, he’s worn the beard since then, and is pretty attached to it.I
thought, when we got married two years ago, he might shave it off, at least
for the wedding, but he didn’t.The problem?I don’t like the beard on
him.Never have, and after four years to get used to it, I’m pretty sure I
never will.As short and trimmed as he keeps it, it’s still prickly and
scratchy (not such a turn-on in bed), and I frankly just find him less
physically attractive with it than I found him without it.It’s certainly
not something you leave someone over, but it does bother me and I don’t know
what to do about it.

My options as I see them:

1) Suck it up and deal, for the rest of my life.It’s his face, and I don’t
really get a say.I just get scratched and have to look at it.(I don’t
like this one very much.)
2) Explain that I liked his face better when it was, you know, visible, and
ask him, in a nice and non-nagging way, to shave it.(I’ve tried this
several times in the last four years, and so far he’s just said no.)
3) Nag him until he gets rid of it. (After which I’m basically happy, but he
feels resentful, for who knows how long.)
4) Give him an ultimatum: me or the beard, hirsute boy.(While the beard
bugs me, I couldn’t say this with any seriousness, because after all, it is
just hair.)
5) Get him good and drunk, and shave it after he passes out.(Just kidding.
Sort of.)

We love each other very much, and I do respect his right to decide for
himself how he wants to look.This doesn’t feel to me like a symptom of a
bigger problem; he’s just weighed his options and decided that he likes the
beard more than my disliking it bothers him.So finally, Sars: Am I just
stuck with it forever?Can you think of any persuasive arguments I could
put forward?What would you do?

Rubbed the wrong way in Boston

Dear Ow,

Ah, how to influence the facial hair.It’s an age-old question, and my personal feeling is that, if he had the beard when you first got together, it’s your tough, but if you got together and then he grew it?I mean, it’s not false advertising, exactly, but I think you get a vote if you pre-date the beard.He can overrule it, but you still get to cast it.

I think you need to tell him what you just told me — the beard doesn’t look bad, but he looks better without it, and also, it’s making fooling around uncomfortable and itchy for you, and you would like him to respect that and shave it off.If he starts whining that it’s his face and you should love him no matter what he looks like and blah, remind him that he can always grow it back.

It’s a point that often gets overlooked during a facial-hair debate — it grows back.If he really hates his naked face (or, more importantly, the increased enthusiasm for nookie it inspires), he can start the beard up again the next time he has a long weekend, but it’s not like you want him to shave his head.You just want him to try it without the Jeremiah Johnson look for a while.

If that doesn’t work…I hesitate to recommend such a passive-aggressive action, but when #2 on the list has failed repeatedly, sometimes you have no choice but to turn your head and make a face when he tries to kiss you.It’s really bitchy and princessy, and it could backfire, but if you want him to get the message that the damn thing scratches you, you might have to don the tiara and do it.

Or you could buy a packet of beads at a craft store and casually begin ZZ-Topping his chin while he’s watching TV.Hey, if you have to live with the beard, you get to decorate.

Hi Sars,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple of years, and just moved in together recently. We’re both in grad school and I really don’t have any other close friends besides him, which normally doesn’t bother me — I’ve never felt anything to be lacking. The relationship is just about perfect, except that I have a really hard time talking to him about certain things.

I had a hard time in college dealing with severe depression and anorexia/bulimia. I spent a lot of time in therapy and got my head back on straight just about the time we started dating. He has never had to deal with the “sick” me, and I don’t want him to — but lately I have been feeling blue again and can tell I am obsessing about stuff. This is not something I really want to discuss with him, because frankly I don’t think he would understand where it’s coming from and will take it personally or try to “fix” it and then get upset when it isn’t resolved overnight.

I’ve been considering going back to see my therapist a time or two again to figure out why I’m stressing without resorting to harmful behaviors. I mentioned this to Boyfriend last night when we were in bed and he basically said, “You don’t need a therapist, you have me. Talk to me.” Well, I can’t. I choke up, I can’t even articulate words, and then he gets upset and thinks I am hiding stuff from him. He is awesome and I know he means well but he thinks therapy is a lot of bunk and that depressed people should just “snap out of it” and can’t understand why I start crying for no apparent reason sometimes. I probably need the therapy to be able to talk openly with him, but I can’t talk to him about going back to therapy. Any suggestions, short of leaving mental health pamphlets laying around the house?

Thanks,
Eeyore

Dear Eeyore,

You don’t have to talk to him about going back to therapy in order to do it, which I think you should do regardless.He’s not required to get it or believe in it; if it helps you, go back and get the help.

Make an appointment, and when you’ve crossed that off your list, sit your boyfriend down and tell him exactly what you’ve written to me above — you have a lot of issues, and you don’t want to hide them from him, but he makes it a little difficult to open up to him.You’ll try your best to explain what’s going on, but he needs to get that he can’t “fix” you and that you don’t expect him to, that you need him to support you — and if that means understanding that you need therapy and not pressing the point, he should do that.

It’s a tough discussion to have with a guy who doesn’t “believe in” therapy, because people who don’t believe in therapy really don’t understand that they can’t substitute for a professional counselor no matter how well they know you or how much they love you; it’s not how it works.But try to make him see the difference, because if he really can’t and really doesn’t get it, it’s going to keep coming up in the future.Better to thrash it out now, for better or worse.

Sars,

A couple of Wednesdays ago, I had a house fire and lost almost everything, including our dog, fish and resident chipmunk. I’ve gotten over the initial elation of getting out alive (I was home alone and stupidly went to check why the smoke detectors were going off in the basement) and the secondary shock of having nothing and being homeless. I’ve even accepted the fact that we will be living off the kindness of strangers (and friends) for months to come, as we didn’t have nearly enough insurance to cover our losses.(My advice to you and your readers — double your insurance today! It is NEVER, EVER enough.)

However, what I can’t get over is people’s reaction to this event.Specifically, the reaction (or lack thereof) of my best friend.”BFF” and I were inseparable in college, but took vastly different roads post-college. I got a low-level job, married and had a baby.She stayed single and climbed the career ladder. I think we were both jealous in some ways of one another — she wanted the stability of marriage and I wanted the freedom of being single.

BFF and I always stayed in touch, but I felt that I had to make the effort to keep us in touch. I would call and if I got her, all was great and it was like no time had passed.However, if I only left a message, there would be no communication until I called again. Still, it was a friendship I wanted to hold onto.

When I got engaged, she was the first one I called and then I asked her to be my maid of honor. Shortly after college, she was diagnosed with a medical problem and I flew down the next day to be with her during a procedure she had to have.When she was having a particularly stressful time at work, I sent her a dozen roses and a Vermont Teddy Bear.And on and on. We’d talk every few months, but haven’t seen each other for over three years and that was after another three-year break. (By the way, we’re eight years past college.)She’s never met my daughter or been to my house — even though we had made plans several times.The two or three calls I’ve placed to her over the last few months haven’t been returned.

Fast forward to the fire.The day after, when I’m still upset and raw about the whole thing, I gave her a call.As soon as she picked up and realized it was me, she said that she had been meaning to call me and that she had gotten engaged the month before. Wow!I congratulated her and asked all the girly questions and squealed when she told me the details. Then she said she had to run and would call me back.That’s when I told her my phone was no longer working, as I had lost it in the fire. To her credit, she did spend a few minutes on the phone with me to sympathize and ask questions before she hung up. However, since then, there has been nothing from her.No calls to my cell, no emails to work, no anything. (And, yes, she has both my cell phone number and my work email address).

Sars, I think I’m done with this friendship. Or maybe this friendship has been done with me for quite some time and I’m just not seeing it.I’m just not sure. Am I being too hasty and making a bad decision in the wake of a personal tragedy?Or has the writing been on the wall and I’ve just been too blind to see it?

Thanks,
Slightly Singed

Dear Singed,

The wake of a personal tragedy is, unfortunately, when a lot of other things in your life tend to become very clear.In your case, among other things, it’s that BFF isn’t all that interested in your life.From what you’ve told me, it’s not exactly news, but you do hope in situations like this that folks who have sort of phoned it in of late will rise to the occasion — but BFF didn’t.

It’s disappointing, but it would have come to this with her sooner or later.You can’t rely on her the way you’d like to, and it’s time to stop thinking you can.Don’t declare that you’ve had it; it’s unnecessary aggro, and you’ve got enough to deal with.Just don’t put the effort in with her anymore, because you never get that effort back.Let her go.

[11/7/03]

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