The Vine: November 8, 2000
Dear Sarah,
I have been dating this great guy for the past year and a half, and I have reached a dilemma.
“Ted” and I have almost everything in common: religion (rather, lack thereof), children (nonexistent desire for any), money (we both make heaps of it) – you get the picture. He is everything I have ever wanted, except (big, heavy sigh) he thinks he should be “free” to have sex with anyone he wants – and I, conversely, that I should too.
Now, the truth is, he has only had a total of three girlfriends in his life (I’m the third) and I have had a few (ahem) more than that. (Okay, like exponentially more, but who’s counting?) I can understand his curiosity, and the fact that we are not married and in all probability never will be. That’s fine. But when I even think about him with someone else, I feel such pain inside that it’s like an icy-cold stab wound that makes me want to vomit. I have tried dating others during this year-and-a-half relationship with Ted, but right in the middle of the date with Mr. NewGuy I think about how much more fun it would be with Ted, how much not like Ted this Mr. NewGuy is, how Ted does NOT eat spinach in that way, et cetera et cetera.
Ted knows how I feel, but it does not change his desire for “freedom.” He says he loves me and will never leave me, that my pain in this is only my own insecurity, and that anything he does with anyone else would not really “mean” anything. I told him I thought that would be cruel to whoever he did it with – as well as to me. And I told him that whenever he does do that, it means the end of our relationship.
What do you think? Am I being a stupid bink to stay with guy? Should I go back out into the harsh world of dating and risk ending up with someone who is not as compatible and will, in all likelihood, cheat on me anyway and then lie about it?
In a nutshell, if you were me, what would you do in this situation?
Auntie Maim
Dear Maim,
Let me get this straight: you think so little of the guy that you believe he couldn’t get another woman if he tried…you judge him completely on outward appearances although you claim to love him for his personality…even though he knows that he’s hurting your feelings by insisting on an open relationship, he keeps not only insisting on it but also patronizingly dismissing your feelings as “insecurity”…and you have elected to stay in this situation for a year and a half?
For God’s sake, stop kidding yourself and get out of this thing. Ted might care for you in a stunted, pathetic, emotional-toddler kind of way, but he’s also looking over your shoulder for someone better to come along. You should have rolled your eyes and cut him loose months ago, but instead, you’ve chosen to stay, and to hope that he doesn’t find a woman he likes better than you. That’s not love. That’s criminally low self-esteem, as evidenced by your comment that you think any man you get together with in the future will just cheat on you anyway.
Ted’s had plenty of chances to commit to you fully; he’s taken exactly none of them. He’s an arrogant turd, and he doesn’t love you. Take the hint, dump his ass, and find a therapist who can help you figure out why you think you don’t deserve better.
Tags: boys (and girls)
