Sars,

If it were my advice column (which, admittedly, it’s not), I wouldn’t be so quick to encourage “A Grateful Reader” to a do-or-die confrontation with her husband.

First of all, there are lots of physical issues that can lead to decreased libido in men. Before adding one more pressure to this guy’s life by threatening to leave him, I’d encourage Grateful to get her husband to a doctor for a full work-up. My husband suffered from fatigue and unexplained weight loss for a year after our first child was born. To be honest, I didn’t notice at the time — I was so busy with the new baby and my job. I thought he was just being a wimp. It turned out he had a cardiac condition that was causing unpredictable and very scary heart palpitations, which led to anxiety and depression. It took six months and several specialists before he was diagnosed, but getting the physical stuff under control also controlled the anxiety and depression without medication.

My read on Grateful’s husband is that he sounds depressed, and it’s manifesting itself in his fatigue, lethargy and lack of interest in sex. Sometimes therapists will pick up on it, but sometimes they won’t, especially in couple’s therapy where one person’s issues can tend to dominate.

And who can blame him for being overwhelmed? Three kids in five years of marriage, a job and a demanding wife? (Yeah, I know that Grateful also has three kids, a job and a high-maintenance husband, but women seem to handle this stuff better, in my experience.)

I’m rambling, but I think that your advice was a little harsh. Being willing to give up on a marriage is huge, especially when kids are involved. I’d encourage Grateful to consider what she would want her husband to do to help her if the situation were reversed.

Thanks for letting me put in my two cents.
Been There, Done That, Still Married

Dear Been There,

Well, maybe you’re right, but it doesn’t sound like there’s a physical problem there.He works out quite assiduously, as Grateful mentioned…and I just assumed, in the course of discussing the problem and going to couples counselling multiple times, that that particular possibility would have already been dismissed.Maybe that’s a wrong assumption, but if he does have a physical problem, he’s not admitting it, and that’s a problem too.See, it isn’t the low libido that’s troubling per se.It’s that Grateful’s made so many allowances for him, and he doesn’t seem to care.Maybe he just doesn’t dig sex that much, but if that’s the case, again, he’s not saying so either way.That’s what’s so frustrating to her.Whatever’s going on, he’s not letting Grateful make an informed decision.

Leaving him is indeed a drastic solution.It’s not Grateful’s only choice.She can accept the marriage as it is, for what it is, and avoid any more frustration and heartbreak that way.She can wait and hope that the situation improves (although it’s my sense that, in its current configuration, it’s not going to).You’re exactly right that I was harsh, but I thought that the letter warranted it.I don’t necessarily think she should leave him, but I do think she needs to start shaking things up somehow so that these issues get dealt with, because that’s not happening right now.If it takes me saying, “Dump his ass,” well, she doesn’t have to do that, but maybe a stranger saying it will light a fire under her ass — or his, whatever works.

As for the “three kids and a demanding wife” thing — whatever.That’s a choice he made with his life, same as she did.If he doesn’t like it, he needs to say so or get out, not punish her with his apathy.

I think — okay, I know that my boyfriend has a drinking problem.We’ve been dating almost two years, about a year of that long distance (I’m in school across the country from him and we see each other every month or so).

He can have a drink at dinner, then stop and be fine, but there are also times when he gets really drunk, and gets some horrible combination of angry and maudlin.At that point, he hurls accusations my way — about issues I suspect bother him otherwise, but that he doesn’t talk about until he’s loaded.Needless to say, when he’s yelling there’s no reasoning with him; then he goes to sleep, wakes up in the morning and tells me how he feels horrible.This scenario has happened three times.If it was just yelling that would be one thing — it is the alcohol that goes with it that freaks me out.Some of his close family are alcoholics, as are some of mine.

I do love him and I don’t want to have to deal with this kind of behavior from him.Part of me says I should just leave; another part says we should go to some relationship counseling and see if we can work things out.I want to bring up his drinking (his other friends have mentioned to me that they see the same problem), but as stupid as it sounds, I’m loath to ruin our brief times together, and I’m scared that I’m doing something to enable or contribute to the situation. I just feel like I’m in some crappy movie about all of this.Suggestions?

Hopeful for a solution

Dear Hopeful,

The drinking and the verbal abuse aren’t already ruining your brief times together?

You have to talk to him.You have to tell him that you won’t tolerate the yelling anymore, that if he has a problem with you or the relationship he can bring it up calmly when he’s sober, and that he can save the apologies because the next time he opens fire on you is the last time.

Of course, tell him also that you love him so much and you worry about him and you don’t want to see the issue blossom into a full-blown problem and maybe he should think about quitting booze.You don’t have to threaten him or give him an ultimatum if you don’t feel comfortable doing that, but I think you should draw a line demarcating what you’ll put up with, not for him but for yourself.Where you draw it is up to you, but you have to respect yourself enough to enforce it, because every time he acts up and apologizes and gets forgiven, that sends him a message, to wit: “You can get drunk and be a dick, and I’ll let you get away with it, so just keep doing it, because I won’t say anything to you about it.”Do you want to send that message?Or do you want to send one more like “I love you, and I will support you if you decide to get help, but you can no longer use alcohol — or anything else — as an excuse to treat me like crap”?

You can’t control his behavior, but you can control how it affects you.

[11/8/01]

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