Dear Sars,

I really feel strongly about Concerned’s question [Oct. 24], as it could have been
written by any of my friends about me a few years ago.That being said,
your advice was right on.Not being judgmental is the most important piece
of advice necessary to a friend of a person who’s been raped.Six years
ago, when I was 21, I was raped by an acquaintance, got pregnant, and had an
abortion.Three months later, my 13-year-old sister was raped by a 21-year-old friend of the family, and three months after that, my 18-year-old brother
was beaten to a bloody pulp (mysteriously, my sister’s perpetrator predicted
this would happen if she ever told).I had a helluva bad year.Coming from
a family who only fought when wet towels were left on the bedroom floor, I
was emotionally sound to begin with, and the prospects for “recovering” were
good.That didn’t make it any easier.

Many survivors of rape react by sleeping around.As anti-healing as this
may be, here were the reasons I did it:

1)Sex isn’t a big deal.If it’s not a sacred thing and I can do it with
whomever, then the rape takes on less importance.
2)What if I say no, and they don’t listen.If I don’t say no, then I
won’t get raped again.
3)I can avoid real relationships, while still being “intimate” with
another.

Those were mine, and to tell you the truth, I didn’t know that was why I was
doing it until I stopped sleeping around and got counseling years later.My
friends, thankfully, never said “boo” about my behavior.Being a slut did
not make me feel better.Being raped makes you feel icky and gross.If my
friends had pointed out my misgivings, I would have felt ickier and grosser
than I already did.They were there for me, they listened when I cried,
held my hair when I puked in the toilet after drinking myself into a
slobbering, sobbing mess.And sometimes they kept their distance.I was
too self-absorbed to notice.I recommend this to Concerned, as well.
Essentially, you can be there until you are blue in the face, but it is not
your life.I was too much, too sad, too self-destructive for them to handle
me all of the time.Make sure you don’t get so caught up in your friend’s
tragedies that you begin to feel depressed, too.Step back and know that
you are a great friend for wanting to be there, and you are better
emotionally equipped to be a great friend if you don’t get “sucked” into the
sorrow.I didn’t intentionally “suck” people in, but rape is horrible,
horrible, horrible, and sometimes a good friend just can’t help it.

When people get into a car accident and, say, break their legs, they go to
the hospital.They get flowers and get-well cards.They usually get time
off work to heal.They go to a physical therapist to get better.Everyone
around is supportive and knows exactly what’s going on.They are given
time.This is not the same with rape.I went to class the day after I was
raped, and worked, and nobody knew, and time passed and I told a few people.
If you’ve been in a terrible accident you can say to just about anyone,
“I’ve been in a terrible accident!”Most people would be sympathetic.This
is not the same with rape.

Annie didn’t swallow a bottle of pills.She is a survivor, and knowing
people like you are on her side, she will make it.That being said, there
are STDs to worry about.And they could, sadly, kill her.That’s just the
plain truth.Here is one last bit of advice, and you’ll have to be very
careful with this one.

When my promiscuous behavior began, I lived with three
roommates in a college dorm.One night we were all joking around, and “we”
decided to keep a music box in the common area with condoms.All of the
other girls had boyfriends, and the joke would be that we all knew someone was
getting laid when the music played.Being in a self-destructive pattern, I
would never have gone and bought condoms.But thanks to the girls, they
were always there, and I used them.I never asked if this was intentional.
I don’t really care, because it worked.Maybe you don’t live with Annie, but
could you and the girls have a get-together…slumber party…lingerie
party?Give out condoms as door prizes.Something along those lines.You
know her best.And I wouldn’t tell anyone your intentions, but if she’s got the
condoms, she’s more likely to use them.

I wish all of the best to you and Annie.Healing takes time and little
steps.Writing this today was healing for me.You can’t make it happen,
but it will.I truly, truly, believe that the son of bitch will get his
from the Karma Police.

Sincerely,
I’m a survivor

Dear Survivor,

Thanks so much for your insights.

It’s a fine line between expressing concern for a friend and seeming to judge her behavior, and your friends found a way to walk that line — they made support available, but didn’t press it on you, and that’s the way Concerned should probably go with Annie.

Dear Sars,

I’ve wanted to write you on several different occasions, but I’ve always talked myself out of it.Still, I admire your ability to give people no-nonsense advice, and I believe that you can help me.

So here’s the thing: I’m all messed up.Not original, I grant you, but there it is.How?Myriad ways.The one that I am writing to you about is that I was sexually abused as a child, and I have a great deal of trouble with all of my relationships as a result.For one thing, I want to tell my parents, but I cannot.The person who abused me is a family member whom we are very close to, and I would ruin my family if I told; I couldn’t live with that.I can’t even confront him, and just thinking about doing so scares me so much I can hardly breathe.I wonder: what if he doesn’t remember doing that to me?What if the single most defining event in my life didn’t register with him?I am not making this into any sort of love or romantic relationship, because it wasn’t at all, but what if I WASN’T EVEN IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO BE REMEMBERED AS HIS VICTIM?Also, what if he gets angry with me?I don’t want that; we’re good friends.But what about my relationship with myself?How can I be friends with someone who abused me for at least seven years?Shouldn’t I hate him?What’s wrong with me?

And that brings me to my relationships with my friends.I would say that until I got to college, I didn’t really have any.Sure, I had a group of terrific people who I hung out with and liked to be around, but I’m not sure that I allowed them to be my friends.I allowed (even encouraged) them to open up to me, but told them very little in the way of personal information, and usually avoided having guests over my house.I didn’t realize how different I’d become while at college until my “home friends” all started to comment on how different I was, and how they all felt like they learned more about me in the summer after my first year at school than they had the whole time we’d grown up together.

And men?I like them — a lot.And they like me, too.I just don’t know how to relate to them.I know that people find me to be very physically attractive, but I’ve never dated anybody.The combination of being a dork in high school and going to a single-sex college have made it very easy for me to avoid dating.On one hand, I want to be able to date somebody and experience the closeness that I’ve seen in couples, but on the other hand, I am very afraid of men and of what they can do to hurt me.I almost started to date a guy from home last semester, but a combination of him being indecisive and me getting cold feet took care of that.I just don’t want to end up alone.I guess it might seem stupid for a 20-year-old to worry about that, but I do.I don’t want to be unlovable.It’s just that I’ve done so much in my life to protect myself from further harm, and I can’t just change, even if I want to.

I have cut myself off from so many of the people around me in an effort to protect myself from any sort of pain.I still have trust issues with everyone.I doubt my own self-worth.I don’t understand why people like me, and I honestly expect everyone to get sick of putting up with me and leave me alone.I have the greatest group of friends here at school, and it hurts me just to think that maybe one day they will all get fed up and leave me.As much as I have learned to be more open, there is still so much of me that I can’t share, and I’m afraid that if I did, they would understand how dirty I am inside and not want anything to do with me.

Last year, I took a big step and joined a six-week-long support group for survivors of sexual abuse; it really helped me to see that there are other women who struggle with the same things that I struggle with.I think I made a lot of progress in that period of time, but I know that I have a lot farther to go.I think about going to therapy, and my school offers free counseling, but I don’t like either of the counselors we have, and I know that it’s important to have a rapport with a therapist.I think that my parents’ insurance covers therapy, but that would involve telling them why I need it, and I can’t do that.Please help me.I just don’t want to hurt so bad anymore.

Thanks,
Stunted

Dear Stunted,

Give yourself a little credit.You realize that you have a lot of issues to work through, and you’ve taken steps to get started — and given the issues in question, I think you ought to pat yourself on the back for sacking up and trying to face them.It’s not easy, but you’ve made a beginning.

I think that’s the problem.(Well, not really, but it’s part of the solution.Hold on, I’ll get to that.)Now that you’ve taken a few steps in the direction of improving your life, you see how many steps you have left and how much effort they’ll take, and the walk seems utterly exhausting and painful, and certainly nobody would blame you for staring at the road like, “Oh, Jesus.No way can I do this.”

You can do it, though.Yes, a lot of it is going to suck, but in the long run, it’s going to get you the happiness you deserve, and you can do it.You’ve survived years of abuse; you’ve gone through most of your life all alone with nobody to help you carry the weight of what’s happened.You have the core strength to do it.

The trick, I think, as with so many things, is to take it one step at a time.Put the issue of telling your family aside for now and focus on finding a good therapist or counselor that can help you tackle that.Can you find another support group like the one you mentioned, one that’s longer-term, more permanent?Do you have any resources besides the ones on campus that you can use — local chapters of national support groups, or low-cost counseling centers?Start there.Find a supportive environment where you feel comfortable dealing with what happened to you.Work on your self-esteem; work on a plan for coming to terms with your family.

But in the meantime, try to have faith.I can’t imagine how hard it is, but try.Believe that you will get through it.Believe that everything will get dealt with in time.Believe that you deserve to resolve your issues and feel good about yourself, and believe that it will happen, because you do and it will.It’ll take time, but you’ll get there.

Hi Sars,

So here is my problem. My boyfriend (long-term, living together, hunky dory, et cetera) and his sister have trouble getting along. They don’t hate each other or act out their aggressions physically or anything like that, but when they are together, they bicker most of the time. Both lovely people, he is very practical and logical, and she is very emotional and often dramatic. That, combined with the fact that they are stuck in an somewhat childlike “older brother/younger sister” relationship (they are about three years apart, both in their twenties) creates friction. She feels really bad because she wants them to be friends. He hasn’t said so, but I think that he can’t get past seeing her as “the annoying little sister” and someone he has to protect. In short, she is always trying to prove herself to him, and I think he wishes that she would just grow up (he is sort of the caretaker of the family, something he sometimes, understandably, regrets, although he never shirks his responsibilities).

I’m sure they both wish that the relationship was better, but they just can’t seem to communicate very well. Neither one is normally hostile (in general). I stay out of it as much as I can, but I’m the type of person who wants everyone to be happy, so I’m trying to help the situation. They don’t see each other very often (maybe once a month or so?), so I just wish they’d be more civil when they are together.

I know that there isn’t a clear-cut question in there, but do you have any advice on how I can help the situation?

Worried someday sister-in-law

Dear Someday,

Yep.Stay out of it.It’s good of you to want to help, but the push-pull sibling crap you describe began many moons before you came on the scene, and it’s up to the two of them to deal with it or not as they see fit.

If the bickering makes you actively uncomfortable, or ruins an occasion, then I think it’s within your rights to speak to your boyfriend about it, but don’t try to analyze him; confine yourself to remarking that you wish the two of them wouldn’t snipe at each other quite so much in front of you, because you don’t know where to look when they start in on each other.

Beyond that, keep your thoughts to yourself.I know it’s annoying, but it’s twenty years’ worth of behavior patterns at work, and those patterns have nothing to do with you.

[11/8/02]

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