Sars,

I also am a copy editor/page designer for a newspaper. If “Hit” is working
in a newsroom, and the newspaper follows Associated Press style, he/she
should have an Associated Press stylebook and the latest edition of
Webster’s New World Dictionary. If there’s a question on spelling or usage
in the newspaper, if you can’t find it in the AP stylebook, you’re supposed
to refer to Webster’s. What the AP says, goes, even if it contradicts what
Webster’s says. There’s a reason it’s called the journalists’ bible.

A fellow journalist

Dear Journo,

Thanks — the house style guide is just as important as having a dictionary to hand, so she should see what the ruling book is and get a copy of the latest edition.More dictionaries appear below; responses I got more than once are asterisked, as always.

The AP style guide*
The New Oxford American Dictionary
The Chicago Manual of Style, 15th edition, or online*
Webster’s New World College Dictionary, 4th edition*
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language*
Merriam-Webster’s 11C*
Merriam-Webster’s 10C*
The Garner (amen to that)
Amy Einsohn’s Copyeditor’s Handbook
Random House 2nd unabridged
Webster’s Third New International Dictionary
Strunk & White

m-w.com
onelook.com

Dear Sars,

This is a kind of embarrassing problem, and I’m not sure quite how to put it. My problem sort of stems from one individual incident, but is related to a bunch of other stuff connected to the way I act around guys when I’m drunk.

The individual incident is this: a couple of weeks ago I went out with this guy. I drank a lot and basically ended up having horrible, seedy, unprotected sex with him. I cringe just thinking about this. This man was someone I’d never have went near (let alone had sex with) if I was sober, and this incident has made me feel really bad about myself. I keep thinking about that night, and the stuff I did when I was drunk — at one point, walking around a public place pretty much naked, hitting on random people near to me, the stuff I let him do to me and the stuff I said to him, the reactions of the (more sober) people around me. When I was drunk it seemed fine, funny even, but now I just feel like an idiot. I’m really embarrassed, but also really ashamed.

I’d love to be able to say that this is a one-off, but it’s not really — I have had unprotected sex with other men after I’ve been drinking. I’m really, really worried about this. I’ve never had an AIDS test, and am awaiting the results of a more general STD check. (I intend to arrange to get an HIV test in about six weeks.) I feel like such an idiot. I keep thinking about how I could have HIV (especially since a couple of the guys I’ve slept with sleep around a lot) and how pointless it was to risk getting that for something which I didn’t enjoy, with people I didn’t like.

For the last fortnight I’ve been worrying about how I might have HIV a lot, and I can’t enjoy anything else with this worry at the back of my mind. I should know better not to have unprotected sex, and I can’t believe I’ve done this again. I feel like an idiot for not insisting that he used a condom, and feel really used too, which is stupid as I didn’t exactly say no at the time. I know I shouldn’t drink so much, but I really enjoy it when I’m not doing stuff like that — I’m quite a shy person, and it helps me talk to new people. This is probably a very confused and rambling email, but basically I was hoping that you could give me some advice on how to stop worrying so much about whether I have HIV or not in the few weeks before I take this test and find out for sure.

Also, I
seem to have little willpower when it comes to alcohol and men. I want to stop drinking so much that I get into the state I was a couple of weeks ago, and I’m not sure how to do this. I’ve resolved to do this before and ended up drinking again. Ditto with having unprotected sex. I don’t know why I keep doing these things when
they make me feel so bad afterwards. I’m really stressed, worried, unhappy and ashamed right now, and any advice would be appreciated. Sorry if this letter is a little rambling, thanks for reading it.

Even less coherent when drunk, amazingly

Dear Less,

Everything in this letter, every problem, every anxiety, comes back to one central issue: you don’t like yourself and are not comfortable in your own skin.You don’t “enjoy” drinking; you need it to function socially, to overcome your shyness, and your shyness is actually an assumption that you have nothing of any worth to offer people except outre behavior and sex.

This is the bad news.The good news is that you are far from the first person who couldn’t separate her self-esteem challenges from booze and sex, and who got into a bit of a vicious circle with the drinking to feel more like herself, the acting out while drunk, and the shame and flagellating herself afterwards.It’s as old as the hills, that cycle of drinking to forget that you feel exposed and less-than all the time, then feeling even more so after getting loaded.I’ve done it myself; lots of people have.

The other part of the good news is that you’ve reached the perfect juncture to do some serious self-examination and start making some changes for yourself — not because you’re a bad person with weak self-control, although I sense that that will be your first conclusion, but because you aren’t happy.You should like yourself more; you will be a happier person for it, and you will spend less time berating yourself (and fighting hangovers) if you can dig down, now, today, into what’s really going on and starting to get straight with yourself.

The drinking is a symptom of a larger problem.You should get some counseling, if you can — regular therapy or alcohol-abuse therapy.I don’t think you’re an alcoholic, but you have some drinking patterns that are not healthy and substance-abuse counselors will get right to the heart of that with you.

What you’re doing right now, the way you medicate yourself to face the world, isn’t working.You realize that; the threat of having exposed yourself to STDs or worse (disease is not the only danger to you if you’re inebriated and getting naked) has forced you to take stock.Try not to take the familiar path and drink again.See a professional and talk about these issues.Keep a journal; get honest with yourself about why you drink and why you perpetuate this cycle with yourself.

You’re not a bad person.You’re not dumb or slutty or any of those other negative labels you’re tempted to put on yourself.You’re just confused and don’t have the tools to deal with it.Go get the tools.

Hi, Sars.

There’s this guy.Well, there was — past tense.Hence the problem.

My ex-boyfriend and I dated for eight months.It was the first time
I’d ever been in love, which, at 25, puts me way behind, but what’re
you gonna do.I’d never dated anyone I really liked before, and I had
been crushing on him from a distance for months when he asked me out,
so I pretty much fell for him instantly.Problem was, he never fell
in love with me.He always liked me, enjoyed spending time with me,
enjoyed sleeping with me, and cared about me, but was never in love
with me in any romantic sense.He told me this after a few months,
but I couldn’t pry myself away from him and stuck around until he
finally put an end to our pathetic and depressing excuse for a
relationship a couple of months ago.

So it’s over, and it’s good that it’s over because it was a mess.My
question is, what now?How do I deal with this?I was suicidally
depressed for a couple of weeks right afterward, but I’m in therapy
and I’m on medication and dealing with the loss better now.But I’m
desperately lonely, and I miss him so much.

Part of the problem is that he’s one of only two close friends I have
in this city, and my other close friend is my roommate, of whom I see
plenty already.So the ex and I have continued to hang out, at least
once I could see him again without bursting into tears.Every Friday
night we go out for drinks; I see almost as much of him as I did when
we were dating.Once since the breakup the drinks developed into sex,
but we both agreed that, pleasant as it was, it wasn’t healthy and we
should stay sober enough in the future to avoid it recurring.That
doesn’t stop me from bringing him back to my apartment every Friday
night — we talk until early morning, when I suggest that he stay and
he gently assures me that he needs to get home.

So it’s obviously not a great idea to keep spending so much time with
him, but if I stop seeing him altogether my social life will pretty
much consist of getting drunk at home and watching television with my
roommate, who’s something of a hermit.I’m an introvert myself, and
don’t have any social circle to speak of.And the idea of just not
seeing him anymore is so painful that I can’t face it.

But I know that people get their hearts broken all the time, and
eventually get over it.My question is, how?Should I start dating
lots of other people?I’d love to find somebody else, but considering
that it took me 25 years to find him, it’s hard to be optimistic about
my chances in that regard.I also don’t really know how to start with
the dating; I’ve done online matchmaking (universally a disaster),
but where else do you meet new people in a small city?I’ve tried to
find some grand passion for something else in my life, some great
calling, but next to him everything else seems pale and bland.So
what do I do?

I Can Only Lavish So Much Attention On My Cat Before I Get Weird

Dear Lav,

Stop spending time with your ex.Any time at all.Cut him off.

“But I don’t –“I know that.Stop spending time with him.”But who will I –” Doesn’t matter.Stop spending time with him.

He doesn’t love you.You are still in love with him, and because of this, coupled with the fact that you had never been in love before, you have zero perspective — “everything else seems pale and bland” this, “I have no other friends” that.I have been there, and I have felt that, and I will not sit here and try to tell you that moving on is fun, because it isn’t.It sucks.You feel completely abandoned.But…it ends.You do move on.You do meet other people, develop crushes on actors, have good times without him.

I’m an introvert and an extrovert both — love spending time with people, also need a lot of alone time — so my ways of dealing with this kind of thing will be different from yours, but even if he’s the last guy on earth, you need to get away from him for a while and stop reminding yourself that you can’t have him and that he’s so awesome and perfect and whatever else you can’t get any distance from when you spend all your social time with him.You say you don’t have any other “close” friends except your roommate — do you have any acquaintances you could ask out for a drink or invite over for a game night?Do you work, or study, with anyone you might develop a friendship with?Forget dating right now; you’re not in the headspace for it.Just find some other ways to pass the time.Join a knitting group or take piano lessons or become a volunteer — something, anything to get out of the house on a regular basis, meet some new people, and get into an activity that’s more rewarding than obsessing over this guy and how he’s your last hope.

He isn’t.Nothing against him, but this situation isn’t healthy for you, and in order for you to fully get that, you need to cut him off, today.You know this.You haven’t done it because you think you can’t, but: you totally can.It’s hard, but you can do it, and you have to do it, and once it’s done, you will feel better.Let yourself cry and feel depressed, while understanding that that part will end, that you will be okay, that in order to bounce back from this and find someone else someday, this is a necessary part of the process.

But: today.Do it today.Start moving on.

[11/8/06]

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