Sars,

There’s this boy. We’re from the same smallish town, so I’ve known him since we were about five or six, though we were never really friends, just passing acquaintances, at most. In high school, we had a couple of classes together, namely an English class in which we discovered a common fondness for Douglas Adams. The boy in question had written a short story in the same style, and it was fairly entertaining. That was about the extent of our relationship. Then we graduated and didn’t talk for a couple of years. He sent me an email out of the blue last January, and we started talking, and hung out a few times. Platonically, I assumed, since the boy had never had a girlfriend, and i assumed he wasn’t going to try and start with me… Ha.

A few weeks ago, we went somewhere for the afternoon, and had just gotten into my car on the way home when he starts shaking, hyperventilating, and generally exuding the air of one going into a seizure. I offered some water. He wobbled his head and made a gurgling noise. Eventually he got out a sentence about feelings and looked at me hopefully. Er…what?

It turns out the boy has had some sort of long, weird crush on me since the 11th grade, which, I might add, was five years ago, including four years during which he didn’t see/hear/speak to me at all. That entertaining short story? A strange 16-year-old way of trying to get into my favor. He seems to think that since we had similar taste in reading material back in high school, I’m his only chance for happiness in life. Creepy.

In an effort to not hurt the boy’s feelings, I told him that, while I wasn’t desiring of a boyfriend at the time, I wanted to remain his friend. Or something similar. I can’t remember the exact wording, since what I wanted most at the time was for him to stop crying. I suspect that I may have misled him and given him hope of some sort, because lately, he’s been calling at an alarming rate (once an hour for several days at a time). My mother thinks I should talk to him. I just want to avoid him.

My birthday was last week. The boy gave me some awesome presents. I hugged him. His calls have increased. I’m not at home during the week, so I can successfully avoid him most of the time, but I know I need to do something. I don’t really want to have to deal with this boy anymore, but for some reason, I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Should I give my presents back and tell him I think he’s scary? Should I keep hiding until he gives up? I’m pretty sure this is all because the boy has zero social skills, and if he weren’t so oddly obsessed, he might be tolerable, but he is, so he’s not. Gaa! What should I do?

Too nice for my own good?

Dear Too Nice,

You probably did give him hope.You didn’t mean to, but sometimes, people don’t hear “I want to be friends” as a gentle brush-off, but rather as “…and maybe one day we’ll get together.”I think that’s what’s going on here.

It’s going to suck, but you have to tell him to back off, in so many words.You have to explain, gently but firmly, that there is no chance for a romantic relationship between the two of you.You have to tell him that the constant phone calls are creeping you out, and that they will stop, and that if he can’t respect your boundaries, you will cut him off.Make sure he understands what you’re saying.

I know you don’t want to hurt his feelings, and it’s not his fault that he has “zero social skills,” blah blah blah — but it’s that or keep ducking his calls, and believe me, that’s not going to help.

Dear Sars,

Here’s my problem: I’m a freshman in college, and I have a crush on a junior who is a teaching assistant in one of my classes.She’s also a lesbian.As far as I knew, I was a heterosexual, but now I’m wondering if I’m a bisexual or a lesbian.This is not the first time I’ve wondered about my sexual orientation; I always have wondered why I pay so much attention to how pretty other girls are and why I have such a deep admiration for certain girls, but I’ve never had a serious crush.Until now.I was at a concert tonight and I just couldn’t take my eyes off of “Mandy,” my TA.I’ve had a great admiration for her ever since I met her — I think she’s smart, funny, and very self-possessed.I just recently found out that she is a lesbian.

I have one close male friend here at college.We tried to have a romantic relationship but it didn’t work out, so now we are just platonic friends.We are incredibly close, but there does not seem to be any sexual chemistry between us.I also didn’t have a great deal of sexual desire for my last serious boyfriend, even though he had a great sexual attraction to me.

I come from an interesting family.My mother is a lapsed Catholic who has expressed distaste for alternative lifestyles, and my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are strict Jehovah’s Witnesses (imagine the Christian right, then remove Christ from the equation), not the most tolerant of people.My mom would accept me still if I came out, but she wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

I guess my question is, do I sound like a homosexual or bisexual to you?And should I act on these feelings, or should I just ignore them?

Confused Freshman

Dear Confused,

Short answer?Yes, I think so; yes, you should act on those feelings — or at least take a closer look at them.

Longer answer?Don’t get ahead of yourself.You don’t have to decide right now, based on your attraction to Mandy, if that makes you a lesbian or a bisexual.I think sexuality is pretty fluid anyway, and labels don’t help anyone sort out what they feel at first.Yeah, that’s easy for me to say as a straight woman, but that’s my belief.

In any case, before you worry about what Living As An Out-And-Proud Lesbian might entail, deal with what you feel right now.I don’t know if it’s appropriate for you to act on your attraction to Mandy at the moment, but I only say that because she’s your TA, so maybe you should wait until the end of the semester…but why not invite her out for a coffee then, and see what happens?

But I certainly don’t think you should ignore your feelings.If you’re a lesbian, you’re a lesbian, and there’s nothing wrong with that; if you find yourself attracted to women now, but later in life you prefer men, there’s nothing wrong with that either.Coming out as gay or bi will present some challenges, especially in light of your conservative family — but you will deal with those challenges in good time.You will find support for your choices.It’s confusing, but you’ll figure it out; just take it one day at a time and try not to let it overwhelm you.

[11/9/01]

Share!