Hi Sars, love your site.I have kind of an odd question for you.Back in the day I grew up on the same block as a Very Famous Author.He, like anyone who has some amount of fame, was a very private person and hardly socialized with the rest of us on the block.I was a pre-teen, so I didn’t really pay a lot of attention to his stuff anyway.It was just a part of our little world, and at that time, he was more of a local author rather than a famous author.

Recently I’ve rediscovered his writing and found it to be charming and insightful and generally a great read.And in some of his more obscure non-fiction essays, he mentions “the pack of kids on the block” — clearly our neighborhood, clearly our Li’l-Rascals-esque gang.Nothing big, just a passing mention or two, but, you know, how cool!

So I guess my question is this: I want to write him a letter; a basic fan letter saying “thanks for sharing your gift, oh dur, by the way I used to live down the block from you.”But I mean…should I even mention that?Does that sound creepy and stalkerish?If the positions were reversed, I think I’d be interested, but I ain’t famous.If I do mention it, would it even get read, or would some intern throw it away, or worse yet would they file it under “Nutjob.”(Maybe I should mention, this author’s work is very place-specific, and he mentions our hometown and neighborhood a hell of a lot.So somebody crazy might be all, “Ooo!I’m your neighbor!HI!Love me!”).Let me make it plain that I’m not looking for any response, but it would be neat if he read it, that’s all.

So Sars, any general advice?Just write a nice letter and send it off, or should I just forget it.Do you get fan mail?Does any of it freak you out?Does any compel you to smile or even write back?

Thanks!Hey, this could be a guide for your future legions of fans!

Sorry My Friend Peed on Your Lawn, Sir

Dear Sorry,

…”Future” legions?

Just kidding.I’d write the letter and send it off; I for one really appreciate — and respond to, and am not freaked out by — 95 percent of the fan mail I get.True, it’s nearly all email, which is a different thing, but you do develop a sense for when it’s just a person taking the time to say “good job” versus when it’s something a little more…overinvested, I guess is the way to put it.

If you’re not expecting a response, or to be best friends, I don’t see a thing wrong with dropping him a line.Writers like to hear that they’re doing their jobs well.

Hi Sars,

I’ve been working at the same company for a couple of years and in that time have been promoted through the ranks from lowly intern to full-fledged account executive. It’s a great job with great people but (you knew there was a but)…just not for me. After much thought, I’ve decided that I wish to fill up my hobo-sack and seek new frontiers.

The problem? The company is small and very close and basically, they only hire people who “fit” — so they don’t hire too much. The number of account executives fluctuates depending on how many people they can find who can work in the position, rather than the alternate model of having X number of positions and finding the best possible people for them. When I leave, there won’t be anyone who can directly step in and it’s very likely the position will be vacant for a while. My boss really thinks that I’m staying for the long haul and has expressed that explicitly to me. Also, he is just generally the kind of person who takes things really personally. I can deal with that but I just need to know how long I strap myself into the metaphorical pillary in Town Square — how many weeks notice do I give?

I know that two weeks is standard but this isn’t a standard kind of position because a) I won’t be able to train my replacement because they won’t hire one in two weeks, and b) I feel as though I’m breaking an implicit trust after building up this territory. It is the kind of job where the first year is more about building than earning and I’m punking out on the earning part. Hey, don’t get me wrong: I’ve earned my keep and then some in the last year. It’s just that I would very likely be making a ton more than that in years to come. I have a feeling it’s going to be hard to be around the office after I hand in my letter. My boss and I have become very close in the last two years and he is going to feel betrayed, I think.

Do I suck up the possible bad feelings and give more notice as a courtesy gesture? What if he gets made and asks me to leave before I had planned if I give more than two weeks? It’s not a big deal but I’m kind of planning on having my last paycheck in aforementioned hobo-sack, you know?

All the best,
She Works Hard For Her Money

Dear Works,

I’d go with the standard two weeks, mostly because it sounds like it could go either way — you end up staying for four weeks, or six, to train your replacement; or you get punted from the building toot sweet with a cardboard box under your arm.So, average it: two weeks.

You could always phrase your resignation as “two weeks (unless I can stay for another two weeks to assist in the search for a replacement).”The key here is not to offer them unlimited time over the two weeks out of guilt; if you really feel you should give them the option of more of your time, cap that time explicitly, and if your boss then wants six weeks, get that in writing and nail down your departure date right away.

Dear Sars,

I (obviously) have a problem that I am having a really hard time
dealing with, so I thought I’d throw it your way for a little
objectivity.It involves three people (let’s call them Asphodel,
Bertie, and Colletta) and a place (which we shall call Xenon).

I recently graduated from college.A few months before doing so, I had
absolutely no plans for my post-graduate life; I figured I’d move to a
city somewhere, get a job at a bookstore or something, sing jazz in
the evenings, and think about applying for grad school/teacher’s
college/the Peace Corps/whatever.

Asphodel, probably my best friend at college, suggested we move to
Xenon, where she knows a few people.I said sure, why not?It was
all the way across the country — far away from her parents, which is
key — I’d never really been there before, it seemed interesting
enough, and god knows my plans weren’t geography-specific.A couple
other friends (Bertie and Colletta) decided to come along — this was
becoming some kind of colonizing mission, and we were all really
excited.

So, after months of the four of us planning and looking on Craigslist
and talking about Xenon and how great it was going to be, I bought my
plane ticket and came out here.

And…nobody else is here.Colletta decided not to come unless she
gets a job interview first, Asphodel is forbidden to come by her
parents unless she gets a very specific kind of job, and Bertie won’t
come unless Asphodel does.

I’m supposed to be out here looking for a September lease for the four
of us in case everyone comes, but this is turning into me scouting out
one- through four-bedroom options.I’m here, I love Xenon, I have a
job that starts Monday, but I don’t know anybody here, and I was
counting on my friends being here.

Finally, Asphodel has some very nasty stuff going on at home that she
needs to get away from, and so there’s more at stake here than just my
loneliness.She’s getting more and more depressed and hopeless, and I
just don’t know what to do.On the one hand, she’s my best friend,
she’s in a really bad place right now, and I don’t want to give up on
her coming out here unless it’s absolutely necessary.On the
other…I’ve been trying to research jobs for her, give her lots of
(probably pretty bad) advice on how to get out here, and stay
relentlessly positive, but I’m nervous about me having a home in a
month (I’m staying in a sublet now).

At what point do I just give up on Asphodel, Bertie, and Colletta and
try to find my own place?How do I explain to real estate folks that
I may or may not be able to fill out their four-bedroom house without
hurting my chances at getting said house?And last but not
least…how do I do all of this without hurting Asphodel?

Thanks so much,
Guilt-wracked

Dear Guilt,

It’s good of you to try to put this together for your friends, but…it’s not really fair of them to expect you to take care of the housing situation when none of them has a firm plan for moving or employment.

Give the other three a bottom line: you need to know where they’re at with this relocation by X date, or you’re getting your own place, because you can’t live in this kind of flux waiting for them to get their shit together.You want them to come, you can’t wait for them to come, but…you can’t wait for them to come.You need to find a place to live, and you need to know who else will be living there.

You can continue to support Asphodel; one has nothing to do with the other.Keep encouraging her to make a break from home and join you, and if she has to live with you for a little while until she gets on her feet in Xenon, you can work with that — you’re there for her.But you can’t put your own shit on hold until hers gets sorted out; the world of rental apartments doesn’t really work like that.

Just let them all know that it’s go time.You don’t have to do it in an aggressive way; just say, hey, I need to make some decisions here and if you want any input, give it now.

Dear Sars,

Boyfriend and I have been dating for more than a year and a half.I love him, and he loves me.We’ve been through a lot together, and he’s stuck by me and been totally awesome for me in a hundred ways.

But.Sars, this kid deals with depression in the worst way.He’s got so much crap in his life that he’s not dealing with, and most of it is emotional pain that doesn’t seem to directly stem from anything in particular.I think he needs to see a counselor or a therapist of some kind, and he knows that I feel that way but he’s scared.I can understand that, but I still think he needs to go through with it.

Anyway, the main issue is that I’m one of his few close friends, and so I’ve been responsible for helping him through a lot of this pain.He feels really lonely and isolated, so he’ll tag along with me on whatever I’m doing, and want to hang out with me as much as he can since he feels like he doesn’t have many other people to hang out with.He’s a sweet kid with a great sense of humor, but he’s on the introverted side and when he’s in a bad mood, he just sits and sulks and doesn’t participate.No matter what I do or how much we talk and try to deal with stuff, he seems to be getting worse.

I’m overwhelmed, to be blunt.I know that I can’t give him the help that he needs, and I know that he needs to be seeing a professional for all of his depression (or whatever exactly it is).I care about him and I’m worried about him, but at the same time I can’t be responsible for all of his decisions and all of his emotional well-being anymore.

Is it selfish to break up with someone who doesn’t have anyone else to talk to?I’m afraid that if I leave him, he’s going to get worse and then he really won’t have anyone to confide in and to comfort him when he’s down.

I just told him all of this a few hours ago, and now I really need to make a decision.Any thoughts?

I need to be taken care of, too

Dear Need,

Well, first of all, you did tell him everything you just told me, so before you make any sudden moves, give him a day or two to process.See what he says; talk about the issue again.

When you do come back to it…I know it’s difficult to turn to someone you care about and say, basically, “I can’t put your needs before mine all the time anymore,” because it feels really hard-hearted and self-absorbed — but it isn’t.Supporting friends and boyfriends when they’re going through a rough time is part of having relationships with other people, of course, but when it starts to put you in a caregiver role instead of in the friend or girlfriend role, it’s too much, and it changes the dynamic.

I would just wait and see what he decides to do; don’t give him any ultimatums yet.You’ve made it clear that you need some relief in terms of being on duty with his depression all the time, and I think you have to let him figure out what that might mean for your relationship.If he won’t get help and things don’t improve, at the very least I think you need to set some boundaries socially, i.e. that you do need some time with your friends that isn’t spent babysitting him, so that part of it is going to have to stop.

But give him a chance to respond first.He’s had problems motivating in this regard, so make allowances for that (within reason) and don’t expect him to change overnight.Depression and anxiety are tough enough to uproot.

Dear Sars,

I believe your advice about friendships having a shelf life is right on the
money.My question is how do you handle your heart breaking as you watch a
friend grow apart and leave you behind?

I’m in the situation where one of
my oldest and dearest friends has moved on in her life.She has obviously
given up on our friendship for the most part.I am left still wanting her
friendship and companionship without much reciprocation.I am lonely and
sad and I miss her terribly.I email her and call occasionally.She
hasn’t responded to an email in about five months.When I do get her on
the phone, she extends polite chit chat, but rarely instigates real
conversation.This friend lives in another state and I haven’t seen her in
person in about a year and a half.

I understand that people change as the years go on.I can accept that she
is a different person now than when we were close.But I still miss her so
much it hurts.How do I learn to let go?

Missing my friend

Dear Miss,

I can’t offer you much in the way of counsel as far as the pain of the friendship ending goes, I’m afraid — it just hurts.You get past it, and it fades in time, but it does take time and I can’t really tell you different.

But I think you can speed up or ease that process for yourself by letting your friend go for real, because you’re not really “accepting” that the two of you have grown apart, even though you say you are.You keep calling and emailing her, hoping you’ll get a warmer reception, and you never do, and it just reopens the wound, so you need to stop doing that.She’s not into it anymore; continuing to feel that anew over and over again isn’t shit you need.You should start acting like the friendship is functionally over, not just because it is but because pretending otherwise is just not working for you.

So, stop trying.I know it’s hard and sad, but you will get to a place where you can look back on the friendship fondly.You’re not there right now, but the best way to get there is to start moving on.

[11/9/05]

Share!