The Vine: Novemberainbow 14, 2008
Dear Sarah,
My 27-year-old sister came out to me and the rest of our family recently. I think everyone’s dealt with it fairly well — we all asked a lot of questions at first and my sister was very open about her feelings and experiences.
Now that this has become a part of my life I’d like to learn more. I don’t know any gay people besides my sister and I was wondering if you could recommend some basic reading on the subject of homosexuality, in both women and men.
Thanks,
Mostly Clueless
Dear Most,
I commend you for wanting to learn more, to support your sister — but before I throw the question to the readers, I would caution you that, you know, LGBT people are just people, and books will not really help as far as learning how to deal with that, because you already know that.I mean, she’s still your sister, you love her, she’s part of your life,and you just have to give it time to settle and become less new and unfamiliar.
Not to discourage you or anything; I just think you feel a pressure here that, while it’s totally understandable, will probably ease on its own with time.
That said, dipping into gay cultural history is well worth doing on its own merits.You might start with a documentary or two — The Celluloid Closet, or The Times of Harvey Milk, which is timely if deeply sad — and then I’ll let the readers recommend other sources.I can’t name any offhand, but I know that essay collections exist where the authors address what it’s like to live in a majority-hetero world, what it’s like to hide (or not) in that world, and so on.
Bookwise, I can recommend Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys: True Tales of Love, Lust and Friendship Between Straight Women and Gay Men, and From This Day Forward: Commitment, Marriage, and Family in Lesbian and Gay Relationships, which is a window into how LGBT folks thought about these constructs 10 or 15 years ago (and which, full disclosure, is my cousin’s book).
Readers, do have any literature or movies or anything else to recommend for Most?
Tags: Ask The Readers popcult the fam
Stonewall, by Martin Duberman, is a pretty great history of the Stonewall Riot and the first Gay Rights March. Duberman interviewed six people for their experiences growing up, and how they became involved in the Gay Rights movement. Its especially great for learning about all of the different approaches and attitudes the that movement encompasses.
PFLAG is a good place to start. They have FAQs and “dos and don’ts” at this link: http://tinyurl.com/5m3e43
They also have some helpful brochures and booklets in their bookstore.
If Most likes YA lit, Nancy Garden is a good place. Actually, no matter the age…maybe reading at a younger level is like starting from the bottom of a deep well of information? If that’s true, even a book like _Heather Has Two Mommies_ could be a good place to start.
I can definitely recommend Lillian Fadermann’s _Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers_, for info on history of US/European lesbians in the 20th century.
Unfortunately, most books (that I’ve seen at any rate) focus *either* on lesbians *or* on gay men *or* on bi folk *or* on trans folk. So, you’ll be reading more than one source.
Not a bad thing, in my book.
I recommend reading Dan Savage’s works on his personal life just because they are really funny, and also because his books aren’t really about being gay per se, they’re just about family, love, and what that means.
The two I’d recommend are “The Kid” and “The Commitment.”
There is a classic book called “Now That You Know” which is a staple for the parents of gay children.
I was also going to recommend the Dan Savage books. They give you a great sense of both how normal gay relationships and families can be, and also some of the issues that gay individuals, couples and families face.
To me, it’s less important to be able to discuss the Stonewall riots and other history than it is to become comfortable with gay and lesbian people and relationships – to be able to gossip with your sister over a crush on a woman the same as you would with a man, to not react weirdly if she bring someone home for you to meet, etc. Books and movies that depict GLBT people in normal, everyday ways are probably helpful here, if you don’t know anyone who’s out except your sister.
Because you do know gay people, unless you have a *very* small family, professional and social network. You just don’t know they’re gay.
If you read those books, chances are you’ll know more about being gay then your sister does! I would suggest watching movies instead – they’ll give you a better idea of the friendships & culture that your sister might be involved in. Books tend to just give historical facts, which are definitely interesting, and more people should know about them…but that’s not really going to give you a good idea of what your sister is experiencing or going through.
One other thought – tomorrow, all over the country and even the world, there will be protests and rallies for gay marriage. If there’s one near you (www.jointheimpact.com), consider going. You don’t have to hold a sign or wave a banner or shout slogans. Just watching from the sidelines might help you get a sense of where the gay rights movement is in this country, emotionally. You’ll see gay parents with their children, gay couples, and straight friends and family members, and being surrounded by such a gay-positive attitude for a couple of hours could be a really great experience as you and your family process what this all means for your sister.
Timely! I just did a presentation on books for gay teenagers (not that Most is necessarily a teenager).
A great nonfiction book is the brand-new (2008) Gay America — a fantastic history of gay people in America, covering about the last 125 years, full of pics, diary entries, letters, etc.
My top ten novels for gay teens (but they would work for an adult sister of a gay person too) are:
Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist
Girl (the one by Blake Nelson)
Prep
Perks of Being a Wallflower
Boy Meets Boy
Pages for You
Gravel Queen
Absolutely, Positively Not!
The Manny Files
The Necessary Hunger
I agree with cv that hitting the “gay people are just normal folks!” angle is probably the most illuminating place to start. I recommend watching some movies before you move on to the potentially drier area of books. Several favorites of mine are A Touch of Pink (gay male; crazy-but-adorable Indian family), Latter Days (gay male; Mormon religious issues), and Better Than Chocolate (lesbian, bi, and transgender; unrated version has several [mild IMO] sex scenes, get the R rated version if you care). All qualify as romantic comedies, but are authentic in nature, not Hollywooding it up.
I’ll ABSOLUTELY agree on PFLAG, as it’s an organization set up for just this kind of purpose. Check out the site and consider joining up with a local chapter, if you have one.
As a queer woman myself, I didn’t have the greatest experience coming out to my family…just having a loved one who was curious enough to want to learn more would have meant a huge, huge amount to me. Make sure that your sister knows that you’re doing this; it’ll almost certainly be a welcome show of support. Besides, then you can find out what queer books/movies/etc. have been meaningful to her through her coming out process, and then check them out yourself.
I think it wouldn’t hurt to read some books aimed at gay women. Same Sex in the City: (So Your Prince Charming Is Really a Cinderella) by Lauren Levin and Lauren Blitzer is pretty awesome. Kissing Kate is a YA novel about a girl who kisses Kate is discovers her inner lesbian and it was fairly cute. Go to AfterEllen.com for many recommendations and reviews, along with women-centric blogging and plenty of articles that will make you think.
The movie Imagine Me and You is ok, about an adult woman who just got married and realizes she loves her wedding photographer (if I am remembering correctly). I don’t know if I thought the movie worked, because I ended up feeling really bad for the husband, but its a happy lesbian ending.
I also loved Dan Savage’s books. Recommended, though bring some hankies- I bawled.
In the line of “memoirs about the ordinariness of being gay,” consider the David Sedaris books too, which (though nonfiction) are organized as short-story collections, usually delving into his thoroughly unremarkable middle-class past. Often very funny, and by no means all the stories are about his being gay — which is part of the point, it’s all just life.
I’ll reiterate what Sars said re: letting yourself take a wee breath. You already know your sister; all that’s different now is a bit of context. You’ll look back at things she said or did with a new, deeper understanding, but at root, she’s still the person with whom you fought over whose music got played in the car and who got to sit in the front.
I knew gay people before my sister came out; she hid from herself much longer than she hid from the fam. After outing, there were a few bumps along the way as much as her not knowing how to navigate her new world as there were from us not knowing what to do with her. She was kind of defensive for a while until she saw that she heself got used to it and could just be herself. Which is totally understandable in the climate of that day. I’m guessing it’s a bit better these days, because there are so many of the Ellens and the Etheridges already out. But maybe not, depending on where you are, and you can take that into account as you go forward.
Regardless of whom she’s sleeping with, however, you are still allowed to be annoyed by her. That never changes. :)
The Plaid Adder’s piece, “The Fine Art of Being Come Out To: A Straight Person’s Guide to Gay Etiquette” hits all the basics and is howlingly funny besides. :) I read it a lot back in the ancient days when I was coming out to myself (awww, so long ago…).
The original website no longer exists, but there’s a mirror of the Etiquette Guide: http://tinyurl.com/5ndo3h
And kudos to you for supporting your sister. :)
I would recommend “Annie On My Mind” (which I read a zillion times in high school): http://tinyurl.com/6zgydt and “When I Knew” (which I have not read personally, but I gave it to a friend who enjoyed it): http://tinyurl.com/6anr4d.
If you’re from a Christian family, http://www.gaychristian.net has some great resources about being gay and Christian.
Oh, I definitely second the Plaid Adder recommendation!! She’s hysterical, and I remember the guide being excellent.
And as a queer gal myself, I’d say knowing the history is probably more that your sister might, but getting comfy with any gossip she might throw your way, and being down with current cultural references (know your gays in the media, and current Big Gay Issues like Prop 8 and stuff!) would be more to the point…and awesomely supportive. Knowing that I don’t have to ask, that my sister is *of course* against Prop 8, and voting for people who support me, even if my parents might need a little more convincing? That’s key.
Piggybacking off of Vyvyan: the Plaid Adder has a livejournal in which she often talks about same-sex family issues. There was a lot of political content this past election season, so you might need to wade through that a bit.
http://plaidder.livejournal.com
I picked up Queer 13 because a writing teacher of mine was one of the contributors. It’s full of great, first-person essays about being a queer (of any flavor) kid. Collections like this really reinforce that gay experience is as varied as any other kind of life AND just like everybody else’s adolescence in many ways.
Thank you Sars and everyone else for your suggestions. I’m making my list right now.
cv – I’m not in the US but I can see how an event like that could be a powerful experience.
Sars – I think The Times of Harvey Milk will be first on my agenda since it’s easier for me to get my hands on DVDs than books right now.
YA was not a direction I had thought of but it sounds like a great idea.
Vyvyan/meara – The introduction to the Plain Adder guide had me laughing – shall continue reading tomorrow.
Jen – I remember thinking how Imagine Me and You was a perfect romantic comedy. I was impressed how successful they were in showing how natural it was to have the happily-ever-after couple be two women.
Thanks everyone for your recommendations and supportive words.
I personally liked Andrew Sullivan’s “Love Undetectable” — though it’s more history than anything; it’s about his experiences being a gay man in the eighties and seeing a lot of his friends die of AIDS. But it’s very personal history.
I do think gay men’s and lesbians’ experiences tend to be somewhat different, so I wouldn’t assume everything you hear about gay men would apply to your sister ;). But really that’s just a more extreme case of what Sars said about the difference between a culture and an individual.
Oh! I suppose queer-culture music could be useful too. If you like singer/songwriter stuff I recommend Girlyman. Some of their song lyrics sort of address queer issues from sideways.
Rainbow Rights – it’s a history of gay rights Supreme Court cases that’s interesting and understandable even if you didn’t go to law school. It gives a good overview of the social battles gay people have fought in the 20th century and dicusses a lot of mistaken ideas about gay people that are widely accepted.
Add me to the list of people who would recommend checking out the local chapter of PFLAG.
I’d also recommend the book “Stonewall: The Riots That Sparked the Gay Revolution” by David Carter. It’s a fantastic history of the gay rights movement. http://tinyurl.com/6cuj79
Wow, I’m old. Just for a good read may I reccomend Rita May Brown’s Rubyfruit Jungle & then Southern Discomfort. They are (old) fiction & give you more of an idea of what the experience is like.
She’s still your sister.
Rita Mae Brown
Fannie Flagg
Noretta Koertge
I like “How Long Has This Been Going On?” by Ethan Mordden – it’s a novel that follows several gay individuals and couples from 1949 up until 1991. You’ll get a good sense of how attitudes toward being gay changed (or didn’t) over the course of those years, plus the characters are very interesting.
I actually found Alison Bechdel’s Dykes to Watch Out For collections some of the best windows into lesbian everyday life with a good dash of transgender and gay male experience thrown in for the heck of it. It definitely comes from a radical lefty perspective, but it’s simply brilliant.
AnotherKathleen, I’m old too – Rubyfruit Jungle was what popped up in my head, too. Good book!
Thanks for being a kind sister, Most.
Seconding Anun on “Dykes to Watch Out For.”
Alison Bechdel — the author of the excellent graphic memoir “Fun Home,” about her closeted gay father — is taking a break from drawing the strip to work on another memoir. But there’s a strip archive at her kick-ass website: http://www.dykestowatchoutfor.com/index.php. The link to the archive is on the right-hand side of the home page.
And here’s a link to Alison’s own coming-out story: http://www.oberlinlgbt.org/personal-histories/bechdel/. Though she came out when she was in college in the late ’70s-early ’80s, this strip presents thoughts and experiences that are pretty common, IMHO, to anyone who is about to come out or just has come out.
A Place At the Table, by Bruce Bawer. Awesome.
Count me in on the PFLAG banner. Also, talk to your sister. There’s no “How To” manual.
If she’s 27 years old and just came out she either 1) has been keeping this a secret from her family for a long time or 2) has been lying to herself for a long time.
If it’s 1, you may want to delve into why- especially if the fam is as cool with it as you say they are. If it’s 2) she probably just needs someone to treat her like a normal human being while she figures out how her life fits into it’s new definition.
PBS did a pair of documentaries some years back called “Before Stonewall” (1985) and “After Stonewall” (1999) – if you’re looking for a good overview of the history of the gay rights movement, it’s where I’d start. You’ve gotten plenty of good advice on the more personal angle already, so I won’t rehash.