The Vine: October 1, 2008
Hypothetical question about moral relativism.
Brian is in a competition.The prize is a small trophy and a $40 gift card to Applebee’s.Ashley is in the same competition.Emily is Brian’s friend; she’s not in the competition.
Emily has seen Ashley cheat.She has her own eyewitness account, but she’s very sure that the officials of the contest will dismiss her accusations without proof, which she doesn’t think she can get.
Emily is given the chance to sabotage Ashley.It will be untraceable, and in fact Ashley can’t even claim that someone sabotaged her without admitting that she was cheating in the first place.This would not directly help Brian; if anyone else in the contest is legitimately better, he or she would still beat him.
My question is basically, if Emily really is sure that she can’t get Ashley disqualified legally, where on the continuum of ethical does cheating to stop a cheater fall?
Gray’s Morality
Dear Gray,
The larger problem is the contest, which is apparently eminently easy to game for advantage and doesn’t have adequate oversight, so ideally Brian would find a similar but better-run contest and enter that instead.
Failing that, it depends on whether sabotaging Ashley will put a permanent stop to the cheating.If Emily thinks it will clearly signal to Ashley that she’s busted, and discourage Ashley from cheating in the future, it’s probably worthwhile.
But Emily should try reporting Ashley to the contest officials first; it’s possible that Emily’s not the first to mention it, or that they have their own suspicions.Save the guerrilla tactics for when going through channels doesn’t work.
Dear Sars,
I know you don’t deal much with dogs, but this is more of an ethical question than a dog question.
I live near a park downtown and have a dog. No surprise, I take her there several times a day to do her business and socialize with the other neighborhood pooches. The park is the neighborhood’s unofficial “dog park,” because they’re often off the leash and playing in the fountain.
Anyway, I was passing through with my dog, who was on her leash at the time. Other dogs were off their leashes and playing; someone had brought a couple dog toys, which usually aren’t around as the dogs sometimes fight over them. My dog greeted a few of the dogs she knew and then sniffed a toy on the ground. Another couple’s dog, which was off its leash, got possessive of the toy and, as far as I can tell, attacked my dog.
The size difference between the dogs is somewhat substantial; my dog is about 50 lbs. and the other dog is probably 25-30 lbs. My dog fought back, and I quickly pulled her back on the leash, but not before the other dog ended up with a bloody ear.I think the fight would have been shorter (or nonexistent) if both dogs had been on their leashes.
The couple took their dog to the vet; it got stitches. I saw them a few days ago, a couple months after it happened. The man told me, in a forced-casual way, “You know, the vet bill was $400.” I apologized and said I was thankful that their dog was fine, but I didn’t offer them any money. He and his wife seemed like they expected something.
Should I have offered to help with (or cover) the bill?
My dog’s nice, I swear!
Dear Nice,
No.Their dog was off the leash, which is a calculated risk they chose to take; their dog freaked out about the toy and got aggressive with your dog, which is a tendency of his/hers that presumably they already know about, so they should have watched her more carefully under the circumstances.
You did everything you could do, given that the other dog wasn’t on the leash.It’s not your fault that your dog is bigger than theirs, either.Don’t want to spend $400 at the vet?Get a fish tank, or invest in obedience training that discourages your canine from picking fights over Mr. Squeaky.I know you can’t control everything dogs do, but if there’s any fault here, it’s not with the owner of the leashed animal.
A generalized expression of regret is perfectly adequate.This is their responsibility.
Dear Sars,
I hope you can help me decide how to decline an invitation to my ex-boyfriend’s wedding. I think your usual advice would be to simply check the “no” box and return the response card, buy a nice gift and let it go, but Scott and I were once very close, even after the end of our relationship, and I think I owe him more of an explanation than that.
The truth about why I’m not going is that last time I went to visit him and his girlfriend, for Mardi Gras 2006, I spent most of the trip crying, freaking out because of their relationship and the way it started, but also because I was back in New Orleans for the first time since I moved away the day before Katrina.
I am still not over the fucked-up way Scott and Charlotte got together (long story short: he and I were best friends, but he was too much of a pussy to tell me he had a secret girlfriend who was visiting him from St. Louis, and when it was time to evacuate from Katrina, he refused to come with me, which was weird and mean, and I later found out it was because he was evacuating with her, which he couldn’t tell me because he hadn’t even bloody told me he had a girlfriend, and I only found out about Charlotte when I asked who else was visiting for Mardi Gras and he’s like, “well, okay, see, there’s this girl I’ve been in love with for six months”) and it’s all wrapped up with the hurricane and the emotional fallout from that, which I am still not over either.
However, we were close enough for long enough that I think he will be hurt when I tell him I’m not coming to the wedding, so I don’t want to just say nothing, but I also don’t want to make it All About Me and tell him the contents of the above paragraph, because we have been over all of that shit before, and the wedding is not about me.Well, it is for me, but not for him, duh.
Thanks,
Ivy
Dear Ivy,
Check the “no” box, wish the couple well on the back of the response card, and let Scott assume whatever he’s going to assume.He made some choices that compromised the friendship; he knows that, since you’ve “been over all of that shit before”; he’s going to have to live with those choices.
You both are.Not necessarily forever, but for right now, you feel betrayed by him, it’s all mixed up with a life-threatening natural disaster in the face of which he opted for the secret girlfriend over you, and that kind of emotional baggage does not get unpacked overnight just because everyone wants it to.It doesn’t mean you hate him for all eternity, but it does mean that, given his understanding of your feelings, it’s sort of inappropriate for him to have invited you in the first place, and if he did it out of guilt because of what went down during Katrina, so that you wouldn’t feel excluded again, whatever — the relationship is not in a healthy place, and the occasion of his marriage is not really the time to try to get it there.I mean, it’s not like he borrowed money from you and didn’t pay it back; his fiancée is involved, through no fault of her own.
He’s not a good friend for you right now, and honestly, if he’s hurt by your electing not to attend…tough.He did what he felt he had to do, but that had consequences, and if he’s that determined to have you forgive him, he’s just going to have to deal with it another time.
There’s weirdness between you; it sucks, but you can’t fix it this way.Don’t try.
Tags: Applebee's boys (and girls) cats etiquette friendships rando
Although I don’t think it would be a bad move for Emily to narc Ashley to the officials, I don’t think she has any other jurisdiction here. The officials can heed or not heed as they see fit. High-sticking Ashley isn’t in Emily’s bailiwick; she should stick to supporting Brian and ‘there, there-ing’ him about the Injustice of it All. (Besides, maybe Brian will prevail over Ashley anyway, making most of this moot.)
I’m with Sars on Ivy’s skipping the NO Nuptials. It’s the smart thing to do. It’s not her job to soothe the ex’s feelings.
I see a theme here: Division of Labor is what makes Human Society possible. Not everything is on each of us all the time.
My Dog’s Nice Too,
You did exactly the right thing; expressed general regret and offered no responsibility.
They’re idiots to let their unleashed dog run up to a leashed dog, especially when a desirable object like a toy is involved–that’s one reason many official dog parks do not allow toys at all. As you point out, possessive dogs (I have one) are apt to get growly about toys they feel are “theirs,” whether it came out of their owner’s pocket or someone else’s. Further, according to most of the dog behavior experts out there, a leashed dog approached by an unleashed one is far more likely to already feel defensive because he is restrained, and if challenged or attacked by the free dog will step it up pretty quickly. They’re morons, and you don’t owe them a thing.
Nice: Sars is totally right. The owner of the off-leash dog is always at fault.
This is an important issue for me, because my dog is not nice. She had a traumatic puppyhood, and despite obedience training, she can still be upset by (to us) random cues. Sometimes when a strange dog approaches us, they sniff each other and all is well. Sometimes when a strange dog approaches us, she bites its ear half off.
I can’t count the number of times we’ve been hiking or something and an (illegally) off-leash dog comes running up to us and the owner calls out “Don’t worry, she’s friendly!” That’s all well and good, but my dog isn’t friendly, and I’m not going to risk getting hurt or endangering my toddler by pulling my on-the-leash and properly restrained dog off your dog who got into her space, so if your dog gets hurt, it’s not my problem.
On the other hand, if it really is a place where most dogs are off-leash, then you shouldn’t bring your dog if it’s aggressive and then claim moral superiority because your dog is leashed. This particular story seems like it’s just one of those things that happens, and it’s not really anyone’s fault.
Judge Judy would quickly tell you that Unleashed Dog pretty much always loses the argument against Leashed Dog. As Sarah says, when you let your dog off the leash, you lose your major method of controlling the dog — not only stopping the behavior, but stopping bad things from happening to the dog. You don’t just leash the dog to protect other people, but to protect the dog, and if you don’t, then…too bad for you. Dogs fight. I can almost hear Judge Judy yelling, “THEY’RE ANIMALS, MADAM!”
I have to confess to being confused by part of Ivy’s email, to wit: whether or not Scott is, in fact, an ex-boyfriend. He’s identified as such at the outset of the letter, but then Ivy goes on to state that he and she were “best friends” and she was hurt badly because he didn’t tell her about his secret girlfriend.
See, I’m reading between the lines here and, at the risk of being horrifically unfair to Ivy (for which I will accept my come-uppance, if need be) I’m wondering if Scott was not actually Ivy’s “ex-boyfriend,” as in: once-they-were-in-a-committed-relationship-and-now-they’re-not, so much as there was a one-sided, unrequited love thing. Ivy had really strong feelings for Scott, who presumably knew this and (perhaps because he got off on the attention) did not actively discourage those feelings, until forced to admit he had a girlfriend, which Ivy found difficult to handle.
Thing is, though, it’s not quite the same situation as is implied by the first paragraph. Yeah, the advice given as regards the wedding invitation (check the “no” box; wish them well; wash your hands of it) remains the same, but at the same time, if Ivy was indeed so invested in Scott as to consider him an ex-boyfriend when it is unclear from the rest of the letter that any such relationship had been formalized, it might also be worth her thinking about why her feelings got out of control to that extent.
(Again, if I’ve maligned Ivy unfairly, then I totally stand corrected, but something…just doesn’t add up there for me.)
Hee, after all the emotional turmoil here…there’s just an Applebee’s tag at the bottom. Random but amusing.
Ivy, I 100% agree with Sars that it was inappropriate for Scott to invite you to the wedding. Either he did it to assuage his own guilt (not your problem), or he’s that dense and emotionally oblivious to not realize you can in no way happily attend his nuptials *to that woman in particular*. If it’s the latter? Once again, his emotional well-being is NOT your problem — if he’s unhappy when he receives your RSVP, so be it. I hope you come to peace with your decision to not attend…don’t let this silliness add to the baggage you’re already working through from this man.
“when it is unclear from the rest of the letter that any such relationship had been formalized”
Not sure your standard of proof is reasonable here. It’s entirely possible that she still had feelings for him and renamed them “best friends” — but that they never dated at all, I’m not sure where you get that.
@ Sars: Fiar enough. The wording just struck me as curious. Best not to read between the lines, I guess, is the lesson for me here.
Re: Emily – I don’t think it’s a good idea to stoop to Ashley’s level. Emily could definitely go to the officials, I guess, but screwing up Ashley doesn’t sound like it would help much of anything.
re: Nice, I totally agree with Sars – the other couple’s dog was off the leash & started the issue. I’ve had two dogs and we never let ours off the leash; both our dogs were traumatized by other dogs whose owners didn’t keep a better eye on them and as a result, both our dogs developed a fear and hatred of other dogs (although they adored humans). I guess I’m prejudiced in the matter!
re: Ivy… oohhh I hate, hate, hate guys who do stuff like this. What is so wrong with being honest??? I won’t get hysterical about it… but I hope you will do what Sars suggests and just send a nice “will not attend but thanks and best wishes on your special day” note. :)
Hi, it’s Ivy. I’m afraid I do have to correct you, underjoyed. Scott was my boyfriend for three or four months, and then after that fizzled, we were best friends for the year and a half preceding Katrina, and talked every night on the phone for several months after, until the bloody horrible Mardi Gras trip. Now we mainly communicate online and rarely talk on the phone, but I’m still afraid he will be hurt I’m not coming to the wedding. I agree with Sars that that’s his problem, and I plan to take her advice, but I still don’t like to be hurtful. I know he’d like to have me there, and I don’t think he’s inviting me for any reason except that we’re friends.
Gray, is this a work thing? Emily may want to alert Ashley’s boss, too. It sounds a bit to me that you want the sabotage to happen. Who can resist an opportunity to screw up a cheater with no chance of being caught? I know I couldn’t! But I’m not Emily, and Emily ought to take the high road and just report the cheater to whomever may be able to disqualify that cheatin’ Ashley.
Nice, you are SO nice! I’d’ve hollered at the owners of the off-leash dog! Hope they’re over thier expectations, because those expectations are completely unreasonable. If they can’t control thier dog off-leash, that dog should stay ON THE LEASH. Dur.
Ivy, Sars’ advice rocks. Why do you want to spare his feelings? He sure messed with your feelings by being an emotionally immature wuss during a huge crisis! I’m so sorry Katrina messed with your life. On the back of the reply card, wish Scott & Charlotte all the happiness they deserve (and not a bit more. I’m so passive-aggressive.)
@ underjoyed, I think the key line here is:
“but Scott and I were once very close, even after the end of our relationship”
Which I read as, they dated, then broke up but stayed/became best friends.
Nice, everyone else has already said so, but I’ll chime in with my agreement because I want to add that I’d have been sorely tempted to say, “That’s too bad. It sure is a good thing *I* had a leash on *my* dog so I was able to keep it from getting any worse!”
If you are bringing your aggressive dog to a dogpark unleashed, it seems you could expect there to be some blowback from that. I think Nice was in the right here.
That being said, I don’t agree that the off leash dog is always at fault. If you are bringing an aggressive dog into a situation where you know they will sometimes get aggressive, i.e., where there are other dogs present, then you need to own the responsibility for that aggression, whether leased or unleashed. We live near a reservation with hiking trails and a large dog park, where custom dictates that 90% of the dogs are off-leash. Some people do bring their aggressive dogs there, and fights ensue. I wouldn’t say it was the off-leash dog’s fault in that instance if he/she got hurt.
(Not that my dog’s ever been involved; she submits to squirrels, and on one memorable occasion, the statue of a rabbit. Oh, she’s 90 lbs BTW.)
Ivy,
Check it: he hurt you, you’re not Ok with that, you don’t want to go to the wedding. So don’t go. It sucks that he hurt you, it sucks that he’s marrying someone else and that you have to now decide to go or not go, but …don’t create drama. Check the ‘no’ box, and if, in time, y’all are back to speaking, you can elaborate.
Well, it sounds like Ivy was a little more invested in the relationship than Scott. I figure he didn’t tell her about his new girlfriend because he didn’t want Ivy to go all coronary on him. My question is: Will Scott be all hurt if Ivy doesn’t show up at the wedding?
I mean, Scott could have just sent the announcement out to an old friend thinking it’s cool if she comes and okay if she doesn’t.
Anyway, whatever Ivy decides she shouldn’t get her truss all in an uproar about it because it really won’t affect anyone but her.
Personally? I think Emily should mind her own business. She’s not in the competition, so it’s not really her problem if anyone is cheating or not. Maybe there’s more to it, like she sometimes does compete in similar competitions against Ashley, but in this instance it should be up to the guy who’s actually competing to decide if he wants to bring allegations of cheating against one of the competitors. And if he does, Emily’s eyewitness account (as a backup to his story) may hold more water with the judges than if some random person comes out of nowhere accusing Ashley of cheating. (Again, there may be more to this than we know – if this is a small community of competitors, or if Brian and Emily are known by the judges to be friends, her account might then be taken with a grain of salt.)
At the very least, though, the judges might investigate Brian’s allegations and include an interview of Ashley. Once she knows she’s being watched carefully, that would probably put an end to any cheating.
Ivy: To a certain extent, @Blair is right. I was in a very similar situation (broke up with a guy, we stayed pribably unhealthily close for two years, he got a new girlfriend but didn’t have the stones to tell me), and the best thing I did was put a whole lot of gone between us.
He and I are still on good terms and we email occasionally, but I found it was best that I should get on with my life without having to remind myself that he’s moved on (and by definition, I had more invested in the relationship than he did at that point). He doesn’t seem to be losing any sleep over it, and frankly, at this point, neither am I. Give yourself room to get over this; you’ll be happy you did.
@Marie: Ha! I too have a 90-lb ferocious beast (Rottweiler/Chow mix) who submits to tiny dogs. He is bossed by the female dachshund across the street regularly. Loves to get growly and snappy with the Great Dane downstairs though.
Av0gadro, I get the “Don’t worry, he’s friendly!” thing a lot, too. In my case, my dog (a papillon) weighs 10 pounds, and even a playful larger dog could hurt her. She also thinks she’s much larger than she is and will sometimes snap at the air in front of a larger dog’s nose in an attempt to dominate it, which doesn’t go over well with some dogs. I keep her leashed. Unleashed dogs are one of my biggest pet peeves. If an owner doesn’t have perfect control over a dog — i.e., if he can’t call it and have it immediately stop whatever it’s doing and return to him — he should NEVER have the dog unleashed in an unfenced area.
(I used to get the “Don’t worry, he’s friendly” thing when I had a leashed 110-pound malamute/collie, too. Scout wasn’t mean, but he wasn’t friendly. He was standoffish and would normally just ignore other dogs, but if a dog — especially an unleashed one — ran up and tried to dominate him, or if he felt one was threatening me, he would get angry. He never actually hurt anyone else’s dog, but if he had, it would have been the other owner’s fault. I’m just amazed at the number of people who let their dogs run around free and don’t even attempt to call them back when they approach strange dogs. Do they not even consider their animal’s safety?)
Wolfa, I’d agree with you if this was a designated off-leash park, but it isn’t. It also sounds like it’s the closest place for Nice to take the dog to do its business — Nice isn’t just wandering through packs of unleashed dogs for fun. Nice, I think you did the right thing — you don’t owe those people a cent. Their dog initiated the fight, they couldn’t control their animal quickly enough (and you pulled your dog back right away), and you weren’t in a designated off-leash dog park. Hopefully the other owners will learn from this.
@Nice Doggy: Agreeing with what everyone else says. We have a Chihuahua that we keep on a leash, because he doesn’t like other dogs and has short angry man sndrome and unleashed dogs are the bane of my life. He won’t attack another dog unprokoved, but if another dog tries to sniff his butt, it’s on (and I must admit, I see his point).
So many times people are all “oh my big dog is so friendly” and it’s like, well mine isn’t so keep it the hell away because your giant mutt could kill him without thinking. There’s one neighbourhood dog that’s attacked him thrice because these people can’t shut their dogdamned gate when they go outside and so now we pick him up if we see it’s out. When the dog still attacked, they blamed us for picking our dog up, which goes to prove that some people are idiots when it comes to their pets.
So definately don’t offer to pay. But then, you get blase about this when you have a fighty cat and you know this week your neighbour has an $80 vet bill, but chances are I’ll have one next week.
@Ivy. Have you considered reading He’s Not That Into You? I know it’s a cheesy dating book inspired by a TV show, but I’m finding it less a “how to get a man” book than a “how not to cling to a bad man”. So while I’m not suggesting you’re still thinking you’ll get back together, it’s a good wake-up call for perspective on his behaviour. He didn’t tell you about his girlfriend or consider how a wedding invite might affect you, the only thing you owe him is the sight of the back of you walking out of his life. He obviously doesn’t care how this impacts you, so why should you care how he takes the “no”? Instead put your energy into someone who will treat you better, even if that’s yourself.
Soylent Green: ugh, angry short-man syndrome is the worst. I used to petsit for a friend with a very sweet (though kind of annoying because she was spoiled and not very well behaved) Boston Terrier. She technically had short-GIRL syndrome, but she pretty much couldn’t be walked anywhere that might have a lot of other dogs because she turned into a maniac anytime she saw one. Didn’t matter if the other dog was big enough to one-chomp her in half, she freaked out – barking, growling, straining at her leash, the whole nine. She sure was cute, though; I still loved her even if she was a pain in the ass to take care of.
@Soylent Green: Hah! I train dogs (among other animals) for a living & I just love “short angry man syndrome.” I intend to steal & apply it (first to a Jack Russel client) forthwith. Perfect description of the malady. As far as Nice, I agree with Sars & the majority–off-leash-dog couple loses. Check with your city/town; if there is a leash or control law, they were in violation of it & doubly at fault, no matter what the local culture of off leash dogs says. My town has a dog control law, although you wouldn’t know it to see the loose dogs wandering through our local bridle paths–however, if you complain, they do come out & ticket, fine, or impound the offenders’ dogs.
I currently have Great Danes (plural) & while they don’t bite, they do hit. With their paws. Just like a 5-year old. Big paws & claws can accidentally do damage, & if my 140 lb. dogs are on tandem leash at my side when yours runs up & gets in their space, which they always are because they’re only allowed off lead in the show ring or inside our home fence, guess who’s probably going to lose that one. If you’re unwilling to pay the vet bill, put your dog on a lead & don’t let him run up to strangers.
Ivy: To put it more bluntly, a guy who doesn’t tell you about his girlfriend for months is NOT your best friend, and does not deserve the consideration you’d GIVE to a best friend. Relationship or no, “unhealthily close” or not… someone who did that doesn’t get to play the Best Friend card, nor does he have a right to be hurt when you don’t go to the wedding.
Man, dog politics are insane! I absolutely agree that off-leash dog owner generally loses, but it’s important to know your own dog’s personality. An on leash dog may become unusually aggressive in that situation because he feels that being on-leash puts him at a disadvantage. I’ve been told by multiple trainers that sometimes the best thing to do in a hostile situation is actually let go of the leash so your dog doesn’t feel so defensive. But again, it’s important to understand your own dog’s psychology.
This phenomenon also explains why so many small dogs have the “short angry man syndrome.” They bark and strain at the leash in an attempt to indimidate a larger dog but in fact know that they’re never actually going to reach that dog. In most cases if they were off leash they would probably walk past the larger dog as quickly as possible to avoid confrontation (although there are always exceptions).
@ Smash. Mine is a 90lbs Weimaraner. Any dog/cat/ferret who is the least bit aggressive, and she’s down on the floor. However, for reasons unknown, she hates puppies. With the heat of 1,000 suns. She doesn’t attack them…she just growls and runs away. *sigh* It’s embarrassing.
Which is why I have no problem having her off-leash at the local parks where the off leash culture exists. Yes, it is technically illegal, but I (and everyone else with off leash dogs there) expect that people will not bring dogs that are not socialized to other dogs to a place where 15 dogs congregate every evening to play with each other. She’s on leash on the street, or in places where people/dogs who do not expect an off leash dog to be are found.
Even I, with my apparent right wing anti-leash bent, don’t understand people who let their dogs off leash on streets. Aren’t their dogs idiots like mine? She knows how to work the foot pedal on the trash can, but she’ll jump in front of a car for an errant french fry….
I have a pit mix, which makes me very paranoid in certain situations – she is very well trained and social, but like all dogs, will respond if being attacked. While I agree with the advice about leashed vs unleashed, I have experienced the opposite – my dog was in the ocean with her buddies, when a golden retriever on a long retractable leash (ie, no control at all), attacked her in the water – pinning her down underneath – with the owner just standing there, agog! OMG – I am still all worked up about it. In that case, I felt absolutely like they were wrong and told them so. Of course, if it had escalated, my pit would have been put down for touching a precious golden. Dog issues are just very iffy sometimes, even when it seems black and white.
@Jen – I agree, I think dog issues very situational. Here I do think Nice was in the right.
Also, I’m glad your dog is ok – it is a shame that a sweet breeds like pits, and their mixed breeds, have been colored by certain morons in our society to the point where your dog would shoulder the blame in just about any situation, unless the other dog was found smoking gun in paw. Even then, that dog would probably get off on a “Pitbull Panic” defense.
Jen, a dog on a long retractable leash may as well be unleashed, as far as I’m concerned. One of the many horrid little shih tzu mixes in this city came after my dog while on one of those the other day, and its owner simply kept trying to call it back; she couldn’t pull it back at all.
Anyone who takes their dog to a dog park (or lets them off-leash at all) should read this: http://leerburg.com/dogparks.htm
Even if you ignore his advice to avoid dog parks, it’s a useful article because it teaches you how to spot an aggressive dog and intervene before it attacks yours. I don’t agree with all of this guy’s training techniques (he’s a little more aggressive than I’d like; I’m not much for “hard corrections”), but a lot of his advice is good, and the e-mails from readers (below the article) were a real eye-opener.
Interesting article, although I do disagree with what appears to be his basic premise that dogs are best served by exercise with humans and perhaps dogs that are already known as friendly. Despite his cheesiness, I do like a lot of what Caesar Milan says (his tips for dog parks are here http://tiny.cc/1ySaj) – dogs need to understand how to interact with other dogs, and they aren’t going to get doggy social customs, including their place in the pack structure, from interacting with humans alone. Humans need to teach and model behavior. The most aggressive dogs I’ve seen are the ones that do not understand how to interact with other dogs.
Now, are there idiots out there with dogs? Yes. The best line of the whole article to me was “[f]inally, if your dog is a bully and is aggressive to other dogs, you need to explain to him that this is unacceptable behavior.” Like Amy, I don’t buy the hard corrections, but you do need to work with your dog, and take responsibility for his training.
In the dog park context, this may mean being aware of the other dogs that are there, and knowing how your dog reacts to things, i.e., if he is aggressive and you see another aggressive dog, take care to either keep them separate or introduce them so they know their place. I don’t believe it means to not have or go to dog parks.
Agreed with, well, everyone about the off-leash dog thing. When I walk my boys (two large male greyhounds – 165 lbs of dog combined) we often have unleashed dogs bounce on up while their owners call out, “Don’t worry, he’s friendly!” To which I respond, “That’s terrific! But mine aren’t, SO GET YOUR DOG ON A LEASH!”
In point of fact, they’re not precisely UNfriendly, but in that situation I don’t have time to say “Jupiter likes other dogs generally, but gets scared sometimes and tries to hide, which makes the other dog want to attack him, and Angler is bossy and really hates it if the strange dog gets in his face or gets hyper, so since I don’t know your dog, can you please leash him up?” I figure they don’t really need all that info anyhow :)
Ivy: from a male perspective, let me add that I agree that you should send back the RSVP checked “No” then send a card and/or gift separately wishing them all the best. If you two are still in communication, as you say, and he really is curious about why you’re not coming, he’ll IM/email you to ask you why. If he doesn’t, then I think it would be safe for you to assume that he did indeed invite you out of perceived obligation, and you may want to consider whipping out your Pontius Pilate brand hand soap and wash your hands of the whole thing. That may sound cruel, but if you’ve been this torn up over this guy for this long, I think that you may need to make a clean break with him so you can move on with your life.
@Jed: “Pontius Pilate brand hand soap”
I love it! I may have to start using this liberally!
Ugh, I just encountered an off-leash aggressive dog while I was walking my own temporary dog (he was displaced by the hurricane). His owner didn’t seem to have any control over him at all, and when he started running toward us (luckily not very fast; he was an extremely fat dachshund), she called out, “Oh, that’s a girl dog, right?”
Um, no. Oh, I see your dog is aggressive toward other male dogs! How lovely.
I didn’t get a chance to chew her out, because my dog made a super-fast about-face and booked it in a straight line toward our apartment, but… ugh.
Ivy, darling, it is not hurtful to not attend someone’s wedding, even if you’re close friends (unless you’re all Pointedly Not Attending about it). If it was I would be seriously upset with about 75% of my extended family and two of my would-have-been bridesmaids right now. People understand that you can’t always make it to every single social event, and receiving an invitation does not constitute a commitment to attend. If you can’t be there, you can’t, whether it’s because you can’t afford the gas, can’t get the time off work, are in the hospital, have a prior commitment, or can’t handle it for mental/emotional health reasons. All you have to do is say, I’m sorry, I can’t make it, but I wish you all the happiness in the world.
I think the dog discussion has veered way off – Nice asked if she should pay for the other dog’s vet bill, and I think everyone agrees that’s nuts.
But as a dog owner, if my dog bloodied another dog’s ear in ANY situation, on-leash, off-leash, provoked or no, I would consider that a failure on my part to control my dog. I’m not saying this is Nice’s fault, but her dog ALSO reacted agressively. If she didn’t know before that her dog could behave this way, she knows now and can take steps to prevent it happening again.
@Stephanie: I don’t know if I totally agree with your point here. I mean, I’m not an agressive person, but I imagine if someone were to punch me in the face, I would punch them back. And I don’t see any way to prevent someone from suddenly punching me in the face. Perhaps you meant that Nice could keep the dog away from stranger dog toys, which seems reasonable. But I don’t think the leashed dog’s reaction here necessarily was indicative of an overarching personality trait.
[Of course, I do not nor have I ever had pets, and I am endlessly annoyed by people who let their dogs rub all against me on the street wihle smiling like I should be delighted, when they have no idea if I am a) deathly afraid of dogs or b) deathly allergic, so please get your dog up off me until I say otherwise. But that’s my own personal issue.]
On the dog front, I think the stupid thing was to bring a dog toy along / leave it where another dog could sniff it – that’s where those people were in the wrong, in my opinion. Dogs off the leash at a dog-walking park is fine as far as I’m concerned (although I get very cross if aggressive dogs are allowed to run free – your dog shouldn’t be my problem!). But most dogs don’t like other dogs going near their stuff. If we’re out with our dog and playing fetch and another dog appears, the first thing we always do is call her back (which is always quite easy, as she’s really not that interested in other dogs and only really likes us and rabbits), and get her ball off her.