Dear Sars,

I have this dilemma with a co-worker whom I’ll call Susan. She’s nice, funny, and great as far as co-workers go.We’re not close friends or anything, but we have worked in very close quarters (three employees) together every day for the past eight months.

The problem is her boyfriend of five years — we’ll call him A Possible Jackass. Every day Susan comes to work with a new story of how APJ got angry because she didn’t clean the fish tank right, or screamed at her for an hour because she asked why the girl he was IM’ing said she’d “be miserable too if she had to live with that pig.” Then come the stories of how they roughed around to much and that explains the fist-sized bruise above her wrist. About two months ago, she asked me if she was wearing enough eye make-up to cover the bruises on her eye and above her lip. I think I managed to somewhat cover up my shock and stammer that I sure as hell could not tell.

The stories and bruises keep coming. Every time I manage to quietly say, “You know you really don’t deserve that, you shouldn’t have to put up with that. He doesn’t seem like that great a guy, Susan. Have you ever thought about leaving?” Is there anything else I can say or do without overstepping the line as co-worker? I mean, I know she has a sister, close friends, and family who may be telling her the same thing or have in the past. I know she has mentioned that almost everyone of her friends and family dislike APJ.

Second question is a two-parter — I have a great fiancé who I love and who adores me. I feel guilty if I mention anything he does for me, because Susan’s most likely response is, “Oh, that’s great, APJ never does anything like that for me,” or something similar. Then when Susan does say something that APJ did for her, I’ll say out of habit, “Oh that’s sweet” or “How nice.” Should I quit mentioning anything my fiancé does for me or we do together? Should I not comment on something that APJ did that seems nice?

This whole thing screams to me, “NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!” but Lifetime and health class scream that if someone is getting hurt you should help. I’m confused. Is what I’m saying enough or too much? Am I butting in where I really don’t belong like my fiancé says? He says that she basically told me she doesn’t want to leave because she doesn’t know how or what she would do, and that I should quit worrying about it. It’s her life. So I tried, and then she shows me the bruises from the latest fight and tells me how it got so bad that his mom almost called the police on him because he was so loud and violent, and how he hid her keys so she couldn’t leave and I want to cry. I don’t know that life and I don’t think anyone deserves that.

Help?
Worried Officemate

Dear Officemate,

It’s hard to know, in a situation like this, how much you should do — how much help you should try to give.I mean, yes, it’s a bad situation.It’s pretty clear that APJ is abusive, and yet you feel that it’s not really your place to interfere, because Susan has friends and family, and yet she tells you these things for a reason, presumably, and yet…and yet, and yet.But I think you can do a few little things without overstepping your bounds.

First, let Susan know that, if things get really bad, she can call you.You don’t have to make a big deal of it, but the next time she talks about APJ pushing her around or yelling at her, mention in passing that she can give you a shout if she needs to get out of there, and scribble down your home number for her.Second, keep an informal record of the stuff she tells you — like a little journal.Don’t keep it at work; make a note of bruises or shouting matches she reports to you when you get home.If she does ever get fed up and needs concrete legal proof that APJ is a schmuck, your notes could help.A third thing you might consider, if it’s getting really egregious, is speaking to your boss about it in strict confidence.It’s not your boss’s bailiwick either, but if you go on record with her, or with someone in HR, then maybe they could talk to Susan, express concern, light a fire under her…I don’t know.It’s a thought.

That’s really all I can think of for you to do.It’s an awful situation, but making it clear that you’ll support her in an emergency is about the best you can offer her, given your relationship with her.

And as far as the fiancé small-talk goes, I think your current approach is fine.Your commenting that APJ did something “nice” isn’t going to make the critical difference here.

Dear Sars,

First off, you rock. I turn to Tomato Nation at least once a day, preferably at work, for your brand of advice. You remind me of a more down-to-earth Carolyn Hax from the Washington Post online.

Secondly, I’ve got a problem that I’m not sure I or anyone else can really do anything about — my husband’s ex-wife. And it’s not about the weirdness of the ex-wife/new-wife thing. It’s about the kids. Turns out she doesn’t give a shit about them, and they know it. What sucks is that my stepdaughters are teenagers and dying for their mother’s attention, and their mother clearly isn’t interested in giving them anything.

Because the ex wasn’t interested in the kids anymore, she finally gave them up. It sucks for the kids, as now they have to change houses and move to new schools. It’s been a couple of months now and everyone seems to be getting along fine. The problem is that their mom still doesn’t give a shit. The kids make plans to go see her on weekends, only to arrive and have their mom not be there. All day.

Based on all this, I’m pretty sure 1) the ex is clinically depressed and refusing treatment (she doesn’t believe in drugs), 2) sleeping with her married boss (that’s been a problem for her), and 3) that there is nothing I can do about this. My husband tries to talk to her about spending time with the girls, but she doesn’t listen or seem to care.

Is there anything we/I can do short of saving up for the therapy that’s bound to come later?

Bizarre Behavior In Boston

Dear Boston,

I agree with you — there’s really nothing you can do directly in re: the ex’s behavior, aside from pressuring your husband to light a fire under her ass, which it sounds like he’s tried to do, without success.(And I think the lot of you should go to family counselling, frankly.The ex’s actions will cause damage, now and later; better to start dealing with it now.)

I don’t know the legal ins and outs of forcing a parent to get his or her shit together, and I don’t know enough about this situation to suggest anything that might motivate the ex to get with the program…and anyway, again, that’s really for your husband to deal with.

So don’t deal with the ex.She’s a suck, and that’s unfortunate for everyone, but it’s going to cause fall-out and you need to address that — because it’s what affects you, and because it’s the only thing you can do.With that in mind, become a stable presence for the kids.Spend time with them, if that’s what they want; if that’s decidedly not what they want, just make yourself available.Be in the background.Be there.Let them know that you care — you know it’s not the same, you know it’s not going to fix what’s broken with their mom, but you care.Do what you say you’ll do.Pick them up on time.Yell at them for borrowing your shoes.Exist as a reliable, everyday parental presence in their lives.Establish yourself as an adult they can count on, because they need that.They need stability; they need to know the grown-ups are taking an interest.

Also, talk to your husband.Come up with a plan, together — how to deal with the subject of the ex in front of the kids, how to support the kids if/when their mother lets them down, how to work together as a team to make the family work as a family.Does he want you to pinch-hit as more of a mother figure?Does he want you to stay out of it?Do you think you can play the role he wants you to?

A former co-worker of mine used to describe dealing with situations like this one as making good work of a bad job.It’s too bad that you’ve gotten stuck with a bad job, but do your best with it.That’s all anyone can ask of you.

Dear Sars,

I had this guy friend whom I found attractive, and pretty much everyone knew it, except for him.I’m a naturally shy, introverted type of person so was really comfortable just talking to him as a friend and never pursuing anything beyond that.It wasn’t like I thought he was the love of my life — he was just an admittedly hot friend.

I guess the attraction was mutual, because he expressed an interest in me a few months ago and we ended up going out together.I started coming a little out of my shell, since feeling desirable and wanted for the first time in my life gave me a lot more self-confidence.This is when the problems started.As soon as I started wearing less frumpy clothing, he started “jokingly” calling me a whore, and a slut, and other names along those lines.He thought it was funny.I didn’t, and told him so.That didn’t stop him.

It got worse once school started up.I was going to college, and he was working full-time.Now, instead of just teasing me about the way I looked, he also constantly accused me of actually BEING a slut.Every guy I looked at, or whose existence I acknowledged, was a possible sexual partner of mine, including his own brother.The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he twisted my arm during an argument.Maybe it was just an accident, but he refused to apologize.

It’s now been about two and a half weeks since I broke up with him.I’ve been avoiding him, but can’t avoid my friends and family.My family and best friend all think I’m crazy.They blame me for breaking that poor boy’s heart.My best friend informed me that he told her I was starting to scare him, yet he still wanted to be with me, and I just had to admit I had problems.My problems, according to him, were that I was too clingy and needy.I was hardly ever the one making plans or seeking him out, since I was so busy with classes starting up again, so I have a hard time admitting any such problem.

During the situation, I really felt like he was turning into a jerk.Now my confidence in that is a little shaky, with everyone whose opinions I used to trust telling me I’m being stupid and he’s the sweetest guy on the planet and every relationship has some bumps in the road.Was I just overly sensitive?Shouldn’t I be free to end a relationship whenever it stops being enjoyable for both partners?

Questioning Herself

Dear Questioning,

Do your friends and family know that he called you a slut?That he wrenched your arm?That he’s a dishonest, insecure, pathological dickweed that projects his own bullshit onto you?

Because if they don’t, I think you should tell them exactly what you just told me — and when you get done laying it out for them, I think you should remind them that 1) they don’t know everything about every situation, 2) you’d appreciate a little trust in and support for decisions you make in your personal life, and 3) you don’t have to justify yourself to other people, regardless.Do you need a boyfriend that badly that you have to tolerate that crap?No, you do not.Do the people in your life think you need a boyfriend that badly that you have to tolerate that crap?Fuck them.

You absolutely did the right thing by dumping him.It’s called “self-respect.”You have some; you acted like it.The guy got jealous, called you names, pushed you around, and talked shit about you, and if your best friend thinks pathetic, immature, abusive behavior of that ilk makes him “the sweetest guy on the planet,” you should dump her ass too.Let her go out with him if he’s such a fucking prize.

[10/10/01]

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