Hey Sars,

I know that, in the greater scheme of things, my
“problem” isn’t that life-altering, but I’d really
like your opinion on this.

Today, my mother and I went shopping for an outfit for
my university graduation dinner/dance.I got a slinky
black dress (mid-calf length) and some very strappy
black shoes (a single strap across the toe, and one
heading diagonally across the top of my foot.)I
commented that all I needed now was some nice
jewellery when my mum added, “And some black
stockings.”

I argue that stockinged toes look very bad poking out
of strappy shoes, and if my legs (and feet) are tanned
(it’ll be summer time), hair-free, exfoliated, and
moisturised, I don’t need stockings.My mum argues
that it’s the sense of occasion that requires
stockings.(The dinner/dance was $50 a head for
dinner, music, and all the beer/wine you can drink.
Hardly high tea at Buckingham Palace.)

What do you think?
Legless

Dear Legless,

Although I tend to err on the side of caution in these things — i.e. opting for closed-toe shoes so that I can wear stockings, that kind of thing — the outfit you’ve described would look straight-up ridiculous with hosiery.A leg wax and a pedicure and I think you’re good to go.

Hi Sars —

I have a friend, let’s call her “Diane.”Diane HAD a boyfriend,
Jack.A few months ago, when Diane was dating Jack, I met another friend of
Diane’s, John.John and I hit it off that night and ended up sleeping
together.Diane knows this.

Well, since then, I have talked to John
occasionally, nothing serious, and then I started dating another guy, Joe.
Then, Joe and I broke up.Pretty shortly after Joe and I split, John
started calling me again, wanting to hang out and what not.One night after
a few drinks, John confessed that he had been interested in me all this
time, and that Diane had told him to forget it, I would never be interested in
him (not necessarily true, mind you; I just never thought about actually
dating him because of the whole “sleeping with him the first night I met him” thing).

John also told me that Diane has tried to get him in bed, even though she
was dating Jack.Outside of one very drunken kiss, John swore to me that
nothing had ever happened between him and Diane.And I believe him.Okay, and
Diane has also told me that if it weren’t for Jack, she would be “All over
John” — and she knows that I have been with him and still talk to him.

Well, finally, it looks like John and I may be actually getting together —
we have a date this weekend and we will see how it goes.That being said,
guess what just happened?Jack and Diane broke up.Does any of this make
sense?I am not sure where my loyalties should be here.I mean, yeah, John
was Diane’s friend first, but I was intimate with him first and he is
interested in me — not her.Should I just back the hell off?I hate to do
that, because there is such a serious shortage of dateable guys here, and finally
one comes along and is actually interested in me even after I completely
messed up and slept with him right away.What do you think?

Why can’t it ever be easy??

Dear Why,

It isn’t up to Diane to decide what happens between you and John.It’s up to you, and it’s up to John.Let her get her own guy.

I do think you’d better talk to her about it.Explain that you know she just went through a break-up, and you feel for her, but you’ve got a thing going with John now, and you’d appreciate it if she didn’t try to box-block you on that.

I mean, if you back off and “let her have” John, you’ll only wind up resenting her for it, and the fact is that John is into you, not her.It’s always awkward to Stake A Claim in these situations, but it’s even more awkward later if you haven’t made your position clear, so you ought to do so — to Diane, and to John.

Hi Sarah.

I’m having trouble with my kittens — they
aren’t getting along, and I’m afraid I might see blood
someday soon.Lily (alias, of course) came to live
with us aged around eight weeks; I was unemployed and home with
her for the first four months of her life.But then I went
back to work and she was home all day by herself; she
seemed bored and lonely. After much thought and
research, we decided she needed a friend.

Last week, Angie came home to live with us. She’s eight
weeks old and super-sweet and hyper. Following the advice
of many, I kept Angie isolated from Lily for a day.
Then we cracked the door so they could see each other
but not touch.Then we had them meet. Not good — Lily
pounced, and poor Angie was on her back with four paws
in the air, begging for help.Since then we’ve had
some progress — a few licks and sniffs, but as soon as
Angie moves, Lily is on her.

The vet tells me to just let them have it out and get
it out of their systems.My concern is that someone
(most likely Angie) will get hurt.I can deal with
hisses and swats; it’s the biting to kill that bothers
me.Like the obsessive person I am, I have spent
countless hours researching this on the web and can’t
find any other evidence to support letting them have
it out.

As it is now, Angie is locked in the bedroom all day
and in the bathroom at night. No fun.Lily no longer has
her run of the apartment. I can’t have a conversation
with my husband, because we are constantly shuffling
cats from room to room to make sure they don’t get at
each other.

It is still early, I know. I don’t need them to be
best friends yet, but being able to be in the same
room for a few hours without biting would be nice.

Any advice?How did you go about introducing Little
Joe?Are they getting along yet?

Thanks,
Alison

Dear Alison,

Hobey and Little Joe still have those fights to the death, like, daily, after more than two years.Sometimes it gets intense with the flying fur and the bitter snarling, but they match up pretty evenly size-wise, so nobody’s ever gotten hurt.

But one of your cats is bigger than the other, so until Angie grows a bit, I would keep them separated if there’s nobody around to supervise them.It’s not my impression that my cats bother fighting when I’m not home — it’s an audience-participation alpha-male thing at my house, I think — but again, mine usually fight to a draw, so if they do get into it and I can’t send them to their corners, it’s not a big deal.In Angie’s case, Lily could maul her, so when you leave them alone, put one of them in another room so Angie doesn’t get hurt.

But when you get home, turn them loose.Lily might just want to play, but whether or not she’s trying to kill Angie, Angie needs to start learning to defend herself.If it gets out of hand, break it up — spritz them with water or clap your hands loudly — but otherwise, it’s best to let them do what they do.After a few days of constant squabbling, they’ll probably settle down, and girl cats don’t do as much wrassling anyway.

[10/10/02]

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