My ex-boyfriend and I broke up over a year ago, and have been friends
since shortly after. We talk all the time via IM and email, but
whenever I invite him to hang out, he gets weird and changes the
subject. Our schools are close enough so that’s not the issue (after
all, we saw each other all the time when we were together). We’ve both
moved on, so it’s obvious we’d be hanging out as friends. I’ve seen
pictures of him, and he looks the same as last time I saw him.

What do
you think his problem is? It feels weird having this “friend” nearby
that I might never see again.

AIM Buddy

Dear Buddy,

Well…he doesn’t want to hang out, is his problem.Either he’s not over you, really, or he’s got a new girlfriend who’s not hot on the idea of the two of you seeing each other, or something.I don’t know the exact reason, and I don’t think it’ll really help you to know it either, if you know what I mean.

So, you can call him on it, or you can leave it alone until he comes around, and I’d advise the latter; post-relationship friendships don’t always act the same way as regular ones, and sometimes you just have to take what you can get.

Dear Sars:

This is pretty much an etiquette question, I think.I am supposed to participate in one of those giant marathon walks for charity very shortly.Part of registration involved making a commitment to raise a whole lot of money in pledges, all of which goes to the charity and is non-refundable.Many of my friends and colleagues have made generous, non-refundable donations to the charity in sponsorship of me.Did I mention non-refundable?

The problem is that I recently found out I am pregnant, which is very happy news for me, but I am high-risk, and my doctor has told me I should not participate in the walk.I have two questions.First, how do I let people know that I’m not going to participate, and remind them that they can’t get their money back?I don’t really believe anyone would want a refund, because their money goes to exactly the same place regardless of whether I participate, but I hate to reward their support of me with, “Well, that’s the way it is, folks.”Should I offer to reimburse people’s contributions?

Second, I will not be far enough along in my pregancy that I will want to tell people about it.Is there a reasonable, non-dramatic way to let people know that I am proceeding on my doctor’s advice without making it sound like I’m deathly ill?I don’t want these very nice people to think that I’m just flaking out on my commitment, and on their donations. What do you think?

Not so much walking

Dear Sitting,

“Unfortunately, I can’t participate in the walk this year after all, for medical reasons — but the charity still appreciates and benefits from your generous donations, so please know that your money has gone to an excellent cause, and that I’ll pester you to sponsor me again next year.Thanks again!”

“These nice people” can think whatever they like; presumably (knock wood) everything will go along swimmingly and they’ll know soon enough why you skipped the walk.

I have an issue that hasn’t become a problem yet, but I want to be able to
cut it off at the pass should it blossom into one.

I have recently been offered a fabulous job.I would be working with people
I like (for the most part), doing what I love, and holding a senior position
in a fairly prestigious office, and as I am very young (early twenties), this is
An Opportunity You Don’t Pass Up.

The only issue with the job is that I used to date (or, rather, hook up with)
one of my coworkers.Usually, this would not be a problem.But he in
himself is the problem.He became more invested in our relationship than I
did (to the “I love you” point, which just freaked the hell out of me) and
even when I stopped hooking up with him and made it very clear that things
were over, he continued to…well, “stalk” is not the word, but maybe
somewhere between “pursue” and “stalk” would be accurate.

When that job ended, I moved on (and away) and he also moved away, but he
continued to call and email, in a friend capacity.I was happy to be his
friend, until his emails because ridiculously numerous and intrusive, to the
point where he would send five or six emails a day, sometimes within an hour
of each other and sometimes just to ask, “Where are you?Why haven’t you
emailed me back?Pay attention to me!”

As I had made it clear to him in the past (as in, “Hey, Guy, I don’t like you
like that anymore.Please, stop.” and “No, you can’t come over and you can’t
kiss me and I’m walking away now.Goodnight.”) and as being Just Friends
clearly wasn’t working for him, I just stopped responding to him.I didn’t
take his calls or return his emails, and eventually, he stopped trying to
contact me.

Well, now we are back in the same city and will be working in the same office,
and I fear that the dastardly cycle will start again. I’m wondering — if he
starts in again, is there another way I can make things clear to him that No
Means No?Did I miss something when I was going through this the first
time?I know this could all just be irrational fear, but after his behavior
before, I’m worried that this could create a lot of undue tension in the
office.

Hoping for the best, fearing the worst

Dear Hoping,

Go into the situation behaving professionally yourself, and expect him to behave the same way; maybe he’ll have gotten a grip.Then again, maybe not — so if the emails, or any other forms of wooing, start again, or if he acts all snarly towards you for ignoring him, meet with him privately and remind him that the two of you have to work together.Tell him that you want a professional relationship with him, nothing more.Don’t ask him for anything; don’t wheedle.Tell him that you expect him to act right.

If he still won’t, go over his head to HR, and document everything.He’s got a pattern of inappropriate behavior, and if it’s interfering with anyone’s work — yours, his, anyone else’s as a result of having to negotiate the tension — personnel should know about it.

Hi Sars.

Right now, it’s post-midnight.I
have to get up early and go to school in the morning.
Meanwhile, my brother has nothing to do tomorrow.
I’m awake right now, because he and his girlfriend are
having such a bout of sex that it woke me up.There’s
“ooo”-ing and “ahh”-ing and even loud thumping on the
wall.

My brother and I are both in our early twenties and live at
home with the parents.The parents are sleeping right
now.The girlfriend’s parents are rarely home and she
has no brothers or sisters to be woken up.It’s a
miracle my parents didn’t wake up and cause a scene.

So how in the hell can I let my dipshit brother know
that loud sex in the middle of the night while the
entire family is home, especially when getting up
early the next morning is involved, is just NOT
something I want to have to deal with?I don’t want
to have to say, “Hey Brother, please shut the hell up
while you screw your lady friend,” but at the moment
that sounds like a good idea.Any tasteful
alternatives would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Awake and Pissed Off

Dear Awake,

Oh, man.I just had a flashback to the night before I had to take the GREs.Girl across the hall…her out-of-town boyfriend…orgasmic ululating reminiscent of an enraged banshee…I mean, more power to her, usually, but when I have to call up barely-extant math skills I haven’t used in four years at eight the next morning?Bite a pillow, missy.

So, just pull your brother aside and say it.I mean, say it nicely: “Bro, look…wow, this is awkward.Okay, you kept me awake with your indoor sporting event last night, and I had to get up early today, so if you could try to keep it down in the future, or maybe spend the night at your girlfriend’s house…?Because strictly from a Freudian standpoint, I really don’t need to hear that shit.Thanks.”But…say it.You all have to share the house; if he’s keeping you up, ask him to stop.

Dear Sars,

I have this friend… we’ll call her “Ellen.” Ellen and I have been friends ever since she transferred to my school, which was nearly three years ago. That may not seem like a terribly long time to an adult, but to an adolescent, three years is like a lifetime. So anyway, yes. Ellen, longtime friend.

A few weeks ago, Ellen met a new friend — we’ll call her “Nell.” Nell is a lot more popular than I am, and Ellen met a lot of new people while she was hanging out with Nell. This was all fine and dandy until I noticed that Ellen completely ignored me if Nell was in sight. In the hallways, Ellen would walk with me until Nell got there; then, they’d leave me, and just walk away.

At first, I didn’t mind the hall-ditching. I mean, I minded, but I didn’t make it a big deal. Ellen was, after all, my friend, and she should be allowed to have other friends, right? Well…eventually, things got a little more annoying. Ellen stopped carrying on conversations in public (i.e. school) with me; if we were together at her house or mine, all she talked about was Nell, and how cool she was, and how funny she was, and how many people she knew. When I asked Ellen — rather politely, I thought — to stop talking about Nell so much because it made me feel like crap, Ellen got extremely emotional, and said something about Nell being the only happy and positive thing in her life, the only thing she could smile about, et cetera and so on. I immediately backed off, thinking that I had overreacted and Ellen was just making a new friend, as I had thought in the first place.

But…Sars, am I really overreacting? Ellen won’t speak to me at all when she’s with Nell, but when Nell’s not around, Ellen and I are best friends again. It bothers me a lot when Ellen abandons me to go and walk with Nell in the hallways, but should it? I can’t figure out if I’m being stupid, or if it’s right of me to feel slighted by Ellen’s behavior.

Ellen’s Unwilling Ex

Dear Unwilling,

If anything, you’re under-reacting.Ellen acts like you don’t exist when Nell’s around, and when Nell’s not around, she treats you like a fallback so that she can…talk about Nell some more?She told you to your face that Nell is “the only happy and positive thing in her life”?What the hell is that?

Ellen treats you like crap.Point it out to her and tell her to stop, and if she won’t, stop hanging out with her.I know you’ve considered her a friend for three years, but she’s not treating you the way friends treat each other.She’s treating you like a fill-in — and that’s on a good day.You don’t need friends like that.

Call bullshit on her.It’s time.

[10/10/03]

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