Actually there’s an easy way to tell if a belt (or any substance for
that matter) contains nickel. Nickel is ferromagnetic, which means a
magnet will stick to it. This is also true of iron and cobalt, so this
method could produce a lot of false positives if there are a lot of
clothiers that use iron and cobalt in their work. I don’t know how
sensitive Cinch is, so if her allergy is more sensitive than a
strong magnet, this method would have a lot of false negatives too,
but it might be worth at least some preliminary testing, because
taking a magnet shopping with you is much easier than calling a
customer service rep who probably doesn’t know the answer anyway.

GP3

Dear G,

I’m…not sure if you’re telling her to bring a magnet, or not to bother, but it can’t hurt, right?

Other suggestions appear below; if I got it more than once, it’s asterisked.

Paint the back of the belt buckle with clear nailpolish*
Get a nickel-testing kit (any dermatologist should have/can order one)
Wesley Noble’s belts: www.wesleynoble.com
www.nonickel.com*
Go to craft fairs to buy buckles (the artisans will know the nickel content, at least)
Lands’ End’s Women’s Glove Leather Belt (the buckle is brass)

Dear Sars,

Even if you do not deem this question Vine-worthy, I’m hoping for a sort of emotional release just from the writing and the sending of it.My question is this: how can a grown woman of 24 emotionally distance herself from her parents’ marriage?

Let me begin by saying that I love my parents both very much and that each of them have very wonderful qualities.That being said, my parents’ marriage has always been somewhat rocky.My dad has quite the temper (never physically or verbally abusive though) and can be emotionally distant and my mother is quite sensitive, and emotionally unstable.I’m emotionally sensitive myself and have always been prone to asking the question, “Are you guys going to get divorced?” since I was in elementary school.

Over the years, listening to my parents fight and hearing them talk about one another in not such nice ways has begun to take its toll for three reasons (probably more, but I’ve narrowed it down to three).The first is that it’s hard for me to ignore the behavior of my parents.Two, I find the whole idea of divorce very upsetting.While I certainly believe that divorce can be the right thing to do in certain situations, I cannot visualize my own family without my parents at the center of it.Three, as the oldest, I feel like I have some accountability for the happiness of my siblings and I feel helpless and torn (between my own melancholia and wanting to provide support for them) when they talk to me about our parents’ marital problems.

Sars, do you have any thoughts on how I can distance myself from being overly concerned about my parents’ marriage and still maintain healthy and happy relationships with all of the members of my family?And how can I stop thinking about the possibility of my parents’ divorce as something that devastatingly impacts my life so that I can sleep again at night?

I Borrowed A Book From the Library Titled “Why Daddy Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Dear Book,

I think you should think about getting some counseling.Children need love and food/shelter, of course, but they also need stability — not just routine, but emotional stability, things they can rely on and know for sure.Your parents’ marriage made it hard for you to find that as a child, and as a result, you feel sort of unmoored as an adult.If they’d just gone ahead and gotten divorced when you were a kid, you might have been better off; at least then it would be done with one way or the other.This way, you’ve been on edge pretty much constantly since childhood, and you don’t have positive ways to cope with that.

A therapist could really help you find ways to be concerned without being phobic about it, and to work on your self-confidence so that the prospect of your parents splitting up isn’t quite so traumatic for you.

In the meantime, make it clear to your parents that you don’t want to be party to their fights, and back that up — don’t let them talk shit about one another to you, and if they’re arguing, remove yourself from the situation (and take your siblings with you if possible).No marriage is perfect and no parent is perfect, and sometimes people just get pissed, but generally speaking it’s better not to take care of marriage business in front of the kids, and since your parents don’t get that, you’ll have to get it for them, and leave when they start in.

What you feel is perfectly appropriate, I would say; this kind of behavior has an effect, and bracing for the worst is a hard habit to break.But a good therapist can get you started on doing that, not to mention providing a safe, neutral place to vent.You shouldn’t have had to deal with this in the first place, really, so get some help with it.

Sars,

Feeling a bit cold and heartless here, so I’m hoping you can give me a swift kick or some clarity.I know it’s long, so apologies in advance. Edit as you feel necessary.

Been married for 10 years. For eight of those years, Hubby has been ill. First, they though he had Celiac Disease. We managed that pretty well. He stuck to a gluten-free diet, but still had four- to six-week-long bouts of feeling sick. When he started getting really sick last summer (lost about 20 pounds), we learned that he never had Celiac but instead has Crohn’s Disease.

Understandably, that was a blow to him. For seven years he religiously followed a gluten-free lifestyle when it wasn’t necessary. Plus, now he had a disease that is much harder to manage. He became very depressed, and shut himself off from me, the kids (we have two, ages six and two), his family, et cetera.

In the last 12 months, he has been through one drug regimen after another. Eventually, we thought he had a winner. He started living his life again, enjoying being outside, joining a new activity that he loves, being a dad again, et cetera. Well, we found out last week that the medicine he has been on has caused him to have osteoporosis at age 33. So, he has to quit the activity he loves and curtail all others that could cause him to fall. And the drug guessing game needs to begin again.

Throughout all of this, I have supported him as best I could. He refuses to go to counseling, so he just remains depressed and distant. I’ve taken up all of the responsibility in raising our children and running the household — cooking, cleaning, daycare/school drop-offs and pickups, extracurricular activities, laundry/ironing, bill-paying, lawn-mowing, dog-walking, you name it. I take care of everything, while working a full-time job. He just needs to get in the shower, shave and get himself to and from work, and work the day. He won’t even get off the couch without first asking me to make him chocolate milk (“It’s a medical necessity!”) or let out the dogs.

I’m ashamed to admit this, but I’m starting to resent him. Okay, I resent the hell out him right now. I don’t have the liberty of just coming home and going to bed for three hours. I can’t just decide to go on a “drive-about” at 3:00 in the afternoon on Saturday because the kids drive me crazy. Unlike him, I can’t take a new job that requires 25% travel because it’d be good for my psyche (I didn’t know about the travel requirement until after he accepted the position). I can’t sleep in until 9 or 10 on the weekends. The kids need me. I can’t even be sick for more than 36 hours, without him telling me to get over it.

I’ve tried to talk to Hubby about this. I’ve tried to get his parents involved to help snap him out of his depression. I’ve tried to bring him to a counselor and…nothing. It isn’t enough for him. He says I don’t give him the emotional support he needs (read: sex and unlimited backrubs). He says that I don’t understand what it’s like to have a chronic disease. He gets mad at me when I’m too tired for sex, telling me I make him feel undesirable, which only makes his depression worse. When I get really frustrated, he threatens to kill himself saying it’d be easier for me and the kids. Or, he ignores me altogether and simply asks if I’m done when I’ve tried to talk to him.

Sars, I’m seriously contemplating divorce. His selfish behavior hasn’t just manifested itself — it’s probably been there from the beginning. I just didn’t notice it (or care) as much until we had two children to raise, and realized I couldn’t do it all by myself. And it certainly has gotten much more prevalent since he’s been sick and depressed.

Every time I think about divorce, however, I think about my “in sickness and in health” vows. Depression is a sickness, and I don’t want to bail on him in his time of need. But, if he refuses to get help, what else can I do? Being his mommy isn’t satisfying me, and really isn’t helping him.

Thanks,
Is There a Statute of Limitations on Wedding Vows?

Dear Stat,

You know, I hear you on feeling guilty about resenting him when he’s sick, but…what about his end of those vows?”In sickness and in health” applies to him too, and the fact that you’re healthy isn’t something he gets to hold over you; I’m not seeing a lot of honoring or cherishing from him here.

He’s ill; it’s been confusing and a hassle; he’s had a rough time.But you’ve supported him, and you’re functionally working three jobs — your day job, plus raising two children, plus caring for a giant baby.Certainly there are times when one partner has to suck it up and chuck the division of labor, but those “times” should not last the better part of a decade, I don’t think, and the fact is that this situation continues because it suits him.You wait on him, you support him, you make him chocolate milk when he demands it because it’s easier than taking a hard line…you don’t give his bullshit any consequences.

Tell him what you’ve just told me.Yeah, I know, you’ve tried that; do it again.Tell him that you can’t go on like this because the stress and resentment is killing your marriage and making you depressed, and either he gets some counseling and some anti-depressants and starts to take control of a life that contains a wife and children, or you will leave.

Before you have this discussion, sit down with yourself, look at the situation, and think about how that might go — leaving him, I mean.Where would you live?What would you do about custody?Make lists; think it through.I know you don’t want to do it, but if he’s not going to change, you’re going to get stuck nursemaiding him for the rest of your life, and it’s great that you want to be a person of integrity and honor your marriage vows, but there does come a point, when you’re the only one doing so, when it’s not integrity to stick around so much as masochism.

Think about what you want from your life, what you want for your kids, what you want them to see in their parents.Think about why you married this guy and how you might go about getting back to that.When you have a plan, I think you have to lay down the law — he gets his shit together or he’s out.Will this give him a “come to Jesus” moment?Possibly, but that’s not why you should do it.You should do it because you deserve better, and because your kids should not grow up with the idea that self-pitying dickishness is okay behavior.

[10/10/06]

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