Sars,

Insert fawning praise of your web site and other projects here. I enjoy all the things you write, thanks so much for sharing them with the world.

Worried Officemate needs to know that Susan has a problem, and it’s not her abusive boyfriend. Women who are truly trapped in abusive situations do not make a point of showing you their bruises, recounting verbal and physical brawls, or complaining endlessly about the jackass. Women who do that are called “emotional vampires.” Susan is not making a cry for help. She is playing the role of the wronged martyr, solely for the benefit of outside parties such as Officemate. Susan doesn’t want to leave the abusive situation. She wants Officemate and anyone else within earshot to worry terribly over her safety — to put it bluntly, she wants people to care about her, and she doesn’t think they have a reason to unless she’s living in these dramatic, dire circumstances.

Nothing makes this more clear than Susan’s guilting of Officemate every time O mentions her wonderful fiance. By continuously comparing O’s fiancé to her boyfriend, Susan keeps the spotlight directed on her and her crap instead of anyone else. And I think she enjoys discombobulating everyone around her — she thinks the more upset they are, the more they care for her. Drama queens believe that where there’s drama, there’s love and attention. And Susan is the most theatric type of drama queen, putting even her personal safety at risk in search of it.

Officemate is a wonderful friend for being so worried about Susan, but her emotions and sympathies are being manipulated by Susan. O needs to stop giving Susan positive reinforcement for her dramatics. The next time Susan talks in long, involved detail about a violent argument she had with jackass, O should say, loudly and firmly, “Susan, you MUST get away from this guy pronto. He is bad for you and someday he is going to KILL you.” If Susan persists, O should state that she doesn’t want to hear anything else about jackass, good bad or indifferent, until Susan has made the decision to leave him. Susan will have no choice but to either stop talking about it, or get her drama and attention fix by leaving him. And really, that’s the best thing for everybody.

Sign me,
Bullshit Detector

Dear Detector,

I think that’s a vast oversimplification of what’s going on here, and uncharitable to boot.I agree that it’s a little weird that Susan is so public about the abuse, and it’s tempting to blow it off on those grounds, but the fact remains that APJ is physically abusing her.You might not like how Susan chooses to deal with it, but it’s still happening.Getting killed is pretty dramatic, too.Doesn’t mean Susan had it coming.

Dear Sars,

Love the column, love the Vine.

And generally, I agree with what you told the Worried Officemate about her co-worker Susan’s abusive situation. But I really have to disagree with your suggestion that WO talk to a boss or HR person. WO might want to encourage Susan to talk to them herself, but it seems to me a bad idea to go behind Susan’s back and talk to someone else about her situation. Susan clearly trusts WO and seems to be reaching out to her (otherwise she’d be making up stories about the bruises, not asking whether her make-up covers them well enough), but that doesn’t give WO the right to tell anyone else at work about it. As the National Council Against Domestic Violence suggests, Susan’s right to “self-disclose” her situation is important. If WO feels she’s in an untenable position as a co-worker, she needs to take it up with Susan, and if she does decide to tell someone else about Susan’s situation, she should be honest with Susan about that as well. Imagine how Susan would feel if her boss called her in and somehow knew about her situation and tried to “light a fire under her” — that could accentuate the feelings of shame she’s probably already feeling about being in an abusive situation, will certainly have her second-guessing herself for having trusted WO, might make her feel that she really can’t trust anyone and that she really is alone (a feeling most abusers try to promote), and in the end may have the opposite effect WO’s hoping for. Yes, it might not have that effect, but I think it’s too risky to try.

The other major reason for WO not to go to her boss or HR folks about this is because one of the primary guidelines for working with victims of abuse is “Don’t tell them what to do.” Their abuser already does that, and they need to learn to make decisions and trust their decisions. As I learned in my hotline training, you have to support the choices that she is making —
even if she decides to go back to her abusive situation. It seems counterintuitive and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn, because on a gut level you just want to scream, GET OUT NOW! But the key to breaking the cycle of abuse is for the victim of abuse to make her own decisions. Being told what to do by someone else only reproduces the pattern. And even if her boss only suggests she get help, that’s awful close to being told what to do — and that’s not what this woman needs right now.

The National Council Against Domestic Violence website has helpful advice both for abuse victims and for concerned friends and co-workers, as does the National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-SAFE
(TTY 1-800-787-3224).

Worried About the Officemate Too

Dear Worried Too,

Thanks for the resources.

You know better than I how to handle these situations, so I’ll defer to your judgment.But WO has made noises to the effect that Susan should consider leaving APJ, and Susan hasn’t taken that seriously; I don’t think a suggestion from WO that Susan talk to someone in HR, or any other suggestion, would meet with much more success.

I don’t have an answer here.It’s my impression that nothing WO says will really “work,” regardless of whom she says it to.

Dearest Sars,

I realize you’re not a cat shrink or anything, but I must ask for help regarding a sensitive feline situation — my cat is addicted to razors. No, this is not a joke like L.A. Doctors. I’m afraid as far as kitty endangerment goes, this is probably worse than feeding little fire hydrants french fries.

I don’t mean to put the razors in her way. It just so happens that I’m not very tall, so I tend to put my cheapie disposable razors on the side of the bathtub rather than anywhere else. Once I do that, my little chubby friend likes to climb into the bathtub while I’m at work and prance around the house munching on the handles. It took me a while to figure out what was going on. I mean, I just didn’t expect the little beast was actually carrying Bic razors from the third floor down to the basement.

Lately, I’ve been vigilant about putting the razors up high, but now it turns out she’s not just addicted to used razors, she likes new ones, too. Those aren’t so bad because at least they’ve got plastic covers on the blades, but it’s still not good for her. Plus, I suppose I could perform some ritual toe-ectomy when I least expect it thanks to her.

Is there anything you can think of to do for this kind of thing? A friend suggested I pull the blades off one and let her have it, but I’m afraid that reinforces the behavior. Any thoughts, oh wise one?

Cut Up in California

Dear Cut Up,

Put the razors in a cabinet that the cat can’t get into.When you need to shave, take a razor out; use it; dry it off; put it back into the cabinet (or drawer, or cubbyhole, or whatever).

Little Joe would spend all day chewing on my ponytail holders if I let him, which is why I keep them in a box on a shelf he can’t get at.Unless you live in an apartment with absolutely no storage areas whatsoever, I don’t think I see the problem here.

[10/11/01]

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