A few months ago I met a wonderfully amazing boy. In all of my 25 years, I
never met anyone like him. We clicked instantly and fell in love quite
quickly.

But. Law school starts soon and he has no idea how we’re going to
make it work when he moves. When we first met I was concerned that he
wouldn’t have time for me between school and working (both in NYC, I’m in
central Jersey), he assured me that he would and not to worry.

Now that he’s convinced me not to worry, he’s worrying. Big time. Here’s
his dilemma:

He’s going to be working (part-time CPA) and going to school at night.
He’s already so busy with just working and it’s just going to get worse
when school starts. He’s going to be disappointing me when I ask him to do
something and he tells me that he just can’t because he has class or he
has to work. He’s going to be disappointed if he has to do that over and
over again and is going to feel terrible that he keeps letting me down.
He’s going to be sad that he can’t be what he wants to be to me, and feels
like it’s unfair to me that I have to sacrifice all of this when we just
met and that he would be keeping me from meeting someone that could be
everything that he can’t and could give me everything that he feels I
deserve. He’s going to be sad that he can’t see me when he wants and that
he isn’t able to do the little, and big, things that he wants to be able
to do. His concern is that we’re going to be missing out on that time in
our relationship that allows us to develop a foundation and build
something real. That we won’t know what a real life together could be like
because we would be working within very constructed settings.

So I say to him, if you want to make it work, we’ll make it work. And he
should also let me decide if I’m disappointed. He says that he’s
conflicted. In his heart he thinks that he’s met a great girl and wants to
be with me and all of that, but then the logical part of him kicks in and
says that he has no idea how this is actually going to work because he’s
at a shitty time where he has to be kind of selfish due to school demands
and he doesn’t want that, but we met at this bad time and there’s nothing
he can do about it no matter how much he’d rather things be different.

I don’t know. I guess I think love is enough and you make time for what’s
important, and if we wanna do this, we’ll do this no matter what. He’s
bummed that he can’t tell me or promise me anything, that he’s leaving me
hanging. But I don’t want to be with anyone else, neither does he, so
let’s embrace what we CAN get out of this, but for him if it’s not a real
relationship because of the circumstances, we have to accept that so I can
find a boy who will be what I need. I say I don’t want another boy because
it’s so terribly hard to meet someone that you really connect with, and we
go on and on for hours. And we’re both very sad.

The more I dwell on this, it almost seems as if he’s making excuses or as
if he’s already made up his mind, but doesn’t want to tell me. He says if
this school thing wasn’t looming we’d be a normal sickening happy couple.

So.
1) What the hell do we do? It’s so hard to break up with someone when there
are no problems.
2) Do we break it off now or try to spend the remaining time together?
3a) When he leaves do we try to make it work or do I say goodbye?
3b) And if I say goodbye, do I cut him out completely even though he says
no matter what he wants to keep me in his life because he cares about me?
4) How bad is working and going to school really? I did it (not law but
still) and it sucked, but not so much that I couldn’t make time for
someone.

Why can’t anything be easy, damnit!?

Dear Because,

Okay, first of all, unless I’m reading this wrong, he’s going to school an hour away, tops.Going from Jersey to the city is not “leaving,” strictly speaking.Second of all, I think you both need to stop talking about the relationship all the freakin’ time and just be in it for five minutes.All this wailing and rending of garments from him?By going on and on and on about how guilty he’s going to feel, he’s managing to give you a guilt trip for wanting to continue the relationship, so either he doesn’t want responsibility for your feelings in the event that it doesn’t work out, or he’s neurotic.

If it’s the former, you should walk away now, because when he has to be talked into staying with you, your days are already numbered, trust me.If it’s the latter…well, who isn’t?I’m a nationally ranked overthinker myself; no judgments.But the guy needs to get out of his own way and stop discussing to death stuff that hasn’t even happened yet.And you need to tell him exactly that, that it’s starting to sound like excuses in advance to you, and if he doesn’t want to be with you, he needs to come out and say it like a big boy, but if he does, it’s time for him to stop whining and let it ride for a while.

Yes, balancing work and school and a relationship is hard, but people do it every day.Worrywarting ceaselessly over it isn’t the same as balancing, though.You both need to trust things to work themselves out and to deal with problems as they arise — instead of creating them ahead of time and letting them interfere with the relationship.

Dear Sars,

I think I probably just need a good old kick up the jacksie
and I reckon you might be the woman to give it…

I’m a London commuter, have been for four months now. My
journey starts at Aldgate or Liverpool Street, goes through
Kings Cross and then I quite often go to Russell Square to
nip to the shops or cash machine on the way in to work. I go through or close to three out of the four
bomb sites. I’ve got the same “almost” story that everyone
else has, nine times out of ten my mainline train is late
and I would have been in the wrong place at the wrong time
had it not been on time for a change. I don’t know anyone
who is missing or who was seriously hurt, friends of
friends are missing and a colleague was walking wounded. No
different to anyone else I don’t think.

But everyone else seems to be coping better than me. I
didn’t go into work the day after purely because my office was
shut and there wouldn’t have been any point in doing a two-hour commute as a gesture. I went in the next working day and travelled as
much of my normal tube route as was open. It was quiet,
five or six people per carriage and eerie when we went
through Kings Cross. It smelled of smoke and you knew that
there were still people in there. I had to do it though — I
know myself, every day I’d avoid it, it would have got
harder to eventually go back. My point is that I went about
my Monday as normally as I could.

I guess what I’m asking is, is it reasonable to feel as if
I’m under a bit of a black cloud, to take it so personally
against my city (where I don’t even live), my colleague,
people I never even met who were hurt or worse? I’m upset
but in a way I don’t feel I have a right to be. Some of my
colleagues seem quite blase about the whole thing. It’s not
going to affect my behaviour but it is affecting my mood. I
can’t stop thinking about it. I grew up near London at a
time when the IRA were prevalent, I’m used to bomb alerts
and hearing about bombs but this is different. Am I being
unreasonably affected and jittery (not helped by clouds of
black smoke on the tube this evening) over something that
in a way doesn’t involve me? And if not, how do I shake
this other than to keep to my routine and hope it fades?

Thanks,
Nervy commuter

Dear Nerve,

You’re upset; it is what it is, so don’t beat yourself up about whether you “should.”It’s how you feel.

These things affect everyone differently.We just had another subway alert last week, and it turned out to be a hoax (gee, “thanks,” informant), but we didn’t know that then; most of us kind of expect that the next strike is going to happen underground.We got the warning from the mayor, and some people stayed home from work.Others braved the trains but were kind of on edge.Still others were like, “Whatever,” and didn’t pay attention, really.None of these responses is right or wrong; it’s just people who live in a big city in a country a lot of people hate right now, trying to get through the day.

It’s the same for you.It’ll get easier with time; it won’t feel as raw and painful.What happened in London is awful and scary, and it’s important to acknowledge that, as long as it’s not unduly affecting your routine or making you too depressed to function — and if that starts to happen, you should go see a counselor or PTSD therapist and talk about it.

But for now, give yourself a break.It takes a while.

Hi Sars,

The situation is this: I have three very good friends, Laura and Krista and Tim.
The four of us are all very close. Tim is currently living on the other side
of the country for a year while doing some study for school, and Laura and
Krista and I live here. I returned recently from a vacation of about six weeks
— but the night before I had left, Tim came out to me.

I was shocked and surprised, but that was pretty much it. I discovered that
Krista had found out about Tim’s sexuality about six months prior to me, which
was fine, because the two of them had been growing closer and everyone had
expected it to develop into something more than friendship (including Krista
and Tim). So it came as no surprise to me that Krista already knew.

The issue is Laura. She and Tim are extremely close, and she has the most
contact with him now that he is far away. We are all best friends and life
is grand in most respects, but he has still not told her. This is absolutely
fine — I want him to tell her when he is comfortable, and because they are
so close, he wants to wait until he is able to tell her in person to have
the conversation. Again, knowing Laura as we do, I think this is a good idea
(my only concern is that she will be more upset at not his being bisexual or
gay, but at his concealing it from her the longest). What matters most to me
is that Tim is telling people because he wants to, not because he thinks
we’ll totally wig out if we don’t know.

Laura and I are pretty much best friends. The problem is every time we
discuss Tim or Krista or when he gets home or life in general, somehow there
are all these little things that get mentioned or things that get said.
Things that aren’t homophobic or mean or anything, things that are
completely normal and what you would say as you’re sitting in Starbucks
drinking your mochas — but they are things that are clearly based on the
fact that she believes Tim is straight.

Now, I will never ever tell Laura anything about Tim’s sexual orientation,
that’s not even an issue here. I’m not afraid I’ll let it slip, I’m not
going to pressure him to tell her. I just hate that Tim has left me (and
Krista) in this position — and then I feel like a total ass for being angry
about it. I know I shouldn’t be such a bitch, that dealing with this is
obviously a lot harder for him than it is for me, but at the same time, it’s
difficult to handle the fact that I am lying to her. I don’t sit there and
have long drawn-out conversations about any of this, but when she says
something like “maybe he’s met a girl” et cetera, I find myself replying
with the typical “I know, eh” (yes, I am Canadian).

Tim won’t be home for another six months, and we all really miss him, and we
all talk to him on a regular basis, birthdays and things are happening, so
he comes up in conversation pretty regularly (especially since Laura and I
are possibly going to become roommates with Tim when he gets home). When
Laura finally does find out, I know she’s going to be more hurt than
anything by the fact that I knew before she did — and while she’ll
understand why I couldn’t and wouldn’t say anything, it’s still going to
bother her.

Now for the questions. Any suggestions on how to deal with the situation
until Tim has the conversation with Laura? Should I just change the subject?
Continually to nonchalantly agree and talk about things as we always have? Is
there really anything else I can do, even? (And am I totally evil for hating
the fact that Tim is far away, not dealing with having conversations like
this with Laura, but Krista and I are the ones who have to talk about him
with her?)

And after Tim talks to her, is there anything I can do to help Laura? She’s
not going to majorly freak out or anything, but she’s the type of person
that will spend some time wondering if it’s something about her that meant
she was the last to know. I hate knowing that she’s going to get whacked
with this, but I also am dreading the possibility that I am going to get
whacked with her anger. Any sage words you can offer would be much
appreciated.

Stuck in the middle like PB and J

Dear PB,

You need to tell Tim that he’s putting you in an awkward position, because that may not have occurred to him.You can stress that you don’t want to put pressure on him, and that you do want him to do this at his own pace…but you’re misleading Laura and you don’t appreciate having to do that for him.Because yes, coming out is a delicate process, but he does need to recognize that you didn’t sign on for lying to your friends, and you should consider letting him know that you’re not up for doing that anymore.

I think he can just tell her over the phone, honestly, and the fact that she keeps relentlessly bringing up whether he’s “met a girl” sounds, to me, like she’s fishing for information to the contrary, so…she probably already knows, or senses it.Regardless, he needs to just tell her already, I think, and if she gets upset because she’s the last to know, it’s between her and Tim.”How could you keep this from me?””Tim asked me to.””Why wouldn’t he just tell me?””You’d have to ask Tim.”It’s Tim’s decision to do it this way; you should put responsibility for it at his feet and do your best to stay out of it otherwise.

Again, I understand that coming out isn’t a cinematically smooth road, but…this kind of secret-agent business is often why.Tim’s kind of making more aggro for himself by insisting on handling Laura this way, and you should probably point that out to him.

Sars,

To jump right into it, my husband and I have been trying to have a
baby for about a year now. It’s been a pretty horrid monthly process
of disappointment, focus on possibility, wait…wait…get
excited…and…disappointment. Every month is a roller coaster from
way down to up to way down. Considering the situation, hubby and I
have found a really great balance between each other, and if anything,
we’re getting closer, so no worries there.

I have friends with children and don’t have much of a problem with
that. I don’t experience jealousy or any “why not me” kind of feelings
around them because I’m Auntie and it’s all good. HOWEVER (and there
wouldn’t be a submission without a however), recently, a good friend
has informed me that she is pregnant, and suddenly, all the good
Auntie-vibes went straight out the window.

A little background on our friendship: we’re “new good friends”
meaning we’ve known each other for less than two years, but she is a
wonderful person to be friends with. She’s loyal and caring, but also
scatterbrained and a little inconsiderate at times. I could handle her
lack of tact in conversations when it was simply her talking about
fictional children she may or may not have what seemed like a
quasi-distant future — a year from now, even six months. Conversations
would go something like this: “Girl, I’m having a rough ‘baby’ day
today, can we not talk about baby stuff?””Oh, sure, but real quick,
I just wanted to let you know I found the CUTEST bedding I’d like to
put in my baby room when…”Et cetera.

She decided to start “trying but not really” last month (at which
point, I asked her how exactly one does that…I think you’re either
protected or not, you know?) and lo and behold, the “trying” won out
and she got pregnant. In one month. And oh, I’m one of the only
people, besides her parents, that she’s telling. Which puts me in the
lovely position of being her main confidante.

I don’t want to embrace the green-eyed monster, but the feelings have
been unavoidable, and I hate it. I hate that when I let my thoughts
wander, I become this judgmental ass that thinks things like, “Hubby
and I would make MUCH better parents. Our finances are in order, not
hers. We’re both working, her husband’s unemployed…why the hell her
and not me?” I hate it, yet it’s there.

Add to this that she has already started having problems. There’s only
a 50% chance the pregnancy will last. My Catholic guilt kicks it into
high gear then, ’cause are my bad wishes affecting the karma of
everything? I want her to have a great pregnancy, a happy, healthy
baby, I just don’t want to hear about it, you know? But the added
complications increases our communications because she’s scared, and I
get that, and I love my friends and would never let her just handle it
alone. But there’s the whole “I’m not supposed to get stressed and
overly emotional because that decreases MY chances of pregnancy” thing
to consider, not to mention the evil pills they’ve got me on make me
oh-so-fun to be around, emotionally.

I’ve tried the whole “I’m having a bad baby day, can we talk about
something else” tactic, and it doesn’t seem to work. I guess I’m
looking for some advice on how to deal with being a good friend and
taking care of my own sanity. Sometimes, my thoughts on the matter are
downright evil, and I can’t even imagine why I would think something
so horrid about my friend. It’s almost scary.

We’re going shopping this weekend for clothing for an event we’re
going to, and I swear to God almighty if we wind up baby shopping I’m
going to lose it. Advice on how to deal? On how not to feel like such
an awful person? I know that she’d never imagine the crappy shit I’m
thinking, so from that aspect, I know I’m being a good friend, but…

Just Not Being a Very Good Person Right Now

Dear Just,

First of all, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time; I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and it’s hard to be a big person when you’re frustrated and upset.

But.”The whole ‘I’m not supposed to get stressed and
overly emotional because that decreases MY chances of pregnancy’ thing”?Your whole letter is like that, just kind of perspectiveless and self-absorbed.

To your credit, though, you seem to get that, and you’re trying mightily not to let your friend see it, and certainly it’s not “wrong” to feel how you feel (sensing a theme today, folks?).You’re fed up, you’re sad, you want to be gracious but you don’t think it’s fair that you have to be…all totally understandable.But I think you have to do two things.I think you have to take a firmer line with your friend in terms of not dealing with baby stuff when you just really can’t, because you haven’t done that, exactly.You’ve tried to tell her you’re not in the mood, she’s kind of ignored you, and you’ve just let her, so you need to set slightly firmer boundaries.

I think also that you should get some counseling (theme number two), just so that you can find a more effective way to deal with these situations for your own sake and not get so angry and down about it.I mean, people you know aren’t going to stop having babies; you need to get to a place where it’s not so hard for you to take.Because it’s okay that it’s hard, but I think it doesn’t have to be as hard as it is for you right now.

It’s going to be fine.Have a few sessions with a psychologist, or find a fertility-issues support group where you can let this steam off and not feel judged or like a bad person.Take a bit of time off from that friend if you need to.Get some strength for yourself so you can be good to her.

I’ve been dating and living together with Boy for almost four years now.Everything is wonderful except his aversion to my family.I will readily admit that my family is huge, loud, obnoxious, and just generally crazy.(Sounds a bit like yours, no?)But I love them to death and nothing makes me feel more at home than sitting at a Christmas gathering with several of my relatives carrying on simultaneous conversations with others across the room at the top of their lungs.

Unfortunately, Boy can’t handle this.I should mention that he’s very introverted.If he never left the house and never saw anyone other than me again, he’d be perfectly happy.I figured out pretty quickly he has some type of social anxiety, although he doesn’t admit it.I’ve slowly worked with him a little over the years to get him to leave the house more and he is getting better (we actually go out to dinner a couple of times a month now), but visiting my family is just too much for him.

The plan has always been that we will visit his family for Thanksgiving (very small, very quiet, everyone around one table kind of thing — how weird) and mine for Christmas.I used to go to my family for two days, Christmas Eve and Day.After his first experience, he said he could never do that again, so I agreed to just go for Christmas Day for a few hours.We did this the last two years and although I loved it, it almost made him physically ill.This year he says he’s not going at all.

I love him and I don’t want him to be in a situation that is so difficult for him, but I feel that it’s not too much to ask for him to spend 3-4 hours at my parents’ house.I already go to other family gatherings alone and I’ve agreed to cut down drastically on the amount of time spent over there for Christmas.We’ve talked endlessly about it — I’ve told him how much it hurts me that he doesn’t want to go, he tells me that it isn’t personal, he doesn’t even want to be around his own family — but we’re at an impasse.

Also, I’m a little embarrassed.I don’t know what to tell my parents without anyone getting offended or feeling that Boy is not right for me.So far for other get-togethers, I’ve been able to use the “Boy is working” excuse, but that’s not going to work for Christmas.This whole situation is heartbreaking to me.I’ve tried to get him to go to counseling together or on his own, but he was horrified at the suggestion he go and talk to someone about personal issues.

So, how do I handle this?Is it silly of me to find it that important that he be there with me?Should I try to force him to go?How can I convince him to go without drugging him or something?If he still refuses, how do I explain this to my parents?

Sign me,
Alone for the holidays

Dear Alone,

Understand: visiting your family is not something that Boy can do.He knows it’s important to you; he knows he “should” be able to do it.He can’t.He won’t.It won’t happen.Understand that.

Now, decide whether you can live with it or not.Decide whether you can accept that he’s got an anxiety disorder, and that he’s unable to deal with your family gatherings, because again, this is the fact.He can’t do it.

This isn’t an uncommon problem he’s got; some people aren’t equipped to deal with big hectic social situations, and medication and/or therapy can help…and if he’s not inclined to seek that kind of help, I do know couples who just don’t socialize together because one party pretty much can’t, and the one who can has made peace with it and knows it’s not about him/her.

Now, if you can’t bring yourself to feel that way, and if you need him to become a part of your family, that’s fine too.But he’s not going to change.If that’s the case, you need to lay it out for him; he gets some counseling and makes a yeoman effort, or you’re probably out, because it’s not his fault, but it’s just too lonely for you.

But he’s not going to just decide to suck it up.This decision is on you.Choose to let it go or choose to let him go, that’s it.

[10/11/05]

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