Hi Sars,

I’m so enthralled by TV shows like 48 Hours Mystery and Cold Case Files, but I often feel like they’re leaving out too many details or telling them in the wrong order or something.I figure moving on to true crime lit is the natural progression here, but there’s a whole lot of it out there, and I’d like my crime to at least be well-written.

I recently read Joe McGinniss’s Fatal Vision and John Douglas’s The Cases That Haunt Us, both titles culled from your recommendations in Tomato Nation essays or book reviews.(Surprisingly, my local library has a pretty well-stocked true crime section.)

Now I want more.Any more McGinniss I should look into?Which Ann Rule should I start out with?Any other true crime authors you might particularly recommend?

Signed,
Wanna-be true crime junkie

Dear Wanna,

I’ve read all of McGinniss’s stuff, almost, and I would particularly recommend Cruel Doubt if you liked Fatal Vision — it’s close to that book, sort of, in tone and in the way it pulls you along.Blind Faith is just as well-written, but it felt like McGinniss stayed on the surface more with that one; it’s good, solid crime writing, but not as good as the other two.

Ann Rule gives you about a bazillion titles to choose from, and Rule is not as natural a writer as McGinniss, but in this genre it’s really all relative; her prose is workmanlike but she structures it well.I would start with The Stranger Beside Me and Small Sacrifices, which I’d say are her two most famous.Honestly, I can’t remember which other Rules I’ve read, but they’re all about equally good; you might check out Everything She Ever Wanted, about the Patricia Allanson case, although I seem to recall reading a book by a different author about the same case that was better (and now I can’t find it).

Beyond that, I don’t usually recommend specific authors so much as specific books (again, the writing in this sector is often mediocre and you just have to hope for the best).You can find a number of other true-crime books in my book list; I’d particularly recommend the Stumbo and anything by Vincent Bugliosi.

Readers?Anything not on the book list that you’d suggest?

Sars,

I’m not one to write to advice columns, but I’m in a panic and at a
loss.I feel like I’ve just entered into a dangerous situation, and I’m
really quite terrified.

Essentially, this is about my ex.Let’s call him “Pete.”Pete and I
started dating nearly two years ago.We were both college freshmen, and
he was my first actual boyfriend.We dated for nearly a year, but by
the end of the relationship the sweet boy I once new had become
emotional (and once physically) abusive.So I did the sane thing and
left him.

We shared mutual close friends, so he begged me to remain at
least on speaking terms with him.I stupidly agreed.That was a huge
mistake.He spent a lot of time attempting to get me back (and
attempted suicide several times), and his behavior was decidedly
stalkerish.Our mutual friends became solely my friends, because he
was, well, creepy.Long story short, I now have a different email
address and phone number.

It was my birthday at the beginning of this month, and my friends threw
me a birthday party.Pete was not invited.He got wind of the party,
got drunk, and went out driving to find me.Luckily his roommate found
him and got him home.The roommate is one of the friends who threw me
the party, and when Pete found out, he snapped.He tried to kill his
roommate (he only managed to stab at him, thank God there were no
injuries), and wound up in a 96-hour psychiatric hold.He got out, was
put on anti-depressants, roommate moved out, and all seemed right with
the world.

But Pete somehow managed to get ahold of my new email address, and sent
me an email saying he got a tattoo of an angel that looked like me.He
also informed me that he had a copy of a certain tape we made when we
were together (flashback to last summer, add wine, a video camera, and a
stupid girl who thought that it was love and voila! amateur porn).This
obviously bothered me for several reasons.

I emailed him back and told him (once more) to get out of my life.He
responded by saying that I was an evil woman who used men, and therefore
needed to be put on restraint.(BTW, “used men”?He remains to this
day the only man I’ve dated at all.)He claims that I am trying to break
the heart of one of “our” friends.He forbade my ever speaking to this
friend again.I called him crazy.He claims that he will hand out
copies of the tape we made to the entire college (a very small,
conservative college).

Basically Pete gave me three choices: A) Abandon one of my close
friends, and “give” that friend to him. B) Get back together with Pete
so he can keep an eye on my “devious” behavior. C) Do neither and watch
while the entire school sees our tape.And if I tell any of my friends
about this he will release it as well.And I’m afraid he may become
violent again.

My first instinct was to call the cops, mental health professionals,
anyone who can lock this guy up or help him.But I am going to be
studying in Germany for a semester, and will be leaving Thursday.So I
don’t have time to do any of that.I love my friends, and will be back
at school in five months.But if that tape gets out…

What can I do?I am still trying to figure out why someone would
actually do something like this.

Help,
Scared out of my wits

Dear Scared,

Whether the tape gets out is the last thing you should worry about in this situation right now.What you need to worry about is your safety.You’ll be putting a good bit of physical distance between you, but you need to take the following precautions: 1) Do not communicate with Pete again, in any way, no calls, no notes, no email, nothing.Change your email and phone number again.If he contacts you, save or document the communication, but do NOT respond.2) Make sure your friends know that you don’t want to hear from him or see him. 3) Make sure someone in Germany knows that this situation exists in case God forbid he shows up to harass you auf Deutsch.4) Research restraining orders, and when you get back home, get one — or better yet, 5) change schools and leave strict orders that nobody is to give out any information about you.

Pete is deeply unwell, and if nobody has contacted his parents yet, that needs to happen, like, right now.He’s right at that age where schizophrenic symptoms tend to start manifesting; he needs medical help, he needs it in a controlled setting, but most importantly, someone needs to hear that his behavior is way out of control, and step in and deal with him.So, have your friends call his parents, and once that’s done, get the school administration involved; he’s harassed and assaulted you, and at most schools that grounds for, at the least, a year’s suspension.

Will he put the tape out if you do this stuff?Probably.Honey, he’s crazy.Who cares what he does?Nobody else is going to think less of you, really — at least, not as badly as they do of him for publicizing it — and if they do, seriously?Change schools.Get away from this guy.He’s dangerous.This is the salient point, not that you taped yourselves Doing It and now everyone’s going to know.

Cut him off completely.Report him to whomever you can; he needs psychiatric intervention, badly.And if nothing’s changed on that front by the time you’reback from Germany?Disappear.Seriously.Don’t toy with guys like this, it’s not worth it.Safety first: if you take nothing else away from my response, take away the fact that you must not engage with him again.Period.

Good luck.

Dear Sars —

My mom and I were discussing pronunciation the other
day, and came to an impasse on the word “foyer” as in
a front entry hall.I say “foy-ay,” she says
“foy-er.”Which one is correct?I figured you would
have the answer for us, because you always do.

Can’t come up with a clever tagline

Dear Tag,

Merriam-Webster Online has your mom’s pronunciation listed first, yours listed second, and the hilariously too-much “fwaaaaahhh-yaaaaay” third.

I say “foy-er,” but I don’t have a strong preference either way.If it’s causing strife, just start calling it the entryway or the vestibule.

Hey Sarah,

So I’ve got kind of a morality question, and I’m
wondering if I did a really horrible thing. My friends
are pretty split on the issue but just tell me to move
on, but I’m still thinking about this a lot.

I was
dating a guy, who I met online. We never got to the
point of exclusivity, but once we started sleeping
together I made it clear to him that I didn’t want to
be with him if he was with other people and we both
agreed that we wouldn’t be sleeping with anyone else.
I guess I didn’t really trust him, and started to act
irrationally, checking up on him online, et cetera. I’d ask
him about that stuff and he knew I was doing it so I
wasn’t really hiding it. The online dating thing can
be hard, because it’s so easy to see if someone you
think you’re getting serious with is still going
online. In any case, things were sort of on-again
off-again with us because it turned out he was moving
out of the area. We stopped speaking for a while, and
then got together again about a month before he was to
move.

When we did get together at first it seemed just as
friends, but once things got physical again I asked him
repeatedly if he was with anyone else, or had been
with anyone else since we were together. I think he
knew I wouldn’t have hooked up with him if he had
been. He was adamant that there hadn’t been anyone
else. Things were physical between us again, next day
he pretty much said he didn’t want to commit to
anything in the time he had left, not much else to the
story. Except I got the hunch that there was someone
else. Why that wasn’t enough for me to stop speaking
to him, I don’t know.

In any case, I found out he was
with someone else, had been the entire time I was
dating him (for about four months off and on) and she was
pretty much his girlfriend. The way I found this out
and what I did next was what’s making me question
myself. I know they say if you’re feeling like you
can’t trust someone, you should just end it because you
feel like that for a reason, but at the same time,
people will try to convince you that it’s your own
trust “issues” and nothing they’re doing, so you start
to doubt yourself. Right now I’m doubting I’ll ever be
able to tell again if someone is being honest.

So…I went through his email. We hooked up one night,
I couldn’t sleep, went out to his living room and his
computer was on. I knew something was up, there were a
lot of little signs (including a half-hour conversation
he had with her in front of me after he and I hooked
up one night). He’d insisted this girl was just a
friend, had long, in-depth stories to prove it, said
he wasn’t attracted to her, that he’d never be that
cruel or stupid to actually call his girlfriend while
another girl he was seeing was there, and…I guess I
can’t say I did believe him because I went through his
stuff. The emails proved it, I confronted him, he
copped to pretty much everything but didn’t ask me how
I found out.

I told him I was going to tell her, and
the next day I sent her a lengthy email letting her
know. It wasn’t at all a “hey, I fucked your
boyfriend” email. It wasn’t gloating or mean, I tried
to be as nice as possible and guess I stupidly thought
she’d respect that I decided to tell her, because if
it was me I’d want to know. I was letting her know
what a liar he was, and that he’d slept with both of
us without protection (he and I had both been tested
because we weren’t using condoms and I wanted to be
safe, and he swore up and down that he’d never be with
someone else while being with me) and who knows if he
slept with anyone else. Anyway, she sent back a not so
nice response, he sent me a horrible email calling me
a pyscho, saying I caused the whole thing with all my
issues which was why he didn’t want to date me, that
it’s nuts to go through someone’s stuff and I was a
pyscho for emailing her and told me not to contact
either of them again, and that’s the end of the story.
I haven’t heard from either of them, and I haven’t
contacted either of them.

Now, I know I went too far when I went through his
things, but I’ve been cheated on before and I needed
to know the truth. He lied for months, about
everything, and nothing he was saying made sense.I
know I went a little nuts, and it was wrong, but I also
knew he was never going to tell me what really was
going on. He blamed me for everything and said it was
my issues that made all this happen, but I don’t think
I would have acted this way if he’d told me the truth.
If someone doesn’t want to be with me, I generally am
able to just move on. My pride kicks in and I forget
them. But this guy told me for months how much he
wanted to be with me but was scared to commit to it
because he was moving.

Now I find out none of that is
true, he had a girlfriend that whole time, and
basically cheated on me with her and then cheated on
her with me. So while I know it was wrong to go
through his private emails, was it wrong to tell her?
I guess the guilt comes because I didn’t do it purely
out of good intentions. I wanted her to hate him, give
him hell and I wanted him to suffer. I don’t think
that happened, so I feel even more a fool than I did
before, and I also feel like maybe I’m a horrible
person. I think she had a right to know, if only to go
get tested again as I did, but maybe I didn’t have to
give her all the details. And since he is moving
(probably already has by now) maybe she didn’t need to
know at all?

If you find out you’re the other woman, is it wrong or
right to tell the girl who is getting cheated on? And
was I wrong in this situation? He did a good job of
making me feel guilty and horrible, and I know I did a
lot wrong, but I don’t know exactly what I should have
done. Any advice on how to get past this would be
great.

Signed,
Feeling guilty but not sure why

Dear Guilt,

If it were you, you’d want to know.Really.Because…you do know, now.You were so certain there was something to know in the first place that you spent your entire “relationship” checking up on him, quizzing him about this other girl, waiting to catch him in a lie, and fully expecting him to fuck you over…which, sure enough, he did, and sure enough, you knew about it.So.How’s that going?Do you still want to know?

Your behavior here is…it’s like you want to prove to yourself beyond any doubt that he’s treating you like shit.He won’t commit to you; you already broke up once; you don’t trust him; the whole thing is fraught and anxious and unhappy.And yet, you stay.You debase yourself by snooping and pulling drama-queen stunts like emailing the other girl; you act like he stepped out on a ten-year marriage when you weren’t even exclusive.Why would you do that to yourself?I’m not trying to be mean or embarrass you; I’m trying to get you to see that this is self-destructive, self-flagellating behavior, and that you need to get to the bottom of it before you get into it with anyone else.

It’s not “right” or “wrong” to tell the other woman; it’s irrelevant.She’s irrelevant.Yes, he lied about her, and yes, he may have lied to her, and yes, he’s a dick and made you feel like crap, and you have every right to feel like crap — but the issue, again, is that on some level you think that you “deserve” that feeling and that you have to stick around until that’s confirmed, which you don’t and you don’t.

You’ll get past it in time, but you have some problems trusting other people because you don’t trust yourself or your instincts, and you should probably spend some time, alone, thinking about that — why that is, why you don’t value yourself.Because I think that if you were genuinely like, “I don’t need this shit,” you wouldn’t have felt the need to email the girl all “so THERE.”

Greetings, o great and brilliant Sars,

I have a problem.No, it’s not a boy, it’s not a job, it’s not even grammar — it’s a piece of furniture.

I recently moved into a new apartment, and decided to get a papillon chair (one of those lovely basket-like chairs with a huge fluffy cushion) to put in my main room.I lurve this chair.

The problem I have is that there are these little puckered bits in the huge fluffy cushion, and over the last couple of months they’ve become full of…crud.It looks like mostly dust, and maybe some crumbs and other randomish things.I dust-vac the cushion periodically, because I have a hardwood floor and it’s like the dust bunnies are starting families, and I’ve tried holding the narrowest attachment right up to the puckers, and…nothing.It’s gross.

I’m hoping that you’ll have some advice for me.

Yours,
Seriously — EWW

Dear Seriously,

Vacuuming furniture on a regular basis (or lint-rolling it, or whatever) is fine up to a point, but every so often you should have your upholstered furniture professionally cleaned.Just haul the cushion out to your dry cleaner and have it steam-cleaned, and make sure they see the crud and take care of it.

If the local cleaners doesn’t do that kind of thing, just take down the Yellow Pages and look in the furniture and upholstery sections to find a place near you that deals with it.

[10/12/05]

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