Like Leps, I’ve struggled to make friends for much the same reasons she describes. Leps mentioned that she “spends the money most people spend on cable buying books, which probably says it all.” She might consider coming to hang out on the Chicklit forums. It’s not the same as hanging out IRL, but I’ve found those forums invaluable for practicing my friend-making skills. It certainly helps that pretty much every poster there will understand the “books before everything else” impulse!

Take care!

J

I believe the show is You Bet Your Life, but couldn’t swear to it.
Interestingly enough, the show got an honorable mention in Season 1 of
the new Doctor Who.

BH

Dear BH,

Thanks — I didn’t get any other responses on this one, so You Bet Your Life it is, then.

Dear Sars,

I’m hoping that you can give me a little perspective here, because I feel like I’m going absolutely mad.

A little background: my younger sister and I have always had a tenuous relationship.I was the quiet, pudgy, nerdy little kid with Coke-bottle glasses who rarely took her nose out of a book.Sister was adorable, bubbly, sunny, and always the center of attention.My parents pulled some pretty unfair stuff, which wouldn’t have been so bad if they hadn’t insisted that they ALWAYS tried to be fair.(Refusing to let one child get a driver’s license because of a bad grade in one class, then not only letting the other get her license, but giving her a car, after she failed almost an entire year of high school…is pretty damned unfair in my book.And that’s only one example.)It made me resent the whole family, and I spent quite a few years being bitter about it.Also, I used to be painfully shy and awkward, and Sister always had more friends, more dates, more of everything, it seemed.I was angry about that, and about the fact that I was clinically depressed, improperly medicated, suicidal, self-harming and overweight.

I really thought I’d gotten beyond all that.I was saner, happier, with a better sense of self, making my own life with my husband (who is amazing and hilarious and wonderful), delighted with a lot of my recent decisions, trying to be friends with my sister.She lives fairly close to me, so we’d get together for dinner at least once a week, and would go out with groups of friends on the weekends.We could talk about our lives and problems — her dates and job, my surprising (and overwhelming) desire to have children, the classes I was taking, the most recent episode of The Sopranos.Then she started dating an acquaintance of mine, and blew me off every time I tried to make plans.Ah well…aren’t most people like that in the beginning of a relationship?But then she also became fast friends with Harpy, a malicious and immature person.Sister devoted all of her free time to New Guy and Harpy, and I was hurt and angry, and tired enough of it so that I didn’t make any great effort to see or call her.She didn’t seem to care one way or the other.

Cut to four months later: she and New Guy are having a baby.This wasn’t planned, but they’re going to go ahead with it.

I was pretty shocked, but New Guy seems like a good person, and I think they’ll probably be fine.I told her so.She was worried about our parents’ reaction — they’re fairly conservative — and I told her that they might be a little upset, but that they’d get over it.When she left, I broke down and cried for hours.I felt like it was just one more time in our lives that she was getting what I wanted…only this time, I desperately wanted it and she wasn’t even thinking about it.I was sick with envy.

My husband also wants children, but not now; he wants to wait until some unidentified point in the future when we’re more stable financially.Logically, I know that now isn’t the best time for us to try to conceive, but emotionally, it’s killing me.I want us both to really want to do this, so I’ve tried not to push the issue with him (haven’t always succeeded).It’s especially difficult for me because I swore that I didn’t want kids, ever, but in the last year that has changed to an ever-present desire to be pregnant and have a baby.

So, I’ve been a mess, but have been working through it and not taking it out on my sister.However, a few days after she told me about her pregnancy, I called her and, apropos of nothing, she said some harsh words about how I was “ignoring” her.We hadn’t spoken more than once every couple of weeks for months; me not calling her for three days was nothing out of the ordinary.We ended up getting into an argument. Then I found out that she had called my husband, wanting to know if I resented her; he told her no, but that the news of her pregnancy might be a little difficult for me, owing to the way I’d been feeling for the last year (well-meaning, but not very wise).I tried to talk to her a week later, wanting to find out why she was so suddenly and hugely furious with me, and she refused to tell me.I wanted to know why I was being treated this way, she acreamed at me to leave her the fuck alone and stop badgering her, and implied that I was stressing her out enough to cause a miscarriage.I didn’t talk to her for a while after that.

I’ve tried to make peace, and maybe she has too, but it just doesn’t seem to be working; there’s way too much miscommunication.It doesn’t help that she’s being disingenuous to her boyfriend, if not outright lying (just recently, he very earnestly told me that our parents aren’t speaking to her — not true — and that nobody invites her to go out anymore, when I had invited them both to a cookout at my house two days before and she simply never mentioned it to him).This is nothing new, she’s always been manipulative and self-absorbed, but I hate it.

We had dinner last night, and it was a bit strained at times, but I was happy to see her.However, we were looking at pictures of a friend’s baby and I kept exclaiming at her beauty; Sister was all, “Well, she’s kinda cute, but god, you don’t have to make such a big deal about it.”Almost everything she says seems to have that nasty, dismissive tone…it upset me all over again.I am just sick of dealing with her, but I don’t want for us to be bitter enemies, and I know that I’ll love her baby and have a great time being an aunt. I don’t know what to do about the present time, though.

Sorry for the length of this letter — I’m now ready to hear any advice you care to give.

Tired of being told “It’ll happen for you when the time is right!”

Dear Tired,

Your sister has “always been manipulative and self-absorbed.”From the sounds of this letter, it is always you who tries to maintain a positive relationship with her; she doesn’t make much effort, just expects your caring and support while doing nothing to earn it besides sharing some of your DNA.

I think you feel guilty enough for resenting her, both now and in the past, that it’s hard for you to contemplate just not putting up with her shit anymore, but…you don’t actually have to put up with her shit anymore.I’m not talking gloves-thrown-down brawl under the Christmas tree here, but if she’s lying, call her on it; if she’s speaking to you rudely, ask her to stop, and leave if she pitches a hissy or just doesn’t get it; if she doesn’t call you for a while, enjoy the peace and quiet.Be pleasant and supportive, but stop waiting for this tension to clear so the two of you can become close, because it’s probably not going to happen — and it certainly won’t happen if you’re consistently the supplicant in the relationship.

Not all siblings get along.Your sister sounds kind of spoiled and like a drama queen, but it’s not your job to “fix” her, or “teach” her that that’s annoying.She is what she is, and she might grow up and snap out of it someday, but you don’t really have any control over whether that happens, or when.Your only job here, really, is to acknowledge that, while she’s family, she’s not a very good friend, and to just try to keep the peace without letting her make you feel like crap.

She’s unpleasant for you to spend time with, so…don’t spend time with her.Show an interest in the baby and try to let the rest of it go, because this is a cycle of frustration and tension, and the best way to break it is for you to step out of it voluntarily and distance yourself a bit.If she chooses to make a federal case of it, that’s up to her, but if she’s actually bummed out about her relationship with you, or actually thinks you’re “ignoring” her, maybe it’s time for her to sit with that for a while and think about how that might have come about.

Hi Sars!

This is a problem regarding an ex-friend of mine, M. I live in the UK, and we met at work and got really close over a few months. We used to hang around in a group, and we’d do loads of things together –- go out for drinks, go on holiday together, et cetera. He had moved to England with his boyfriend from the States.

After a few years, M split with his boyfriend and moved back to America. We kept in touch, phoning each other every couple of weeks, and I went over to visit him in your marvelous country. I still counted him a one of my best friends.

The problem started when he came to visit me back in England. He stayed with me for a week, as part of a trip to visit various people and he was -– off. Not overtly confrontational, but distant and quiet. Being English, and therefore terminally shy and polite, I didn’t raise it with him, but it was an uncomfortable week.

I phoned him afterwards, and he was polite but didn’t elaborate on what was the matter. Then he disappeared. His number no longer worked, and he didn’t respond to emails. He was in the process of moving, and he didn’t give me his new address. I was really hurt and upset, wondering if I’d done something to upset him. Then I spoke to some other people he’d stayed with, and found out he’d done exactly the same thing to them. Okay, I thought, so the guy has issues. Get over it and move on. It still stung, though.

Anyway…fast forward two years. I hadn’t thought about him for ages, and generally had been getting on with life. Then I bumped into another mutual acquaintance, who I also hadn’t seen for ages. We’re chatting, and she mentions M. I say, “Oh, we lost touch,” without elaborating further, and she tells me the city he moved to in the U.S.

Suddenly, my curiosity is sparked again…five minutes with Detective Google (M has a really distinctive name) and I have his address and phone number.

So here’s my dilemma…do I let sleeping dogs lie, accept that he wanted our friendship to end (albeit in a totally fucked-up way) and throw his address away…or, do I drop him a line, ask him what the problem was, and try and get to the bottom of things. On the one hand, the worst he can do is to ignore me, or tell me to piss off. On the other hand, is this a bit stalkerish? It’s not particularly that I think we can get back the friendship we had. It’s more that I want closure.

Any advice you can offer is greatly appreciated!

Yours,
Rejection Junkie

Dear Rej,

It’s not that stalkerish.You have an ocean separating the two of you, after all, and unless you’re emailing him all panting and standing too close “so, where exactly do you live? can I come visit? what’s up? LOVE MEEEEE!”, I don’t think it’s a big deal.He does kind of owe you an explanation for disappearing.

You might not get one, of course, and the fact that you’re worried about appearing stalky to a guy who wasn’t a decent enough friend to keep in touch with you indicates to me that you are still kind of hurt and emotionally involved with this situation.So, before you send an email, think about what you want out of it, and whether you’re likely to get it.Closure is great, but sometimes you have to make your own; ask yourself whether he can or is going to provide it, and what happens if he doesn’t.

There’s no harm in writing him, unless you think you’re going to get offended all over again, in which case maybe that door should stay closed.

[10/12/06]

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