Sars: I love your site and have been an avid reader for quite some time.I feel I must add a recommendation to the list of true crime books.For a seven-year period during the late ’80s to early ’90s I worked for the Dallas County Medical Examiner’s Office and developed quite the taste for True Crime books.One of my favorites is Evidence of Love by John Bloom.Since our office handled the autopsy on the victim every once in a while the Crime Lab Director would give a little talk to some group of people about this case and pull out all the scene photos.Words cannot adequately describe the carnage.This was the case where the cheating wife (Candy Montgomery) took an ax and hacked to death the wife of her married lover (Betty Gore, how’s that for a name?), claimed she suffered from some kind of PTSD and that the murder was in self-defense and then GOT AWAY WITH IT!

This was a BIG deal in Dallas when it was all going down and it was both awesome and terrible to behold.It was later made into a movie with Barbara Hershey and Brian Dennehy called Murder in a Small Town.John Bloom, whom I met under different circumstances (which have nothing to do with the book but involve Stephen King, a hubbie, and the Second Annual Drive-In Movie Festival), is the nicest guy, a great writer and may be best known as his alter ego Joe Bob Briggs, the best dang drive-in movie reviewer in the world!I give this book four stars, mostly for the axe-fu and sleazy Como motel sex-fu.Check it out!

Remember, a friend will help you move, a good friend will help you move a body

Dear Rem,

Thanks for the suggestion!Other readers suggested these books (an asterisk means it came from more than one reader):

Jack Olsen, Son and The Misbegotten Son
Carlton Smith and Tomas Guillen, The Search for the Green River Killer*
Erik Larson, The Devil in the White City
Simon Worrall, The Poet and the Murderer
Jerry Bledsoe, Before He Wakes; Bitter Blood; Blood Games (Bitter Blood is good, but I’d stick to Cruel Doubt over Blood Games for an account of that case)
Truman Capote, In Cold Blood*
Robert Keppel, The Riverman
Ann Rule, Every Breath You Take and And Never Let Her Go
John Berendt, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

Sarah the ever-wise and helpful,

I have a dilemma of the conscience. I think maybe you can help.

I had a best friend in college. We did all the best friend stuff, did
everything together, and we even lived together for three years. She saw
me through my myriad of stupid relationships into my fabulous, and still
going on, one, while I saw her through…nothing romantic. She was a
bit heavy, not thrilled with her body, but not horribly self-critical.
She was just sort of a wallflower, and not exactly the type guys notice,
I suppose. She’s very pretty; she just needed to figure that out for
herself before boys would notice. She didn’t complain much, but she
obviously wanted romance.

We graduated, and then we kind of lost touch. I stuck around home base,
and she went back to Mom and Dad several hundred miles away. We still
talk occasionally, but we hardly keep each other super-up-to-date on our
goings-on. What I do know, however, is that she went Weight Watchers and
lost a bunch of weight, and started dating a real live boy. NB, as far
as I know, she’d never even really been kissed before.

So here’s the thing. She’s been dating new boy about half a year now.
Neither of them have ever dated anyone before, as far as I know. And I
know nothing about new boy, except what I’ve read in his Livejournal and
Myspace profiles. What I have read of his interests, however, sounds
nothing like anything friend-girl would be interested in. Hey, who
knows, maybe she’s changed; but we lived and breathed each other for
four years (and only parted ways a year ago) so I find it unlikely. She
called me not long ago, however, and said that they’re talking about
getting engaged. Even down to picking out a ring.

Alarm bells. Six months dating. First boyfriend ever. And I know her
parents’ history of rapid and misguided marriages and (less misguided
though still quite rapid) divorces. And even though we don’t talk much
anymore, I still care about her and worry about her and want her to be
happy.

So my question(s). Is it any of my business? Should I say something
about my misgivings? I know what it’s like to feel like the first
semi-decent person to show real interest in you may be the last. I know
what it’s like to want to cling to that first taste of security and
romantic companionship. Should I share my wisdom, or is it just preachy
and nosy of me to want to butt in? Is it likely that even with her
sketchy experiences with parental marital bliss and lack of romantic
history of her own that the first time may be the charm? Am I just
bitter because despite the great place my relationship is in, we’re not
comfortable even wondering out loud about the thought of marriage just
yet? I know she doesn’t have much in the way of local friends or a
social life right now outside of new-boy, so maybe no one else is there
to counsel her…but she certainly never asked for my advice. So would
it be rude and stupid and deluded for me to say something, or would it
be my duty as a friend?

Thank you for any help you can give me.
Caring friend, or possibly just nosy yenta. That’s what I’m here to find
out…

Dear Nosy,

Butt out.You don’t even have all the information; you said it yourself, “as far as I know” this, “as far as I know” that.How do you know the guy hasn’t had a girlfriend before?You don’t.How do you know what your friend’s sexual experience is?You don’t; you two don’t talk that much, and anyway, what difference does it make?Just because she hasn’t dated around much doesn’t mean she’s a complete naif who needs your “counsel.”

And even if she is, you also say that you “know what it’s like” to want to hold onto the first romance, so…if someone had sat you down back then, all patronizing, and told you a bunch of shit, would you have listened?No, youwouldn’t have, because these things, you have to learn for yourself.

And it’s possible that there’s nothing to learn anyway, that they’ll get married and lead a perfectly content life together — but if they don’t?Nobody asked you.If you really care about her and want her to be happy, then be happy for her instead of making it about you.She’s a voting adult.Relax.

Sars, I’ve got kinda of a weird situation and I need some advice — or maybe I just need someone to tell me something I already know and I’m not seeing clearly.

About 17 years ago I got to be very close friends with a guy I’ll call Jay. He is gay, so there was never any romantic aspect to the friendship. But he did become my dearest, closest friend. He was sort of a spiritual mentor, a confidante, partner in crime, you name it. We were roommates at times, lifelines at others and generally the best of friends. When I discovered that I was pregnant after leaving an abusive unhealthy relationship, he was there for me 100%, from EPT to delivery room. My daughter adored him and at three, after much discussion between the three of us, we decided that it would be okay for her to call him “Daddy” (I really wanted to be sure it was something that he wanted and felt comfortable with).

At the time Jay was in a relationship with a guy that he adored. A short time later the relationship ended. I expressed my support for Jay, telling him that I’d always be there for him. I casually commented that it was too bad because I had liked the ex and had fun with him. Jay’s response was that my relationship with his ex was a separate thing and that I should stay friends with the ex because he was going through some other personal issues and would need a friend. Of course I was skeptical. I realized it was a minefield. And I made it clear that my first (and only) loyalty was to Jay. But the ex and I did keep in touch, talking on the phone a few times (at this point they were living out of state so it wasn’t like we were going out for lunch), and he knew that our friendship was contingent Jay being okay with it.

Things seemed fine at first, the breakup amicable (or at least as much as could be). Then out of nowhere Jay got really angry and totally cut himself off from the Ex. Honestly, I’ve never known what accounted for the 180, if it was a specific event or he just couldn’t deal anymore.But the problem was that he also cut himself off from me and my daughter. Just like that. He stopped returning my calls, my daughter’s calls, our cards and letters et cetera, with no explanation.But what hurt worse was my five-year -old daughter saving up her .50 allowance for a month and asking if it was enough to buy a plane ticket to go see daddy. It devastated her.

When 9/11 occurred we hadn’t talked in a year and a half. I noticed him online the next day (he was still on my IM list) so I fired off a message just to make sure that he was okay (he works for the airline). He responded later after I had gotten offline thanking me for being concerned, he hoped I was well et cetera. I thought that might have opened the door to a conversation, but it didn’t, so I left it alone. In my heart I always felt like we’d work things out in time. Then on Christmas he sent a beautiful e-card. So of course I responded, only to discover that he’d blocked my address.

That pretty much blew the lid off all the anger I’d carefully stored away. So I did something that at the time seemed like the right thing. I created a screen name and emailed him a pretty harsh letter. I told him how angry I was about how he was behaving and especially about how he’d hurt my daughter. I let him know that I was pissed at his mind games, emailing then blocking me.I wasn’t going to play mind games or allow him to yank my daughter around anymore. I ended by saying that I loved him, always would and I was willing to talk about what happened anytime he was ready to discuss it, but in the meantime don’t mess with my head. Annnnnnnd I never heard from him again.

Now I generally take the attitude that friendships last a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some friendships aren’t meant to go the distance. I’ve tried to let it go but it’s been five years and I still miss him horribly. It isn’t just about me. This is an unresolved issue for my daughter. She feels abandoned, he was the only “father” she’s ever known. She vacillates between still being angry and missing him. I’ve never badmouthed him and always made excuses, telling her he was going through problems. But she’s a kid who basically lost her dad — it hurts.

Over the years I’ve learned from mutual friends a bit about what he went through post-breakup. An emotional breakdown, unemployment and various other life-changing issues. I believe that he did what he thought he had to to survive.

I’m not willing to just act as if nothing happened but I really want to reconnect. I want to talk this out. If I did something wrong that I’m not aware of, I want to apologize. Basically I want to handle this like adults.

Is it stupid to want to reconnect? I feel like we’re separated by a bunch of stupid misunderstandings. (He’s told friends that I told him never to contact me.) I still care about him as much as I ever did. I’ve had friendships end and been fine with it. But this one feels so unfinished. And if I do want to reconnect then what’s the right way? Due to mutual friends and group emails I’ve always had his email addy. But it never seemed appropriate to use it. Do I send a letter? an email? or should I just give up?

Hard-headed or a good friend?

Dear Hard,

Just let it go.Jay is a head case, which per se is not a big deal, because who isn’t, but when it’s consistently painful and confusing and just always a negative?Enough.People have problems and behave badly sometimes, but the thing is that he’s not interesting in making amends for that, or going back to what you had before.He’s just not.You need to accept that, and you need to find a way to help your daughter accept that.

He told your friends that the estrangement was your doing — probably because it made him look like the wronged party instead of like a nutbag who couldn’t cope.This is the kind of person you want to reinstall as a father figure for your child?Fuck that.Yeah, he’s had a hard time; a lot of people have, and they don’t all cut their friends and their friends’ kids dead.He’s not worth it.Move on.

Sars…okay, any ideas on how to deal with this one?

A friend of mine was about to be evicted and asked me to “hold his stuff for him for a few weeks.” He did not clarify, until moving day, that among the “stuff” were his three cats. Fine, whatever, I love cats. A few weeks — no big, right? Except that was about a year ago.

He is trying to get his shit together, but…not happening. He’s homeless (he lives in shelters and sofa-surfs when he can, my sofa included) and jobless (he has felony convictions, which pretty well blows his whole job market out of the water). He HAS quit drinking, but that’s about the best I can say for his prospects, and meanwhile I’ve been boarding his cats, and cleaning about four litterboxes a week because one of the darlings has chronic runs and really bad aim, and feeding them along with my own single cat, who — along with my boyfriend — is tres pissed at this whole situation. (The cats’ person hasn’t given me a dime for their care. Not that I think he’s got a ton of money — he’s homeless! — but these cats eat. A LOT.)

I told him a couple months into it that I wasn’t going to take care of his cats forever and he needed to make alternate arrangements. He, of course, made that into “I’m trying to get a job and a place and when I do, I’ll take them, so please be patient.” That was like eight or nine months ago, and I’ve broached the subject since then, always with the same reply. Small problem — he has NO job leads. And no job = no independent cat-friendly living situation. He has no one else to take these cats — I’m his one friend who owns a house instead of renting — and I just don’t see any good answers here. I mean, I don’t want to give his cats away — that just seems mean, especially under the circumstances — but I don’t want to be a four-cat household either, even though I like the cats themselves. I don’t want to give them to a shelter — there’s no reason these kitties should suffer because their person doesn’t have his shit together. I looked into no-kill shelters but they’re all full.

I’m trying to be supportive here — I’ve had to turn my own life around, so I know what it’s like — but I’m starting to feel taken advantage of. Any ideas on how to resolve this in everyone’s best interest?

Thanks…
A Few Too Many Hairballs

Dear Few,

You’re starting to feel taken advantage of?He’s had a year to get his shit together, and while he does have extenuating circumstances, it’s one thing to sympathize with those; it’s another to take them on for yourself.

Tell him he’s got two weeks to deal with the cats, either taking them back or placing them elsewhere himself.At the end of two weeks, you’ll be placing an ad on Craigslist and/or posting signs at the vet, offering the cats to good homes.Period.Possession is nine-tenths of ownership, and if he really gave a shit about the cats he’d have shifted for them by now.You need to do what’s best for them, and waiting for him to get it together doesn’t qualify.

Two weeks.He picks up all his shit in two weeks, or it goes out on the curb and you give the cats away.You’ve done too much already; it ends now.

Dear Sars,

I am so deep in “what the fuck” mode that I don’t even know where to begin.

I was with this guy for three and a half years. It was love — I do not doubt that, even now.It was a very loving, mutual, mutually beneficial relationship that had a bad ending.He had a compulsive need to be doing something “worthwhile” with his life, career-wise, and after a couple of painful job rejections, he decided to go into the Air Force.We were engaged at this point, and had a wedding date set (and a church reserved, and a dress bought, to boot) for seven months later, but these were not reasons enough for him to let me be a part of his long-term decision-making.I tried, rather desperately, to work things out, but ultimately, it broke us up. And, unfortunately, that was his call.That was November 2004.

After the break-up, I picked up and moved to a new city, essentially starting my life over again. We kept in touch, on a friendly basis, and there were hints dropped back and forth about being back together “someday.”

He left for boot camp in March and got discharged for mental instability two weeks later. He called me from boot camp to tell me he was being discharged, and in this same conversation he told me that he wanted us to get back together.I didn’t have much of a chance to process that or say anything about it (even though I knew I still loved him and missed him very much), because he soon dropped off the face of the earth. Stopped calling, didn’t answer emails, wouldn’t take my calls.When I finally got him on the phone, basically to ask him what the hell was going on, he requested that we not talk for “a while.” He said he really needed to figure things out for himself and he couldn’t do that while having contact with me.He said that if I were in his life at all, he would be inclined to lean on me.I reluctantly agreed.I asked him if we could ever talk as friends, and could I have some sort of time frame so that I wouldn’t always be wondering if enough time had passed. He said, January 2006. Which sounded like too long to me, especially since all I wanted was occasional friendly contact — I was long past the delusions of getting back together by this point. That was in May.

Now, last week, I suddenly get a package from him. A huge Priority Mail box outside my door on my lunch break, and it contains: two t-shirts of mine that he apparently had and I hadn’t even missed, a new t-shirt from the Disney Store, three books, some chocolate, perfume from frigging Victoria’s Secret, a Harry Potter baseball cap, and a six-page letter.In this six-page letter, he apologizes for all his wrongs and says repeatedly that he still loves me — but does not say that he wants to get back together or even that he wants to be friends.He says that he can’t stand the thought of me being with anyone else, but I deserve happiness and I deserve better than anything he has to offer (yet he’s not offering me anything).He doesn’t say anything wrong, in fact he says a lot of the right things, but um, hello, phones exist — since when are letters of remorse accompanied by gifts? And no, it isn’t my birthday.

So, how do I even begin to respond to this? I’ve already tried calling, but he’s very difficult to reach by phone, and he doesn’t presently have internet.I could write a letter back, but I don’t even know what I would say. I just want to know WHY he is sending me gifts all of a sudden and why he isn’t mentioning the fact that we haven’t spoken for months, but I don’t want to write those questions down. It’s tempting to drive the four hours to demand that he deal with me AS A PERSON and not as some faceless wrong that he needs to right.

I don’t want to get back together with him. Well, maybe part of me does, but that part of me needs to sit down and shut up. I want us to talk — you know, every couple of weeks, chat about life and catch up, nothing more intense than that. I’d like to find some semblance of closure here, but I don’t want him to get closure by confusing the hell out me, which I’m afraid is what this is.

What should I do? (I hope by the time you get to this, I haven’t already done something stupid.)

Sincerely,
Seriously, what the fuck?

Dear Seriously,

He wants you to love him still, to forgive him for fucking with your head and bailing out on the relationship, and he won’t take responsibility for his actions, or give you anything that you need emotionally, but he doesn’t want you to move on.That’s it.Emotionally, he’s an infant, and you really need to refuse to deal with it, or he’ll just keep crying to be picked up because he’ll know it works.

Put away your t-shirts, throw the rest of the shit away (Victoria’s Secret perfume?Ew), don’t acknowledge it, and make a promise to yourself that you just won’t deal with this guy for a pre-determined period — January 2006, March 2006, March 2009, whatever, but I think it’s past time for you to start setting the terms here instead of letting him doing it.I know you loved him, I know you had a great relationship, but “had” is the operative word here.It’s in the past.He’s flailing, he’s clearly not interested in how any of this makes you feel, and talking to him every now and then “as friends” isn’t going to do anything but mess with your head and make him think everything’s kosher between the two of you and he can just act however he wants and you’ll let it go.

This isn’t about teaching him a lesson; he’s not going to learn his lesson. It’s about drawing a line for yourself and making him stand behind it so that dealing with his crazy bullshit doesn’t take over your life.Cut him dead.Do it today.Otherwise it’s just going to go on and on like this, and yeah, maybe he’ll get it together, but that’s something he needs to do on his own.

[10/13/05]

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