Hi Sars,

My marriage has hit a bit of a snag lately, and I am wondering if you have some advice to help me deal with it.I’ve been married to a wonderful guy for three years now.He’s 33, I’m 22, but that doesn’t bother us except in this one area.We don’t have sex.Well, we do occasionally, but then it is really bad.It never was the greatest sex ever, but I love him and that part doesn’t matter so much.

He works evening shifts and weekends and I have a steady 9-5 during the week, so we only see each other one morning, one day, and one night every week.It makes sense that we wouldn’t be having sex that often, but it doesn’t make sense to me that we only have sex once every couple of weeks or so.Plus, when we do, it’s over in like three minutes.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings, because I love him very much (and this is not a divorceable issue for me), but I’d like to bring up the idea of having him see a doctor about his lack of stamina and the waning of his libido.Do you have any ideas on how to tactfully bring the topic up without completely insulting his manhood?

Thanks!
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

There really isn’t any “good” way to bring up this particular issue; it’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable, and it has the potential to make everyone involved feel hurt and insulted.But while you say things like “that part doesn’t matter so much” and it’s “not a divorceable issue,” clearly it’s bothering you enough to write to an advice column — and it’s okay for that element of your marriage to matter to you, a lot, and I know you don’t want to hurt his feelings, but…he can sense how you feel about his abilities, probably.You might as well just get it out there.

Sit him down and tell him what you just told me.Soften it as much as you can, but not so much that he doesn’t understand that it’s a problem for you — and, at first, stick to the frequency aspect.Tell him that you’d like to have more sex.Ask him if the relative lack of intimacy bothers him, too; see what’s going on in his head, what he thinks, if he has an explanation.I don’t think it’s a physical problem, but rather that the two of you have gotten into a rut — your schedules don’t mesh well, you don’t make much of an effort because the sex is mediocre, he senses that and doesn’t approach you, and voila, vicious circle.The two of you need to start talking about it and making more of an effort to prioritize sex in your married life.

Take the, uh, speed problem separately; start talking to him in bed about slowing down, waiting a while, making it last.After three years of marriage (and presumably a courtship before that), it’s past time for you to find ways to tell him what pleases you in bed and what doesn’t.Make suggestions.Give him some direction.Sex is not like in the movies; it isn’t just magically perfect.You have to work on it.But it’s not the most unpleasant chore in the world, so see if you can’t get your husband to have more of it, and then you can fine-tune it from there.

In any case, don’t make it about his libido yet; make it about yours.

Almighty Grammar Goddess and Vanquisher of Split Infinitives,

My husband insists that my personal pet peeve is based only on preference,
rather than correct usage.I need you to tell me if I’m just being an
anal-retentive freak, or if, indeed, I’m in the right.

My problem is with the use of “over” as a substitute for “more than” when
referring to concrete quantities.You know: “Over 300 used cars in stock!”
“Over 3.1 billion served!”Blah blah blah hype-cakes.

Do I have any basis for my teeth-gnashing and snarling at the radio, “It’s
‘more than 50,’ dumbass?”Or am I just an anal-retentive freak?

Sign me,
More than over it, already

Dear Moreover,

Garner decrees that the use of “over” for “more than” is “acceptable as a casualism,” and cites sources such as History Today and the New York Times.Given that the “over”/”more than” transposition is one of advertising’s relatively minor sins against the language, you should probably find a way to let it go.

Dear Sars,

I have just discovered your most excellent advice column, and I am impressed. I also would like your opinion regarding the rules of friendship, in which I had previously thought I was an expert.

Frankly, my attitude has always been that criticism, however well-meaning, cannot coexist with close friendship. Gentle nudges, positive reinforcement, encouraging them to open up about problems and then listening, purchasing books pertaining to whatever issue you’re concerned about and “accidentally” leaving them over at a friend’s apartment, sure, but sitting a good friend down and giving them the itemized list of things you think that they are doing wrong doesn’t make you a good friend, and certainly not a “best” one. People may be too scared, too angry, or too lazy to change what they don’t like about themselves, but deep down most people know what they need to do to make their lives better, and a friend pointing it out in a critical way will usually only make a person feel attacked when they most need support. Obviously there are some exceptions to this rule, but in my opinion they are confined to situations in which a friend is unable to help themselves (physical abuse, substance abuse, mental health issues).

My best friend “Kate” is beautiful, articulate, brave, goofy, and just all round amazing. She is also one of the many women in the world who has so much love to give, a real hunger for a lifelong commitment, and yet seems to unconsciously select her romantic partners based on how little they will fulfill her needs in both the short term and the long term! Most of her behavior stems from the usual roster which you are no doubt all too familiar with as both a girl and an advice guru: self-esteem issues, societal myths/bullshit, fear of abandonment, and a bit of bad luck as well.

A couple of years ago, she finished her degree, packed up, and moved across the country. Despite her acquiring many new people to have fun with, I am still her best friend, and as things have gotten harder for her in a new city, she really needed to lean on me. A year ago, the whole “fall in love with the least suitable man in a fifty-mile radius” cycle started up again, with a vengeance. She started an affair with a certain “Dick,” who is (a) her only close friend in the city, (b) her boss, and (c) married for all intents and purposes. And is an asshole. Seriously. In an “I won’t come over and hug you when your Gran dies” sort of way, as opposed to just the general cheating asshole variety.

So here is where the advice-needing comes into play. I have obviously been fielding a lot of tearful phone calls over the last year in regards to how hard it is for her and Dick to have time to nurture their beautiful love, and how awful it is for him to be “unable” to free himself in order to be with her. I haven’t said I thought Dick was, well, a dick, but I haven’t told her I think he is wonderful either. When things are going well, I’m happy she’s happy, and when she’s crying, I focus on listening and letting her know that she is wonderful and deserves the best things in life. All of Kate’s other friends, in addition to her mother, have basically told her they don’t want to hear one more word about how great Dick is and how he has all these truly legitimate reasons to be screwing her over. I’m concerned that their attitudes have driven her further into this relationship (she’s stubborn), so I haven’t joined the zero-tolerance brigade, as much as I sympathize. Do you think I have a responsibility to do so?

If she doesn’t change the way she selects mates I am seriously concerned that Kate will spend the rest of her life involved with people who will not make her happy. If I ran the zoo, she would be in counseling on an island of ugly people she couldn’t possibly fall in love with for a least six months. But I don’t run the zoo and I am not the zoo’s keeper. Until recently, I felt confident that I was doing the right thing by keeping my big yap shut, but now I’m not so sure. She has decided to move back to the town I’m living in so we will be in close quarters and I can no longer tell myself that she is away from her support system.

This situation is also complicated by the fact that we are both bisexual, and she is one of the few friends that I am “out” with. I would be a big fat liar if I said I didn’t feel some attraction towards her, but it is so just hormones. I am ridiculously happy in my present relationship and am in no way considering getting involved with her, even if she was romantically interested in me, which seems impossible. Nonetheless, I worry that it is possible that I’m not being a good supportive best friend so much as enabling some poor choices on her part with my silence, so that I can have this friend all to myself instead of having to share her with someone else. Ugh. Is this a legitimate concern? Do I read to much pyschology? Watch too much Queer as Folk?

Basically, what do you think are the unwritten rules when it comes to good friends, bad choices, and possible sexual attraction? My fingers are crossed that you aren’t suggesting full disclosure in regards to my concerns for Kate, because I find it hard to believe any good will come of it, but I respect your opinion and I need to stop bouncing this around on my own.

A Friend in Need

Dear Friend,

I think that, if anything, you’ve downplayed your distaste for Dick so as not to seem like your counsel is colored by anything other than friendly concern — like the attraction you feel for Kate, for example.But at the same time, I think you’ve also played the role you’d want Kate to play if your roles were reversed; you’ve listened, you’ve supported her even if you disagreed with her choices, you haven’t judged her.

I think the unwritten rule when it comes to good friends and bad choices is to remember that the choices belong to the friends, not you, and to let them know that you love them and support them even if you think they’ve behaved stupidly.I take a slightly less varnished approach when it comes to the bad boyfriends than you do — in your shoes, I’d point out more strongly that Dick makes Kate feel like crap a lot of the time, because I don’t feel that’s particularly critical of Kate herself, and she might not see the cause-effect there as clearly as I do — but that’s not the way you handle these situations, and that’s fine.

You don’t plan to act on the attraction, as you’ve said, so leave that out of it.The bottom line is that Kate has to make her own choices, even if those choices suck, so speak honestly to her about them, but support her.It’s all you can do.

Oh, great Sars,

Let me preface this by saying I’m three Grey Goose tonics into trying to deal with this, to no great effect, so now I’m writing you.

Short story longer, I was friends with this guy, “J,” for a month, went out with him for two months, wasn’t feeling it for a couple of weeks, and decided to break up as nicely as I could while on vacation talking to friends of long standing. Meanwhile, he starts calling constantly while I’m on vacation (14 calls in a four-hour period before I’d even gotten up one morning thanks to a time difference, leading to two huge telephone fights), and gives me greater incentive to cut things off when I get back home.

Get home, start getting calls as soon as I step off of the plane, answer once I get my luggage, am asked point-blank if I want to break up, and say yes, resulting in a two-hour pointless conversation. Agree to meet the next day (for what I thought would be the Exchange Of Stuff), and had to defend my decision throughout dinner and fend off advances which, at that point, made my skin crawl.

Two weeks later, and I’m still getting the pleading emails (three today) and phone calls (six today), despite blatant conversations along the lines of:

*click*
“Leave me alone. Stop calling me!”
*click*

I’ve done the call blocking and email block and am looking into the possibility of a restraining order (without blatant threats, it’s a bit hard in this state). The mutual friends are acting very sympathetic when I go out, without my saying a word, leading me to believe that they’ve come to their own conclusions about his mental stability where I’m concerned. As a low-drama zone, I’m trying not to suck any of them into this mess.

So my real question is: Who gets the bar? It’s right by my house, it’s my only regular hangout, and most of my friends and I meet up there. Unfortunately, he has also decided that it’s his spot (although he also frequents about three other places closer to his home and work). I’ve been able to avoid him so far by keeping my usual late hours (he works much earlier than I do), but this will come to a halt some night, I’m sure. I’m happy with my blinders, and if that works, great, but all things considered, I’m afraid of a scene or worse (God forbid I have a date with me). Should I stop going? Should I continue to cruise the parking lot to check for his car before parking? Should I walk in with head high and let him make an ass of himself while I give him the blank ice-queen stare of how-dare-you?

I know that this is minor, but I’ve made it to 30 with only civilized breakups, and am at a bit of a loss as to how to handle this level of weirdness.

Thanks,
All I Wanted Was A Vodka Tonic!

Dear Tonic,

Okay, first of all, I assume you’ve already figured out that you shouldn’t pick up the phone anymore, but if you haven’t — don’t.Get call ID, and if it’s him, log the call, but don’t pick it up.Don’t respond to his email; keep all of it, just in case, but don’t respond.Don’t tell him to leave you alone; don’t tell him anything.Buy this book and read it.

I don’t think the guy’s dangerous, but you want to avoid any contact with him, I think, so yes, keep checking the parking lot for his car, and if you see it, don’t go in.If he comes in after you get there, leave.I know you don’t want to leave him in possession of the field, but if what he wants is contact, your refusal to cede the bar to him will give him what he wants.

It’s a pain, but it’s the only way.Do everything in your power to avoid him.

Dear Sars —

I’m having a real problem with my friend, and I could use some advice. This is
a pretty long story, so I apologize in advance.

My friend — let’s call her “T” — and I met two years ago, when both of us were
going into the eighth grade. I didn’t know anyone at school, then met her, and
we became really tight. Tight to the point where she began to push her other
friends (who, while allegedly “her close friends,” had pressured her to start
throwing up in the sixth grade) away. Though it’s very clear, just by looking
at her, that she no longer has an eating disorder — and she says she never even HAD
a disorder — she always brings up the fact that she “chose me” over her other
friends, because they hated me so much they couldn’t bear the thought of being
connected to me in any way. Because eighth grade was a really bad year for me,
the fact that she would mention this is pretty hurtful.

We spent a year apart and weirdly, we became stronger friends. She seemed to
have gotten a lot of issues straightened out as a result of a transfer to
private school. She no longer used her “chronic fatigue syndrome” as an excuse
(T seems to have found a “cure” for chronic fatigue that she really should
share with Laura Hillenbrand). I came out to her, and she said she had known
all along.

The next school year is about to start, but over the course of the summer, our
friendship has collapsed somewhat. I’ve become very aware of her drinking,
which she always tells me about proudly, then makes up excuses for: “Well, I
was thirsty, and I couldn’t find the bottled water, so I just had to drink the
cosmopolitan!” I tried to explain to her that I was worried, and her response
was basically “I can handle it, and if my parents don’t care, you shouldn’t
either.” She comes from a wealthy (but nice) family, and while my family is
well-off as well, we live more modestly.

The final straw was when T asked me for a Lacoste polo for her birthday. I had
used my own money to buy myself one in Spain (where I found one dirt-cheap)
but her logic is that because she “introduced me to fashion,” she should get a
gift from me that runs from fifty to seventy-five dollars. When I said that
maybe I should pick out a gift for her, she screamed at me, then refused to
accept anything but cash. I told her that might be tacky, and she suddenly
turned into the sweet, kind T, saying, “I don’t mind tackiness with you —
you’re my best friend.” It’s worth noting that the last two gifts she bought
me were both over the internet, and neither one has come yet…

I can think of a thousand more examples of times when I felt let down by
T: the time she wrote me frantic instant messages saying she needed
to “rescue me” from my “bigoted” (hardly) family. The time she was so
embarrassed by my (perfectly decent) clothes at the mall that she yelled at me
and almost made me buy a whole new ensemble. But still I keep being friends
with her, partly because of the history, but partly because she is a cool girl
who really can make me laugh and is really smart, as much as she’d like to
deny it to seem more “punk” or to achieve her dream of becoming a trophy wife
(no, really. That is her dream). What with the whole “being gay” thing and
heading back to school in a few weeks, I’m pretty stressed, and I just don’t
know what to do with someone who I do really care about, but I don’t
understand sometimes. Help me, Sars!

Thanks so much, and in honor of that Lacoste alligator I’ll sign myself,
Between a Croc and a Hard Place

Dear Croc,

T told you what to buy her, and then demanded cash?She constantly reminds you that she “chose” you?What kind of J.Lo shit is that?

Yeah, you have a “history” — of letting her treat you like crap.Start giving her obnoxious actions consequences; start telling her that if she can’t give you a little respect, you won’t spend time with her, and if she has another hissy, walk away.T has zero understanding of how genuine friendships work, and maybe that’s not her fault, but it’s not yours either, and if she can’t learn, I don’t think you need to stick around.

You really have nothing to lose here, friendship-wise, because she’s not really a friend to begin with.Ask her to start acting like one; if she doesn’t, move on and feel good about it.

[10/14/03]

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