I’ve seen several letters to several advice columnists (I’m addicted to them all, and welcome links to others not on my daily read list) regarding inappropriate questioning.For example, you recently ran a couple of letters about questioning someone’s choice of baby name.I’ve read other letters asking why people feel it’s their place to ask about when one is getting married and/or having kids.My question is, simply, is it weird not to be a questioner?(Is that a word, even?)

I do try to avoid inappropriate questions.(For example, “Dating anyone?”I hate that one.)However, sometimes I don’t even ask what I think people normally expect to be asked, like “Where do you work?” or “How do you know the hostess?”It’s not that I don’t like to talk to people.On the contrary, sometimes I can’t shut up.But often I don’t even think to ask people questions at ALL, and I wonder if it gives the impression that I don’t care, or am not interested enough in the person to ask.Should I make an effort to act more interested in the people around me?Does it make people feel better to be asked semi-personal questions?

My non-inquiring mind wants to know

Dear Mind,

I don’t love asking those questions either, mostly because they feel kind of fake to me, and it’s not that I’m not interested; it’s that I don’t like getting to know people by conducting what amounts to a background interview.It’s possible that people get the impression that I’m not interested in their work, I suppose, but if their work came up in the conversation, I’d be interested.I’m just not about to jam a question about their jobs into a discussion of bad movies in order to make that point, if you see what I mean.Obviously I’m interested in you, because I’m…talking to you.

Some people like to be asked questions about themselves, and some don’t; you sort of have to take the temperature of the conversation.Sure, you could ask more questions and “act more interested,” but then you’ll be acting and people will probably pick that up.In any case, the best way to let people know you’re interested in what they have to say is to listen.

Hi,

I have a roommate. I guess you could say that we are pretty close. Although we don’t really hang out with the same group of friends, we are usually updated with each other’s lives (we are roommates after all).

Okay, so here’s the deal. She just met this guy during her internship, they’ve known each other for a little over a month. Then, I just found out that they have been dating each other exclusively for about a week. Initially, I thought it was great news, since I knew that she was really into him. However, she has also started spending most of her nights at his place. And while this may not be considered out of the ordinary, it has been bothering me because I have noticed that her world has started revolving around this guy. She told me that her boyfriend is a good guy, but I have only met him a couple of times so I can’t really say I trust him.

I’ve been trying to tell her in subtle ways that spending too much time with a guy you’ve only known for a few weeks is not a good idea and that her behavior the past few days has been worrying me. I’ve also reminded her many times that she should think things over before doing anything and to take responsibility for her actions. Still, she continues to spend most of her free time with him.

The guy is much older than she is and there is a possibility that he might be taking advantage of her naive personality. My roommate is also the type who doesn’t really think much of the consequences that her actions may bring. She is also known to be impulsive and rather rebellious, who ends up regretting what she has done in the end. (Also, I have somehow been the one who talks some sense into her head when she finds herself in a sticky situation.)

I don’t know if I should mind my own business and let her go on with her life since I’ve basically told her what I think abot her situation. She’s turning twenty in a few weeks — she can take care of herself.

But I’m also worried that things could go wrong and I might end up wishing that I have done something more. I happen to know her parents very well and they kind of entrusted her to me since they know that she’s the type who needs to be constantly looked after.

I honestly don’t know what is the right thing to do. All the things I have said are not getting into her head, but I think pushing it would just make her feel rebellious and spend more time with him. What should I do?

Thanks,
Concerned roomie

Dear Roomie,

“Entrusted her to you?”Oy vey, she’s twenty years old, and every relationship is intense at the beginning; how else is she supposed to get to know the guy?Hire a P.I.?

You need to take a big step back and stop mothering this girl.If she’s as naive as you say, and doesn’t consider the consequences of her actions, bossing her and protecting her like this isn’t going to make her any more worldly or responsible.She’s of age.Let her make her own mistakes.

Dear Sars,

I write to you because I desperately need advice from someone who won’t take sides.

My boyfriend recently broke up with me because I am not of his religion.Yeah, it’s a big reason, and a valid one.Nevertheless, my heart was destroyed.He was the love of my life, and we had plans about getting married and having kids and all the things that go along with the whole “together forever” thing.When he broke up with me, he seemed completely sure of himself.He said he loved me, and it was tearing him apart, but his heart told him “it’s what I have to do.”

I was so broken when we separated that I decided I was going to explore anything and everything to try to get us back together.I even tried exploring Christianity.I dissected the Bible and tried to convince myself that I believed something other than I did.I didn’t succeed.I realized I could never give up my identity, and I told my boyfriend this.I told him that if he couldn’t take me as I was, all of me, well…his decision was the right one, even if it made me feel like my life was over.

Now, a week or two later…my boyfriend feels he made a mistake.He called me and told me that he realized that what he needed was me.And that even though I wasn’t Christian, it wouldn’t take away from his own faith.That he realized I wouldn’t ever try to alienate him or convert him.That I respected his religion the way I wanted him to respect mine.He said he realized he loved me as I was.That he was wrong, and rash, and hadn’t thought it out, and he had made the biggest mistake of his life.

Sars, I am still in love with him.He is perfect for me.But he made such a mess of things.He made a mess of my heart.My own views on religion.My family (my parents hate him for hurting me so badly).My friends (see family, but not as extreme).I love him, but I’ll admit I don’t trust him anymore.I am afraid he will one day turn around and tell me the same thing, for the same reason.Then again, maybe it was just as he said — he just made a huge mistake that he’ll never make again.

Right now, we are not “together,” per se, but we aren’t dating other people, and are pretty much exclusive.In the universal dating lingo, we are “working it out.”

I am in love and I am scared shitless.Do you think it’s wise for me to try this again? I have never been hurt more by anyone in my whole life…but I love him, and he feels just awful, and is trying to make it up to me however he can.If I choose to stay with him, will things ever get back to normal? If I don’t, will I regret letting the most unbelievable man I’ve ever met slip out of my grasp because of one mistake he made, and regrets?

Please help.

Stuck in Limbo

Dear Stuck,

I don’t doubt his sincerity, but the fact remains that he dumped you because of your beliefs.Sure, he’s sorry now, but he still did it; he still chose the most extreme solution to the problem instead of trying to work through it first.So, that’s an issue, and he needs to know that that’s an issue — that he burned you bad and it’s going to take time for you to forgive that.

And if you really think the religion issue is resolved, okay, then move forward — but make sure it’s resolved, make sure he knows it needs to be resolved, and make sure he knows that if he picks the nuclear option instead of discussing differences rationally again, you’re done for real because you won’t be toyed with like this again.It’s fine for him to feel that his religious beliefs aren’t negotiable, but to make that decision for you in the framework of the relationship?That shit can’t happen again.Make sure he gets that.

Hi Sars,

I have been a long-time writer of thank-you letters, but I am never sure the
best way to word a thank-you when I’m given money.I always try and let
the person know how I spent the money, but starting with “Thank you for the
money” doesn’t sound very thoughtful, and “Thank you for the present”
doesn’t sound right.Any suggestions?

Thanks Sars,
Grateful Birthday Girl

Dear Grate,

I personally have a horror of mentioning the money in so many words, so I go with nebulous thanks: “Thanks so much for thinking of me on my birthday.I really appreciate it.”

I have a (hopefully) simple question.

Okay, so I got these beautiful brown suede boots for
Christmas last year.I’ve only worn them three times
because I’m scared to death of ruining them.

I want to wear them every day, but I’m terrified that
it will rain sometime during the day and they’ll get
all messed up.

I bought some of that spray-on weather-proofing stuff,
but I have no idea how good it works.I’ve never
owned anything suede before, so I’m just clueless.

I mean, I understand that it would be bad to go
swimming while wearing these boots, but how much water
is too much?If I step in a puddle on accident, will
it ruin them?If they get rain drops on them, will it
ruin them?

I guess my question is this.How weather-proof is
weather-proof?

I hope someone can answer my question!

Thanks,
I hope these boots are made for walkin’

Dear Walk,

I’m probably not the best person to ask, because I wear shoes really hard, but I think you can trust weather-proofing spray up to a point — i.e. getting caught in a sprinkle isn’t going to hurt them, but clearly you shouldn’t be splashing through deep puddles if you can avoid it.

But I would say that it depends on the boots.If they’re flat “everyday”-type boots, I think you want them to get some mileage on them, so if they get rained on, yes, it ages them a bit and breaks them in, but you can just buff them up with a suede brush when you get home (you can buy those cheap at most shoe repair places).If they’re fancier boots, maybe you save them for when you’re sure it’s not going to storm.

But if it just looks a little cloudy out?I’d go for it.They might get a bit messed up from rain, but they’ll do you more good that way than just sitting in your closet.

[10/14/05]

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