Sars —

Never thought I’d be writing you, but I have a bit of a problem and I’m kind
of in need of somebody to play Switzerland for me.

About nine years ago, I developed an extremely close friendship with a woman
over the ‘net (this isn’t what you’re thinking). After I graduated college
and was working my first job, I moved in with her and her now-husband for
about a year. There were some predictable tensions, but everything worked
out, and I remain good friends with her husband.

Over time, though, she and I have grown increasingly apart. I accept my
share of responsibility for this; basically, my online interests have
shifted, and with us no longer speaking regularly or living under the same
roof, we’re simply not as close as we once were. I grant that I probably
could put a bit more effort into maintaining the relationship, and some
days I do miss the good old days.

The current crisis: This woman had invited a number of friends, myself among
them, out to a dinner party at a local Moroccan restaurant. While the food at
this joint is by all reports stellar, the floor show really isn’t my thing;
I must be one of the few heterosexual men in the world who finds belly
dancing kind of boring and annoying. So I politely turned down the invitation.

My roommate, who did go, came home and sheepishly informed me that this
woman had held forth some rather cutting and hurtful opinions about me,
intimating that I lacked the “emotional maturity” to deal with half-naked
women dancers, and the like.

It should be noted, here, that she is on anti-depressants and sees a
therapist regularly. Draw your own conclusions.

Anyway. I’m feeling angry, and betrayed, and hurt, and I’m not really sure
I want this person as part of my life anymore. Part of me would like to
have the conversation where I invite her to pour herself a nice tall glass
of fuck right off, but I recognize that this probably wouldn’t be very
productive; for one thing, it would make my roommate look like a fink, and
for another, it would permit her to don the mantle of the aggrieved.

On the other hand, dropping her like a bad habit is problematic because our
circles of friends intersect quite a bit. Excising her from my life would
mean losing contact with a lot of other people whose company I enjoy.

And, weirdly, this morning she was all about trying to keep a tentative
lunch date she and I had made last week.

So. Any suggestions on what to do now, and how to go about it?

Twisted and Conflicted

Dear Twist,

It sounds like you already know that you’ll just have to tolerate her as best you can, so that’s my advice.It’s a pity that she’s gotten all schmucky on you, but she hasn’t done anything so horrible that you have to take a stand; she’s just not really your thing anymore, and to Do Something About Her will cause more trouble than it’s worth.

It’s mostly a matter of adjusting your own attitude towards her, I think.Keep your hand in and stay friendly, but don’t give her comments or behavior the same concern you’d give a closer friend’s.

Dear Sars,

I’m male, 18 years old, and gay. On a recent plane trip from my part-time home in Oregon to my other part-time home in Florida, I was seated next to the cutest guy imaginable. Not cute in a supermodel way, but cute in a normal, dweeby way that you never expect to fall for but end up doing just that.

Not being the best flier, I was very nervous getting on the plane and in the twenty minutes before taking off. This guy was very sweet and talked to me during the take-off and the first few minutes in the air. Over the course of the flight, he and I got to talking and it turns out that he too is batting for the pink team. By the end of the flight, even I could tell that he was interested and I’m sure he could tell the same from me. Everything seemed almost too perfect when he said that he lived in Florida as well. When he said that, I could have floated away on the clouds…but then I realized.

My problem is my family. In Florida, I live with my alcoholic, borderline-abusive mother; in Oregon, I live with my overly masculine, wannabe-jock dad with a Napoleon complex (he’s 5’4″ and I’m 6’3″). If isn’t my sexuality that he berates me about, it’s that I’ll never be accepted because I’m too tall and too uncoordinated, his theory being that sports are everything.

These people consistently suck the life out of me and the last thing I want to do is subject this nice, sweet, sensitive guy to the horrors of my family. It’s not like I don’t think he’d understand, but…come on. He doesn’t deserve it. I want nothing more than to pursue a relationship, but my family presents a very real, very depressing problem. How do I explain it to this new guy without sounding like either a headcase or an overly protected waif?

Sincerely,
Stretch

Dear Stretch,

Okay, first of all, don’t get ahead of yourself.Get to know the guy a little better before you worry about introducing him to your family.

And as far as your family goes…everyone’s family is a horror show.Of course, the performances of said show vary in severity, and luckily for me, my own family operates at a sort of loving-celebrity-roast level, but everyone has the same worries about their worlds colliding that you do.Everyone who has ever brought a cutie home has sat at the dinner table, wired with tension from scalp to soles, waiting for it all to go horribly wrong with a belch or a drunken argument or an embarrassing story about how they puked onstage at a talent show in sixth grade or a display of blatant bigotry, at which time the cutie will leap up from the table, hurl down his napkin, glare at you accusingly, and bellow, “I will not stay here.WILL NOT.You — you COME FROM THESE, THESE, THESE ANIMALS!Bah!”And then the cutie storms out and you die alone.

Not to make light of your fears, by any means — your parents sound like a tough swim — but let’s flip the problem around for a second.Let’s say that the two of you fall in love, and then let’s say that you discover his dad is a deadbeat jerkwit who used to beat him up before he bailed on the family.Do you run screaming from that?No, probably not — because that’s his dad, not him.Sure, it informs who he’s become as an adult, and it’s something to take into account, because people carry their childhoods around with them.But do you blame him or think less of him because he’s got a jackass for a father?No.He couldn’t control what he got born into.Neither could you.Neither could I.A lot of family is luck, whether good or bad.

Any cutie, or plain old friend, worth his salt will understand that your family isn’t your fault, that you know they suck and you do the best you can to rise above it, that almost every family in the world has ugly shit going on somewhere.Have faith in that.

Dear Sarah,

Well, it’s kind of a long story, and you’ve probably heard it before since you
seem to be the Dr. Judy of the web.

I was in love with a girl who meant the world to me and gave me the world on
top of it.We dated for two years and lived together for a year before tying
the knot.We both went through some physical illness during that time but
somehow emotionally managed to get through it.Then I lost my job and went
into a depression.I got a new job, but was still unhappy and didn’t know
what was wrong with me.I started becoming agoraphobic and was distancing
myself from my wife and friends — emotionally and physically.

In turn, my wife became more and more obsessive-compulsive about everything.
We started really getting on each other’s nerves, and at times I couldn’t
even stand to sleep in the same bed with her.As I started to stabilize and
become happy with my new job and success, she started to fall apart.I tried
to get her to marriage counseling, but as soon as the therapist started
“pointing” the finger at her, she wouldn’t go anymore.

She moved in with her parents after only a year and a half of marriage.I
was pretty much devastated, thinking it was all my fault.She finally went
to counseling on her own and she was diagnosed as bi-polar with anxiety and
panic disorders.In the meantime, she couldn’t stand to be around me, or
anyone else for that matter.She said “everyone was driving her crazy.”
She wanted to divorce me, move away from her parents, and quit her job.

She filed for divorce, and so began the worst rollercoaster ride of my life.
One week when she was on one of her “highs,” she wanted to stay married and
see me, and then the next week she would be on one of her “lows” and want the
divorce.She bounced between meds and doctors for a year and a half.Every
time she started feeling good again, she would quit one of her therapies and
have a major breakdown.This would kill me.

All in all, I think my wife continuously postponed our divorce date for over
a year because she wasn’t sure.She also withdrew the divorce altogether,
only to file again a month later.Finally it went through — on our three-year
wedding anniversary, no less.

She’s made it clear to me that she feels that she has to deal with her
illness, and only then can she deal with us.It’s hard for me, but I do
understand.She continuously said during the separation and divorce that we
can always get remarried when she gets better.

So I’ve tried to focus on me and being happy again, but it’s hard.The
dating scene totally sucks, and I’ve pretty much discovered that I don’t want
anyone else other than my wife — when she is healthy again.But that is a
very big IF.If you’ve seen the movie Beautiful Mind, I feel like his
wife when she says she stays with him because every once in a while she sees
glimpses of the man she married and still loves that man.I still love the
girl I married — but don’t know if I’ll ever get to be with her again.

Since the divorce, she has moved into her own place (which I think was a good
thing, because her parents just drove her even more crazy) and continues
psychotherapy.We still talk all the time and see each other about every
other week.She seems to be becoming more and more herself.We even still hug
and kiss when we see each other briefly to go over financials or other
divorce stuff.

Do I wait for her?And what do I do in the meantime to keep myself busy
and my mind off all that we could have right now together?What the hell is
she thinking?Will she get better and become herself again? Can pigs really
fly?

If you can answer all of these questions then you really are the Dr. Judy of
the web.

PT109

Dear PT109,

It seems that you have a few of your own problems to work out before you can focus on rebuilding the relationship with your wife.I can’t help but think that you feel responsible for what happened to her beautiful mind — that maybe your initial depression contributed somehow to her downward spiral.This, perhaps, is what is binding you to her in a most codependent way.I am not trying to belittle your affection for your wife — I’m sure you love her honestly, but maybe not healthily.

You first need to realize that it’s NOT your fault.If somebody’s going to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder (especially adding a side of anxiety topped with panic sauce), it’s going to happen whether you did anything or not.And trying to salvage a relationship out of guilt or regret — or, most of all, remembrances of past happy-shiny fun times — is not the way to go, my friend.When was the last time you saw more than “a glimpse” of the woman you married?I bet it’s been a while, huh?

Which leads me to my second point: Your wife may never, ever be the same.Sure, if she gets the right combination of meds and therapy, a new (old) her may emerge.But maybe not.Bipolar disorder is a fickle mother; you may be waiting forever for your wife to “get better,” when the way she is now is as good as it’s going to get.I’m sure you understand that mental illness isn’t just a “take two Xanax and call me in the morning” kind of thing, though, having been through it yourself.

As far as getting on with your life, I think a big first step for you is realizing that you can’t control any of this.Neither, in point of fact, can your wife, although both of you may be trying as hard as you can to do so.Just as there is no sense in placing the blame upon yourself, it is also unwise to think that “maybe if I did this…” or “maybe if she just…”No.There’s nothing you or she can do about it.To recap: Not your fault, you can’t control it, and once you realize this, it may help you move on.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t maintain contact; you and your wife seem to be truly fond of one another, married or not, and your presence may be a comfort to her.Just don’t push the getting-back-together thing.If it happens that her mental health takes a radically favorable turn, you can work on your new and improved relationship then.Until that day comes, however, you might want to consider investing your time in something healthy and worthwhile and totally unrelated to fixing your marriage.Find a thing you like to do: maybe take a class, or read twenty books in twenty days, or join your local kitten poker league, whatever.And hey, you might even meet some cool people!

I don’t claim to be an expert, of course, and you may feel free to ignore my advice and pine away for your once-healthy wife until your last days.But I don’t recommend it.

AB

P.S.: Pigs can only fly when one plays “Open Up, Here Comes The Airplane!” with a delicious piece of bacon.

[10/15/02]

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