Hi Sars,

I have been a long time reader and fan of your work at MBTV and here at Tomato Nation. You give very good advice, and I would really appreciate a little help. Here’s the story — I am a 24-year-old girl who just (three months ago) got out of a loooong-term relationship. It was one of those yo-yo relationships…we broke up maybe five or six times over the course of four years. Anyway, the last time was the last straw, and I was really proud of myself as to how quickly I was getting over him, as he was like an addiction for me.

So a few weeks after the break-up, I get an email from an old friend, let’s call him Boy2, who says that he wants to get together as he is moving soon, and would like to hang out once or twice before he goes. So we go out for drinks and I realize that he has gotten way, way cuter in the past four years. Now, this is the same boy that I dated briefly and dumped rather heartlessly six years ago. So I develop an insane little crush on said boy, and he seems to be playing hard to get, which only intensifies my ardor. One night, after a platonic date and several drinks, we hook up in an extremely minor way. He asks what I want, and I say I just want to hang out and have fun until he moves (allegedly in two months). He says that he is “conflicted” as I am “on the rebound” and I fucked him over once before. I assure him that I am not on the rebound, and I will not fuck him over again. So we start hanging out more and more but have not gotten serious in a physical way.

Fast forward a few weeks. My best friend is getting married. Me and the ex are both in the wedding. Standing at the altar with a man I dated for four years and hoped to marry makes me all sorts of emotional, and also makes me want to run screaming from the prospect of any and all “relationships.” I explain to Boy2 that I will be unavailable for the week of the wedding, as all my old friends are in town.

I don’t really want to date Boy2 anymore, but I also don’t want to hurt him again, especially after reassuring him that I was, in fact, over my ex and not at all on the rebound when that was exactly the case. He is such a sweet, intelligent, cool guy, but I just can’t deal with having to spend time with anyone right now. So instead of telling him all this, I have been hightailing it out of town every weekend so I don’t have to deal with this. God, I suck. Also, I thought since he was moving in two months we could keep it light and casual, but now it’s looking like he’s not leaving until January.

What should I do? Is there any way for me to come out of this not looking like a total bitch?

Please help!
Girl Behaving Badly

Dear Girl,

Yes, there’s a way for you to come out of it not looking like a total bitch.Talk to Boy2.Duh.

But believe me, Boy2 already knows that you can’t handle a relationship, or even a mature discussion, with him right now.Assiduous avoidance tends to get a clearer message across than words ever could.Not the message you intended to send, probably, but a message nonetheless, to the effect that he’s a bet you tried to hedge.

You changed your mind about going out with Boy2, and that’s fine, but don’t give me that “I don’t want to hurt him” business.You don’t want him to get angry, or call bullshit on you; you want him to keep liking you, in case you change your mind back again.Well, it doesn’t work that way.Grow up and cut him loose.

Dear Sars,

I’ve been visiting the site for a while and am always impressed with the advice you give (as well as the rest of TN).Maybe you can take some of that down-to-earth good sense, combine with your experience with long-distance relationships, and throw it my way.I could also use a laugh, so funny would be good.

I’m one year into a two-year master’s program at a very prestigious school (I mention the prestige not to toot my own horn, but to indicate that dropping out/transferring is not an option, which becomes important later).I love the program and am doing well in it.Right after I moved to town last year to start school, I met “Chris,” and the attraction was instant and mutual, probably because I had made a point of announcing my intention to remain single through grad school.We started dating right away and have been together for almost a year now, and all-in-all the relationship is fantastic.It’s everything I could possibly have asked for.We get along spectacularly and are compatible in virtually every way, my family loves him, his loves me, and we have even spoken vaguely of the future.We do happen to be two fairly intense, emotional people, which makes the highs amazing but has also made for some pretty brutal fights (nothing abusive, just yelling and crying and drama).Until recently, the fights weren’t frequent, just remarkably ugly when they did occur.

When I first met Chris, he was actually planning to move back to his hometown within three months.After we started dating, he decided to stick around until the end of May, when his apartment lease ran out, to see how it would pan out with me.We ended up getting fairly serious, but after his lease was up he followed through with his plan and moved home, which is about a four-and-a-half-hour drive from here.He’s currently living with his mom, as his financial situation won’t permit otherwise, and he’s starting a graduate program of his own in the fall.

We made the decision to do the long-distance thing, although I had my reservations, since we’re both stuck where we are for at least another year. After I get my degree, I have no objection to moving to be with him, but by that time we’ll have spent more time apart than together.And it’s starting to look like we may never come to that point anyway, because in the month since he moved, we’ve been steadily fighting more and more, to the point where it feels like every conversation disintegrates into an emotionally draining, circular debate featuring tears, sarcasm, hints about doubting the viability of the relationship, and my personal favorite, irrelevant semantic harping.It seems like since he moved, we can’t have a happy, civil, satisfying conversation without somebody ending up hurt or angry.

Part of our problem is due to circumstance: right after Chris moved, we had a long, drawn-out fight about an issue between me and his mom, which is a whole other story.I also happened to weather a bit of a personal crisis shortly after he left, one that was totally unrelated to him but which demanded a lot of his energy for support purposes.But these issues have since been resolved (although they probably are contributing to my perception that every conversation has been unpleasant), and now I can’t even tell you what we’re fighting about.I just know we’re fighting, and I’m tired of every phone call and visit ending in tears.

I’m really not happy about the distance thing — we used to see each other every day, since we had overlapping groups of friends and were practically living together when we were in the same city.To go from such constant contact with my best friend, lover, and soulmate to just a nightly phone call is hard and unsatisfying.I know I could be adjusting to this faster and better than I am, but I’m making an effort.My question (about freakin’ time, right?) is: How much of this squabbling is just us getting used to the new set of circumstances?Chris has been gone for a month; is it normal that we’d still be adjusting to it, and poorly at that?Or should I start taking this as an indicator that maybe our relationship doesn’t work across half a time zone?I know you know your way around a long-distance relationship, so any advice you can share with me would be much appreciated, even if you’re just telling me how to make this adjustment easier on myself and him.The bottom line is, I love this guy and don’t want to lose him, but I’m afraid I might anyway.

Thanks for reading and for the fabulous site.
270 Miles Are Ruining My Life

Dear Miles,

It isn’t about the distance.The distance isn’t helping, but distance doesn’t create entirely new problems in a relationship; it aggravates problems that already exist.

And the problems that already exist…it’s hard to explain, but I think that you think that it’s fate.You didn’t expect to fall in love, but love found you, and Chris is your soulmate, and the two of you have overcome so many obstacles, and it’s in the stars so it has to work out.It’s nothing you said in so many words; it’s just a feeling I get.And I also get the feeling that you cling to that because, deep down, you have doubts about whether it’s right, and you have to stop, because it’s choking the life out of the relationship.It’s too much pressure, too much scrutiny.

Stop talking about the relationship all the time.Stop analyzing it to death.Stop with all the “what does that mean” and the “fine, fine” and the “by ‘nothing,’ do you mean ‘nothing’ or do you mean ‘nothing’?”Just…stop.And never, ever, ever discuss the relationship on the phone.Ever.Seriously.If you have to talk about it, do it in person, but take a break from doing it in person too for a while.Step back.Let go a little bit.Don’t parse everything.

You’re so obsessed with being with him that you don’t know how to just be with him anymore.You didn’t fall in love with the relationship itself; you fell in love with Chris, and you have to remember that and give The Deeper Meaning a rest because it’s driving you both crazy.If it’s in the stars, the stars will take care of it, and if it’s not, they won’t; either way, you have to have a little faith.Don’t hold on so tight.

[10/16/01]

Share!