My husband lost his computer programming job a few months ago, and the IT industry here is very depressed.We expect that he’ll be unemployed for several months or longer.I’m currently employed and my job is pretty stable, so we won’t be eating ramen noodles three meals a day anytime soon, but we’re cutting back in all ways possible, including gift-giving occasions.

We’ve decided to do a very small Christmas this year, giving presents only to immediate family.Our friends who usually exchange gifts with us are very understanding about our situation, and we’ve agreed not to exchange presents this year.

My problem is my mother.Every year, she likes to spend several hundred dollars on an expensive item for us, something big she can wrap and put under the Christmas tree.While in the past we’ve enjoyed her generosity, we have pretty much everything we need, and definitely everything we could possibly fit in our small apartment.We would much rather have the money she would spend on something to put towards our expenses, or to put towards a semi-luxury like getting my teeth fixed (which doesn’t sound glamorous but really needs doing).

Mom doesn’t believe in giving cash as a gift.She believes that giving money shows that the giver is tacky and thoughtless, handing over cash rather than taking the time to select a gift (even if it’s not what we need anyway).In our current circumstances, what we really need is money.Is there a tactful way I can convince her of this?

A Fistful of Dollars

Dear Dollars,

No, there isn’t.

It’s a gift.You don’t get to dictate the terms of a gift, unless it’s an item to which you have a physical allergy, and cash is not a gift — it’s cash.If you need a loan, ask for a loan.

Sars,

I’ve been
trying to resolve this problem
and it’s still a sticking point.Names changed of course.First, lots of
background.

John and I have been best friends since second grade.His twin sister, Jane,
has also been in our circle
of close friends.We never dated and were content to just be friends.We
spent a lot of free time
together, went on vacations together, and just hung out.

Fast forward to five years ago.John has two
sisters, his twin and an older sister.They’ve both been married for over
five years and have children.
John starts wife-hunting.Every woman he dates, he views them as
wife potential. He was considering going
back to school to get an MBA, and I suggested that maybe he might meet a
woman there.His comment was that
he would never date anyone from graduate school, because she would be more
interested in her career than
a family.He’s always been very competitive, and I got the feeling he felt
left behind with his sisters
being married and having had kids.

Three years ago, we attend our ten-year high school
reunion.He’s adamant about
not going, because despite his great job and nice house, he’s not dating
anyone.I forcefully drag him
to the reunion, and we meet up with a couple of girls that he wouldn’t mind
dating.This is where
Susan enters the picture.We had gone to junior high and high school with Susan, but
did not socialize with
her.I think Susan is pretty
nice and told John to go for it
if he wants to date her.Six whirlwind months later, he proposes.A year and a half after that, they get married.
I think they married too soon and he settled for Susan in order to catch up
with the rest of his family in the marriage-and-kids race. I didn’t tell
him this, because it’s his life and he can marry whomever he wants.

In that time, the more I got to know Susan, the more I found her to be
selfish, self-centered, and money-grubbing.
She asked me to go engagement-ring shopping with her; her eye settles on
a $10K diamond ring, and
she looks at me and says with complete innocence in her eyes, “Is that too
much?”I about fell out of
my chair.John had told me he was only going to spend $3K on a ring, which
I thought was a pretty good
price.She gets the $3K ring and tells John that he can upgrade it
whenever he’s ready.
She also quit her job before they got married to get her Ph.D
and is already talking
post-doc.In the meantime, she asks him to buy her a Volvo or a
Lexus.She also complains to me that
John is ignoring her request to build her an office.He had planned to
remodel a portion of the basement
but doesn’t have the money. He took out a home equity loan to pay off her
student loans.

John has wanted Jane and me to become friends with his wife.Jane and I
have nothing in common with her and
we dislike her selfish attitude.John claims we’re not trying hard
enough.Jane tells me that when
John and Susan started dating, Susan told her that she didn’t like me.She
also told me that Susan
made the comment, “I thought John had more money.”John claims that Jane’s
comments are colored because
she doesn’t like Susan.I don’t think her comments are objective, but I
don’t think she’s bald-faced
lying to me either.I told John to stop trying to force us to be friends
with her.We’ll be courteous
and polite, but I can’t be friends with someone I have nothing in common
with and I find her attitude to
be annoying.John says that Susan and I have books in common.Susan likes
to read science texts and
I like to read fiction.The desire to read a book does not translate into
a commonality.

John says that the only negative thing Susan has said about me is that I’m
hard to talk to.Susan’s
method of conversation involves an interrogation style where she asks
questions and then expects long
essay answers.I prefer the conversation style where you volunteer
information and comment on each
other’s comments.In any case, I don’t think she would tell him that she
doesn’t like one of his close friends.
Her insecurity extends to not liking any females that John knows.After
meeting another one of John’s
close female friends who lives in NC, she comes back and says to me, “I
don’t like her.Should I tell
John?”I told her that since this woman lives in NC and you’re not going
to see her that often, and that
she shouldn’t bother to tell him she doesn’t like her.Her insecurity is
such that John is not allowed
to do anything without her.I understand that couples do things together,
but I think it’s nuts to
always be attached at the hip.

She also tells people that we went to junior high and high school together, implying that
we’ve been friends for a long
time.We never hung out with her crowd, so she’s as much a stranger as the
valedictorian of my class.

How can I deal with her without losing my best friend?I accept that how
they handle their finances
is none of my business, but what am I supposed to say every time she brings
up that John refuses to
spend enormous sums of money to please her?I accept that how they choose
to run their lives is none
of my business also, but they’re expecting excitement, approval, and support
of everything they do.
She’s not mean to me, but our personalities are not compatible and probably
won’t ever be.

Wishing my best friend’s wife wasn’t so self-centered

Dear Wish,

I don’t know what to tell you.Yeah, Susan sounds like kind of a pill, and you’d rather not have to deal with her when you hang out with John, but that’s not the world we live in, so you’ll have to choose — put up with Susan, or phase John out.

To decide, think about why you still consider John a close friend.Yeah, you share a history, but what do you have in common with him now?What makes him fun to hang out with now?What’s your payoff for tolerating the hectoring about not getting along with Susan and “Jane says that blah” and all the rest of that?Because that’s your whole focus now with John, and that’s a problem.

Every friend comes with an annoyance or two — he’s cheap, he’s chronically late, his wife lives on your last nerve, whatever — but with true friends, you put up with the annoyances because it’s worth it to you.You love them, and you hardly notice the rest of it.But when “the rest of it” becomes all you associate with a given friend, maybe it’s time to reassess and acknowledge that times change.

Hi, Sars.

My brother is getting married to the most amazing, wonderful,
fantastic chick that I have ever met. I’m looking forward to having her as a
sister-in-law. Here’s the problem: the bridesmaids are throwing her a shower
in NYC.I live in Washington, DC. I would have to go up just for the day,
because I have a prior commitment the night before and I work during the
week. I was willing to do this until I found out how much it would cost. Too
much for just a day trip, I feel.

My question is this: Should I still send a
bridal shower gift? Perhaps to one of the friends listed on the invitation?
Or should I roll the dough and love into a wedding gift for the couple? (The
bride is already getting a free, relaxing massage from me the weekend of her
wedding — I’m a massage therapist.)

I am woefully inept at wedding etiquette. Your guidance would be
appreciated.

Sincerely,
Can’t Wait To Be A Sister-In-Law

Dear Can’t,

I don’t know the etiquette here either; I don’t think you “have to” send a shower gift if you don’t plan to attend, and if you’ve already arranged for the massage (and/or a gift from the couple’s registry), I don’t believe it’s strictly necessary.

But you seem to want to recognize the occasion, so why not get her just a little something and send it to the friend in charge of the shower?A nice set of soaps, a box of Crane notepaper — just a small acknowledgment, along with a note saying you wish you could be there.

Or you could just phone her up and say so — you seem pretty close.It sounds like the gesture concerns you more than the actual gift, so letting her know in person would work too, I think.

[10/16/02]

Share!