Dear Sars,

This isn’t a life-or-death question. Mostly a “why the hell do cats do that”
question.

I have been looking on websites everywhere for an explanation to something
my cat Bob does. My cat makes me laugh harder than anything I see on TV and
we have named her antics “Cat TV,” and yes, Bob is a she. Not sure why, she
felt like a “Bob” when I got her from the Humane Society, so Bob she is.

I have no intention of trying to train her out of anything, but this makes
me laugh every day and I wonder if it is just my cat, or do they all do this
and why?

When I come home at night after work, she is waiting at the window looking
out for me (awww), and when I open the door she hops down and runs over.
However, while running she feels the need to alternately stretch her back
legs. Needless to say, it slows her down and makes her slightly less than
graceful. Why does she feel the need to stretch WHILE running?

Sincerely,
Laughing myself sick over Cat TV and the stretch-a-thon

Dear Laughing,

I have no idea.The Hobe will stop mid-gallop for a stretch sometimes — weirdo — but he doesn’t try to run and stretch at the same time, so I don’t know what’s going on there.

But if it’s not hurting her to do it, laugh it up.

Sars,

My lovely boyfriend is moving in with me and the cat.I “got” them both
around the same time, and am equally attached.The boyfriend likes the cat,
but is really allergic.He’s braved it so far, without so much as a peep,
but I can see how snuffly and sneezy he gets by the end of the night when he
stays over.I can only imagine how dreadful his allergies will be if they
live together full-time.

We have discussed this at length, and the boyfriend says he loves and wants
the cat.I do too.But how can I just sit by and watch the boyfriend
suffer?He’s being really kind about it, but I know it’s going get to be
too much one day.

Apart from giving the cat away, which breaks my heart, is there anything I
can do to minimize the symptoms?I don’t let the cat in the bedroom, and we
try to keep him off the couches.But I really don’t want to restrict the
cat’s life so much that he is confined to one spot in a non-carpeted,
non-upholstered area!

It seems that whatever I do, it’s either not fair to the cat or not fair to
the boyfriend.Dear Sars, please help me be a good girlfriend and a good mother!

Aaaaa-choo!

Dear Gesundheit,

At the risk of suggesting the obvious, has your boyfriend tried antihistamines — Benadryl, Tavist D, something in a non-drowsy formula that protects him against the dander, or perhaps a prescribed version that’s a little stronger?

An antihistamine is the first step.The second step is to put dander-control measures in place now, before you move in together.Brush the cat in an uncarpeted area once a week; use one of the brushes that gets at the bitty little under-hairs that trap dander and lint.Vacuum religiously, using a machine with anti-allergen bags (Hoover uprights have them), and get one of those air-purifier doodads that sucks up dust and invisible mites and whatnot.Get to the dander before it gets to your boyfriend.

Start with some Clarinex or something; see if it helps.

Sarah:

I come to you today talking about faith, religion, and the Almighty Dollar.(No, really.)As you may (or may not) know, the book series Left Behind has become very popular in recent years, sparking a slew of spin-offs such as movies, children’s books, graphic novels, and a rumored TV show.Now, I am Catholic, but I picked up the books thinking they were science fiction novelizations of the apocalypse and not because of the Christian message.I did, however, really get into the story.The story is well written and the characterization is very well done (and you can skip over the really preachy parts that I’m convinced Tim LaHaye writes just so he can be considered a co-writer and receive top billing on the book).I’ve visited the website and read a few articles there.

So what’s this have to do with Tomato Nation, you ask?On the Left Behind website, in order to read some of their articles, you have to sign up and pay (yes, pay!) for the “privilege.”Forty-five dollars, no less!I’m wondering, Sarah, don’t you think I’ve paid enough?Do you think it’s fair and kind for a group of people that claim to be ministering to the “confused” and those who need/want/desire to find God to charge $45.00 in order to obtain their “guidance”?

And if so, have you ever considered charging people to read The Vine?

I’m getting off of my soapbox now,
Too poor to have to pay for God (but willing to send Tomato Nation and TWoP a few bucks)

Dear Poor,

“Fair and kind” has nothing to do with it; we live in a capitalist society.I mean, yes, I think you’ve paid enough, especially to wingnuts like the LaHayes, but it’s not like religious “leaders” trying to profit from their teachings is new.You don’t think $45 is a reasonable market price, so…don’t pay it.

And I haven’t considered charging people to read The Vine, but it’s not a moral issue in my case, either; it’s a market issue.I already have ads on the site, and a subscription model for this site doesn’t make sense.

Hi Sars —

I work in an office of fairly well educated,
intelligent people. However, I’ve heard at least two
of them use the word “irregardless.” I was under the
impression that there was a “regardless” and an
“irrespective,” but not an “irregardless.” Isn’t that
a contradictory term? I have no life.

Dorky McNitpicker

Dear DM,

Oh, no.No, no, no, no, NO.Why has thou forsaken me, 11C?WHYEEEEEEE??

Okay, check it out.Webster’s actually has an entry for “irregardless.”The meaning, and I quote: “REGARDLESS.”The usage note that follows wants to please everyone, and will succeed in pleasing no one:

… The most frequently repeated remark about it is that “there is no such word.”There is such a word, however.It is still used primarily in speech, although it can be found from time to time in edited prose.Its reputation has not risen over the years, and it is still a long way from general acceptance.Use regardless instead.

“Still a long way from general acceptance”?Well, duh — because the “word” does not make sense.”Regardless” means “despite everything” or “without taking into account,” but adding an “ir-” prefix makes it mean the opposite.But…the opposite of what?I mean, “despite nothing”?”Taking into account”?Why not just say that, then?Or use the word we already have that means the same thing, namely “irrespective”?I mean, what’s next — “would of” is an acceptable substitute for “would have” because it’s too tiring to fight lazy usage and accusations of intellectual snobbery?The use of correct English is not snobbery, and the 11C entry on “irregardless” totally sells out those of us who care about correct English for a living.Who the fuck is supposed to care about it if the goddamn dictionary just throws its hands up all “well, everybody’s doing it so what the hell”?

Hit it, Bryan: “Although this widely scorned NONWORD seems unlikely to spread much more than it already has, careful users of language must continually swat it when they encounter it.”Capitalization his, God bless him.

“Irregardless” is not a word.Decades of lazy usage do not make it one.I will grudgingly allow “impact” as a verb; its original etymology doesn’t give me much choice.Not “irregardless,” no way, no day.IT’S FUCKING WRONG.

Hi Sars,

This may end up being a long letter, so feel free to edit as you see fit.

I was working in the office of a paint store about ten years ago when a painter named Joe came in to the store.I thought he was pretty cute, so one of the guys who worked in the store steered him into the office to ask me out.We went out and had a great time.We started dating regularly after that and I found out that he was a really terrific man.I was quite a partier back then and he was “straighter,” he was a hard worker, respected me, sent me flowers weekly (if not more), and helped me through a few rough times.

We moved in together about seven months after we began dating and got engaged a few months after that.We were engaged for a year and a half before we had our big wedding.For the most part, things were perfect.I had some issues with his coming home late from work (painting) a lot and not calling me to let me know, and he had some problems with the amount of money I spent.Not huge issues, just marital spats.

I got pregnant two months after we got married.I went into labor at 27 weeks of pregnancy and ended up in the hospital for a month before my son was born.To illustrate what kind of man Joe was, the first night I was in the hospital, he didn’t even ask IF he could stay with me, he just asked WHERE he was supposed to sleep.He stayed on a cot (with a bad back to boot) in the room with me every night I was in the hospital.

I quit working after our son was born (by mutual agreement, I was supposed to stay home until Tim started school).Joe continued to paint (he worked for his father’s painting company).I had a friend whose husband was starting an internet porn company and was making quite a bit of money doing it.He met Joe and offered him a job.Joe was interested, and I encouraged him to go for it because a) he had back and feet problems that were only getting worse with the physical labor of painting, and b) he stood to eventually make more money.

Here come the problems — within a month of working there, he started working until 1:00, 2:00, or 3:00 AM.He was the only married guy working there (except his boss, whose wife, my friend, was cheating and didn’t care what Mike did).All the other guys were young, single, and child-free.They worked, played video games, drank, and basically just “hung out” together.He felt like he was part of an “in crowd” for once.

An internet porn convention was coming up, and his boss asked me if I wanted to go to Vegas with them since his wife would be going.I agreed.While we were there, it hit me what Joe was doing and dealing with every day.Strippers, hookers, plain old ordinary skanks, perverts, et cetera.I was disgusted, and after we returned home I started telling him that I was unhappy with him working there and that I would be happier if he were to find a different job.He refused.I got myself a job and started going out myself on weekends — trying to hurt him like he was hurting me.

He moved out after I gave him an ultimatum — Tim and me or the job.He chose the job.We were apart for about a year before we started seeing each other again.We again “dated” for a year or so before moving BACK in together last summer.I agreed that he could keep the job and go to a “couple” of conventions a year.His part of the bargain was that he would be on time, call me if he was going to be late, and put my feelings ahead of those of his boss and coworkers.

In May he went to Thailand for another convention.He promised no hookers before he went, and swore there had been none after he got back (I knew the reputation for hookers in Thailand).He called sporadically during that trip, but I understood because of the time difference and the hassle of international calling.The first week in August, he went to Florida for ANOTHER convention.He didn’t call me for two days, and when he did finally call it was from a bar.Upon his return from that trip, it slipped out that Mike (his boss) had a new girlfriend in Thailand who is a HOOKER.He spent his entire trip there (one week) with her and her friends and Mike, going scuba diving, boating, et cetera.He swears that nothing sexual happened and I guess I believe him.

After finding this out, I gave another ultimatum.I told him that 11 trips in one year was not a “couple” of conventions, as we agreed on.I told him that he had lied to me and I didn’t trust him on trips.I told him he treated me like crap while on these trips and that I couldn’t stay with him if he didn’t give up the business trips.Again, he chose the trips/job over me and our son.

Whew — I needed to tell the story, I have kept it to myself for a long time.I DO have a question, though — was I wrong?Does it sound like I am trying to control him (that is his take on it) or does it sound like I am trying to preserve what little dignity I have left?My son is begging me to go back to his daddy, and I am very lonely.It hurts me to see our son in pain, and it hurts to be without someone who I cared about for a long time.Did I make a huge mistake in giving the ultimatum?It’s only been two weeks since Tim and I moved out — will we ever feel better?

Last on the List

Dear Last,

“Wrong” isn’t really the right word here; the ultimatum isn’t the problem.The problem is everything leading up to the ultimatum.First the job opens up, and you think he should take it, which he does, but then when you realize that it involves, well, porn, you decide he should quit.Can you see how he might find that unreasonable, and kind of controlling?I don’t disagree that that world is distasteful, but I don’t know exactly what you expected.It’s porn.And it’s not about the porn, anyway, exactly.It’s about you just deciding what he should do, and then if he doesn’t want to do it, you make it about your dignity, but dignity is about respect, not obedience.

Do you trust him?Do you believe he remains faithful to you on these trips?Does he still treat you kindly and lovingly when he’s home?Then it sounds to me like he respects you, and the issue is that you put conditions on it that he can’t live with — not that it’s wrong of you to do so, necessarily, but that he can’t live with them.How important is it to you that he meet those conditions?Can you give him a longer leash and believe that he’ll stay above the sleazier elements of the industry?

If you can’t, if the job really is a deal-breaker for you, well, he’s made the choice for you and you should both follow up on it once and for all.But if you can trust him, and yet you act like you don’t with the calls and the limits on the conventions and whatnot, maybe it’s time to rethink your approach.

You don’t really have a “wrong” choice here; either you can trust him and live with his work, or you can’t, and if you just can’t, you will learn to live with it and you will feel good about it eventually.

[10/16/03]

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