Sars, I love your work, et cetera.

Here’s my problem, and it’s a fatal one:

I’m currently apartment/cat/fish-sitting for two friends of mine.Everything has gone fairly well.The cats and I play and sleep together, I’ve watered everything that needs watering, mail is in its wicker basket.All is well except, however, for the fish.I’ve killed not one, not two, but three of their fish.Fish, I understand, are stupid pets.For my friends, though, it’s different.The owner of the deceased is a teacher.His students picked out these fish and named them during the school year.Now, under my care, they’ve died.My question to you is how do I go about handling this?What do I say to them when the get back?Is there any way to be cute about it since they are, after all, just fish?I had planned on replacing the dead fish with look-alikes, but a) that’s underhanded, and b) there’s no time for that since said friends return home in a couple of days, and I already flushed the fish and can hardly remember what they look like.I mean, these aren’t cats or dogs or even children, but just fish. I don’t want to upset my friends too much.Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Au Pair

Dear Au Pair,

Apologize for letting the fish die.Express sympathy and understanding about the sentimental value of the fish; offer to replace them with similar fish at your own expense.

Fish die at the drop of a hat; you didn’t mean to kill these fish.Your friends understand both of those things.

Hey there!

I love your page, I read it religiously, and have gotten all my girlfriends hooked on it as well — you totally have our numbers!I’m in need of some advice from someone who is painfully honest and doesn’t know a thing about me…care to help?

I started a new job four months ago, and with it came a new guy, one whom has since transferred departments and become the love of my life.I’ve been in relationships, I’ve even been engaged, but I have never felt anything like this before in my life. I know what you are thinking, it’s not just all about the sex (although it is positively the best sex I have ever had) — he knows what I’m going to say before the words get out, we talk for hours on the phone, when I’m not with him I have a real physical ache in my chest — this is the big time, love with a capital L.

Now, after “officially” dating for six weeks, we are talking about moving in together in November. I have been unofficially moved in for about a month now; since he lives closer to the city and we work totally opposite shifts, we only see each other for about three hours a day during the week. All of our friends think that I am smoking a large amount of crack to even consider the possibility of giving up my apartment, but all the signs are saying it is the right thing to do, and in my heart I know he is the ONE.How do I tactfully fend off their disdainful comments and negative energy without offending them?I want them to be happy for us, but they are all just sad little balls of bitterness.I know this is all sudden, but there are no rules for moving in together, are there? I already know all his bad habits, and he knows mine, and we’re okay with that, so why can’t our friends just get over it and give us a fake smile and at least pretend to be excited for us?I seriously need help on this because I am about two seconds away from turning into turbo-bitch on them and telling them what I really think about THEIR relationships…

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Buttercup

Dear Buttercup,

Stand in front of a mirror, put on a faint smile, and rehearse the following lines:

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I’m sorry it bothers you.”
“I’m sorry you’re so worried.”

Then practice changing the subject.If that doesn’t work, quiz them on why it bothers them so much; keep asking “why” like a four-year-old.It’s not the most mature tactic, but it will make it subtly evident that their objections don’t hold water — and that said objections don’t have much to do with worrying about you, and more to do with your friends’ issues and insecurities.

Or try a more direct approach, like so: “Look, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it — and until I do, would you mind sparing me the negativity?I appreciate your concern, but enough already.”

However you decide to deal with it, try not to let it get to you.It isn’t about you or your relationship; it’s about them and their baggage.Don’t get sucked in.

Dear Sars,

I am kind of new to your site, but when this problem came up, I thought you might be a good person to ask for advice.At least, that’s what I thought after I finished retching.

First, a little background.I met “Debbi” a little over a year ago.We got to be pretty good friends, or so I thought.It was only later that I found out the kind of things she had been saying about me behind my back.She was very uncomfortable with my bisexuality and was upset that I didn’t immediately tell her about my past relationships with women.Apparently, by discussing ex-boyfriends, I had been misleading her.She was especially bothered because I’d spent the night at her house (in the other room, mind you), and, well, I guess all bisexuals are just waiting for the chance to attack HER.

Pretty silly stuff, but I also knew that she made these comments right after we had gotten to know each other.In the interim, I had grown to consider her a pretty good friend.I learned about these comments shortly after Debbi left town, and I couldn’t decide what to do with the friendship.Did I want to remain friends with someone who could spout such nonsense?Should I confront her?Drop her like a hot potato?

Unfortunately, I couldn’t just let the relationship die a natural death.Debbi might have moved several states away, but she is now engaged to “Larry.”Larry and I are members of the same graduate school department (as was Debbi before she moved).Not only that, but Larry is my housemate.I’ve been invited to the wedding and everything.Whew.As is my custom with such matters, I’ve been putting off any real action.

Larry and I generally get along, though we have never been especially close. He is, in some ways, the typical academic — very fussy, uptight, kind of cheap.I was a bit surprised to learn about his porn habit, but not horrified.A friend of mine was looking through the history on one of the computers in our office, and he found that Larry was the only person who could have downloaded the few raunchy movies saved to the hard drive.Even this seemed typical, because anyone that repressed must have an outlet.

Well, a couple of days ago, I was fooling around on my own computer, checking settings and preferences for no particular reason.I found evidence that someone had been using my computer in decidedly unauthorized ways.My computer had been used to visit a site called incest.com, and the username it remembered was Larry’s first and middle initials and last name.At this point, all of my alarm bells are going off.But it was still possible that he had visited a (commercial?!?) support site, I thought.So I checked the site.It is, in fact, a dual-purpose site, with one side addressing support for victims and the other side for adult entertainment.Guess which side requires a username and password?

Needless to say, I was pretty disturbed — well, grossed out is a better way to put it.I was out of the country for a couple months this summer, so Larry would have had ample time to use my computer.However, unlike his days on the office computer, Larry now has his own computer and his own internet access.What the hell was he doing using my machine?Do I have to worry about it happening again?Obviously not one for confrontation, I can’t even conceive of how to approach him, and would like to avoid it if at all possible.And then there’s the Debbi problem.Given the rather disturbing nature of the site, I almost think she might deserve to know.ALMOST.I don’t know that he has or would act on those fantasies, after all; nor do I know his exact leanings.And I certainly don’t want to be the one to break up a happy couple — especially when I live with the one I’d be ratting on.I might feel differently if I still were really close with Debbi, but I’m not sure.This situation is too complicated and, well…sticky.(Eww.)

What would you do if you were in a similar situation?I know I can put a password on my computer, but it still won’t do away with the last vestiges of loyalty I feel for Debbi.Yet I’d hate to wreck her relationship unnecessarily.Any words of advice?

Queasily,
Amethyst Jones

Dear Amethyst,

It’s possible that Debbi already knows about Larry’s predilections, but I don’t think you should talk to her.You do, however, need to talk to Larry.

Confront him with the evidence.Don’t do it angrily; just tell him in an even tone of voice that if he wants to indulge in fantasies about incest, he can do it on his own time and on his own machine, and that from now on your computer will have a password.Then inform him in the same even tone that you don’t know if Debbi knows about his tastes in pornography, and you don’t particularly feel like telling her, because it’s not your place, and also, yuck — but if she asks you directly, you won’t lie for him.

I don’t blame you for thinking that you might have a responsibility to tell Debbi about it.But as far as you know, Larry’s just looking and getting his rocks off.It’s supremely icky, but as long as he’s not hurting anyone — and technically, he’s not — it’s probably best to keep quiet about it, not to mention easier for everyone.

I’ll probably regret this, but — let’s hear from the readers.Cut and paste the mini-questionnaire below into an email and send it along to me by Friday the 19th.

1. Under the exact same circumstances, would you rat Larry out to Debbi?Why/why not?
2. If you said no — what if Debbi’s a closer friend of yours?Would you tell her then?Why/why not?
3. Do think that porn is “just porn,” generally, or that using porn Says Something about a person (and if so, what does it say)?Does it depend on the kind of porn — like, big-breasted-mama porn is okay but it’s pathological once goats get involved?

Okay, bring it on.

[10/17/01]

Share!