Dear Sars,

You seem to have a lot of good, classy advice to give. Right now, I definitely need some.

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months and I recently moved into his house with him. Things are peachy keen between us and in the whole love/relationship aspect, I’ve never been happier. The problem is his ex-girlfriend.

She is a very troubled woman; my first experience with her was when he had to tell her to get dressed and go home after we came home to find her in his bed, naked and waiting, after leaving twenty unanswered messages on his machine about how sorry she was and how much she wanted him back. That was four months ago. At the time, in front of me, he told her he regretted ever having been involved with her and that he fully intended to marry me, to which she started hysterically crying and left. When he broke up with her over a year ago, she threatened to kill herself. At that point he was very guilty and hesitant to upset her, but that has been replaced with indifference now. She is not well. She is divorced with two kids and lives in the same small town and leases a house from his family, so we have to see her occasionally. She’s very careful not to act too crazy in front of him, but when it’s just us, like when I see her at the post office or she comes by to pay her rent and I’m alone at his parents’ house, it’s ugly. I am normally the type of girl who tells the guy to take care of the situation because it’s not my problem, but she has turned this into my problem. Not wanting to sound like a paranoid idiot, I haven’t said anything to him, either. She calls our house constantly and hangs up when she knows he is at work (we didn’t have caller ID until recently, so she has no idea I know), keys my car, says horrible things to me if no one is around, and generally acts like she’s in high school. I refuse to drop to that level.Now she has her seven-year-old daughter calling me “that bitch.” Up until now I’ve not responded at all, I just ignore her and act like I don’t know or care who she is.

How do I put an end to this behavior without looking like I give a rat’s ass? This man is the love of my life and I don’t want to do anything to mess that up. After being with her, he has an absolutely zero crap tolerance, so I’ve hesitated to say anything thus far. I know I should laugh it off, but this simply isn’t laughable anymore. I am afraid things are going to get much worse, because we are about to come into a large sum of money and I am concerned she won’t let that go by without trying to pull something. I am not a confrontational person and I have never been in a situation like this before. I am beginning to fear that she is really going to eventually hurt me.

Please help,
Stuck In An Uncomfortable Attraction

Dear Stuck,

You have to talk to your boyfriend about it.I know you don’t want to rock the boat or turn it into a she-said/she-said kind of thing, but first of all, you don’t feel safe, and second of all, it’s not like he doesn’t know what his ex is capable of.She threatened to kill herself when he dumped her, she called him dozens of times, she climbed naked into his bed…he knows she’s cracked, and it’s ridiculous to pretend differently.It affects both of you.Tell him so.

Sit him down and tell him that you need to discuss a sticky subject with him.List for him, as neutrally as you can possibly manage, all the things that freak you out about the woman.Also, start logging how often she calls, incidents involving your car, times that her child calls you a bitch.Write it all down; keep a record.Document everything, every contact you have with her, ugly or not.

If the harassment continues, well, you’ve got three choices.You can let the situation ride, continuing to ignore her as best you can.You (or, preferably, your boyfriend) can tell her one last time to get over it or you’ll take joint legal action against her, which, really, I wouldn’t advise unless absolutely necessary, because it’ll just play into her perception of herself as a victim.Or the two of you could get the hell out of Dodge — and frankly, I don’t quite see why you haven’t already.Your boyfriend’s family is her landlord?What the hell is that?It’s all too tangled up.Get out of there.Move half an hour away — farther, even.Get an unlisted phone number.

But before you do that, look at the real issue here.You don’t think your boyfriend will take you seriously if you bring it up, and that’s a problem.If he doesn’t take you seriously when you do bring it up, that’s a serious problem, more serious than you should have to deal with.You didn’t sign on for the crazy ex.Your boyfriend needs to get that.

Hi Sars,

I love Tomato Nation and read both the Vine and the essays religiously, but have never written until now.

Yesterday’s letter from Buttercup was completely sweet, but a little alarming, because it sounds very similar to the situation of a friend of mine, Carrie.She is MARRYING the man she’s been dating for only two months, and giving up the apartment and quitting the job as a result. Normally, we (her friends) would think it was fantastic and encourage her to follow her heart.However…

…a problem arises, because Carrie is the same girl who proclaims every person she’s in a relationship in as “The One” after three or four dates.It’s happened so often we don’t take it seriously anymore.None of these men, of course, have turned out to be “The One,” but Carrie’s so desperate to be in love and blinded by the initial relationship-rush that it doesn’t seem to matter.Not to say that Buttercup is the same way, but her admonission that she’s been engaged before raises a small but meaningful red flag.Broken engagements are fairly common — I just wonder if her friends’
opinions stem from genuine concern rather than their own relational issues. Additionally, when she writes that “all of [her] friends” as opposed “one of [her] friends” are not rooting for the happy couple, it makes me more worried.”A friend” can be shockingly dumb, but “all my friends” are rarely simultaneously wrong.

Thanks for letting me raise some questions.Keep up the good work.

Rock on,
Kate in NY

Dear Kate,

I don’t disagree with you.The previous engagement raised a red flag with me, too.Buttercup’s friends probably have a point.

But — sing along if you know the words — that’s not what Buttercup asked me.She didn’t ask, “Do you think they’re right about us?”She didn’t ask for my opinion on the relationship itself.She asked how she could get her friends to stop harping on it, and that’s what I advised her on.

And you know what else?I think six weeks of dating is probably too soon to move in together, and the assessment of “the ONE” sounds like hormone-addled nonsense to me, but Buttercup is going to do what she wants to do regardless of what I think, or what her friends think, and maybe it’s a bad idea and maybe it’s going to end in heartbreak and maybe she’ll move out on the guy in two months’ time and her friends will make with the “I told you so,” but it’s Buttercup’s life and she’s got to make her own mistakes.

We’ve all got Carries in our lives.When the Carries blither on about True Love and This Time It’s Real for the seventeenth time in five years, well, no, we don’t take it seriously anymore.But lecturing the Carries on their behavior doesn’t work.Sure, it’s the truth, but it’s going to fall on deaf ears.

Dear Sars, the Omniscient Vine Guru,

I know this may seem irrelevant at such a time of political upheaval, but I have a burning-teen-work-related-angst-type quandary.

After viewing my university programme, I made the executive decision to seize the day and take a year off between secondary school and tertiary education. I thus needed a job, any job, and fast. I, quite foolishly, took the first job that was offered to me in the interim: a traineeship in an office. Shit pay. Shit hours. Contract. Full Time. FULL TIME. Didn’t, er, exactly notify them of my university plans. Just signed.

I want to quit. Now. Hate. It. So. Much. Want. To. Maim.

Here comes the conundrum: they love me. They do everything possible to accommodate me. They don’t say anything if I turn up late. They bought tea-making equipment when I said in passing that I didn’t like coffee. They have told me that I have a place with them for as long as I want it. They confide in me. I’m the first person they have ever hired outside family, but gee whiz, I am like a part of their family now. They talk about how, in five years time…and while they say this, oh! The hideous, self-inflicted shame doth washeth over mine soul.

I feel so guilty, and rightly so. I mean, could I plunge the knife into their backs any deeper? I am a horrible employee. I hate the work, I hardly do the work, and I want to leave. I should leave, because they deserve someone dedicated and appreciative. They lavish goodwill and opportunity, and all I want to do is get a casual job that pays better and that will allow me to live my life. I am just a selfish teen, goddammit! Just let me LIVE! This isn’t what I want. It never was, but I have sat there in that chair for four months and have never said anything about how I won’t be able to come to the wedding because, by the way, I will be in another state after running your trust into the ground.

What should I do? Should I bite the bullet and tell them the truth? Or should I tell them that I have terminal cancer and have to run away overseas so you had better find another employee! And then my conscience will implode from the convoluted web of lies I am creating. But what about my contract? What about the fact that they have to find someone else? Hideous. I am.

Signed,
Horrible, Guilt-Ridden Arse

Dear Arse,

What’s the problem here?Seriously.I don’t get it.If you signed a contract, you have to stay until it expires, regardless of whether you like the work.You don’t like the work?Get in line.If you don’t have to adhere to a contract, you can just quit, in which case…just quit.The company you work for muddled along somehow before they hired you; they won’t implode if you leave.Tell them you’ve decided to go back to school, thank them for the opportunity, wish them luck, train your replacement, and leave.You don’t want to have that conversation?Get in line.

Sometimes, jobs suck.Sometimes, quitting a job is awkward and unpleasant.Welcome to the working world.Consider your options and make a decision like an adult.There’s no deus ex machina here.

You must have known I’d tell you exactly that, right?

[10/18/01]

Share!