Dear Sarah,

I know this is a silly question. It’s usually pretty common sense, and a normal person who is not a slob would be able to deal with this. My apartment is overridden with gnats. Little, biting, winged freaks who come at me at all hours while I’m trying to go about with my life. I can’t go five minutes without taking out the garbage, and the sink has to be spotless. I’ve managed to pretty much get them out of the kitchen, but the bathroom is their home base. They won’t go away. I think if I could reach the light above my medicine cabinet, I’d find tiny bug condos. It got better during a mild spider infestation, but since those are worse than gnats, I killed off the spiders. Now they’re returning in full force, and I think they’re pissed. I regularly go into my bathroom and see at least ten of them swirling up lazily from the sink. My SO is calling me obsessed, but he also said they’d go away. They’re not going away. They’re getting worse.

I hate bugs. The bug spray is glued to my hand, but I think I’m going to kill us with the fumes before I kill them. It’s been at least a month and a half. Blaming my boyfriend for bringing them in after soaking his paintball gear in the tub for a day or two isn’t going to get rid of them. I’m past that. Mostly. Do you have any advice for an amateur bug killer? I want to have guests at my apartment again, and this is killing me. I’d like to cook again too, and not have to examine my food for little black “seeds.” Please help me.

I Hate Bugs

Dear House Of Buggin’,

First of all, God bless you for giving me the means to begin a letter with “Dear House Of Buggin’.”Hey, I make my own fun.

Okay.Each different kind of insect (or arachnid) infests human dwellings for a different reason; I don’t know enough about creepy crawlies to tell you how to get rid of individual breeds, and depending on where you live, the bugs might just come with the territory, so I’ll just dispense general bug-proofing advice and you can take it from there.

Your first step is to nuke ’em.Go to the store, get a bug bomb that purports to kill every living thing within a nautical mile, read the directions carefully, arrange for yourself and any pets to spend the day elsewhere, and set the thing off.

Once that’s done, it’s prevention time.Scour your house — the whole thing.Empty the fridge and clean it out.Bleach everything that can take it.Create an inhospitable environment.Then do a point-to-point search of every corner, cranny, baseboard, and crawlspace in the house.Look for nests; look for entry points.Seal them off.Check your screens and repair them if you need to.

After that, just keep the house clean.Pick things up.Store food promptly and securely; don’t leave anything out, including toothpaste.Vacuum weekly; take the trash out every night.Nobody would accuse me of keeping a lovely home, but I’ve never had a bug problem, partly because the cats kill and eat anything that moves, but mostly because every non-canned food item in my house is in the fridge and the garbage goes out every night.

If none of that works, get your landlord on the phone and get a professional exterminator out there, but try the bug bomb and a thorough cleaning first.

Dear Sars,

I’m approaching you as a first-time apartment dweller who has only been on
her own since December.I figure maybe you can give me a bit of advice on
dealing with my new neighbor.

My new neighbor, from what I’ve heard of him, is under the impression that
because he’s shelling out $500 a month for his apartment, this entitles him
the right to do whatever he likes, regardless of its effect on his
surrounding neighbors.I’m of the opinion that during the day, he’s free to
do whatever he wants.But at night, he needs to show a little frigging
respect for those of us that have to share walls with him and actually sleep
at night.

I am coasting along on three hours sleep right now, because my neighbor decided
at one o’clock this morning to start practicing for his future career as a
rock superstar.He turned on the amp, and the next thing I know I’ve got a
horrible bass beat shaking my walls.Actually, that’s just a guess.It’s
either that or he’s got a really good stereo system hooked up to his TV and
enjoys playing movies with a lot of explosions.At any rate, it was loud as
hell, and my walls were vibrating from one in the morning until after well
after three.I finally gave up and trudged whimpering upstairs into my
loft, where the sounds were a little more muted.

So, here’s my question.Should I just register a complaint with the
apartment management and let them deal with him?Or should I call the cops
on him if he does it again tonight?Or both?And how DO you call the cops
on someone without calling 911, who would probably not appreciate my tying
up their lines with my retard-induced insomnia?

I’m turning into a zombie here, Sars!And I’d eat his brains, but I’m
fairly sure he doesn’t have any.

Zombie Insomniac

Dear Zombie,

I take it you didn’t go downstairs, knock on his door, and ask him to turn it down.You should have.Yes, it seems like he would know that one in the morning is too late for loud music, but you can’t count on other people to “know” anything in this life, and if you didn’t take your butt down there and tell him you couldn’t sleep, it’s your own fault.Next time he cues up the Steve Vai in the wee hours, nicely let him know that that’s not how we do things.

If it doesn’t work, then you register a complaint with apartment management or file a noise complaint with the police (your local yellow pages should have a number for the closest precinct so you won’t have to call 911).But first things first.Before you call in the cavalry, try asking him nicely to keep it down after midnight.

Dear Sars,

Here’s my problem: My former best friend (from late elementary school through high school) and I have grown apart. I have not laid eyes on her in approximately eight years. Throughout our friendship, we had one very large bone of contention: religion. She is a right-wing Baptist from her head to her toes, and I’m…well, I’m not. I’m a very liberal Lutheran. (When we were thirteen, she attempted to get my help in writing a rabid anti-gay letter to our senator.) While I believe in God and Jesus and I pray pretty often, I do not go to church regularly (never have), and I am engaged to and living with a man who is a non-practicing Catholic. I married when I was very young and stupid and was divorced in record time (it was so short, in fact, that I refer to it as my “mulligan,” and often forget I was ever married).

Suffice it to say my friend, “Nan,” disapproves of my life in a major way. She always has, as a matter of fact. She’s never come right out and said so, but I’ve always felt it. I grew up with the distinct impression that God does not love me because I am not Baptist, or I am not as good as she because I am not Baptist, or I am not as good a Christian because I am not Baptist. She has spent much of our relationship making me feel, directly or indirectly, like crap. I don’t doubt that this is largely unintentional, but the damage is/has been done regardless.

I know I should just write her off, and while it would be relatively easy to do, it’s not foolproof. She is a teacher now, married to a coach, and she has a little boy. Last year, she bought a house. For some reason, she thinks my parents have lots in common with her now (my mom’s a special ed teacher, and my dad’s a coach). She calls them disturbingly often, just to talk. It’s weird. She doesn’t call me at all. In fact, the only correspondence I receive from her is in the form of braggy Christmas cards, and the occasional form letter informing me that she and her family have moved and imploring me (or, rather, The Reader) to keep in touch. These are computerized letters without even a handwritten line or a signature, and I find them horribly insulting. (I have written her back — by hand — several times, and even sent $30 for her kid when I couldn’t make it to the baby shower.) She leaves my fiancé’s name out of the letter and off of the address label, which infuriates me. I have a very stable and mature relationship with him, and maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I imagine she leaves him out as an indirect protest of his state as my housemate. I try not to let it get to me, but I feel distinctly “less than” and like a complete failure for insane amounts of time afterward.

Just so you know, I have gotten my head on straight. I’m twenty-seven with a 3.6 GPA at my university. I have been with my fiancé for almost six years. We have a wonderful relationship and we are getting married next summer. This is where it all comes to a head.

Should I invite Nan to the wedding? I don’t really want to, but I feel obligated, since we have been “friends” for so long and she still makes some small effort to keep in touch (plus, she invited me to hers).My mom won’t try to force me to invite her, but if I don’t and Nan continues to call my parents, it’s bound to come out. At this point, I’m wondering why I even care to spare her feelings, but I do anyway. Plus, how should I deal with her massive amounts of condescension? Should I just tell her where she can stick it? Do you think just letting her find out she wasn’t invited to my wedding would get my point across? I’d appreciate some straightforward advice.

With thanks,
Texas Lutheran

Dear Lutheran,

It’s your wedding, your day, a time to share your happiness with friends and family, and she’s neither.You don’t want her there, and your mother is indifferent, so don’t waste the plate, and don’t devote any more mental energy to whether it “sends a message,” either, because — who cares?Not her, that’s for sure.In fact, don’t devote any more mental energy to her, period.The “friendship” is over, and that’s time you’ll never get back.

Don’t make the problem so complicated.You don’t like her.You don’t like the way she makes you feel about yourself.End of story.

[10/18/02]

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