After arguing with my word processor’s dictionary for a while, I called
a time-out and came to you.

“Toward” or “towards,” Sars? “Backward” or “backwards”? “Inward” or “inwards”? I’m
guessing “toward” and “backward,” because ‘”he moved forwards” sounds
stupid. But it doesn’t sound so stupid that I’m sure it’s wrong.

Or is it “she moved backward into the light” but “she moved backwards”?
Does it change if there’s a prepositional phrase afterward? Afterwards?
Agh. Now that I’ve noticed this problem it’s coming forward (forwards!)
everywhere!

I knew I’d get in trouble some day for learning all my grammar from
novels instead of from English teachers,

Toward(s) The Answer

Dear Answer,

Garner says that “toward” is preferred in American English, “towards” in British. I don’t think it makes a huge difference, really, but the “-ward” ending means the word can be either an adjective or an adverb; the “-wards” ending is only for adverbs. So, you can say that an object is moving either forward or forwards, but you can only say “the object’s forward motion” (not “the object’s forwards motion”).

Hey, Sars!

I’m hoping you can settle a usage disagreement for me.

Lately (and inexplicably), I have been hearing people
around me using the phrase “in your wheelhouse” a lot.
While this sudden phenomenon is strange enough on its
own, my problem is that I think everyone is using it
incorrectly.

My fella, Sam, is a case in point. He, like most
others I hear using this phrase, insists that it means
something like “in your head,” as in: “His
manipulative mind games really got in my wheelhouse.”
This makes my teeth hurt.

I understand the phrase to mean something more like
“in your area of expertise,” as in: “That audition
went well because the material was really in my
wheelhouse.”

Sars, who’s got it right? My reputation as a usage
authority is on the line here, but no pressure.

Sincerely,

My teeth, they grind

Dear Dr. Teeth,

I believe you’re correct. A wheelhouse is a pilothouse, a compartment from which a vessel is navigated, so if it’s where you do the steering, that would make sense. I think Sam has it confused with “in your grill” or “in your kitchen,” and while we’re on the subject I wish that latter expression were in wider use still.

Anyway. None of my other sources has a note on it, but if you Google “‘in your wheelhouse’ definition,” everything that comes up supports the meaning you’re using.

Hi Sars,

My problem, in a nutshell, is how to get myself to buy into the idea of moving away from my hometown to somewhere in New England with my husband.

We’ve been married 8 years, together for 10. We met over the Internet; he was living in the Northeastern U.S. and I lived in Canada, about eight hours apart. We lived in his home state for two years after we married, and I freely admit, looking back, that I didn’t give that whole experience as much of a chance as I should have. I worked, I met people, but didn’t really make any good friends. Neither of us is the most outgoing of people. I know, now, that I was simply waiting for the opportunity to sell him on moving back home with me. And that’s what I did.

We moved back to my home, bought a house and both found good jobs. He was laid off after less than a year and had a hell of a time finding other work. He finally did, though at much lower pay. Over the years his career interests have changed, but he has been prevented from pursuing his passion because to do the type of work that interests him here you have to be English/French bilingual. Needless to say, he is not. His frustration with this situation has been mounting, and so has his dislike of his current job. He would often make offhand comments about moving back to the U.S., but I never took it too seriously, and he knew I did not want to go.

Two months ago, I found out by accident that he has been interviewing for jobs in New Hampshire/Vermont/Massachusetts. He never told me he was doing this and it came as a shock. After a while, I came to understand his need to feel things out from that end and see if there were opportunities to be had. He continues to do this, which is fine. But I know that this time it is serious and we are coming to the point where we will have to decide to go, because really, his job prospects here suck. I understand that, and I want him to be happy and fulfilled in his career. But the idea of leaving our life here…friends, family et cetera, is really tearing me up, for several reasons.

One -– children. He didn’t want them, I did (when we married, neither of us had decided what we wanted…and went different ways). I have health problems that would make it difficult anyways, so I devote myself to my best friend’s twin girls as an honorary auntie. It would break my heart to only see them a few times a year. Two –- my parents. They are getting older, and stupidly, at the age of 35 I am still really attached to them. I know I will have to deal with their aging at some point, but don’t want to leave town as they are reaching old age and only see them every two months or so for a weekend. Three…damn it, I don’t want to go live somewhere where neither of us knows a living soul. That didn’t work out too well the first time and we were miserable. I found people in the state we lived in were not exactly warm and welcoming…quite standoffish, actually. It was really hard to make friends. I guess, in general, I don’t deal well with change.

So that’s my story. How do I get behind this move, that at this point seems inevitable? How do I not get teary every time I think of it? Even though it maybe be a year or two away, I find it hard to think about. I feel like such a baby, clinging to home and familiarity, when we have the freedom to live somewhere else and have a bit of an adventure. Our marriage is pretty solid, so there’s no question of splitting up over this…I just want to be able to talk this out rationally and find a solution that can make us both happy.

Already Homesick and I Haven’t Even Left

Dear Home,

It seems to me like this is an issue that might have borne more discussion before you got married — where you would live, what would happen if you had to move, and so on. It also seems to me that your husband also has parents, and also wants to like where he lives and have it feel like home, and that you say you get that, but you really don’t.

And it’s fine not to want to move. I wouldn’t want to move either; I don’t blame you. But he gave it a shot outside the U.S., and it isn’t working out, and you probably should have thought about these possibilities before, but it’s definitely time to do it now. The two of you should sit down and have a no-holds-barred, “this isn’t how I feel about you, we’re just talking about pros and cons of where to live” discussion.

And I mean no holds barred, because you threw in a couple of details that I find somewhat troubling. First, you found out about his stateside job hunt “by mistake”? That’s not a great sign, from where I sit, because it means that he kept it from you because he knew you wouldn’t take it well. Fair enough — he wasn’t wrong — but it does suggest that your-all’s communication about big issues like this is not the greatest. So does the second thing, about wanting kids. This is not a small thing to disagree on, and if you’ve really resolved it, great, but I’m not convinced that you have. How is this going to shake out without your best friend’s twins? I’m not trying to trivialize your relationship with them, but I think you need to admit, to yourself and to your husband, that there’s an importance to that relationship that’s…there’s another conversation that needs having, I think.

If your marriage is strong, you can get through these frank discussions and become more of a team. If it isn’t, well, you take it from there. But you have some incompatibilities that are not insignificant and that need to be dealt with, now, because I think your anxieties here are about more than the move itself, and you need to face those before you can get behind this change.

Hi, Sars —

I have a fairly good friend from grad school who I don’t see all that often, though we live in the same city. We do email fairly regularly, though.

I had always been vaguely aware that the sig on her personal email included a URL for her blog, but had never checked it out. Earlier this week, though, in a particularly slow period at work, I decided to take a look.

One recent entry related to her relationship with her husband (they’ve been married about five months), inspired by some legitimate concerns about the high divorce rate, how much work a good marriage does take, et cetera. Mid-entry, though, she says that she is always afraid that her husband “will be so angry at [her] because [she] spent too much money at CVS, or [she] wanted to go to NYC to see [her] girlfriends, or [she’s] too bossy.”

Needless to say, this caused me to raise my eyebrows a little, and I wanted to respond to it — but it also raised, in my mind, a question regarding blog etiquette. If she and I were chatting over drinks and she said the exact same thing to me, I would waste no time in expressing my thoughts — that those seem like really minor, insignificant things to be angry about; that I really hope the balance of power is more stable than that; that planning a girls’ weekend probably shouldn’t be cause for alarm; that, though she should certainly take her husband’s opinions into account, how she spends her money and her time are, ultimately, her decisions.

However, given that this statement was not directed at me, specifically, and was not made in an interactive manner (the blog does not accept comments), I felt that it wasn’t necessarily my place to step in with my opinion, especially given that she doesn’t even know I’ve been reading her blog.

At this point, the post is already several days old, so I probably won’t end up saying anything to her either way but — for future reference — I was curious as to what your take would be on the situation. Would you have emailed/called to discuss what she had written? Would you have gotten together with her and brought it up casually? Would you not have done anything at all?

Navigating the Blogosphere

Dear Nav,

I might have brought it up the next time I saw her, but if she didn’t have a problem expressing it on the blog, it’s possible that this is just how their marriage works and it’s not an actual capital-I issue…I don’t know. If I read something on a friend’s blog that worried me, I’d probably drop him/her a line, but to ask if everything’s okay. In this case, it would read more as passing judgment, I think, and wouldn’t be so well received.

If you’re concerned for her safety? Call her. If you just think her husband’s too controlling? I’d save it.

I’m 25, female, living in Big City, working in Suburb of
Big City. My work schedule is…unfortunate, because I work nights and
weekends and holidays and somebody shoot me now. Sorry, that’s not my Vine
question. My question involves The Boy at Work.

Boy and I have both working here for about two years, in different areas of
the same department. Always thought he was a big cutie, but never had a
work-related excuse to talk to him. There’s a kind of middleman between his
job and mine, so I’ve seen his work and deduced that he is reasonably
intelligent on top of being cute. He also has a semi-unfortunate schedule,
which is slightly irregular.

So about a week ago, I was walking down the hall about 20 feet behind Boy
and he looked back, did a mini-double-take and gave me the cutest nerdy-guy
smile in the history of the world. This gave me the nerve to introduce
myself and have a brief and basic conversation about ten minutes later.

Whenever we see each other at work, we’ve been playing the
shy-smile-then-look-at-your-feet game. I want to get past that and move on
to the getting-to-know-you and making-out-on-a-regular-basis games, but I
have no idea how. Normally, I’d ask him if he wants to grab a drink after
work, but we leave at different times. Or I’d go over to talk to a coworker
I was friendly with near his desk and casually include him. Don’t know
anyone on that end of the office.

I’m tired of sitting here and pretending I don’t have a John Hughes Movie
Crush on him. I want to do something about it, but I have no idea what. I’m
usually pretty forward, so this inability to act is confusing. Should I
invite him to my friend’s party next weekend? That seems weird because we
don’t really know each other. Sack up and ask for his number?

I need help here. Any tips are welcome.

Yes, I AM blushing, dammit

Dear Blush,

Just ask him to the party. He’s not unaware of the awkwardness, or the fact that you have weird schedules, or he’d have asked you out himself, probably — or he has a girlfriend, whatever, there’s no way to know. But the universe isn’t going to contrive the Meet Cute you want it to; you’ve been waiting for it to do that, and it hasn’t. You’ll have to ask him out yourself. As my dad used to say, the worst thing he can do is say yes.

[10/19/05]

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