Hey Sarah,

Yes, it’s another email about Buttercup.Sorry but today’s email about her poked at me a bit.I’ve been engaged before and through the grace of God or just myself I realized that wasn’t the person I wanted to wake up with everyday.Oh well.By agreeing to marry someone then changing my mind does this place me in a category of simpering romantics?Puh-lease.

My (now) husband moved into MY apartment within about a week of our first date.Then we moved to his hometown for a while.Now we own a house. We’ve been together for five years now, married for more than two of them and things are wonderful.We both knew on our second date that we were supposed to be together and wanted to start our life together as soon as possible.We were 26 and felt we’d waited long enough, thankyouverymuch.Sure, my friends and family rolled their eyes and wondered how long we’d last at first.Then they spent some time with us, realized that we really fit together and we were just not gonna change our minds.A few years later they found themselves dancing at our wedding and nothing’s been said about it since.

I’m not a person that thought every guy I dated was THE ONE.Hell, I’m not sure if I ever used that term.I’m not starry-eyed, I don’t wear flowery prints, and I don’t read romance novels but I’ve fallen in love and been engaged before.And when things haven’t worked out I’ve moved on.I can understand why Buttercup’s friends and Kate in NY are cynical and concerned and all, but I kinda resent the assumption that having taken previous relationships seriously or moving in with someone early on makes one a hormone-addled, blind romantic because, believe me, I’ve done those things and I’m not that kind of person.

Thanks,
Bitchy Pollyanna

Dear Bitchy,

Go back and read the letters, and my responses, again, and I think you’ll see that neither of them really applies to your situation.Unlike Buttercup, you’ve got the benefit of hindsight, and you no longer have to deflect your friends’ criticisms.Unlike Kate in NY’s friend Carrie, you haven’t called every man you date The One, rushed headlong into serious relationships with them, and gotten burned.

When you decide to move a relationship along that quickly, you have to look at the odds and realize that it’s a risk, and you have to recognize in turn that, when people mention that risk to you, they have a point.It’s rude of them to mention it, probably, and of course they don’t know everything about the situation, these people, but they have a point.I mean, if you know it’s right, you know it’s right.Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.On the other hand…Shannen Doherty.It’s unfortunate, the second-guessing, but if you feel confident in your decision, it shouldn’t matter what other people say.

It’s great that it worked out for you — but if it’s a decision you feel happy and secure with, why defend it to me?

Dear Sars:

Last spring, I had a falling out with an old friend of mine. She married a man I never really liked, but tried very hard to get along with, for both her sake and mine. I knew if I wanted to be in her life, and to support her, I would have to be pleasant and more than just merely “tolerant.” That is, I tried to be his friend, as well as hers. While his racist and homophobic attitude would sometimes surface, I would try not to fly off the handle. Then, my good friend began telling racist and homophobic jokes, and I began to wonder who my friend really was. I would say, “Please don’t tell jokes like that in my presence. I don’t find them funny,” but that didn’t seem to have much of an impact.

Finally, my friend directed me (and other friends) to a website connected to her husband’s band. The band’s mascot was a black lawn jockey — a sight that left me both shocked and befuddled. Did they really not know the connotations of that symbol? Really? So, I took a few weeks, wondering whether I should say something. I decided to write an email (with a carefully considered conciliatory tone) to the man hosting the web site. I tried to open up a dialogue about the issue I had. However, I never heard from him. Instead, I received a scathing email from my friend, hence the falling out.

Now, months later, I wonder if I should contact my old friend. I know I’ve painted an unflattering picture, but the times we have shared will always mean a lot to me. So, should I send a card? Have I been overbearing in my “political correctness” (a term I absolutely loathe)? Did I handle the situation badly in the first place? Isn’t friendship worth a try? Or is it time to move on?

Thanks,
Torn

Dear Torn,

Let’s review here.Your friend has become a mouthpiece for racist, homophobic views.(Or perhaps she always held those views, and the guy she married just encouraged her to express them more openly.Birds of a feather flock together, don’t you know.)You asked her to tone it down with that shit around you; she didn’t.You expressed concern about the lawn jockey and tried to “open up a dialogue”; she stepped in when you hadn’t even addressed her and shot you down.

Sure, friendship is “worth a try,” but friendship is also based on having common interests and beliefs.You don’t have to agree on everything, obviously, but this isn’t a difference of opinion about boy bands.She’s a bigot.

It’s fine to value the friendship you had in the past, but it’s in the past.The two of you no longer have the same values.Move on.

Sars,

I’ve never even considered writing a stranger for advice. I’m not the “Dear Abby” type by any means. So please take this letter as a deep compliment about the quality of advice that you have written. I’m a big fan of the TN site and your writing.

I’m in my thirties, divorced, reasonably well-adjusted, and reasonably attractive. I spent about a year and half after the divorce just enjoying being single. But about five months ago I started dating again. It was harder meeting people than it was in college, but after a couple of false starts I met someone I really cared about.

We hit it off instantly. We went from our first meeting to serious relationship in about two weeks. We saw each other every day for the first month or so. That month was probably one of the happiest times of my life. She’s the nicest person that I’ve ever been physically attracted to. We like doing the same things. I get along with her friends and family. Hell, even her cat loves me.

But, of course, something had to go wrong. In my case, it was her ex-boyfriend. Even though they broke up six months ago, there are still a lot of unresolved feelings between them. He is still madly in love with her. And even though she feels that the relationship is completely over, she feels a lot of guilt over his inability to move on. She quite obviously still cares about him, just not in “that way.” So about three months into our relationship, she wigs out. She tries to break up with me, but does a poor job of it. It’s the only time that I’ve had “the break-up talk” end with a goodnight kiss.

I can tell that she’s still attracted to me. She still loves me, by her own admission. She hasn’t asked for her stuff back, even my key to her apartment. I can tell every time she sees me that she is in a quandary about whether to get back together with me. I think the seriousness of our relationship was putting salt in the wounds of her break-up with her ex. (Just to be clear about the situation, she has never gotten back with her ex. I’m also certain that she hasn’t been seeing anyone else.)

So I’m stuck in limbo. She gives me just enough encouragement to keep me from giving up, but I don’t get to date her or have a normal relationship with her. I still write or call her every week or so, but I’m trying to avoid putting too much pressure on her. My original theory was that if I gave her a little bit of space to resolve these feelings, that we would be back together in no time. But a “little bit of time” has dragged on to become a month an a half. Now it’s just awkward.

I want to give her an ultimatum. I want to say “get over it or you lose your chances with me forever.” I want to go over to her house and plead with her. But at best that would pressure her into something she’s not ready for, and at worst I would look like a desperate stalker. I suppose that the best thing to do would be for me to just move on, but she is worth my every attempt to stay together. Nevertheless, I’m nearing the end of my rope. I deserve a real relationship, not this half-dead zombie of a relationship. I’m not expecting everything to be the way it was before, but the status quo is intolerable.

But how long is too long to wait? Will the awkwardness of the situation prevent me from ever restoring a real relationship? I’m hoping that you will know the magic words to make everything better, but I’ll settle for some decent advice or a smack upside the head.

In Limbo

Dear Limbo,

Well, you really care for her, and it doesn’t sound like she’s deliberately trying to hurt you.

But.

It’s time to face the uglier facts here.She doesn’t want to hurt you…but she’s hurting you.She’s in “a quandary” about getting back together with you…but she hasn’t gotten back together with you.She loves you…but she’s not with you.Actions speak louder than words, and her actions speak volumes.You could give her an ultimatum, I suppose, but she’s had plenty of time to decide what to do, and really, she’s already decided.

I don’t doubt that she’s a lovely person in many ways, and I know it’s difficult to accept, but she’s fucked up, and it’s just not going to happen — not with her, not now.Give her keys back to her, tell her you’re done, and end it.

[10/19/01]

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