The Vine: October 19, 2011
A few background items first (they do not sound related to each other at first glance, but they all contribute to the situation):
I am in my late 20s and live a couple hours away from my parents. I love my parents very much — they are kind, caring, and a lot of other great qualities that make me know I am VERY blessed. They have never been the best housekeepers or the neatest people in the world, however (probably partially due to trying to raise a large number of close-in-age children in a rather small house).
My father was diagnosed last year with an illness that may or may not be life-limiting within the next few years, and, well, both of my parents are getting older anyway, and I know from experience that it’s always good to spend as much time with the people you love while you can.
About a year and a half ago, I had a bad experience dealing with bedbugs at an old apartment (typing the word still makes me shudder) and have since trashed or debugged all of my stuff and moved to a new place and embraced a rather minimalist and paranoid lifestyle.
I also have a pretty much lifelong, extreme phobia of roaches (another word that makes me shudder to type).
One of my younger siblings (call her “Andrea”) had a chaotic past several years of moving in and out of different people’s houses and occasionally crashing at my parents’ place, just dropping whatever she had there and never washing/cleaning/throwing away any of it. She is no longer welcome there due to a lot of issues that are not relevant, but she left a lot of her stuff there.
So, the story/concern.
First off, I think it was about two years ago (so before I knew or cared about bedbugs), I was home for a few days and was about to go to sleep in the living room when I saw, well, more than one roach on the ceiling. That wasn’t the first time I saw them at the house but that was, I think, the most I’d seen. I was able to kill them but was rather mentally on guard the rest of my stay. (I do realize how silly it sounds to be that way over these bugs, but it’s a phobia that I just can’t explain.)
Then, 2009-2010 I dealt with the nasty bedbugs. My parents were long-distance supportive (wanted to come help me but I didn’t want to spread my apartment-cooties) and I wouldn’t have gotten through it as sanely as I did without them.
The most recent part of the story: my parents have been cleaning out Andrea’s old room over the past several months; gotten rid of several large trash-bags worth of “stuff.” When they first started doing it, Mom mentioned that she and my dad felt they were getting “bitten” in that room and set off a bug bomb (not, of course, the best treatment for bedbugs if that’s what they were, but they were thinking fleas for some reason). A couple weeks later I “casually” asked Mom about it over the phone, and she said that had seemed to solve the problem, and they never noticed any “bites” in any other rooms in the house, including their bedroom, so I wasn’t too worried about it actually being bedbugs.
Several months have gone by since then; I’ve been home and actually in that room for a few minutes here and there; no one’s noticed any bites or bugs. But recently, I was on the phone with her as she was going through some other things in that room, and she was again saying she “felt like she was getting bitten.” I realize that could have been completely psychosomatic, but it made me nervous.
All of these things together have meant that it has gotten harder and harder for me to spend the night at their house. It’s gotten worse since I had, and then got rid of, the bedbugs, and I don’t want them or any other bugs (pest-wise) back. Cold weather seems “safer” somehow (here in the South, and I guess everywhere, bugs of all kinds make more of an appearance in the summertime), and I did stay a few days at Christmas. I had gotten myself psyched up to go again in a few weeks, and had told my parents I would come for a certain weekend, but then had that recent conversation with my mom about possibly getting bitten in Andrea’s room again and got anxious again. But I DON’T want to cancel on them.
I haven’t told my parents anything about the extent of my anxiety over this, and while I’ve gone for one-day trips, that’s pretty much been it for a while, other than Christmas. They did visit me for a couple days a few months ago, and while I was utterly paranoid during and afterwards in case they brought some “guests,” they hadn’t and it was quite a good time having them here. But it’s a lot harder for them to travel than it is for me. They really want to see me, and I also want to spend more time with them; they are as I said amazing people and I miss them. I’m pretty sure I’d hurt their feelings if I mention anything about bugs to them. While they are very understanding about my weird neuroses re: using giant Ziploc bags for suitcases, etc. post-bedbugs (I know, I know!), the cleanliness of their house has always been a touchy subject, particularly with my mother.
And I know they want us to use that bedroom once it’s cleaned out; they have mentioned several times how they “hate” that people have to sleep in the living room when they come to stay (which none of us really mind). But it’s going to take a lot for me to stay in that room without thinking constantly “bugs bugs bugs BUGS!!” And now that I’m thinking about THOSE potential bugs, it’s gotten my mind again on the track of “you’re gonna see roaches there too.”
I guess I need a question for you, after this endless letter. I guess it is — how do I move past this phobia of encountering bugs and possibly bringing them back to my place, so that I can spend more than a day at a time with my wonderful parents? I’m always paranoid with travel since the bed bugs, and have actually cut down quite a bit, but this is my parents and I need to find a solution. Especially since when I read this letter over, it seems so petty and shameful and selfish. Should I just suck it up and go, sleep in the living room, trying not to look at the ceiling, and keep everything in a Ziploc bag in my car, and not drive anyone anywhere while I’m there, and take a shower right before I leave? (I know, I know, I told you I’m paranoid.) Should I say anything to my parents about all this? Or is there another solution I’m not thinking of?
Thanks for listening and I hope I didn’t make your skin crawl too much.
Bugsy
Dear Ms. Malone,
I had a whole paragraph planned about how at least you admit the phobia is irrational, but…it isn’t, really. It’s perfectly rational. Dealing with a bedbug infestation is a horrendous (and protracted) process, and while I’ve never faced it personally — knocking wood here — everyone I know who has is permanently scarred by the experience. I don’t get petty or selfish from your letter at all; your anxiety is totally understandable.
But, like anxieties and phobias can sometimes do, it’s gotten out of control and started to interfere with your life and your relationships. Sometimes these things start from a place of appropriate caution and aversion, but then become an algae bloom of compulsive behavior, and it sounds like that’s where you’re at right now.
So! Two-pronged approach. First, get some help. Many many therapists specialize in cognitive-behavioral courses that can help you confront and manage your insect issues. Maybe it’s a rubber band around the wrist, maybe it’s looking at pictures of roaches in your therapist’s office and (…sorry, but someone’s got to make these assy puns) bugging out in a safe space. I don’t know for sure how it would work, but it’s a temporary thing, and your insurance will probably cover it. Check your local listings and research it on Yelp, or ask a friend who’s done it before (maybe the readers can help, if you don’t mind getting specific about your location). Again, it doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It means you need a neural reset. Psychologists see it constantly. Call around and find a counselor who’s a good fit.
That could take a little time, though, so in the meantime, just speak to your parents honestly; tell them what I just said to you, that it’s a mild obsession and you’re going to a counselor about it, but in the meantime, you don’t want them to get offended by the resulting behavior. You just have a hypersensitivity with the insect action right now, and you look forward to not caring that much in the future, but for the time being, could they just hand you that roach hotel for you to stash in your pants kthxbai.
They remember what you went through with the bedbugs; they should have some compassion for you based on that, so if it smoothes things over emotionally, blame everything on the bedbug experience, and leave their housekeeping (or your sister’s creepy-crawly stuff) out of it entirely if you can. But I’d try being straight with them: you can’t stop freaking about bugs, it’s not just them, you don’t want it to come between (“among”?) y’all, and you’re working on it…you appreciate their support.
But…give yourself a break. The bedbug thing is a trauma; this is the PTSD. Give yourself permission to call it serious, and then to deal with it. In six months, you’ll feel a lot better.
Tags: health and beauty the fam
I bet if you brought your own sheets (and a casing for the mattress) and asked them to please set off a couple of bug bombs (which are effective for roaches) before you arrived it would feel a little more manageable? (Of course doing as Sars says and telling them “this is just my neurosis & I’m getting help, but for my peace of mind” when you ask, of course.)
And of course you could baggie up or even throw out those sheets when you’re gone.
In general, if you visit them and make an attempt to keep them unaware of your issues (talk about it only as much as necessary, don’t be obvious about the baggies) while allowing yourself a couple of “crazy” things like keeping them from your car, I think you can find a balance that will allow you to not dread the visit.
FWIW, I’m still traumatized by a flying roach that nearly dive-bombed me when I fell asleep on a couch while babysitting, and that was 25 years ago – damn bugs have a huge ability to upset psyches, and that’s all there is to it. Good luck with it all.
I once woke up in my significant other’s apartment to find myself covered with live termites. This is a thing to be legitimately freaked out about even in the long run; don’t beat yourself up.
Also, and I don’t want to sound like a shill for Big Pharma or anything, but perhaps some light anti-anxiety meds for during your visit?
@cmcl – uhm, what?! Please elaborate. Please. I’m horrified and fascinated.
Is staying in a hotel while in your parents’ area an option at all? (Again while putting it to your parents as an intermediate step for something you’re dealing with).
We’ve had some bedbug scares in my circle of friends lately, and I found this a really enlightening article about the possible overstatement about the transmissibility of bedbugs:
http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2011/10/bedbugs_how_contagious_are_they_really_.html
I don’t like bugs in the house; they have ALL of outside to hang out in, so I get where you’re coming from.
I agree with Sars advice that some exposure therapy might help. I lived in HI for about a year (where my husband is from), and unfortunately the amount of bugs there has nothing to do with cleanliness and everything to do with being a tropical island. YMMV, of course, and I’m not all cool with bugs inside now, but I do think it could lessen the degree of your freaking out.
I will save my best freaky bug story for another time. Don’t want to add fuel to the fire!
Oops, just realized that my comment could be read two ways. I mean, of course move to HI for your exposure therapy if you like, it’s wonderful there! But pictures in a good therapist’s office would work too. :)
Oh aack gag @cmcl. I think I just developed a phobia. You must have some world-class coping techniques.
Termites? Ohmygodohmygod, I thought that giant spider that took up residence in our bathroom for three days was bad (We named him “Clive”) but COVERED IN TERMITES NO NO NO NO.
As for the bedbugs, you’re not paranoid. I mean you are a bit in the fact that the paranoia is now making it hard to enjoy your parents, but it’s not like bedbugs are imaginary. They are little tiny bits of pure evil, is what THEY are.
You don’t say anything about your parents having hoarding tendencies or being really sensitive or defensive about it, so just call or email them with a relaxed “here’s the deal, here’s what I’m doing” list, and have a conversation with them. It’s perfectly possible to be rational about semi-“irrational” fears.
Your employer may have an employee assistance program where you get a few free [confidential] counseling sessions, which might be a good starting point. With my job there’s an 800 number you call and they refer you to a local therapist that participates in the program. The only thing your employer knows is how many people use the program; they’re not told that you specifically are using it.
Based on your experience with bedbugs, would they have spread beyond that room by now? Would it help you to help your mom clean that room out so you can reassure yourself – just so you know what’s really in there? Seems like part of the anxiety could be from the uncertainty about what you’ll find, so maybe that would help you have a little control over the situation.
Good luck to you!!!
Growing up in New Zealand, which is relatively free of freaky pests and critters, I never understood being scared of bugs. However, a trip to Brisbane in Australia back in the late 90s permanently scarred me on the subject of roaches. I was staying in some university accommodation and on the first night I blithely switched on the light to my room and recoiled in horror as numerous cockroaches scuttled out of sight. Could not sleep for several nights and even now the thought of it gives me the heebie jeebies.
Then there’s my highly irrational phobia of capybaras, which is based entirely on seeing them in a documentary and basically deciding they are disturbing. I’ve yet to see them in the flesh. Probably not so terrifying.
Never had to deal with bedbugs, but based on how freaking paranoid our cat’s flea infestation made me, I can totally relate (it only took a long weekend to get rid of said fleas from our environment at the time, but I was steam cleaning upholstery whenever our kitty would give himself an ear scritch for six months after the fact). Agree with all advice already given: come clean to mom and dad, insofar as this being a phobia you developed due to your harrowing experience getting rid of bedbugs. If mom says “But honey, you have nothing to fear from sleeping over”, you can reply “Part of me knows that, mom. But another part fears sleeping pretty much anywhere other than my own vacuum bag sealed mattress, and my own meticulously clean apartment. I know it’s not rational, but it’s there. It’s that part that I’m asking you to put up with until I can find a way to make it go away.”
For those who are (for…some reason) curious about my termite story, here are a few more details: I once moved to a large southern city in the U.S. (rhymes with Blue More Jeans), and the termites were swarming that year, particularly in the very famous, very old part of town that my SO and I were living in. My SO, in fact, had an apartment in a building that was not at all well-maintained. I spent the night there occasionally in spite of it not being a great place, because it was close to my work and sometimes I was too worn out to walk all the way home (no car).
One night I woke up to a very unpleasant, very moving surprise, and never spent the night there again.
I’ve never been a huge fan of bugs, but ever since that incident I’ve had a much more visceral response to them — but over the years, so many other much worse things have happened to me that it’s become somewhat dimmer on the “memories that make me sleep with one eye open” spectrum. I’ve gradually come to the place where as long as they aren’t actually on me, I can hold it together, and even photograph them if they’re mugging for the camera.
Full disclosure: I am medicated (for other reasons) and I’m sure the meds have helped me be less reactive to this and other GETITOFFMEGETITOFFMEGETITOFFMEGETITOFFME situations, which is why I do think some light meds for Bugsy’s home visit might be helpful, if that’s an option.
Aren’t there mattress-bag-things, like a cover that you put over your mattress and seal, and it helps prevent bedbugs because it’s airtight, and so bugs can’t live in mattresses? If such a thing exists (as I was once told) maybe you could be like, “SURPRISE! I got you a present! Mattress bags for all the mattresses in your house! I’m buying them for everyone I know who owns a mattress because my experience was so terrible and I want to prevent all the people I love from ever having to go through that!”
I lived in New Orleans for 7 years and as soon as the temperature went above 80 degrees the roaches came out of their winter hiding. It didn’t matter how clean your house was, there were roaches. I myself became EXTREMELY paranoid after finding at least on roach daily for a few weeks, and began keeping multiple bug sprays around the house and spraying as soon as I walked in. I wasn’t crazy… I had some evidence to back up my phobia but it did get out of control for a bit. Then I moved to Boston and never saw a roach… it’s lovely. However, Boston DOES have bed bugs… one of my friends recently dealt with them and it was seriously traumatic for her, so I am not surprised you’re feeling similarly traumatized.
In terms of WHAT to do… I agree with Sars to get some exposure therapy and have an honest conversation with your parents. As you said, they live in the South so it’s not about cleanliness in their house. The itchiness they feel is probably dust gathering in your sister’s stuff. You do not want to feed into your obsessions with compulsive behaviors like bringing your own sheets or anything like that. Basically you don’t want to do anything that fuels the phobia since you’ll be re-aligning your neurons even further by avoiding what you’re afraid of (this can be how OCD forms, instead of a specific phobia).
Good luck and I am sure your parents will be wonderfully supportive!
If your mom is mentioning feeling bites, it sounds like she may be a little paranoid, too. Would your parents be offended if you had their house checked for bedbugs? It might offer all of you some piece of mind. Don’t they have bedbug sniffing dogs? You could offer to pay for a visit from one.
I just want to say I feel you on the roach phobia. Irrational but STRONG. I can deal with the teeny tiny ones but those big mofos? Oh HELL no. It’s an instinctive reaction of scream & run. Spiders, on the other hand? Big ones will startle me, but even those don’t freak me out at all and we can happily co-exist. But ROACHES OH MY GOD.
@Bugsy – first, ((hugs)) Bugs are a pain in the ass, and they will eat your psyche. I’ll second Sars’s rec for some CBT-oriented help.
A few other resources to consider:
Buddha’s Brain: Practical Neuroscience (teaches you about how your brain reacts, why, and how to modulate that using your physical responses… one of the best books I have used for coping with / overcoming anxiety) http://amzn.to/r8dfuf
L-Theanine: A GABA precursor that works to affect the alpha wave production in your brain, causing a calming effect (it’s a derivative of green tea) http://amzn.to/pP3I7N http://bit.ly/qScupL
I second the vote for having their house checked. And, again, (especially if you can manage to pay for it yourself) you can spin it as “I know it’s irrational, it’s this problem I’m working on, just let me have this guy check and I’m sure he’ll find it’s fine and that will put my mind at ease and then I can enjoy a visit with you calmly.”
Two things: I work for a very large public housing authority, and my specific job involves disability issues. We periodically get bedbug infestations in our buildings, and we work with a lot of folks who are having essentially post-traumatic reactions to the infestations. You’re not alone, and your reaction is not unusual or abnormal under the circumstances. Also: I am really sorry you had to deal with that. Hateful little creatures, bedbugs.
Two, not that this is the same at all, in terms of perniciousness, but I once had an infestation of stink bugs in an apartment – they came in the bedroom window and were just F-ING EVERYWHERE. The morning I opened up the closet to find one running sprints on the arm of a suit jacket was the last time I slept in my bedroom for about six weeks. I reached a point where I really thought I might die of panic or fright or exhaustion if I found another one in the house, and then someone convinced me to go to therapy. I totally felt like they were minimizing my horror, like, stink bugs are HYUOOOOGE (ok, not really that huge, maybe, but still quite large) and horrible and pesticides don’t kill them and they’ll crawl into your pockets and piles of clean laundry and whatnot, but when I finally actually called the doctor it turned out that in the end it was not about the bugs, but about needing to feel in control of my environment and once I started to deal with that, I calmed down some. I’m not saying this is true for you, but on some level it may be less about the bugs and more about something else. My point: I feel you, and your reaction is both normal, and something that a good therapist can totally help you work through.
And a third thing: sometimes digging through dusty stuff can irritate your skin such that it feels like you’re getting bitten. I’m not saying your mom’s *not* getting bitten, but it may be that it’s more of contact dermatitis situation than actual bites. Checking yourself for infestation or having a professional come to the house might help you feel better; I know from experience that that can cut both ways, though – sometimes it just feeds your fear.
Okay, I may be thick but I don’t get it. Why not just offer to pay for an exterminator to visit your parents (at least some will offer an inspection visit for free or a nominal sum) and see if they can find out what is biting them? You know “Hey I notice you guys say you are getting bitten, wonder if it’s something Andra tracked in, and *TA DA* your present for Christmas is a $100 Coupon with WeKillEverythingThatMovesIncorporated”.
Many things can bite you (I could tell you a thing or two about bird mites you probably don’t want to know) and quite a few are easily treated for. Maybe they really do have fleas. Maybe they have the kind of ants that bite. I mean, why not just try and find out?
My sister had bed bugs a few years back. She had to toss everything! When she moved into a new apartment, she was able to fit all her worldly possessions into one laundry basket. She said that was the hardest part; She was 40 years old and everything she owned fit in that one basket.
the cleanliness of their house has always been a touchy subject, particularly with my mother
That’s why not. She’s afraid her mother will take it as a criticism. And not for nothing, but mentioning Andrea isn’t a great call either. She seems like the elephant in the room in ways only tangential to the letter, but if Bugsy is at pains not to get into her whole backstory here, I’m thinking a sniffy “oh I’ll just clean up what Andrea befouled” is maybe not the best idea.
I mean, I agree with you. Calling an exterminator is the best idea. The trick is to make her parents think it was THEIR idea so it doesn’t turn into A Whole Thing.
Bedbug bites are actually pretty easy to recognize. Does your mom or dad have any actual bite marks on their skin? (Of course, there could be some other bug biting them too). Also, I’m pretty sure if the bedbugs were there at all, they’d have travelled beyond just the one room.
Regardless, I second the staying in the hotel option. The aggro is not worth it-and you can always frame it in terms of making everyone more comfortable, and not mention the bug issue at all. Hopefully, your parents are not really motivated to clean out the other bedroom, so you can keep using this excuse indefinitely.
Vaguely related tangent:
I lived in a southern state where the roaches were given the somewhat less horrific moniker of “palmetto bugs”. Those suckers were huge! They were also everywhere, including my apartment. When I walked into my new place and flipped the lights on for the first time, I’ll bet 20 of the suckers scattered. Once I actually moved in, I never saw a single one. My cat, however, suddenly required less food.
I love my cat. Good kitty.
Would it be possible for you to stay at a hotel until you work this through with a therapist? I don’t know if that is feasible logistically or financially, but at least it would allow you to hang out with your parents without having to sleep there or keep your clothes there.
@Jennie – I HATE those stink bugs. God. I actually hate all bugs that live in my house and I hate that we have some bugs b/c they eat the other bugs that we have. I’m trying not to pass on my fear to my kids so I’m (usually) able to get the vacuum and use the 8ft extender to suck them up while quietly whimpering. But if I had an infestation of bugs, I’d move. Not helpful to the OP, I realize.
I..would burn the place down if I saw bedbugs. I don’t think you’re selfish, petty, crazy, anxiety ridden etc etc.
I mean, freaking out over a spider? Well, that’s a little much. But bedbugs and roaches?
I can’t even…(((shudder)))))
petalfrog says: However, Boston DOES have bed bugs…
….runs screaming.
Dear Bugsy,
I agree that some anxiety meds might be a good short-term solution. I read an article recently that showed that people with “low-level” trauma often experience longer-term after-effects because the outpouring of support that a bigger trauma receives is not present. And, from personal experience, bedbugs is a trauma, even though when it’s over it feels like it shouldn’t have been such a big deal. I also wanted to share the thing that made bugs manageable for me, in hopes that it helps.
I manage the dormitories for a boarding school, and like many, many institutions in the past few years, we had bedbugs last fall. We spent MONTHS and over $100,000 with 4 different exterminators trying every treatment in the world. Added to the biting, itching, etc. was the student and parent complaints and the feeling that we would never be free of this problem. I thought I was going to go insane; tried to resign from my job but how would they replace me? Who wants to manage bedbug-land?
But, we found 2 things that worked so well, so quickly, and so easily that I have been sharing them as widely as possible. I know it sounds like I work for the company but I don’t. It’s just that the amount of anxiety and mental duress that we experienced was almost unbearable after a while.
The first was a good treatment company that did super-heating. We did not have to throw away ANYTHING, which made the cost of the treatment well worth it. Although this is may not be an option for your parents’ house, because it might feel like a criticism, it might be relieving to you to know that the nightmare doesn’t have to repeated even if you were to get the dreaded BBs again.
The second thing, though, might help. I wanted to make sure you knew about is the at-home suitcase heating device. We use this now to heat students’ bags when they return from breaks to make sure they do not bring bugs to school with them. You just put your whole suitcase inside the heater and the contents along with the bag itself are safe. This little gizmo is what allows me to sleep at night. While I think you should probably deal with the irrational parts of your fears, as well, this device saved both my sanity and my job so I wanted to share it with everyone.
Karen says:
October 20, 2011 at 10:17 AM
petalfrog says: However, Boston DOES have bed bugs…
….runs screaming.
—
Not everywhere, really just in the areas with the highest concentrations of college students (like Allston.) It is however why the cops put bed bug warning stickers on discarded furniture during moving season. Generally it’s a good idea to never take discarded furniture home with you, you just never know. I’ve been lucky. I lived in Allston for three years and got nothing beyond the occasional earwig or spider.
MelPo — I have not yet had bedbugs or known anyone who has (knock wood), but I am bookmarking that gizmo right now, in case I ever need to find it again!
And let me tell you — Boston does so have roaches. Not long after moving here, we went through a roach infestation in the apt we had. Apt buildings are just so vulnerable to new tenants bringing in pests. It took like a year before we managed to get rid of them, and it was a huge undertaking because we couldn’t just treat OUR apt, we had to get our slumlord to treat ALL the apts in the building. Boy, did we learn a lot about Tenants Rights at that time!
While this will not be the most comforting thing to hear — I have to second the notion that it’s not just bedbugs or fleas that bite.
One thing to consider is house centipedes (we call them “thousand-leggers”). Very common, and the babies can be very small. They can bite. Although, to be honest, I would be very surprised if someone were unaware of them.
But even moreso — and this is specifically in reference to your parents’ experiences cleaning out your sister’s belongings — baby spiders are often truly miniscule, yet they can cause small itching bites. Maybe the sister’s stuff had spider eggs in it, which hatched? Obviously this is not a GREAT option. But it’s better than the bedbug option, since hatchling spiders move out.
I now live in an apt in a not-that-well-maintained building that is so permeable to various bugs from the basement and from the outside that I have simply given up worrying about it. (I refer to our laundry area as Six Flags over Spiders, because it is a spider wonderland.) There are certain times of the year, when the spider babies hatch, that I can wake up in the morning and find that I’ve been bitten a few times in the night, usually on my arms and legs, and I am pretty sure it’s either tiny-spider bites or else tiny-thousand-legger bites.
Why am I not a quivering ball in the corner? I can’t explain it. I was actually way more bug-phobic when younger, and I am still extremely NOT FOND of a really wide variety of bugs, but I guess at some point I just gave up, in my brain. I also know (reflecting what someone said above) that it’s really kind of a control thing. So I can deal with bugs if I can keep them in sight at all times. I don’t like being surprised by them. But I’ve accepted that there is absolutely nothing that I can do about hatchling spiders getting into my house and using my bed as a highway in the night, so ehn.
At least it is not swarms of termites! *shudder* Or swarms of anything. NO SWARMING.
(Actually the only swarming inside bugs I’ve ever experienced were, oddly enough, ladybugs.)
But, just to prove I still have My Issues: by complete coincidence, without having yet even read this column — this morning, I woke myself up from a dream in which an extremely pretty but very large and flying beetle was crawling in front of me and then tried to fly away and went *bonk* and fell down my neck and down the front of my shirt. I’m going to assume it was occasioned by something NOT A BUG tickling my neck, like the edge of my pillow. Yeeg.
All of that said? I am desperately afraid of getting bedbugs. Because all of the bugs mentioned above are ephemeral and not particularly harmful. I know that what I dread about the idea of bedbugs isn’t just the bugs themselves, but the long-term effort and hassle and expense they would cause me trying to recover from them. It’s almost the same dread I have of my place burning down in my absence and losing everything.
Even if the bedbugs are gone, staying in a home known to have roaches wouldn’t be acceptable to me. I’ve lived in Texas, Florida, and South Carolina, so I know that roaches are very common in the South; I just choose to stay places that use pest control (and proper housekeeping) to minimize how many come inside. Surely over Christmas it would be easier on your mom to have one less house guest. And, p.s. Bugsy, it should be your holiday too, not a time to challenge your PTSD.
My sister and I are so phobic about bugs!!! Thank goodness I date an exterminator. Cannot drive a car that has a bug in it. That’s just a recipe for an crash. Bugsy, I think you are brave for even considering it!
HollyH–I’m betting you got swarmed by those annoying Asian ladybugs. They are all over the freaking place when they’re out, undulating en masse along any sunny window.
I’m not all that creeped out by them, fortunately, but that many of *anything* is a little offputting.
Bugsy here. Very surprised to start reading The Vine today and then realize with a shock it was MY letter, haha.
Thank you all so much for the advice. Since I sent the letter, I have visited a couple of times, just for one or two nights. They did manage to get that room cleaned out and redone and it looks pretty nice. I did actually stay in that room, not going in there until I was really sleepy helped me sleep, and using my ziploc and hot laundry protocol after coming home (like I do pretty much any time I travel). No bites or anything while there or afterward; I am thinking it may have been the dust etc. kicked up from cleaning that room. As for roaches, didn’t see a single one although I was paranoid the entire time.
I didn’t actually talk to my parents about it yet. Just continued following my “protocols” and did a lot of inspecting the room every time I visited. But thank you for all the suggestions on how to approach the subject with them, it’s something I need to explain and tell them so they don’t think it’s them.
As for the therapy, I AGREE. It’s hard to figure out where to start but I do realize I need to make it a priority. Time has helped the paranoia get better, but at any little hint that anyone I know might have bed bugs, or I might have to travel somewhere, stay in a hotel, whatever- I get immediate ramped-up anxiety again. And I still don’t visit my parents as much as used to. I live in Tennessee if that helps anyone with any specific suggestions.
To MelPo- that sounds a lot more of a headache than what I went through- an entire dorm!! I actually do own one of those suitcase-heater things and it was a major factor in escaping the bugs originally and is something that does help after travel as well. I wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone I know (including all of you lovely TN readers), whether you/they currently have bed bugs or never have or even don’t know what they are. So worth it. It works on just about anything that will fit in it, definitely not just suitcases. (I used it most for my books/papers.)
This place is awesome. Thank you all so much for your responses, wish I could respond to each one individually. I was feeling like a complete loser and so stupid for even being worried or upset about this. For having some stupid little bugs make my life miserable for much longer than they should. You make me feel like I’m not crazy- like I might actually be normal! And give me lots of good practical suggestions to come back to.
(and those who shared their own bug horror stories thanks for helping me sleep tonight ;p Oh my goodness, swarming termites OH MY GOODNESS!!!)
..also, the publication of this was perfect timing, as I leave later today for a weekend “relaxing” in a cabin in the mountains with friends and the “bug anxiety” is starting up again as I plan ways to minimize exposure to anything that might be there. (I ought to buy stock in Ziploc and 90% rubbing alcohol.)
Your suggestions definitely help. I WILL have a good weekend. :)
Ever since I’ve been traveling more for work I’ve been preemptively paranoid about bringing bugs back home. It’s really awful, because from what I’ve read there’s no way to *really* tell whether bedbugs are present or not… some people get bitten, some people people don’t, some have bites… disclaimer, all this I’ve learned from various websites, so by all means do your own research.
First: when we recently got a new mattress I invested in one of these: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000VNR3SS I think they have them for pillows as well.
Second: for those who suggest staying in a hotel, prepared to be horrified: bedbugregistry.com/search/
Third point: MelPo beat me to it! They have those suitcase zappers, but I think basically they work by heat-killing the bedbugs. So if you’re not willing to drop the $300 now, you can bring maybe a duffel bag instead of a suitcase and zap the whole thing in the dryer as soon as you get home.
Final point: from what I’ve heard recently, the pesticides can be worse than the bugs themselves (e.g. http://healthland.time.com/2011/09/23/with-bed-bugs-the-cure-may-be-worse-than-the-disease/), especially if you’re a hippie, and may not even be completely effective, so I personally would consider it a last resort.
Also everything Sars said! But I found once I learned what to look for and the proper precautions to take, I feel a lot better about traveling. Ounce of prevention, etc, etc. And knock on wood that none of us get them/again! Good luck!
It’s a bit late to mention this, but giantmicrobes.com has a plush toy bedbug. I think it might be therapeutically helpful to have one you can cuddle and poke and abuse a little and it won’t mind.
I bought one for my parents after they dealt with their own bedbug problem. Mum says she was highly amused…
J.
You have lots of good advice above, but the main things that strike me are that if bedbugs are as expensive to get rid of as it seems from the letters, you’re not even being neurotic.
If you were travelling into a country with either malaria or mosquitos all travel advice would tell you to carry out the same level of detailed procedures as you are carrying out at your parents house – and no-one thinks that requires counselling.
The carefulness seems perfectly rational. The only reason to even change anything is that if you found a way to get your parents to do a more thorough cleaning, without offending them, you would all be better protected.
@cmcl: All you had to say was “New Orleans”…*shudder*
(I love NO but my family’s all from there and I have had many, many childhood bug trauma stories. Apparently insects also find it to be the Big Easy. And the roaches fly.)
As for the original question, I agree 100% with Sarah’s advice. They shouldn’t take it personally if you phrase it as YOUR trauma you’re working on, and then actually…do. For yourself. Cutting down on travel? Afraid to go see your family? I’m fairly sure the phobia causing all of that is something you’d like out of your life.
NZErin, I’m also a Kiwi and had never seen a roach until I went on holiday to South Africa – there are, a lot of them on the Kwazulu-Natal coast. And now I’ve moved home and am living in Auckland for the first time… turns out that there are a lot of them here, too.
My usual response (in SA on holiday, anyway) was to scream at the sight of them and force my husband to empty a can of bug spray on their creepy little arses, but these days I operate a catch and release policy and throw them on the road outside, hopeful that somebody will run them over. And I’m able to catch them with a jar over the top and a piece of card underneath, without freaking out and having a panic attack. How, I have NO idea – I really do hate them!