Dear Sarah,

My apologies for the verbosity, but this will require some backstory. I graduated from college four years ago; my college best friend, Green, graduated a year later. Throughout college, Green experienced significant difficulty with all the language classes she took. Her response to these difficulties seemed to be to skip classes and refrain from doing homework. (I don’t mean for that to sound judgmental; it’s just how it looked to me.)

Her last semester in college, Green took her last language class, which she had to pass to graduate. She stopped going to class and doing homework, and failed the class. When we talked at the time, she didn’t go into much detail except to say that she hadn’t gone to class, she couldn’t do the work, and the prof really should have passed her anyway because maybe she had a learning disability. Having a lot of language experience, I really disagreed with her, saying that the prof should have passed her after she exerted very little effort, and I — very ill-advisedly, I realize — told her so. Also ill-advisedly, I told her that my father had conquered a severe case of dyslexia by working with my Nana, a special ed teacher, over one summer in elementary school. I know, I know, I suck, I’m insensitive.

Eventually, Green went through an evaluation process, and it came out that she had what she called a language-learning disability. This didn’t make sense to me — I mean, I got shitty grades in science classes from ninth grade on, but I wouldn’t say I have a science-learning disability. Anyway, again ill-advisedly, I told her I didn’t quite get the diagnosis. She explained it all to me, and finished by saying that our alma mater should have figured this out and exempted her from the language requirement. I completely disagreed with that; while I agreed that the school ideally would have noticed, I couldn’t figure out whose fault it was that no one had, since in a college environment, you just don’t have enough contact with individual professors that one of them would notice, or even with deans or administrators. And, again ill-advisedly, I told her that, too. (Yes, I know, you’re beginning to notice a pattern here.) I did agree that her situation sucked a lot, and that she should have had the language requirement waived at college, but I mostly faulted her elementary/middle/high schools for the missed diagnosis. At the end of the day, I thought we had agreed to disagree on the diagnosis issue.

Anyway, all that was three years ago. This year, I began to get very interested in employment and disability discrimination law, maybe even as a career. I’ve also been going to a lot of programs on how to get a public interest fellowship after graduation. Green came to visit me this past weekend, and we talked a lot about how I would be applying for fellowships to do this kind of law, blee bling blah. Over the weekend, she was kind of nasty to me a few times, and the last day she was here, I mentioned it to her.

Green then told me she had been really angry at me all weekend. The short version of our ninety-minute conversation was: she was pissed off that I was suddenly interested in disability law when three years ago I couldn’t be supportive of her problems, and that I could only change my mind through an academic structure; she was angry that I didn’t think our alma mater was at fault in her case; and she didn’t like that I still didn’t quite get what she was going through. She pulled out a list of diagnostic characteristics of “gifted dyslexics” (which I don’t doubt she is — I probably should have said this earlier, Green’s wicked smart) for me to read, but the list — with a few telling objections, like “class work does not measure up to level of competence in reading and conversing” — seemed to describe most gifted people I know (easily frustrated with own failings, some trouble with socializing, et cetera).

Green also gave me the evaluation that a neuropsychologist had prepared for her. The evaluation was immensely helpful for me to read — as a linguist, I could see why her disabilities would combine to make language learning at best a merry hell. So I told her that, and her response was that now she was angry that it took giving me this report for me get it. The comparison was, she has all these other friends who didn’t need to get it objectively to be emotionally supportive of her, and I sucked for not being emotionally supportive of her without the report explaining her problems to me.

I understand that I was insensitive, and I feel awful about it; I also understand it must suck to have to explain objectively why you need accommodation to your best friend, especially three years after the fact. And while my need for objective explanations may be a personality defect, my understanding of friendships generally is that what distinguishes them from acquaintanceships (if that’s a word) is that you accept and love the friend with all her defects and warts and all.

Basically, it comes down to this: I can apologize for my behavior, which I have, but that doesn’t help, because, well, it doesn’t change how I acted. I can learn more about learning disabilities and how to get schools and universities more informed, but that’s hurtful, because I wasn’t interested when she was having trouble with it. Similarly, my interest in this as a discipline is also hurtful, because it just reinforces how awful I was three years ago and how I failed her then.

So, o wise one, my question for you: Am I completely insane to think that this was a bit unfair? And also, do you think it’s a good idea to bring this up with Green, or should I leave it the hell alone because it doesn’t seem to be fostering productive dialogue?

Yours,
Blue

Dear Blue,

Green is basically projecting her own inability to face difficulties productively onto you.Not that a learning disability isn’t immensely hard to deal with in an academic setting, because it is, but it is in fact doable, and Green didn’t do…anything, really, except feel sorry for herself and wait for someone to figure out that she shouldn’t have to work.But shrugging all “I can’t, so…I won’t” is not the best strategy there, and I don’t think you overstepped your bounds as a friend by pointing that out.

Folks with learning disabilities can get the extra help they need in classroom and testing situations — special office hours, longer test periods to give them more time to read their exams, that kind of thing — but said folks do actually have to get off their butts and arrange for that extra help.Green didn’t.Green is not proactive generally, it seems; she didn’t address her issues with you until you brought it up.

So, we’ve got a difference in style here — and I suspect we’ve got a difference in style regarding complaining, too.Complaining comes in two flavors: “I want to vent,” and “I want solutions.”It sounds like she ordered the first flavor, and you served her the second, which is understandable; you did want to help, and you tried to do so by asking a lot of questions so that you could understand what she had to do to fix the problem.But sometimes, venters can feel judged by fixers — they just want to bitch and moan and feel like someone’s got their back even though they’ve got big problems, and they can resent suggestions “well, have you tried XYZ?” because it makes them feel ineffectual and unheard and blah blah blah.

So, with that in mind, maybe you should tell Green, “Look, I really did want to help, and I’m really sorry if my way of doing that made you feel like I judged you; I think you and I react differently to these situations, and I don’t want a miscommunication like this to hurt our friendship or make you think I don’t care.”Don’t mention anything about her overreacting; just apologize and hope that that’s the end of it.

Dear Sars,

First year of university, I met a guy in one of my classes.Since we had
similar majors and
worked together on classes, we got to be decent friends.It took a
semester, but
eventually I realized that 1) he was a textbook example of an emotional
manipulator
(twisting his mistakes around to be my fault, never admitting to being
wrong, blaming me
for his problems, turning me into his babysitter, et cetera), and 2) despite what
he said, it wasn’t
just me and it wasn’t my fault.

Breaking off the friendship quietly by avoiding and ignoring him didn’t
work, so I told him in
so many words that I didn’t want to be around him, we weren’t friends, and
to leave me
alone.Period.No beating around the bush, no possibility of friendship,
and no excuses
for him to argue with (which, believe me, he would have).He tried
emailing me and
complaining to mutual friends about how hurt he was by my “irrational
behavior,” that I
was overreacting, wondering how I could do such a horrible thing to him,
and saying that,
if I “came to my senses,” he would find it in him to forgive me and we
could be friends
again.Blech.No.I was out of it, by god, and I wasn’t going back.

After a few months he gave up and I breathed a sigh of relief.

A few months after that I got a call from a friend; he was currently in her
room, had asked
her to call me, and was bringing up the same old subjects.He kept saying
that he missed
me, hoped she would put in a good word for him to “help overcome my
irrational anger
and stop hurting him,” that he still wanted to be friends, and requesting
that she help
convince me of how wrong I was.A quick call from me to her boyfriend the RA
dispatched the boyfriend to her room with an appropriate excuse, forcing
the guy to leave.

I was both furious and scared: furious that he would try to use my friend
to get to me in
such a way, and scared that anything he did could get me so angry.Not
wanting to deal
with him in person for fear of completely losing my temper, I emailed him
to reiterate that
we were not friends and that if he ever attempted to contact me again,
including through
my friends, I would report him to campus security.

And I meant it.It worked, too.

Fast-forward a year or two to the present, when I’m in grad
school.There’s a guy in my
program and class year I’m interested in and who I think is interested in
me, but we’re
taking it very slowly: friendly, mild flirting; nicknames; acute violation
of personal space;
hanging out, et cetera, but nothing yet beyond that.I think I’d like to try
something with my
classmate if that’s where we’re headed, but every now and then some minor
mannerism of
the classmate’s reminds me of the manipulative guy.It’s always something
vague, too: a
joke that sounds like something Mr. Manipulative would crack, a turn of
phrase, a way of
moving, or some such characteristic that were often good things about
Manipulative and
part of why we started out as friends (for the record, I never dated or was
even remotely
interested in Manipulative, but I also didn’t date much in general).

The
problem is that this
momentarily alarms me; it’s nothing major and I don’t visibly freak out or
anything, but it
brings back the anger and fear I felt, and the idea that Mr. Manipulative
still has the power
to evoke such a response makes it worse; I want to be able to spend time
with my classmate without worrying about bastards in my past.It doesn’t
happen too often, every few weeks
at most, but it makes me realize that I haven’t exorcized all my
demons.Do you have any
suggestions?And maybe some about how to deal with dating anxiety as
well?I love
where my life is right now and adore grad school, so I really want to get
past this.

Thanks for everything,
Wondering whether to exorcize my demons with a Ouija board or a sledgehammer

Dear Wondering,

Grab a pen and paper and list the tics and mannerisms of Classmate that remind you of Manipulative — all the ones you can remember.Once you’ve finished, look at the list.Do the reminders seem specific to you — specific to these two guys, pretty much?Or do they strike you as more general, the kind of thing any guy might do?

Because if the reminders seem more like general traits than like mannerisms particular to only a few people in the world, the problem isn’t Classmate.The problem is that you have come to see the world through Manipulative-colored glasses; the guy messed with your head to the point where you might see (and dread) him in any guy.And if that’s the case, you might want to head to a counselor for a few sessions and see what’s going on there — figure out how you can shake off Manipulative’s influence, learn breathing techniques to short-circuit your annoyance when Classmate (or anyone else) does something that recalls Manipulative.

Don’t beat yourself up for letting Manipulative get to you to that extent.Just see what’s really up with your reactions, and find a way not to have them any more.

Dear Sars,

My sister recently invited me to her wedding, which is
to be a vegetarian celebration.

When I was married several years ago, I instructed the
caterers to provide vegetarian alternatives to my
guests who do not eat meat.At the time it did not
occur to me to do anything else.They came, they ate,
we were all happy.

When I received my invitation to her wedding, I asked
my sister if she and her groom would be providing a
meat alternative, and she replied that she absolutely
would not do this, since meat-eating is disgusting.

I feel that by not providing a meat alternative, she is
making a bigger statement about the disgusting nature
of my eating habits, and it bothers me.

While staying with her in the past, she has refused to
allow me to bring leftovers home from a restaurant,
stating that she does not want meat in her house.I
am also not allowed to order meat toppings on a
delivered pizza, as the very existence of meat on my
pizza is offensive to her. I now get my own hotel room when visiting her, so this
is not a problem anymore, but is more an example of
her attitude toward those who eat meat.

I am wondering how to handle the many vegetarian
dinners surrounding the wedding. I understand that the
wedding dinner is hers to host and she can dictate
what kind of food is served, but for the rest of the
meals, am I being impolite to insist that we eat at places
that offer meat alternatives?

Should I just suck up and deal, since it is her
wedding, or is it okay to ask that we eat food I would
like too?In my non-sister life I tend to eat vastly
different food than she does, so this may be part of
the problem.I also feel that vegetarians (rightly)
expect meat-eaters to be understanding of the validity
of the vegetarian lifestyle, but (some) vegetarians do
not give the same consideration to their meat eating
brethren.

I know that you recently gave up the “disgusting”
meat, so any perspective you can give would be
appreciated.

Thanks,
I’ll have a steak

Dear Steak,

Generally speaking, yeah, your sister could stand to chill with the “fie, foul beef” business, but — it’s her wedding, and it’s one weekend.You might speak with her later about her attitude, namely that you don’t really need it, but now isn’t the time.Pack a few sticks of jerky and gut it out.

A-ight, so I have an issue.Kind of a minor one, but
whatev, it’s obnoxious.

I am 19 years old and I don’t drink.I know, right,
strange creature in this day and age, but I am totally
on board with my decision not to imbibe.I think it
is a winning choice.

The prob comes in that I don’t really have a reason
for my abstinence that I plan on revealing to the
general public (or even with close friends) any time
soon.I mean, I have reasons, but they’re my reasons,
and not really something I am in the mood to share
with a bunch of drunk kids at a bar who are trying to
fathom my
apparently unheard-of sobriety.

Oh, they just adore throwing darts at possible
explanations.It’s like their national pastime.Am
I worried about getting arrested?Did I get in a bad
drunk-driving accident?Did I lose a friend or family
member to alcohol?Am I a recovering alcoholic?And
so forth and so on.Like Johnnie Cochran with the
questions.

Truth of the matter is, I’ve never had a sip of
alcohol.I don’t intend to.I have no problem with
other peeps drinking.I have no problem getting
involved in alcohol-related hijinks while stone-cold
sober.I have no problem recapping the previous night
for friends who blacked out.Alcohol and people who
drink don’t offend me, scare me, bore me or annoy me.

This is for some reason beyond complicated for most
everyone else my age.My stock response to “Why don’t
you drink?” is “It’s just not my thing,” but this is
rarely, if ever, acceptable.”If you’ve never tried
it, how do you know it’s not your thing?” is the most
common rejoinder. (Hi, guess what, you’ve never tried
gay sex, shall I introduce you to some fabulous guys I
know?)

My current living situation has exacerbated things.I
am living in a house with 17 other people, whose ages
range from 18 to 28.All of them drink.The kid who
turned 18 three weeks ago drinks.The kid who’s been
ticketed for underage drinking six times drinks.It is
a world where Jaegermeister and MGD are consumed
more frequently than the tap water (although, tap
water…ew).

My temperance in this house is an absolutely baffling
concept.I’m not so much facing peer pressure (the
“c’mon, all the cool kids are doing it,” argument kind
of becomes self-mocking after about the sixth grade),
but it’s become a foregone conclusion that every time
alcohol is part of the evening (read, every day ending
in “Y”), someone will get it in their heads to work
out
the mystery of why I don’t drink.They get totally
ingenious, like, Dickensian with the incredibly
creative narratives and plot twists that might have
led to me deciding not to ever drink alcohol, and they
refuse to accept the simplest of responses, “it is
just not my thing.”

Add to this the wrinkle that several of my housemates
know of my past drug history, and this has apparently
thrown off all assumptions.Previously, it was taken
for granted by many that I didn’t drink because I
didn’t want to lose control.Now, knowing as they do
that I was pretty much out of fucking control for four
years on
every drug available to me, my sobriety makes that
much less sense.Because why drugs but not alcohol?
I have been told by two separate people, my closer
friends in the house, that the consensus is forming
among the majority of my housemates that I am lying to
everyone about why I don’t drink (’cause I would hide
an
alcoholic past, but not a drug addict past.Yeh,
that sounds right).

Honestly, I AM holding back information, but frankly,
it’s my information to hold back.My reasons for not
drinking remain mine.

Do I really owe these cats more than “it’s not my
thing”?Am I fanning the curiosity by not providing a
good enough response?Should I invent some convoluted
story of gin-and-sin to explain myself?I try not to
be the lame sober person around whom everyone feels
they have to tiptoe (’cause, seriously, they don’t
have to tiptoe.They can Riverdance if they want),
and I don’t want to stick out in the crowd, but I keep
getting stuck out anyway.

And also, what is the big honking deal with a college
kid who doesn’t drink?The weirdo looks I get when I
pass up free shots — I haven’t forsaken The Simpsons or
anything, jeez.It’s not that big of a tragedy.

Anyway, any advice about how to get these drunken,
inquisitive monkeys off my back would be aces.

Thanks lots.

Non-Alcoholic Anonymous

Dear NAA,

Either you can keep telling them that it’s just not your thing, repeat that phrase over and over, and stop caring what they think or whether they speculate outside your hearing…or you can just give them the real reason and put it to rest once and for all.

But pick a strategy and stick with it.I understand that you don’t want to explain yourself, but if you choose not to tell them what’s really up with your decision not to drink, you kind of have to accept that it’s going to make them curious, and to not get all annoyed with the questions every time.No, it’s not their business — just say so and get on with your day.

Dear Sars,

I hope you can help me with my problem. I know this
isn’t the kind of question you’re used to answering, but I think you can help.
Stick with me, because this is a bit long. Sorry.

My family has never been very religious. They’re not actively agnostic or
atheist; they just have never shown much interest in organized religion. I,
however, had a friend that took me to Christian camp with her when I was eleven,
and I decided to give my life to Christ.

Now my problem is this friend — we’ll call her “Devout.” I personally don’t
believe everything in the Bible. I’m Christian, yes. Yay God! But the Bible is
not something I choose to follow to the letter. I swear (perhaps more than I
should). I drink (not excessively). I’m not planning to wait for marriage for
sex (I’m fifteen). I’m not positive that all good people in the world who aren’t
dedicated to Jesus are going straight to hell. I think when I die, Jesus and
I are gonna sit around a campfire with all my gay friends. I suppose I’ve
developed my own little liberal sect of Christianity, but you know what? I’m happy
with it, I’m comfortable, and I really don’t think I’m going to hell in a
handbasket for these choices.

Devout, however, sees it differently. I try to rein in my swearing around
her, I don’t mention my drinking or sexual escapades, I bite my tongue when she
makes homophobic comments though I really do want to strangle her. She’s a good
friend, so I put up with it. I tolerate her strict beliefs, but she does not
tolerate mine. Devout makes rude comments about my homosexual friends. She
tells me that God is not happy with the choices I make. She tells me I can’t pick
and choose what I believe in the Bible. Devout is absolutely horrified that I
think people who aren’t Christian could end up in Heaven. She’s told me that
I might not go to Heaven, since I’m such a sinner and I don’t believe the
whole Bible and I think non-Jesus believers might end up in Heaven too.

And the problem is? I’m starting to doubt myself. I’m fifteen, so I’m not all
that secure in myself anyway, but when I’m constantly getting negative
feedback…I start wondering, what if she’s right? What if I am going to end up
pushing a boulder up hill for all eternity? This is really starting to affect me,
and I’m lying awake at night wondering if I died in a car accident tomorrow,
what’s going to happen to me?

So here’s my question: How do I handle Devout? Should I tell her to shut the
fuck up? Should I just put up with it, since I’m not the one with evidence to
back up my beliefs? Should I terminate the friendship, even though when she’s
not on a religious tirade she’s a really fun, great person to be around?

And am I in the wrong here? Have I completely convinced myself that my
religious choices are valid, and they’re not? I think, from reading some of your
essays and Vine replies, you’ve been to church and Sunday School and such, and I
never have, so you probably know more than me.

Please help, this is really eating me up.

Hellspawn?

Dear Spawn,

Your afterlife campfire sounds awesome and you have to hook me up with that.I’ll bring the marshmallows.

You respect Devout’s beliefs, so Devout should respect yours — and you should tell her so.”If you can’t stop busting on me for what I believe, we can’t hang out anymore.I don’t do that shit to you, and I don’t want you to do it to me anymore.”Mean it.Act on it.It’s not her place to tell you how to live or what to believe, and you can back that up with chapter and verse — starting with “judge not lest ye be judged,” the meaning of which seems to escape Devout entirely.

And speaking of that, just a quick sidebar here for the record: I know what the Bible says, and I know I should “respect” the beliefs of others, but the belief that homosexuality is wrong?Is wrong, and I won’t respect it, or anyone who holds it.Using the Bible to bolster your pre-existing prejudices is morally and intellectually corrupt.

Anyway.As for the second part of your question…I don’t know who’s right.Maybe the righteous-homophobe jackasses of the world really do have the inside track; I can’t imagine that that’s the case, but then, I can’t claim to begin to know God’s plan, either, for myself or anyone else.I don’t know who gets into heaven.I don’t think drinking and cursing have much to do with it, or not believing every word in the Bible, or who you sleep with and when; I think it’s about doing right by other people, or trying your best to, and bringing joy into the world.You’ve come a lot closer to doing that — keeping an open mind, sticking by a friend even though she’s bugging you — than Devout has, at least so far.

But the point is that that’s my belief, and I wouldn’t try to put it on you.In any case, don’t take the word of a spiritual midget who doesn’t get what “turn the other cheek” means.

[10/2/03]

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