Sarah,

I think your advice to Third Wheel about whether Adam should choose spending time with her over his sister doesn’t quite get to the heart of the matter.Any well-adjusted individual will have other friends, family and hobbies in his life, even when he’s in a deep relationship, because you can’t get everything you need from just one person.Now if Third Wheel really insists on being #1, she should mention it to Adam and if he disagrees, she has every right to leave him.At the same time, she should question why she’s so needy and insecure.

It’s definitely important to feel like you’re a priority in your SO’s life.But unless you’re married or long-term committed, I think it’s unreasonable to expect someone to make you their #1 priority.Even if Adam’s sister wasn’t in the way, his career would be an obstacle or his devotion to collecting Beanie Babies.And instead of resenting Anna, she should be glad that Adam has a positive relationship with a female relative, which probably makes him a better boyfriend.

Family First

Dear Family,

Sarah: Ironically, I had a sentence in the original draft of my answer about the fact that men with strong relationships with their sisters tend to make great boyfriends, which I cut because it didn’t seem germane.And I agree with your first point – that you can’t get everything you need from just one person, and that you shouldn’t try.But I don’t think that’s what Third Wheel wants from Adam; I think she wants him to grow up and make good on his commitment to her by agreeing to accompany her to the wedding.It’s not a big thing she’s asking, and that’s the point.I didn’t get the sense that Third Wheel wanted every minute of Adam’s day spent with her, or that she had a problem with his relationship with his sister per se, but it sounds like he’s listed her below his sister pretty consistently, and regardless of the “outside interests” argument, where I come from, that’s not how adults conduct relationships.

Sure, family should come first sometimes – but not all the time.Adam needs to cut the cord.It’s time.

Djb: Relationships fostered between siblings close in age can be a little daunting for someone outside the family looking in.It’s easy to feel threatened by someone who, by virtue of living situation, spends more time with your significant other than you do.But since the dynamic of every family is different, I would stop short of making presumptions that the needs of Third Wheel automatically trump promises he may have made to his sister.It would certainly raise my hackles if someone I had been with for a year were to cancel plans to attend the wedding, but according to Third Wheel’s letter, this is not what happened.He had made a promise to attend his sister’s opening, and the fact that he declined (and apologetically, no less) to attend the wedding is a testament to his all-around commitment level.But if Third Wheel feels that he will never be able to focus his attention on her in the same way, she’s probably one foot out of the relationship already.

Relationships come and go.Family will always be family.If that’s a bond Third Wheel is unable to reconcile, she will probably continue to be disappointed.

[10/20/00]

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