Dear Sars,

Somehow my life turned into a bad TV show a couple months ago, and I’m not
sure what to do to sort it out.I met Soldier Boy at the beginning of the
school year.I thought he was attractive, but knew he had a girlfriend and
had no way to really get to know him, so I didn’t think much of it.A
couple of months later, he was at a birthday party for a mutual friend.We
spent the whole night on the porch smoking, arguing about politics, and
flirting.We live on the same side of campus, so we walked back
together.Soldier Boy invites me in to his place, and we slept
together.

We were never going to do it again, we promised.But we did,
again and again.I usually was the instigator.This continued until the
end of January or so, when Soldier Boy leapt out of bed in the middle of
sex to literally run his penis under the cold water tap because he felt
guilty.At this point, I decided I was never going to do this again
because I was getting too attached to him.We were still going to be
friends because that was what would work out best.

A week or so later, he asked his girlfriend to marry him.As my best
friend’s mother put it, “Getting engaged is a wonderful cure for all your
problems, isn’t it?” I’d be taking bets on their odds of staying married,
but I can’t find anyone who would bet in favor of them.While I was pissed
to find out that he had been getting naked with me while the ring was in
his room, I figured it just validated my decision to not continue with him
physically.I kept flirting with him because it was fun, and he didn’t
seem to mind.

At the end of February, everything went straight to hell.I called him
when I came home from a formal and found out that he had been at one of
those fraternity things where you get shit-faced with your brothers and
call it “bonding.”He had gotten in a fight and been dropped on his head
in addition to being cataclysmically wasted.I decide to go to his place,
because he was in no condition to diagnose a concussion.He was okay, but
I decided to have a little slumber party at his place.We had been having
a “Can you really control yourself” argument all week, so I bet him $20 I
could sleep next to him and behave myself.I get into bed next to him,
spooning-style.Soldier Boy starts groping me, and I say, “No.”That
didn’t matter, and he sexually assaulted me.

He hardly remembered anything the next day, and I had to tell him what he
did.He was horrified.He very quickly got himself into AA and also
sought additional counseling when I asked him to.He’s still my friend and
I care about him very much.I’m very proud of him for being able to admit
he has some serious problems.

But there’s just one thing that bothers me:
He won’t tell his fiancee about any of it.They’re getting married in
few months because it’s easier to do before he heads off to officer candidate
school.I think she should know for a couple of reasons: 1) If it was my
potential husband, I’d want to know about something like this. 2) He
doesn’t tell anyone about his problems and drives himself crazy keeping it
to himself.3) As much as I want to help him, I obviously have my own
problems relating to this, and he needs a support system that isn’t me.But
whenever I bring this up, he totally loses it because he doesn’t want to
hurt his fiancee.He loses it a lot actually, and having a 27-year-old
rugby-playing ex-Marine break down and sob on a regular basis is very
disturbing.He’s also showing symptoms of post-traumatic stress
disorder.How she doesn’t see any of this is beyond me; Soldier Boy says
that “she knows not to ask” when he gets upset.

I feel terribly guilty about this on a number of levels.She’s going to
marry Soldier Boy and is giving up a lot to be an Army wife.What he did
and what he’s going through now are huge deals, but he’s covering up or
lying to her about all of it.I don’t understand why she isn’t suspicious
(maybe she is and Soldier Boy just doesn’t see it), because he’s always a
total wreck when I talk to him.And I’m the only one who knows.

I look at
alcoholism as a disease; while an alcoholic is responsible for what he does
when he’s drunk, you pretty much have to forgive them for what they do if
they’re trying to get help.If they really love each other, why wouldn’t
she be willing to help him get through this?I was able to forgive him for
assaulting me; couldn’t she forgive him too?And although I know he’s
trying very hard to get better and never do anything like what he did to me
again, what if he does fall off the wagon and does something violent to
her?I want to tell her about the assault, not the cheating beforehand.I
know they have their own lives to live, but he will never ever tell her and
she has the right to know.Would I be way out of line to tell her?

I Can’t Afford This Much Chain-Smoking Much Longer

Dear Chain,

Do you…hear yourself?He sexually assaulted you; it really isn’t your job to help him, or to fix his life, or to make sure his fiancee knows the answers to the hard questions.It’s everyone’s job but yours, in fact.

You say that he’s your friend and you forgive him and so on, but you really really need to separate yourself from the entire situation, completely and immediately, because entangling yourself in the fallout in his life when he raped you — it’s fucked up.I’ve never survived a sexual assault, and I’m loath to tell anyone that her response to it is inappropriate, but given that your response is to make yourself his caretaker — something is seriously off here.

Soldier Boy’s blood alcohol level does not absolve him of responsibility for assaulting you; your need to forgive him and fix the situation is almost pathological, and it indicates to me that you have not dealt with the emotional impact of the assault in a real way.And even if you have, you do not want to stick your hand into that relationship.He has serious problems, he knows it, and he needs to deal with them and share them with his fiancee if he sees fit — he does, not you.I don’t know why you’ve taken on that job — maybe you blame yourself subconsciously; maybe you’d rather have him value you as a sounding board than not value you at all, which he doesn’t, because he’s too nutty and immature — but you need to resign it, right now.

Cut off all contact with him for a while and take at least a couple of sessions with a counselor, if you haven’t already.He’s not evil, but he’s going to have to find his own way.You shouldn’t be anywhere near this situation anymore.

Hello Sars —

I will try to keep this as short as possible; I’ve been reading the Vine for a while now, and feel that I need some wise insight from you.

I am 27 years old and gay.I have had the same girlfriend for the past seven years; we have lived together for the past four years and are happy.The problem involves my mother (don’t they all?).My mother has never met my girlfriend and refuses to allow her to accompany me to visit Mom and Stepdad.This is not a case of simple homophobia, however; before I came out, my best buds were gay guys and Mom had no problem with them.She was/is extremely liberal.That’s why I don’t understand her hesitance to accept my relationship.I have gone through months where I would not speak to her; I’ve told her that if you can’t accept it, then you can’t see me.She kicked me out of the house when I came out and has never apologized for that and I think of that every time I see her.

Fast forward to April of this year, when I am forced to go back home due to my brother’s suicide.We proceed to fight because she does not want GF to attend the memorial service with me.I eventually cave, and then she’s like “she can come if she wants.”Needless to say, I was once again alone at a family function where I could really have used the support of my significant other.You would think that the death of my brother would cause my mother to realize that life is too short to be ridiculous and what’s the big deal if my girlfriend tags along?

I guess my question is, what should I do?I still love my mother very much and it hurts me because she obviously doesn’t care that she doesn’t see me.I have spoken with her about three times since April and visited once on Mother’s Day.My girlfriend and I fight because she feels I shouldn’t want to see Mom because she won’t accept girlfriend.It makes me feel like crap, and I know I would probably feel the same way if the tables were turned.Should I continue the silent treatment, or should I try to have yet another heart-to-heart and try to make Mom see how all this makes me feel?Thanks for any advice you have for me.

Mom’s a meanie

Dear MaM,

I sort of agree with your girlfriend — except that I feel that you shouldn’t want to see Mom because she won’t accept you.Your Mom isn’t “extremely liberal.”She’s extremely unsupportive and selfish.

With that said, I do think you should try to talk to her once more, and before you do, prepare yourself — how is it going to go?What do you think she’s going to say?How will you react if she still won’t accept your girlfriend?Because it’s probably not going to unfold like a Very Special Episode; she might surprise you, but she’ll probably just refuse to respect the relationship, and if/when that happens, you will have to call her bluff.

I know you love your mother, and I know you want her to approve of you and your lifestyle, but she clearly cares more about whatever weird shit is going on in her own head than she does about your or your happiness — and if that’s the case, she isn’t someone you need in your life.It’s not terribly comforting, but sometimes parents just suck and you can’t really do anything about it, except move on from them and fashion your own family out in the world.If your mother won’t accept you and your girlfriend, she can enjoy Christmases alone.Tell her to fuck off.

Dear Sars,

You rock ass.Thanks for being so pro-pet.I’m about to move cross-country (Georgia to Oregon) to go to culinary school, because I have no job here and have always wanted to live in Portland.The problem is my Jack Russell terrier, Ren.I love him more than life itself and he will DEFINITELY be making the move, despite the fun my parents make of me (“He’s just a dog”).It’s just, I don’t know how exactly to get him there.If we drive my car, a VW Golf, I’ll feel horrible keeping Ren cooped up in it for alllllllll that driving.But I also don’t have a ton of money, and I hear that flying your pet can be pretty expensive.Not to mention, I’d be worried about him the whole time.So my question, I guess, is what is the best way to move a pet a couple thousand miles?If he would physically be okay in the car, what should I do to ensure he doesn’t go crazy?And if not the car, what would you recommend?

Oh!And I have another question!My semi-boyfriend, E.We used to live together, now we don’t.We still love each other, we still have the sex, we still spend tons of time together.He knows I want to move to Portland, because we used to say we’d move together after he finished school.But he has three years left and we don’t live together anymore.I am unemployed and nearly penniless (I’m moving in with my parents before my BIG move so I can save up some dough), so I feel there’s nothing really keeping me here anymore.E and I have been having some pretty bad problems lately too, so I don’t think the distance could hurt.

Anyway, I don’t know how to tell him I’m leaving.I’ve mentioned it in passing and he’s gotten mad.He thinks I’m just trying to get away from him, or something.Should I tell him now and brace for an explosion, and possibly losing him immediately?Should I wait until the plans are super-finalized and tell him then, so that he can’t convince me to stay?Or should I call him from the other coast and say, “Guess where I’m calling from!”? (And what the hell is the proper punctuation in that sentence?)Thanks, Sars, you’re the the webhostess with the…mostess…or something.

Glad I finally had some questions to write to The Vine about

Dear Glad,

It’s actually way easier to transport a dog by car than it is a cat, because you can put a leash on a dog and take him for walks if he gets bored.With cats, you have to set up a litter box, you have to bring a cat wrangler along for rest stops so they don’t escape — with dogs, you just tell them to sit, clip the leash on, and hit the shoulder for a pit stop.

It’s not all that expensive to fly a pet if you don’t mind parking him in the baggage hold, and with gas prices so high these days, it’s possibly the more economical choice, but if you decide not to fly — well, a Jack Russell isn’t that big, and a Golf isn’t that small.Just take frequent breaks to stretch.

As for E. — whatever.Just tell him; if he breaks up with you because you have a move planned, he’s a loser, and you should move to get away from him.I mean, what a baby — if he’s going to miss you so much, why doesn’t he offer to go with you?Yeah, that’s what I thought.You need to get on with your life, and not just career-wise; this relationship sounds like limbo-palooza, which, seriously, who needs it, and if he’s going to get all pissy because you showed some drive, to hell with him.

And finally, you punctuated that correctly (I had to add a comma after “say,” but other than that, thumbs up).

Howdy Sars!

Here’s my problem: I am eighteen years old. When I
was thirteen, a friend of a friend moved away to a
small village in my province. We’ll call him Chris.
Since we got along pretty well, we exchanged email
adresses and then over the next four or five years became
extremely close, considering each other best
friends. He had confessed to me a couple of years ago
that he used to have a crush on me. I didn’t take it
too seriously, since I did not feel the same way, so
we kept on like nothing had happened.

Earlier this year, I told him that I was planning on
attending the same university as him. I should mention
that he was not the reason for my choice, the
university has a very good reputation and I was
thrilled to have been accepted. At this point, we were
writing emails to each other every day. He was very
excited that we would be reunited, and since we had
been so close for so many years, I asked him if he
would accompany me to my senior prom. He, of course,
said yes.

Shortly after, he started telling me that he had
always wondered whether or not we would be together if
he hadn’t have moved away. He claimed that he had
never gotten over his crush, that he still had strong
feelings for me, and in his eyes we were truly meant
to be. He thinks we’re (augh) soulmates. I should
mention that he was, and still is, in a long-term
relationship with an oblivious girl whom I’ve never
met. I told him that this bothered me, and he promised
he wouldn’t bring it up again (although he did, in
several other emails).

One day, after I visited the university and spent an
afternoon with him, I came home to find an email
waiting in my inbox saying that he had felt an
incredible connection, and that he knew the timing was
bad, but that he was in love with me, and that he’d
never stop feeling that way about me. I was upset and
told him that to me, what he was doing could be
considered as cheating. He knows this, yet he doesn’t
care. I felt like he was putting a lot of pressure on
me, as if he wanted me to decide for him whether or
not he should break up with his girlfriend. I told him
he was not respecting my feelings, since I had told
him once before that this made me uncomfortable and
that I have no desire whatsoever to date him. As a
result, I told him that I no longer wanted him to
accompany me to my prom, and I brought “Mark,” the
wonderful boy I had just recently begun dating,
instead.

We didn’t speak for the entire summer. Now that I’m
attending the university, we’ve talked to each other a
couple of times on the internet (he is not attending
the school this year). He wants to visit me soon in my
new apartment, and I thought that maybe things could
go back to normal. However, last night, he kept on
saying the same things, how our life is like a movie,
and we belong together but we’re on the wrong path
right now. That last part insults me, because he’s
insinuating that I am making a mistake by staying with
my boyfriend, whom I love to pieces and who couldn’t
make me happier.

A lot of things he’s been saying
insult me. He says that it wasn’t his fault that I’m
mad, he couldn’t control it, I’m too uptight, blah dee
blah. I feel like telling him to fuck right off, but
we’ve been friends for a long time and it’s hard for
me to be mean. Meanwhile, I’m afraid that if we hang
out together, he might try to pick up signals and
convince himself that I feel the same way as he does,
and I don’t want that to happen.

I guess my questions to you are: Should I hang out
with him, or tell him to hit the road? He angers me,
because whenever I tell him that there’s no way I will
date him, he basically tells me that he knows we’ll
end up together one day, I just “don’t know it yet.” I
swear, he doesn’t listen to me! Can you suggest a way
for me to make him stop doing this? Or do you think
maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill? It’s
almost scaring me, and plus, I don’t want his
girlfriend to find out what he’s doing and then
somehow find a way to blame me for it (since the woman
always seems to be blamed for this sort of thing).

I would very much appreciate any advice you could
give me!

Signed,
Not Single in Canada

Dear Can,

“Hit the road” gets my vote, and you know, I kind of sort of felt for the guy, until I got to the word “uptight” in your letter — and I CANNOT STAND IT when people play the “uptight” card, because it’s so incredibly patronizing, and they think it gets them off the hook for listening and respecting my feelings.

And the “uptight” shit entirely aside, he’s already got an established pattern of not listening to you when you tell him to knock it off with the Todd Mulcahy “it’s destiny” crap.Once, it’s sweet.Twice, okay, you admire his persistence.After that, it’s manipulative and rude.You’ve asked him to stop, and he won’t.Time for you to stop it for him.

Yeah, it’s a friendship of long standing, but he’s not acting like a real friend, so enough already.Tell him once more that if he doesn’t quit it with the soulmate business, the friendship is over.Tell him why.Explain that it shows no regard for your feelings or for your current relationship, and that you won’t tolerate it, and if he calls you “uptight” again or implies that you’re in denial (another favorite of this type of dicksmack), tell him to stow it sideways then and there.

Dear Sars,

I’m having a problem and I’m hoping you can tell
me what to do about it.I’m sorry this is so
long.

In high school I was very close with my best
friend, “Shep.”For the last two years of school,
Shep was like a sister to me.She went on
vacations with my family, I tried to help her
with her mess of a family, and we were generally
always together.All the usual blah blah blah
supportive-cakes stuff that you would expect from
high school best friends.

So we graduated, and I went off to college and she
joined the military.We wrote occasionally, but
drifted apart.Eventually we stopped talking
completely, but there was no big blow-up or
fight.

About two years into college I returned to my
hometown and tried to get in contact with Shep.
She told me that she would like to go to dinner
and bring her current beau, “Tool,” for me to
meet.

The dinner was a total disaster, which was caused
mainly by the beau being a total asshat tool.I
kept trying to find out how my friend was and
catch up with her, but he kept giving me preachy
advice that I should “wake up and realize that
high school is over” and take his advice because
(and this is a direct quote) “I have forgotten
more things than most people will ever learn.”
He gave us “girls” several such pearls of wisdom
before ushering Shep out of the restaurant and
out of my life.Needless to say, I hated Tool
instantly, but said nothing for the sake of my
friendship with Shep.

Shep’s childhood was a mess with all the sexual
and physical abuse that is the stuff of
nightmares, and so I guess it isn’t that
surprising that Tool was able to wield such
influence over her.

I wrote her once, a year later, and asked her how
she was and if she was happy.She wrote me back
that Tool is “everything I need and more than I
ever deserve” and that “the Lord has opened my
eyes and I pray that he can do the same for you.”
I was so appalled by this that I never responded.

About a month ago, seven years after the last
contact, I got an email from her.It turns out
she married Tool right after the last letter she
sent me; he moved her to the deep south and
impregnated her twice.She is now living in the
deep south with the (unemployed) Tool and her
children.She has not worked since she got
married (seven years ago) and has no life outside
of her home.She wants to homeschool her kids
because “the schools here don’t teach them
nothing.”

My first reaction to all this was a big YIKES,
but then we settled into a routine of emails and
occasional phone calls.This went on for about a
month when I got an email from her dumping me.

In her letter she said that talking to me brings
up her past, which upsets Tool and “brings up all
the bad feelings he had then.”Because she
doesn’t want to strain her marriage she cannot
talk to me again.Ever.

After receiving this letter I felt a mix of
emotions, primarily anger and sadness.After
sitting on the email for about a week (to keep me
from writing a WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
letter), I sent her a reply that said she knows
where to find me if she needs a friend.

Except that I can’t seem to let it go.I hate it
that Shep is in what is most likely a fucked-up
abusive controlling marriage, and I hate it that
she dumped me. I hate it that she lives in the
south and is uneducated and probably has no
exposure to what a good marriage and family life
could be like.I hate it that I can’t talk to
her without Tool being in the room and that all
email has to be sent to his account.I hate it
that I don’t even know if she got my last letter.
Most of all, I hate Tool.

So my question (finally) to you is, what should I
do now?I am studying to be a domestic violence
counselor, which I think might be why this
situation is so very upsetting to me.It is one
thing to read about the physical and economic
aspects of isolation and control, and another
thing entirely to see it happening with someone I
once loved.

Do you think I should do anything, or do I need
to just let it go and hope that her situation
either isn’t as bad as I fear it is, or that if it
is, she will leave soon?Do you think I should
just butt out and let it be?Is there anything I
can do?I worry I have lost all perspective,
being so close to the situation.

Thanks for any help you can give.

Worried, Scared, and Hurt

Dear Hurt,

Just quickly, before I get to the actual advice…leave the south out of it.Not that I haven’t made my share of West Virginia jokes over the years, but that kind of regional snobbery isn’t helping (and Shep may have picked up on it).

Okay.Yes, I think you’ve lost perspective.It does sound like Tool is controlling and immature, and it’s hard to watch a friend tolerate that kind of thing, but Shep has made her choices for her life, and it’s not really your job to get her out of them, even if you think that’s what she “should” do, or want.She doesn’t appear to want your help, and it’s not really yours to give anyway.You’ve told her she can count on you if things get bad.You’re done.

Stop trying to “fix” her, and stop thinking you should.It’s her life; it’s not one you’d want for yourself, and that’s fine, but unless you have proof that she’s in physical danger, stand back and let her fuck it up on her own.She’s an adult.

[10/21/03]

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