Dear Sars,

I have recently moved to a brand new town, a brand new
apartment, and a brand new set of roommates. It
sounded ideal when I was signing the third year lease
on my last apartment, and for the most part it’s been
wonderful. This town is beautiful and I love the
school I’m in now.

The only problem is my roommate situation. I found
this apartment through the campus housing guide (I
know, but I was 200 miles away and house hunting
wasn’t an option!) and met my roommates when we were
all moving in. I get along with two of them very well.
Our personalities are similar, we give each other
space and we hang out from time to time, et cetera. The
problem is the fourth roommate, who I also happen to
share a room with. She is the quietest girl I have
ever known. I can’t start a conversation with her. It
seems like she becomes physically uncomfortable when
any of us say “Good morning” or anything to her.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, mostly because I
used to be the shy one in the group. I know that being
quiet often masks a resentment towards others, and
that sometimes the less you say, the more you really
mean to say. Everyone I’ve talked to (including the
other roommates) just tell me to let her be; if she
wants to be ignored, then I shouldn’t make her
uncomfortable by talking to her. I think it’s easier
for them to make this leap because they don’t share a
room with the girl. I mean, wouldn’t that be rude of
me to wake up in the same room as her and not even say
hello? I’ve been trying for the last two months to
form some kind of friendship with this girl and I
don’t know what to do anymore. I have never heard her
say more than “Yes” or “No,” or occasionally a “Bye” if we
say it first.

Help me, Sars! Should I try to make our relationship
more of a quiet one? Or should I keep broaching topics
until she finally comes out of her shell?

Not usually the liveliest one in the room

Dear Lively,

If she’s hiding any “resentment,” it’s probably that you won’t take a hint and just stop talking to her already.Seriously: who cares?If she’s not doing anything out of bounds like borrowing your shit or not taking the trash out, why do you have to be friends with her?

Everyone you’ve talked to has told you to give it a rest — including me.You’re annoying her.Stop.

Hi Sars,

An etiquette problem, really.A friend of mine, being really broke
around my birthday, gave me a bag full of bizarre items — stuff that
was lying around his house.It was mostly quite amusing, but one item
confused me — a disposable camera that he’d used all but three shots
on.He was joking that I should get it developed for those three
photos so he could find out what was on the film, as it’s years old and
he couldn’t remember what was on it.I have a digital camera and don’t
use proper film these days if I can help it.Am I honour-bound to
develop the film for him to find out what photos he’s forgotten about?
I don’t like this idea, as basically that means my birthday present is
costing me money for little or no reward.

Also, does this change when you find out he, erm, uses quite a lot of
drugs?I can’t be sure that this won’t be documented on any of these
photos and I don’t want to get myself connected to that kind of thing.
It’s accepted that my husband and I stay away from that part of his
life.

I’m not ungrateful normally…

Dear Ingrate,

He gave you a bag of shit that was lying around his house, and you’re worried about the etiquette in the situation?

Give the camera back to him and explain that you really have no use for it, and since most of the pictures will be his, he should keep it — “thanks” anyway.

Or just throw it out.I mean, I understand that he’s broke and couldn’t buy you a cashmere scarf, but come on.If he’s going to give you a “gift” that weak, I don’t think he’s really in a position to squall at what you decide to do with it.

Dear Sars,

This isn’t a boy question. This is a friend question. I’m a senior in high
school, and a dear friend of mine graduated this past year and is in her
freshman year in a small liberal arts college Far Far Away from where she used to
live. She’s gone from a public school to a fairly teeny tiny school, and
apparently she adores it, she never wants to come home, blah blah blah it’s a great
time fishcakes.

The problem (and there always is a problem) is that in the six or so weeks
she’s been away, she seems to have changed. A LOT. Now, I’ve only talked to her
on the phone and on AIM and read her LiveJournal, et cetera, since I haven’t, you
know, gone two thousand miles to visit her, but she seems to have had a total
change of heart from what she used to be. Before she was a fun, laid-back,
generally cool and very awesome person. Now, it seems like she’s trying to be The
Cool Feminist College Student. She writes cryptic poetry and writes about her
exploits in this Big City and how cool everything is, and by extension, how
not-cool everything is back here in the Midwest.

See, Sars, I liked her personality BEFORE. I liked her because she was a
cool, funny, sweet, nice person. Now she’s had a total one-eighty, and to me, is
starting to come off as kind of hypocritical, holier-than-thou,
cooler-than-thou, and I get the sense that she’s trying to divorce herself from her “dull”
roots back here in the heartland. I’m a little offended.

As a result, I haven’t really wanted to talk to her much lately. So tell me,
Sars, is this College Culture Shock that is making her behave like a
completely different person? If so, does it wear off? What do I do till then? If it’s
not, if she’s really changing as a person…I don’t think I want to be such a
close friend anymore. Is this more of a friendships-have-a-lifespan thing?
I’ve been friends with her since fifth grade. I’d hate to think that has all
changed in six weeks.

Thanks bunches,
Vaguely Insulted, Yet Hoping This Is The Fault Of Something They Put In The
Water In California Expressly To Irritate Midwesterners

Dear Vague,

People don’t go to college two thousand miles from home because they think home is so awesome.They do it because they want to get as far away from there as possible.That’s part of going away to college — the “away” part, making a break from childhood and your family and everything that came before and doing your own thing, really your own, for the first time.

It’s a little obnoxious, but almost everyone goes through it; you’ll probably go through it too, when the time comes, but regardless, you really can’t take it personally, because she’s not trying to insult you.She’s trying to figure out who she is outside of the town and the people that used to define her.If you’re not excited about the “who” she’s come up with, then just stay out of her way until she stops being so I, Freshmanius about things, but understand too that this is how it goes with friendships after high school sometimes.A lot of them don’t last, and it sucks, but sometimes you just have to give people a little room to adjust to “life on the outside.”

Sars,

Is there a statute of limitations on grudges?

I’ve been out of college for for a bit over a year
now, and I’m feeling sort of restless and out of place
in the world.I’d love to discuss this with my
friends and see if they are experiencing the same
vague disconnect in their lives, but something
happened in our senior year that makes me hesitant to
pick up the phone.

I’m depressed.I’ve been therapied, seen the
psychiatrist, have the antidepressants.I understand
my disease and am usually good at coping with it, but
it took a long time to get to that place and sometimes
I backslide.

I spent a lot of junior/senior year dealing with my
depression. My friends J, E, and B were good to me at
first.Always understanding, very patient.I tried
to do the same for them and I tried to keep the worst
of my depression out of their lives.I was aware I
didn’t always succeed.I tried hard, though. I have
many friends who come to me with their problems, both
now and before.I honestly don’t think I’m a bad
friend.

J and E withdrew from me a month before graduation.
When I confronted them, they told me it was too hard
to be my friend, and told me they couldn’t handle all
these problems of mine (they accused me of having an
eating disorder and hiding it from them, too — which
makes no sense.Did they want to know my problems, or
not?And I don’t even have an eating disorder). They
said I was making mountains out of molehills in every
way. I felt completely trapped in a corner — damned if
I do, damned if I don’t.When I said that I was sorry
they felt that way, that I would try harder, but that
I really wanted and needed their friendship, J
replied, “I don’t need yours.”She would like to have
it, she explained, but it wasn’t as deep-seated in
her.And E just sat there. I was stunned. Is this
what friendship meant to them? When it gets hard, you
get to bail?

Sars, we’ve all stayed in contact since then, have
gotten together and have had a wonderful time.B,
especially, has been compassionate and empathetic.
She’s gone through periods of depression since then;
she understands the completely suffocating, hopeless
fog that becomes your life when you are depressed.J
and E haven’t been there. I’m happy they’ve never been
there.

I have trouble trusting J and E now.I want to
empathize when they have bad times, offer advice, or a
find a good hit man for the heartbreakers and evil
bosses.But I don’t feel I can share similar
experiences for fear it will spark another rendition
of “Songs in the Key of You Are a Neurotic She-Beast,”
dedicated to me.

I…don’t know what they expect from me.I know you
say there is a shelf life to friendship.I don’t
think we’re there yet, especially since we’re all
intimately wrapped up in a larger circle of friends.
I guess what I want to know is, was my perception of
friendship wrong? And should I approach them with
this, or is it too far in the past?Or am I a
completely selfish lunatic and just need to get over
it, already? I feel completely fake when I interact
with them, and that’s just not buddies.

This letter is pretty long and seriously disjointed.
Sorry.

Sincerely,
I’ve Forgiven, but Should I Just Go Ahead and Forget?

Dear Yep,

Why do you “want to empathize” with people who told you, to your face, “We’re not that interested in investing in this friendship”?I’m not asking rhetorically.Why?I’m not saying they’re right, and I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt; I’m saying those things are irrelevant.They said in so many words that it’s too hard to be your friend.I think you’re trying to prove them wrong or something, and I really don’t think you should bother.They hurt your feelings and turned their backs on you, and just because you can all get together and have a laugh over beers doesn’t change that fact.

If your “perception of friendship” is that you have to eat that sort of shit so that people will hang out with you, then yes, that perception is off.Friends don’t have to give you unqualified support or agree with everything you do or like every one of your qualities, but when people you think of as your friends don’t act like your friends?Then it’s probably time to make new friends instead of forcing yourself to behave in a way you think they’ll find acceptable.

You’re not being yourself around them because they told you that that self was someone they didn’t like.Think about that.Then stop doing it.You don’t have to tell them off or anything; just accept that they’re not there for you and move on.

Hi Sars,

Question of tact.Just under two months ago, best friend H (who lives an hour away) gets her heart broken by T. Medium-term relationship, thoughts of shared homes, children, the works.I’m here at university, becoming friendly with T prior to breakup.Post-breakup I remain kind, especially as I notice T and E becoming friendly. (E on friendly terms with H, but good friend of mine).Within a week or so, T and E have become especially close — another week and they are dating.They are happy as clams.H had an awful month on top of the breakup (car accident, lost her job, et cetera), and I didn’t have the heart to share what seemed to be needless gossip.

But it’s been over a month, things are serious between T and E, and if H comes to visit me here, the likelihood of running into T and E is almost a given.At what point do I break the news? I feel like I’m rooting for them to break up, feel like an arse because I don’t want E to be sad.And avoiding the various attempts of H to come visit me here.I’m even more afraid that gossip will find its way to her by accident — causing even more trauma.Do I wait for that to happen?Give more recovery time?

Any help would be awesome.

Tactless in Seattle

Dear Tact,

If telling her is inevitable, she should be told now so that she can start dealing with it — and so the accusations of “you KNEW and you DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING?!” can be circumvented.

But it’s only a month in, and not to sound like a massive cynic here, but three or four months in, a lot of relationships just…decompensate.I don’t know why that is, but inevitably, there’s a bump in the road there, and either the couple gets over it or the wheels come off. So, if H isn’t coming to visit for a few months, you could conceivably put it off and see if they break up before she gets there.

…But that might not happen, word might get back to her via other means, blah blah.Nobody likes having to break news like this; it’s like a guaranteed messenger-shooting, but H is your best friend and that’s the job.Just rip the Band-Aid off.

[10/21/05]

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