I have been married for six months to a man twelve years my junior (blah blah you go girl blah).That’s not the problem.I don’t think.

When we met, I was a cigarette smoker and he was okay with that.I quit smoking for about two months before our wedding because I was pregnant (a-HEM).Then I had a miscarriage the day after our wedding.That irony aside, I then recommenced smoking and the husband had a fit!He is a good-natured fellow, very sweet, never complains or criticizes, but on this issue he became an ogre.He seemed so upset that I decided to hide the smoking.

But I slip up, of course, like leaving them laying out in my car or forgetting that I left them in the grocery bag, and every time I slip up, we have a big fight.He says that I’m already older than he and he doesn’t want me to die any earlier than I have to.I appreciate that sentiment, of course, but I feel like now that we’re married he thinks he can tell me what to do.My best friend smokes and I enjoy nothing more than sitting around bitching with her and puffing away.I don’t particularly want to quit.Any advice?

Smokey Jo

Dear Jo,

An ex of mine used to get on my back about how much I smoked.I did smoke too much – still do – and I know he had only good intentions, but it still bugged the shit out of me (not least because the guy, a smoker himself, used to “borrow” my cigarettes pretty liberally), mostly because I felt like I couldn’t win.If I cut down, I’d feel like I’d only done so to gain his approval, but if I didn’t cut down, I’d have to keep hearing about it all the time…and it stopped being about smoking and turned into a battle of wills, one which I resented having to fight.In short, I know how you feel.

Sorry to say, you can’t win either.I don’t know why your husband has a problem with your habit now when he didn’t before, but he’s probably not going to back off.His “I don’t want you to kill yourself” argument is passive-aggressive, but it’s also got the weight of fact; similarly, your “don’t tell me what to do” argument is valid, but he’s going to interpret that as your not caring about his feelings on the issue.You have two choices: you tell him that you can take care of yourself, and learn to live with the blow-ups.Or you quit, and shut him up.

My advice?Quit – but issue a caveat that, if you do slip up, you don’t want a lot of guff about it.

[10/23/00]

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