Hey Sars —

This may seem too explicitly a “sex” question at
first, but it ends up being more of a mental and
relational problem.

I don’t love sex.I don’t dislike it, per se, but
it doesn’t have the impact on me that it seems to on
so many people.Put it this way — when someone says
something is “better than sex,” my internal reaction
isalong the lines of, “And…?”

Now, don’t get me wrong.I’ve had plenty of orgasms,
both self-induced and with several different partners
(though always through oral or manual means, never
through regular sex, which may or may not be
significant).No multiples, and no
wow-I-see-my-life-in-an-entirely-different-way sort of
earthquakes, but good, solid back-archers.It’s just
that, in order to get to that point, I’ve really got
to concentrate.The smallest thing can distract me,
throw me off my concentration, and once that happens,
you might as well be flicking my thumb for all the
effect it has on me.

Keeping that concentration requires a lot of effort,
and while the payoff is certainly nice, there are lots
of times when that potential feeling isn’t enough
motivation to go through all the build-up.This is
particularly true if I’m tired or sleepy.The short
pay-off of orgasm isn’t enough to outweigh the effort
of mustering up that concentration and focus when I
really just want to close my eyes and drift off to
sleep.

The problem, as I’m sure you see coming, is that this
isn’t a self-contained issue.I have a boyfriend that
I truly love.He is an incredible person, he treats
me as well as anyone could hope for, and we have a
strong connection, both as friends and intimately.He
has what I would consider a “normal” sex drive for a
guy in his late twenties, and doesn’t hold unreasonable
expectations for sex — I think he would prefer it to
happen once a day, but is okay with every couple of
days.Even that, though, is more than I can get
revved up for.

I certainly recognize that our sexual relationship is
not all about me, and so there are plenty of times
that, even when I’m not ideally “in the mood,” I
concentrate on making him happy, and that makes me
happy, if not orgasmic.But there are other times
when I just can’t do it — can’t get excited enough
about it to even get into making him feel good.

He understands that this kind of thing happens
occasionally, and he respects that without trying to
make me feel guilty about it.But it’s been happening
to me more and more frequently recently, and it’s
starting to take a toll on our relationship.He feels
hurt that I’m not as excited by him as he is by me.
I’m frustrated that I can’t get the same easy and
(relatively) effortless pleasure out of sex and other
physical intimacy that he does.It drives us both
crazy that everything else in our relationship works
so well, and that we’re running up against a wall with
this.

So what’s my question?Well, it could be any number
of things.Maybe first, is my reaction towards sex
just part of who I am and something I have to deal
with, or is there something I can do to boost my sex
drive?(I know that’s not something you can
necessarily answer.I’ve tried to psychoanalyze
myself on the issue, but I haven’t had much success in
overruling my subconscious.)Second, is this
incompatibility something my boyfriend and I can work
through, or is it one of those fundamental things that
ultimately may decide our fate?Third, if it is
something we can work through, how do we go about it?

I know that’s a lot to ask an outside party to answer,
but I’m just looking for some insight coming from a
perspective other than my own or my boyfriend’s.

Am I Just Hopelessly Frigid?

Dear Probably Not,

I can’t really answer your first question without more information.So many factors determine how an individual feels about sex and how often she wants or needs it, so I’ll go with “yes and no.”By that, I mean that, while your sex drive is unique to you, and you should try not to compare yourself to some phantom “normal” sex drive, sex drives can vary wildly even in one person over time.Do you have a lot of work stress in your life right now?Have you recently gone through a big life change?How’s your health?Do you take the Pill, or anti-depressants?What temperature do you keep your bedroom?All these things can play a part in your drive and arousal.

Get a complete check-up from head to toe.Share your concerns with your GYN.Visit a therapist a few times, if you haven’t already.Rule a few things out.But if there’s no physical or stress-related reason that you don’t want more sex, keep two things in mind: 1) There is no “normal” for this kind of thing, and 2) your sex drive may not stay at its current level forever.It may dip down further; it may surge in the future.Again, I don’t have enough information to say, but my first instinct is to tell you not to think about so much.Easier said than done, but that sounds like the root of it.

As to your second question — you have to tell everything you just told me to your boyfriend.There’s no other way.Physical intimacy stands for a lot of things in a long-term relationship, and if the two of you have fundamentally different needs in that area, it’s not an insignificant problem; you have to discuss it frankly and see if you can work through it.I won’t lie to you — it may decide your fate.It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong with” you, but if you can’t reach an acceptable middle ground for both of you…it’s not a problem that goes away.

To find that middle ground — see above.Talk to each other.Be truthful about your needs, about the pressure it makes you feel that they don’t match up, about your fear that it’s a deal-breaker.It’s a hideous conversation, no question, but you need to have it now before it becomes something that’s beyond discussion.

Sars,

This problem is so dumb, dumb, dumb that I hesitate to spring it on you. But,
since I’m not in a position to simultaneously dope-slap both my parents, I
turn to you for an alternative. Please edit for brevity if necessary.

Some background: Mom and Dad divorced 32 years ago, when I was three. His idea.
Mom devastated, Dad oblivious. Dad kept some antiques from Mom’s family. Mom
never asked for them back, but has stewed about it all these years. Both have
been remarried for a long time and can be cordial to each other.

A few years ago, Dad and Stepmom redecorated their house and sent the hub and
me some nice framed posters they weren’t using any more. We live in a tiny
house with tiny walls, and we’re lazy, so the posters languished in a corner
for
several months. Mom came to visit one day and said, “Oooh, posters,” so I let
her take a few and moved the rest into storage.

Now, Dad and Stepmom are moving and have decided that one of the posters will
look fabulous in their new house. Stupid me couldn’t remember what poster was
where, so I said, “Of course you can have it back!” (They are giving us a
whole bunch of furniture from their old house, including, HEY, the furniture
of Mom’s that he kept, so I thought it was a decent trade.)

After not finding the poster in storage, I realized Mom had it. I told her what
was going on and broached the subject of getting it back. She had a hissyfit
and said that if my dad had kept her furniture for 32 years, she was going to
keep the poster.

Dad has been pestering me about the poster during his weekly phone calls. Like
an idiot, I panicked and told him I had given it to a friend who had moved
into a new house. I said I thought it would be tacky to ask for it back. He
said, “I don’t.” Yesterday he and Stepmom said they hope I will have it back
for them by the time they come to visit me next month.

Quite a pickle, huh? And it’s a POSTER, not a Rembrandt etching, but
unfortunately one that I can’t seem to find anywhere as it was printed twenty
years ago.

I think they are both being ridiculous, and I know it’s symbolic for a lot of
the baggage we’ve been carrying around all these years, but how the hell do I
get myself out of this with both parents still speaking to me?

Thanks for your help!

The Unexpected Legacy Of Divorce, Personified

Dear Legacy,

Why didn’t you just tell your father in the first place that you’d let your mom take the poster?Because then, if she wouldn’t give it back, you could just say, “You know what?Talk to her — this isn’t my problem,” and wash your hands of the whole thing.

But you didn’t.So why didn’t you just order your mother to cough the poster up?Dad gave it to you, not her, and now she’s putting you in an awfully awkward position with childish behavior she should have learned to choke back decades ago.It’s a poster, and if she wanted that damn furniture back, she should have dealt with it then.

But you didn’t do that either.Well, you’ll have to do it now.Call your mother and tell her in a firm but reasonable tone that she needs to stop it with the competitive crap, because it’s put you in the middle and you won’t have it.If she still refuses to give up the poster, hang up, call your father, and tell him that Mom has the poster.Tell him that you didn’t admit it before because she won’t give it back and you didn’t want to start a big flap, but that’s the situation and if he wants the poster he’ll have to take it up with her.Apologize for any misunderstanding you may inadvertently have caused and then refuse, in so many words, to both of them, to remain involved.

It’s a fucking poster.If your parents want to squabble like second-graders over it, leave them to it.

Dear Sars,

A year ago, I was a Midwest transplant living on the east coast, living the typical twenty-something carefree lifestyle.I was holding down a nice entry-level job at a library and just beginning to get comfortable in my new home.Then that spring, I got a phone call from my mom saying that I needed to come home because my dad just had an affair and she needed me there.I gave notice at my job and planned to move back home.A month before I was going to leave, I was stricken with a freak illness that included having a stroke. I moved back to the Midwest to be with my (dysfunctional) family, and ultimately went through heart surgery, from which I’ve spent a good part of this year recovering.

Now that I’m fully well, I’m beginning to realize that getting through being sick is not as difficult as piecing my life back together.My web of problems:

I’m still living at home and need to get out.My parents are on-again off-again.They are still married at this point, but are constantly arguing, moving out/moving in, setting divorce court dates and breaking them.I love my parents, but it’s a volatile climate that I really would like to leave.Plus, my mom and I clash constantly anyway.

I can’t move out until I’ve landed a job.But I’ve been job-searching for months and haven’t had a bite.I’ve been planning to move to the closest big city here, but my job search is going nowhere.All my temp jobs here are at factories, which is okay work, but not something I want to do long-term.I don’t really know what to do with my life, anyway.I took the entrance exam for law school, but did pretty badly, so now I’m back to square one.

I am in this unresolved relationship with my ex?-boyfriend back on the east coast, who would like me to move back out there.I do love him and miss him terribly, but at the same time, I am not sure I should move back just to be with one person.I constantly vacillate between wanting to be closer to him and then freaking out that I’d be lost if we suddenly broke up.

My life these days consists of sitting at home, surfing endless job sites until my eyes hurt.Friends all around me are all leaving to go to work/grad school…ugh, I’m beginning to whine, so I apologize.I just feel like I’m tangled up in my life and would just love the advice of an outsider to help me get my life on track again.

Signed,
Depressed in the Dairyland

Dear Dairy,

I had my customary “take one thing at a time and the rest will fall into place” series of bromides planned, but you know what?I think you should find a job back east and bolt into the arms of the ex.

Yeah yeah, “don’t want to move for one person,” blah.That’s as good a reason to move as any, and if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t, but presumably you still have other friends back there, and you’ll make others through work and socializing anyway.You need something to point at, something to walk towards with your arms open, and there’s nothing like that where you are right now.Anywhere But Here is a perfectly valid destination.

You’ve gone through hell with your health and your parents’ endless wrangling.Let yourself do something that’s not entirely sensible and prudent.You’ve earned it.If your doctor permits it, find a job in your old stomping ground, enlist your ex?-boy to help you find an apartment, and go live.

[10/23/02]

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