Hi Sars,

As I read the letter from Frigid, I kept wondering if I’d somehow written
this letter myself in my sleep or something — I have the exact same problem.
Anyway, I thought I’d pass on that there’s a really great book about female
sexual dysfunction called For Women Only by two sisters (Laura and Jennifer Berman).One is a psychologist, the other is a gynecologist, and they cover
just about every question that I had (and it sounds like Frigid has the same
questions I did).I just finished the book, so I can’t say that I’m doing
any better in the sex department yet, but at least I’ve got an idea of where
to start.

Thawing

Dear Thaw,

Thanks for the recommendation.

Hi Sars.

I’ve got a problem that’s been bothering me for quite
some time.My boss likes to invite herself into
borrowing my books.I don’t particularly like to lend
my books out to anyone, but how do I tell my boss that
she can’t read my books without it being way weird?

I know it may sound strange to some that I don’t like
to loan out my books, but that’s the way I am.I don’t
feel like I should be obligated to let her borrow my
books if I don’t want her to, but she’s my boss!Lying
won’t work either; if I tell her I’ve already promised
it to someone else, she remembers and asks for it later.

She’s had my copy of The Lovely Bones for three
and a half weeks.It took me two days to read.This
is making me crazy.I want my book back!

Looking For A Roundabout Way To Say “No!”

Dear No,

Either stop bringing your books to work or stop leaving them out where your boss can see them.

Sars,

I’m hoping you can help, because
my friends and I are at our wits’ end.

Our friend, “Annie,” has had a rougher year than most. Her father was
diagnosed with terminal cancer while her parents were in the midst of
getting separated. Her mother remarried a high school sweetheart and is now
living an eight-hour drive away. Meanwhile, Annie graduated from college at
19 and went straight into a full-time job.

During this time, Annie had a long-time on-again off-again relationship with “Mike,” who is seven years older, emotionally abusive, and
a cokehead. And he cheated on her, more than once. And she cheated on him,
too.

So, they broke up, and we all heaved a collective sigh of relief. Except it
wasn’t really over. They continued to live together and sleep together even
though they claimed it was over.

About three months ago, Annie took a trip to Atlantic City with her dad and
some of his buddies. During the trip, she was raped by a stranger. Mike told
her it was her fault. She finally completely broke up with him, moving out
of the house, and we were glad — it took amazing strength to tell him he
was full of shit, even as she was sickened by the anti-HIV drugs she began
taking.

But once she stopped taking the meds, Annie started sleeping around. A lot.
The “scene” here is pretty close-knit, and she has developed a pretty nasty
reputation among some of the guys here for being nutty and slutty. I don’t
think there’s anything wrong with having no-strings-attached sex, but this
isn’t how she behaved before the rape, and it worries us all.

I think it worried Annie, too, and she made plans to quit her high-stress
job and spend a month with her mom, getting counseling, working on grad
school applications, resting, and just generally being away from many of the
stresses here.

Except it hasn’t really happened. Three days before she left, she met
“Dave,” who is a nice guy, but has issues of his own. They became attached
at the mouth immediately, and started making plans to live together. The
reason why they’re going to live together? Well, apart from being in luv,
Dave is going to be evicted soon. He was fired from his last job for not
showing up, and he was fired from the job before that for stealing. And his
girlfriend of four and a half years only broke up with him a couple of months ago.

So, she’s coming back here in a couple of weeks. As far as I know, she did
not do any of the things she planned to do while staying with her mom, and
did not live the monastic life she was planning to live during that time —
she just drove here every weekend. She will move in with Dave when she gets
here.

As I said, those of us who haven’t given up trying to help her are at
our wits’ end. We want to help her, but it’s frustrating to see Annie dive
headlong into ultimately destructive situations. She needs to chill out,
get counseling, and take a break from the craziness.

Any advice on how to help her help herself?

Thanks,
A Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned,

I agree that Annie could benefit from counseling, but unfortunately, she has to come to that on her own.She’s shifting the weight of everything that’s happened to her around, trying to find a way to carry it without it breaking her back, and you can’t do that for her.You wish you could, of course, and that’s what makes you a good friend, but it doesn’t work that way.

Her way isn’t the healthiest, probably, but there’s not much you can do, except to let Annie know, in so many words, that you will be there for her without judgment no matter what.You might also mention that you worry about her — her safety, her happiness — and you know she can handle herself, but if she ever gets to a point where she can’t, you hope she’ll let you know and you’ll help her however you can.

She’s had a lot to deal with, and she’s trying to deal with it.It might not look that way from the outside, but again, you have to let her get there by herself.

[10/24/02]

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