Dear Sarah,

I’m planning to move to Chicago in about six months.I used to live there, and moved back to my hometown (my mother’s suggestion) about two years ago.When I moved here, it was to save money (rent is insanely cheap here) and be near family because I was pregnant, and my (ex)boyfriend had run screaming in the other direction at the mention of parenthood.I never thought I’d live here again, as I’ve always hated it, and vowed when I left at 18 that I would never return.I have missed Chicago every minute since I left.

So I’ve been saving money and preparing to move back up there soon.I’m in a much better position to do this on my own now – I’m 24, have enough money saved, and I’m confident that my son and I would be better off there.My problem is this: my mother thinks I am selfish and naïve to want to move, and I know she will miss my son so much (Chicago is six hours away from here).She has not one word of support for me concerning this.I would feel much better about moving if I knew how to make her understand that this is something I have thought about for two years, and that I really need to do this for myself and for my son.

I can’t seem to bring it up without hurting her feelings or making the misunderstanding worse.I want her to know that, although I am very different from her and have different goals, this move is by no means anything against her and I will always be grateful for all her help.

I need someone to give me an objective opinion on this.What more can I say to make her understand?Should I just say what I need to say and then get the hell out, since everyone has issues with their mother, that’s just the way it goes?What can I say?

Sorry that was neither brief nor clear,
Baby Jane

Dear Jane,

Continue preparing to move to Chicago, and let your mother make her peace with your choice at her own pace.Don’t try to discuss it with her anymore; don’t try to win her approval.Just leave it alone.

She’s worried about you, your mother.She’s sad.She’s going to miss you, and she’s going to miss her grandson, and she’s miffed because she gave her opinion and you went against it, and, as mothers often do, she’s taking your decision to move away personally.

It’s hard, but you’ve got to resist the urge to engage her on this.She has to come to terms with it on her own.Before you go, send her a letter.Tell her how much you love her, and how much you appreciate everything she’s done for you and all the support she’s offered you, and how eagerly you anticipate her first visit to your new home.Then go to Chicago with your son, and feel good about it.

[10/25/00]

Share!