Sars,

I met a girl last July named Susan.A mutual friend of ours, Allison,
thought we would be good together and set us up.The first date was a
double-date with me and Sue, Allison, and her boyfriend.It went okay; there
was some attraction on both sides, and I was interested in seeing her again.

The next night, the four of us plus other friends were out, and I asked Susan
for her phone number and called her that week.We talked for a while, but
she works third shift as a nurse and had to get ready for work, so we said
we’d talk again, et cetera.

She went on a vacation with her family for a couple of weeks, and when she
came back, we started seeing each other more and talking more, and it was a
slower developing relationship than I’ve ever had, but that wasn’t bothering
me a whole lot since most of my relationships had sucked up to that point.

The odd thing about this relationship was that we could easily talk for
hours on end over the phone, but in person, it was harder to carry the
conversation.I have no idea why.

One Friday late, we were talking on the phone, and she gave me
the dreaded “let’s be friends” line.I wasn’t terribly happy about that,
but I’ve heard it enough times, and I like to think I can be a big boy about
it, so although I was pretty disappointed, I wasn’t crushed.Then, the next
thing out of her mouth was, “So, you’re still coming over tomorrow, right?”

I was kinda stunned by that, considering she just said she wanted to be
friends, but I said, “Okay.”I went over the next night, and things were
actually a little better.We talked about a lot of things, she showed me
some pictures of a trip she had taken to Hawaii when she was in college, and
I was there till after midnight.It was a good time.

I was very busy the next week and didn’t call her, and on the next Friday,
she called me and wanted to go out again the next night.I was fine with
that, so we went out and had a good time again.

The next night, a Sunday, we were at my church, but not as a couple.After
the service, everybody was upstairs eating cookies, cake, whatever, and
socializing.I went upstairs to see her and saw her in a group of people
that included her parents.I went up to her to talk to her, but they were
in a circle, and she very deliberately moved so that I couldn’t join the
conversation without physically pushing somebody aside.I got mad about that, didn’t say anything, but left the room, and went home
in a huff because I was pretty mad about it.Later that night, a friend of
mine said that after I left, Sue came downstairs and was looking all over
the place, implying that Sue was looking for me.

I didn’t call her the next week, still mad and all, and wouldn’t you know
it, she called me the following Saturday.We didn’t talk about what
happened the previous Sunday, but we talked for a while nonetheless.I
didn’t see her the next night because she worked, and we talked a couple of
times during the week.

Now, a couple of weeks have gone by where we see each other in a large group
setting, and have been nice to each other and all.But, I’m not sure what
to think about this relationship.Throughout July and August, I’ve gotten
conflicting advice from two friends of mine.

My friend Rob says that Sue keeps giving me mixed signals about what she
really wants.Yes, she said that we’re just friends, but everything else
she’s done has suggested that that isn’t what she’s wanted.

My other friend, Rachel, says that Sue has already said she wants to be just
friends, and that’s that.I don’t think it’s as clear-cut as that.

The girl who set us up in the first place, Allison, has told me that she
thinks that Sue likes me, but doesn’t know how to show it.Allison told me
that Sue wasn’t allowed to date in high school, and that the guys weren’t
beating down her door in college either.I think Allison might be right,
but I just don’t know.

Meanwhile, I’ve been invited to Sue’s birthday party.I want to be more
than just friends with Sue, but not if it includes what I think might be
silly mind games.

So, since you think like a girl :-), and are a totally objective third party,
what do you think?

Clueless Cale

Dear Cale,

Maybe Rob is right, but it sounds more to me like Sue might want it both ways — she wants a friendship with you, but she wants you to “like her like her” too because it’s an ego boost.

I have no real evidence for that assertion; it’s possible that she really doesn’t know what she wants, or that she’s sufficiently inexperienced that she doesn’t know how to go about getting what she does want.Or perhaps she’s just weird, as we all are in our own ways.In any case, it doesn’t seem like she’s deliberately trying to mess with your head.She probably doesn’t even realize what she’s doing.

Still, she’s an adult; if she’s having second thoughts about putting the ceiling at “friends,” and wants more from the relationship with you, it’s on her to tell you so.I think you have to take her at her word until she tells you to do otherwise.You can duck her mind games by simply not playing, in other words.

Okay, I should have written to you ages ago, and this has been
going on a while, so prepare yourself for a long explanation.

I live in an apartment with my boyfriend and his two best
friends. The three of them have been friends since middle school. One of
them, let’s call him “J.,” began fixating on me some months ago. For a
while, I thought that the situation would be manageable. The
relationships involved seemed worth saving, and I wanted to be a good
friend to J. as well, so I thought we could work through things.

Given
the inherent lunacy of the letters he wrote me and the things he said, I
see now that I was naive in expecting any kind of change in his
behavior. Helping him talk things through clearly just encouraged him to
continue to indulge himself in a distorted reality, of which some
distorted version of me was a large part. Time after time I discussed
things with him and, for the time we were having the conversation at
least, believed his assertions that all he needed was to discuss things
and then he could feel clear. He would promise that whatever
conversation we were having was going to take care of everything and he
would be able to stop creeping me out all the time (it was bad; I would
be watching Buffy and babbling about the character relationships when I
would suddenly realize that he was reading all these other things into
it, like I wasn’t talking about Buffy and Spike but about us. I could go
on for pages with similar examples, him always staring at me to the point
where friends noticed it and asked me about it).

I had, of course, told
my boyfriend everything as it happened. He said he would support
anything I wanted to do, even if it involved evicting J. from the
apartment, but he was reluctant to do so if it could be avoided. He
thinks that his friend has no support system outside of us, and doesn’t
want to cut him off completely if he could help it.

The last of these big dramatic conversations between J. and
myself took place about a month ago. When my boyfriend came out to see
what was going on, J. actually asked him to leave so that he could talk
to me. What was going on was that J. was using what passes for logic in
his world to explain why my boyfriend is an asshole and not smart enough
et cetera, and that I should marry J. because J. possesses “superior DNA” (and
no I am not kidding, he actually said that). He also detailed some
circumstances from their past which made it clear that his fixation on
and supposed love for me was mostly some sort of bizarre revenge for a
completely in the past and totally non-equivalent event from before I
was in the picture. A good chunk of his so-called feelings for me are
the result of nothing more than my role as the girlfriend of a friend
who he thinks screwed him over once. Turned out he had also told my
boyfriend that he wanted to marry me and was more deserving and so on.

I have demonstrated after every gesture from him that it is not
only totally unwelcome, but destroys my sense of security in the home
which is one of the most important factors in my overall stability. Sure
I have some issues around anxiety, but I don’t think I am really
overreacting much. I wouldn’t be able to sleep or eat from wondering
what would come next and what the limits were to his obsession. This is
a person who refers to himself as “functionally schizophrenic.” I don’t
know where the functional ends and the crazy begins.After the last
conversation we had, I realized that I would never feel secure living
with this freak, so I asked him to move out. He disappeared, and I didn’t
see him for three days. Three days after leaving, he just waltzed into
the apartment like nothing was wrong. I left the room immediately. He
told my boyfriend that he was willing to give me some space, but that he
wouldn’t move out. My boyfriend convinced me to just enjoy the time
without him (he left again, this time for a month or so) and see how
things were when he came back.

Well, he came back a couple of days ago. He has left again, and
there will be at least a month before I have to deal with him again. He
showed up, drenched in his own sweat, his eyes all red and rolling
around like a crazy man and smelling like B.O. My first impression is
that he has used our time apart to reinforce all his own bullshit and
get more locked into his insanity rather than to examine and move past
it as I had hoped. I was civil and said hello and continued watching La
Femme Nikita (a movie I will probably never finish watching now). He
wanted to know if “we’re cool,” though he said he “didn’t really want to
talk about it.” I answered honestly that no, not really, we’re not, and
I don’t want to talk about it either. Then he said, “I think it is
unfortunate that you got so upset. I just don’t happen to be afraid of
words. I mean, I know they’re the same as actions, but give me a fucking
break.” I just didn’t even know where to begin with such an adolescent
reassignment of responsibility. Like it’s all my fault for overreacting.

I am so sick of his bullshit. This is someone who
systematically stepped over every boundary I have ever set (and I set
them clearly, no room for ambiguity) and excuses his actions to himself
because my boundaries aren’t as important as his pathos, or boundaries
are just imaginary or I’m irrational. I started to say something, then
realized that it wouldn’t be any good, so I refused to engage and went
upstairs to read in my locked bathroom. No sooner does my door close
then he does that sarcastic slow applause like on that SNL skit “the
sarcastic clapping family.” When I finally come downstairs, he has left
a really creepy note on the couch that says simply “you’re funny.” Now,
this creeped me out more than previous more obviously delusional letters
he has sent me, because those at least professed to have the utmost
respect for me, et cetera.

So, my contention is that I should never have to deal with this
nutjob again. I don’t really
think I am in any kind of physical danger (aside from the fact that I
start smoking again after every episode and then have to quit again!),
but don’t feel that I can be sure. Especially now that he clearly blames
me for everything. In any case, I think he is mentally dangerous to be
around. I have told this to my boyfriend, who will support me in
whatever I want to do, though this is obviously all really rough on him.
J. is more like his brother than his friend.I have not, however,
discussed any of this with our other roommate (let’s call him “X.”),
though I know my boyfriend has sort of filled him in. I think that if I
really want J. gone from the apartment, I need to talk to X. But how do
you explain to someone that you think that their best friend since
junior high is insane and possibly a danger to himself and to others?
Especially when you know they have hung out a few times since, and J. is
a very skilled emotional manipulator who is capable of seeming very sane
most of the time. I am sure he has convinced X. that my overreaction is
the only problem with our current domestic situation. I just don’t think
that even with their long years of friendship, X. has ever seen the
raving lunatic side of J.

What do I do? How can I, someone he’s only
known for a couple of years, get my point across? Help me please!

Living on the Hellmouth

Dear Hellmouth,

J. is not a well man, and he’s way way over the line, to the point where it’s affecting your sense of security.You must rid yourself completely of contact with him, by whatever means necessary.

Your first step is to call a house meeting without him present.As calmly as you can manage, explain to your boyfriend (again) and to X. everything that you’ve just told me.Bring notes or an outline if you have to.Make it clear that you don’t want to get into a debate; you want to tell X. what’s going on with you and J., and you want him to let you finish before he talks.As your closing, announce that either J. moves out permanently or you do.Mean it, and make concrete plans to do it, because if X. balks, you must move out of that house as soon as possible.

Give X. a few days to think about it or whatever, but make it plain that you do not want and will not engage in any contact with J.Mean it.Do it.He comes in a room, you leave.He calls, you hand the phone off to X. or your boyfriend.He writes to you, you throw the letter in the trash unread.Do not interact with or react to him, at all.If he insists on an explanation, tell him that you resent his continued harassment, you no longer consider him a friend, and you do not want to deal with him again, period.Back it up.Get your boyfriend to back it up too — no, better than that pantywaist “whatever you want, honey” shit he’s given you so far, because I don’t care how long he’s known J.; J. is in your face and he’s obviously unstable, and if your boyfriend really considered him a friend, he’d call J.’s parents and get them to intervene with their son already.I mean, he just up and disappears for a month at a time?The guy needs help.

But that’s not your responsibility.Your only responsibility is to cut J. deader than Elvis as soon as you can, so if X. doesn’t go for kicking J. out, move out yourself.Get an unlisted number.Order the other roommates not to give J. your information.Cut.Him.Off.It does sound like he has a legitimate disorder of some kind where he can’t quite get a grip, but you’ve done everything you can do, and I don’t know that it’s safe for you to continue in limbo with the situation any longer.Whatever it takes to get to a living situation in which J. does not factor, do it.

Dear Sars,

I dated this guy, Jason, for about six months my senior year of
college.For various reasons, aside from it being long distance, we broke
up. I hadn’t heard from him in a year (his decision, not mine), and to be
totally honest I missed him every single day.Now, I didn’t pine away for
him, because that’s just not me, but I was as upset as I ever had
been.Let’s just say there were lots of tears over lots of margaritas as
I partied the night away.

Recently, I decided to relocate back home to Colorado,
where he is still living.Quite unexpectedly, he wrote me.I guess he
somehow heard that I was on my way back.I wrote a perfectly charming,
teasing letter in response and got back, to my HORROR, a letter that I
interpreted as filled with vitriol.

Sars, I know that this was wrong, wrong, wrong, but I immediately shot off
a response that insulted him for everything that I could possibly think
of.I later showed his letter to some pals, and they agreed that his
letter was completely f’d up.But then I showed it to some more people,
and they thought that he wasn’t trying to be mean…it’s just that he’s a
bad writer, and a very bad humorist, and that I completely misconstrued
what he (silly boy) was trying to get across.I can’t really blame myself
too much for this…he repeatedly incorrectly spelled “straight.”

I immediately felt horrible about this.I’d basically persecuted him for
being a bad humorist!Right away, I sent off a butt-kissing letter
apologizing for everything.I haven’t heard from him since, and that was
month or so ago.I would really like to hook up with him again.Can you
suggest anything?

Suffering from mangina

Dear Suffering,

He sounds like kind of a schmuck to me, to tell you the truth.He doesn’t contact you for ages and ages, and then he sends you a poorly written email that pisses you off, and then, when you give him the benefit of a doubt that it’s arguable he didn’t deserve and apologize for reacting badly, he doesn’t respond.Why do you want to hook up with that?

If you really feel that you must get closure, send him a short note to the effect of “look, I’m sorry if I bit your head off, but I also apologized for the misunderstanding, so if you don’t respond soon, that’s that as far as I’m concerned.”You can do it more nicely than that, but I don’t see much point in sugarcoating it with the guy.

[10/25/02]

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