Dear Sars,

I’m an American who’s been living in Britain for over two years, so I can give a little advice to Goin’ Overseas about CVs. A good website to look at is www.handsoncv.co.uk. The site offers a CV writing service, but the free examples they provide give a good idea of how the typical British CV is structured. Also, www.monster.co.uk has a CV builder option.

As a final word of advice, British employers always check your references (in my experience), so make sure you can count on the people you’ve listed.

Hope this is helpful!

Yankee

Dear Yank,

‘Tis — thanks!Other suggestions appear below…

Search for CV help specific to the country you’re headed for; there isn’t one style that pertains for all of Europe
Check that particular country’s Amazon on that basis for relevant books
Make sure to explain American terms, degrees, awards, et cetera
Keep the enthusing about the target country to a minimum
Try to provide local contact information
Indicate whether it’s legal for you to work in the target country
Google CVs in your field to see if you can find an exemplar online

www.jobsgroup.net (for UK)
www.jova-nova.com (for Germany)

Dear Miss Sarah,

I have a question concerning manners, repayment and letters of recommendation.

A year ago, I went on a study-abroad trip which was affiliated with my university program, which was archaeology. Near the end of the organized portion of the outing, myself and several other students decided to take a few-days side trip to another part of the country. This involved rearranging plane tickets, and my professor (who I’d been on multiple trips out of the country with, and had for the entirety of my college career) helped us with getting things taken care of. Because of logistical issues, he also paid for the tickets.

Now fast forward to nine months later when his wife had their first child. She and I were what I would call situational friends — we saw each other for several weeks out of the year during these trips, and though we didn’t talk much apart from that time, I considered her a friend. (She’s in the same academic field, as well.) She announced her pregnancy while we were abroad together, and it was a special time, so of course when the baby was born I bought gifts. They weren’t extravagant, mind you, but I put a lot of thought into them.

I waited a bit until after the baby was born to broach giving the presents, as I didn’t want to show up unannounced at their home. I tried calling and leaving messages, and emailing, but got no response. Meanwhile, I kept the presents on my desk, waiting for an opportunity to present itself. Finally, today, four months after their child was born, I got an email back from my professor’s wife. I’m not being brief when I tell you that all it said was, “We appreciate you thinking of [their son], but the best present you could give him would be to pay us back the money you owe us.”

I was floored. Seriously, I felt like someone had kicked me in the chest. I had this professor for a semester after we got back from abroad, and have met with him several times since the conclusion of that class. I’m sure that I paid him back. I remember setting the money aside. I’ve gone though my checks though, and I can’t find one cut to him or his wife. Again, I’m 99.9 percent sure that I wrote it, but clearly something happened somewhere, and I’m willing to apologize and accept that it was on my end.

I don’t have a problem with writing them another check, as of this email it’s already been sent (along with the baby gift, which I should have just mailed in the first place). In addition, I wrote an email back to my professor’s wife, apologizing for any mix-up, but making it quite clear that I felt insulted by the manner in which she chose to address the debt. I CC’d my professor.

Thus the question: How do I handle the situation, if at all, when it comes time for the collection of letters of recommendation for graduate school? Do I assume he won’t write them? Do I not ask at all? Do I ask and make no mention of this incident? I need this professor to write letters for me, based on my experience in my field as an undergraduate under his supervision.

I don’t want to burn any bridges, but I also won’t be walked all over in the course of being nice to a couple I considered friends.

Help me, Sars! I don’t think I’m out of line in feeling hurt, or in my expectations, but I need someone uninvolved to tell it to me straight.

Did I dig my own hole?

A Sad Scientist

Dear Sad,

I don’t know that I’d have cc’d the professor, if a good recommendation were my priority in the situation…but I don’t know that I wouldn’t have, either.Still, from what I gather, the professor himself didn’t say anything to you about the debt, despite ample opportunity.It was his wife who took issue with you, in a passive-aggressive manner, after many months during which she could have brought it up in a friendlier and more direct manner by simply asking you about it, or having her husband do so.

In other words, I don’t know why it was handled in this way, but I think you’re better off dropping the subject from here on out.I don’t think you’re out of line in feeling hurt either; I just don’t think you want to press the point when you have to deal with these people professionally.

So, when the time comes, ask the prof for the recommendation just as you would have if none of this had happened.This dust-up 1) is really more between you and his wife, and 2) has been addressed, so consider it irrelevant unless/until you have reason to believe it’s an issue.Now, if he balks at writing the letter, or is acting awkward or icy to you in some other way, you may need to clear the air about the debt, and the emails — and you may need to apologize again and eat some shit on the situation even though you “shouldn’t” have to, to smooth things over.

But again, don’t get ahead of yourself.Unless the professor has taken issue with you on this himself, don’t put it in play.

Dear Sars,

I hate to bother you with yet another boy problem, but seeing that my life has recently become a literal soap opera, I could really use some of your rational advice.

First I have to give you some background; I’m 22 years old and just recently graduated from college. I have a nice job, and recently moved in with my boyfriend of two years, “Luke.” Luke and I met in college, and he is really the love of my life. I also have one male best friend, “Greg.” Greg and I have been friends for almost our entire lives due to our parents’ friendship, and I love him very much. Greg was also who I lost my virginity to in high school, but our relationship is strictly platonic now. Luke has always been aware of our history together, but has never been particularly jealous about my friendship with Greg.

The problems all began about four months ago when Luke’s father became seriously ill. Luke has always had a very tortured relationship with his father, who is an alcoholic, and who physically abused him when he was in high school. Luke was understandably very conflicted about this news, but we talked about his feelings often and it actually seemed to strengthen our relationship. Then, about a week ago, I made plans to go out to dinner with Greg while Luke was at a soccer game. Dinner was great, but in right in the middle of our entrée my cell phone battery died. Greg took me home after, and gave me a piggyback ride up to my apartment because my heel broke. Greg put me down when I opened the door, but Luke had already seen us when I walked in and he looked like he had been crying, so I said a quick goodnight to Greg and closed the door.

Sars, it turns out Luke’s father had died while I was at dinner, and he had been trying to call me for the past hour to tell me to come home. After he told me this he started yelling at me, saying that he saw me all over Greg just two minutes ago, and that he couldn’t believe I hadn’t picked up my phone at dinner. I tried to explain that the battery died, but he just kept yelling hysterically, saying that I had been “fucking Greg like the good old days” when my phone rang and had decided to ignore it. This was completely untrue, but I had never seen him acting this violently before so I tried to calm him down by pulling him towards me again. When I reached out to touch him he freaked out, and slammed his fist into my face.

Now, Luke is a strong guy who used to play lacrosse, so the punch hurt, a lot, and the force knocked me down. The minute I hit the ground Luke helped me up, crying and apologizing profusely for hurting me. He told me repeatedly that he hadn’t meant it, and that he knew I wasn’t really sleeping with Greg, but I was still shocked and angry, so I grabbed my purse and took a cab to Greg’s house. Greg took one look at my face and let me in, and I have been staying at his house for the past few days as I try to recuperate.

So, here’s my dilemma. I love Luke. I know, I know, a guy hits you, you leave him, but I feel like in the movies situations like this are always much more simple, where the man is hitting the woman for not cooking the meat right or something. Luke has been calling constantly, and he seems completely destroyed and broken, saying that he can’t believe he hit me like his father used to hit him. I feel horrible that his father died, and I know that he would never have hurt me if it hadn’t been for that. I also feel that, because he hasn’t ever done anything remotely like this before, I should give him a second chance. He has agreed to do anything I want to get me back (therapy, anger management, et cetera), and I don’t want him to continue to be alone when his dad just died. The other problem is that Greg is furious and thinks I should never talk to Luke again, saying that Luke deserves death and other assorted threats.

Oh yeah, and yesterday, I found out I was pregnant. I know, worst timing ever.

I am a complete mess right now. I love Luke, and I want to stay with him, but he hit me. I’m pregnant with his kid, and although I’m proudly pro-choice, I just don’t want to do that. I have plenty of money and a job that allows for ample maternity leave, and I would love to have a baby I would like to tell Luke that I’m pregnant, but I don’t want to feel like I have to stay with him for the baby, or, alternately, like I shouldn’t stay with him because of it. And then there’s Greg, who is my best friend, and I understand his anger, but I just can’t help but think I can make it work with Luke. I just don’t know what to do, or how to tell Luke or even Greg that I’m having a baby.

Should I stay with Luke? If I do that, am I being the “abused girlfriend” who never sees the danger in her boyfriend? Or should I leave him permanently and become a single mother at 22?

Please, please help me Sars, any kind of advice you have would be welcomed wholeheartedly.

Sincerely,
The universe has a fucked-up sense of humor

Dear That It Does, My Dear,

I’m of two minds about this.On the one hand, Luke’s father had just died, and he was at an emotional extreme that night, so, while it’s not that he’s not responsible for his actions, I don’t know that that behavior is really indicative of an abusive nature or a pattern of abusive behavior.

On the other hand, Luke himself was abused by said father, and the fact that that’s the form his grief and/or frustration and/or panic took when the chips were down is not a great sign.I mean, no, he probably wouldn’t do it again, or under normal circumstances…but…he did do it, and it can’t be undone.You already know what he’s capable of when he’s at the end of his self-control rope, and you can’t unknow it.

So, I think you have to look at all of that first, and leave the pregnancy out of it — not forever, obviously, but think about how this might play out if you weren’t pregnant.What do your instincts tell you?I don’t know Luke as well as you do, and I don’t want you to put yourself in a position where you’re making excuses for him or anything, but if you really feel like this was a one-time function of feeling completely bereft and betrayed, does your gut say that that’s good enough?

I don’t think it is good enough, on its own.I think you should require Luke to get into therapy to deal with what’s going on here — what he grew up with, how to avoid those patterns in his own life, the grief and confusion he’s feeling — and I think that, for right now, you should stay elsewhere (not with Greg, who I think means perfectly well, but who is maybe more involved in the situation than is helpful).I think Luke needs to know everything you’ve just told me, and I think you have to make it clear to him that you’re very conflicted about all of this, you’re not going to make any long-term promises or decisions right now, and you need to take it one day at a time and see how things go.The two of you do need to keep talking, to work this out, to talk about why it happened and how Luke can make sure it never happens again, and I would strongly recommend informing him that if it does happen again, it will be the last time he sees you without an attorney present.

He needs to know that you’re pregnant, obviously, and the order in which you choose to have these conversations is up to you; there’s no good way to sort this out, because you’re right — life isn’t like the movies, and you have to deal with all kinds of shit at once sometimes and just try to do the best you can by the situation without judging yourself too harshly.Just as obviously, I don’t want you or anyone else to get the idea that I’m okay with hitting if the hitter is just rilly rilly sad.I’m not.Luke fucked up bad.But the note I’m pounding all the time when it comes to getting out of abusive — or otherwise corrosively unhappy or unproductive — situations, it isn’t about the hitting per se.It’s about you valuing yourself, making good decisions based on a healthy sense of self-worth, and not letting other people tell you who or what you are.

You seem to have a pretty clear idea of the factors at work here; I’m not getting a lot of rationalizing from this letter, or a sense that you don’t know what the real issues are.I don’t think you should just take Luke back and pretend none of this happened, but I also don’t think you should blow him off forever and ever amen because Greg or the Lifetime Network is telling you to.Start talking to him, be blunt about the issues, and see what happens.

[10/26/06]

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